Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married for three years, no rukhsati but he wants sex

Sexual Relations in Islam

Sexual Relations in Islam

I have been married since last three years but rukhsati is still not done due to some family issues from my husband's side.

The problem is that my husband wants to have a sexual relationship with me and he wants me to meet him once or twice in the month. I have heard that if a husband calls his wife for sexual relationship and his wife denies, then angels curses her for whole night.

Now rukhsati is still pending, so it is not possible for me to meet my husband's sexual desires. I have forced the issue with him several times for rukhsati but he does not agree due to some family issues. It is also not possible for me to meet him once a month because I do not go outside from home occasionally.  I have to speak lies with my family in order to meet him which I do not want to do.

So what should I do? If I don't meet him, will Allah be angry from me? or will angels curse me?

Mrs Shoaib

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40 Responses »

  1. OP: I have forced the issue with him several times for rukhsati but he does not agree due to some family issues.

    Don't have sex till your husband takes you home? What are the family issues? Why did he marry you if he can't keep you with him.

    • Hi mrs shoaib first of all it is not inportant to do ruksati because ruksati is a form off see off and the meaning of nikkah is that you have permission to do whatever you desire this also incudes sexual intercoarse but the husband and wife both have a say in it and if you have a medical reason and you cant do it because of obvious reason which only women have you can talk to your husband and he will understand and if he does then you are the luckiest person ever. There is no restriction after nikkah and may allah bless you and your husband and may you 2 have a happy and good life

  2. I would speak with a knowledgeable scholar; but this doesn't really sound right to me, to have sex if he hasn't taken you home.

    • You can have intimate relations with your husband/wife even without ruksati. Nikaah makes your relation official and halal in the eyes of Allah. So yes you can sleep even if he hasn't take you home yet.

  3. asslamoalikum he cant speak with parents to taks u home cant make rukhsati but want sex and tommrow if u preganant and he dnt have courage to tell his family and then . Ask him solve family issue make rukhsati. starnge y his family issue that they do nikkah and dnt want rukhsati. dnt meet him till issues r not solved

  4. Please sister do not whatsoever even meet him outside because what if someone see you with him and then it will be bigger problem, I don't know why pakistani's do nikkah but no rukhsati, I had the same problem in my 1st marriage we did nikkah for 1 year after that rukhsati and it made bigger problems with my in laws, please don't listen to him, try to avoid talking to him alone, he is a man let him figure it out, he needs to grow up

  5. I feel avoid it...tell him to sort out issues... instead and stop talkungnso much if he nt willing to address issues the thing is if u have a kid u may cahse mre troubles...why is rukhsati so complicated shw us maybe we cn help

  6. If u done nikah maybe u should tell ur family to calm down and let u move in...and let u two frward ur lifes.

  7. I seriously would not listen to him. Do not do something you shouldn't or even meet him ALONE NOT EVER you will regret it. Why you even talking to him if this issue as not even been resolved I am sorry 3 years is a long time and plenty of time for him and his family but where does this leave you. Also from what you have written here there are some red flays flying and something is not right here sorry.

    Tell your parents and ask him to tell his parents to make this marriage official otherwise do not risk anything for him its not worth it.

    Your marriage is not finalised by rukhsati therefore your not his wife 100%. YOU don't have to feel guilty just because your not fulfilling his needs etc. How about getting him to sort his issues out first with his family?

    • That’s false. After nikah, he is her husband and she is his wife. It’s just cultural issue of not having intimacy or else there’s no issue religiously.

  8. There is no such thing as rukhsati in Islam. We are Muslim and not Hindus- this silly rukhsati tradition came from the Hindus. But that's not the main issue here, it's strange how he only wants to meet you once or twice a month for Sex? It's as if he only married you to have sex with you it's disgusting... He can't keep using family issues as an excuse. Why aren't you living together as wife and husband? It's been three years now! I think you should consider leaving him. Marriage isn't just about sex and seeing each other once or twice a month to get freaky! You both have commitments and responsibilities aswell as rights over one another. He doesn't sound like he has been acting like a husband towards you. You should consider leaving him

    • Well according to Islam the girl has to be given away to the in laws and in this case it hasn't happen marriage is not finalised. It is a very old tradition rukhsati that girls are given away to the in laws and she leaves her parents house permanently. It this case its not about one being Islam, muslim v hindus here.

      • There is no rule in islam that a girl must be "given away to her in-laws" before a marriage can be finalized. Nikah, wali, consent, witnesses, mahr -- that is an islamic wedding.

        • no but there is about publicly telling that these two people have married in the form of a feast or known as ruksati

        • @Precious Star I know what Islamic marriage is, BUT if she does end up pregnant she will face a lot of compilations ahead of her plus the society may not except it. She may even be questioned or accused of cheating and all sorts because of the cultural/society reasons. This is not fair on her and I for one would not advise her to disobey her parents either. I know in our families this would never be accepted without the rukhsati and the girl would only leave once finalised and that's it.

          • This is classic example of society killing innocent lives. First of all, marriages in Islam were not supposed to be so complicated. There is nothing like a rukhsati. Once a couple has nikah they are free to meet and have sex or babies. Religion is not preventing it here but the society is. How pity!

      • As Salamu Alaikum,
        May Allah have Mercy on all of us,
        Ruksati is NOT an Islamic term or act in marriage.
        Once the nikkah is done they are considered husband and wife.
        However Ruksati is an Cultural term.
        In Islam we Have just two marriage functions that are Nikkah and walima.
        And never is a girl given, never. Its not what islam teaches.

        Sister , Three years is a very long time, although its permissible for u to meet him , in crowd or in private, since your relationship is Halal, But the way your husband is demanding is no way a Moral way of approaching ones wife. He should be Man enough to let his family know that he cant live any longer without you, more over , you still live with your parents and your father's permission matters, so lying to your family about meeting your husband is not correct. Tell your parents about this matter of him demanding intimacy from you even when he cant take a stand for making you his life partner. I hope this issue of yours get resolved soon.
        Allah Knows Best.

  9. I'm not quite sure about this rukhasti business, not sure what it is , but I have a feeling it's more of a tradition or a cultural norm than it is an Islamic practice. Sister if you had a nikah done, then YOU ARE HIS WIFE. It's up to you and him if you want to follow tradition .

    • Well she is not his wife according to Islam its not FINALISED.

      • What do you mean by "not finalized". Under Islam it IS final and legal, once a nik'ah has been performed.

        Social and cultural customs do not render the union less final. She most definetely is hit wife according to Islam. That is what nik'ah means. Dont mix culture and religion.

  10. Scholars say that its not permissible to have sex without rukhsati, the reason that if pregnancy occurs, due to our cultural norms, we may treat the child as illegal and woman as adulteress, although it is not so according to Islam. In Islam if Nikah is done, husband and wife are allowed to have sex.
    Sister. Make decision according to your conscience and after cool-minded thinking. If u think he is sincere with u and trying his max to convince his family, still the family is not agreeing, and he fears protection of his emaan, then only there is small window to take this step after thinking about all ground realities. Otherwise, if he hasn't even shown courage before his family, and just demands sex from you; In that condition, his intentions are not right. He might disown you on the very moment you get into trouble. Then you should refrain from such step.

    • Which scholars claim so? You seem to contradict yourself. Are these scholars islamic scholars? If yes then they can not ordain anything which goes against what Allah has ordained. So any edict or fatwa they may issue would be invalid, if it is against Islam. A child born out of a halal (nik'ah) union cannot be illegitimate. Your culture is wrong.

      I googled "rukhsati" and it seems to be a cultural custom in India/Pakistan mainly. I have never heard of it elsewhere Europe, Middle East, N. America, Africa etc . So it is important to differentiate between religion and culture. As you did but I dont understand why you point to scholars as such scholars are clearly making up things which contradict Islam.

  11. sister you need to get family from both sides involved and the imaam that did your nikah sat down and ask to take things further or break things off

  12. assalaam ou alaikoum,

    If he wants his "rights" as a man, he should step up like a man. What does he have to do to be able to offer you a proper marriage? Does he have to get a job, or rent a place? Then what is he waiting for? Three years and still nothing? Are you seriously considering giving this man his "rights". Where are you supposed to give him his "rights"? In a shed somewhere? In the back of a car?And then go back home and face your parents? Isn't that degrading to you? Have some common sense, this man is out to use you. And relax, I'm sure the angels aren't cursing you for this. Allah knows what's in your heart, and what's in this mans hart. It's obvious that you're not denying him his rights, but your situation prevents you to do so. He has to earn this right. And even if I'm wrong and he has good intentions, there is nothing wrong with you waiting to have some security about the situation. Ok, you may have had a socalled islamically correct marriage done, but there is no secrecy in an islamic marriage. It has to be announced and made known to the community in the form of a celebration or a gathering. So that there is no doubt that these two people are married. This is done as a form of protection and security for the woman.
    As to the hadieth about the angels cursing the wife that denies her husband his rights, it shouldn't be taken too literally and applied to every situation, no matter what the circumstances. People have to use their common sense. If there is nothing shamefull going on, he doesn't have to be sneaking and hiding like a thief. Something is not right here. Be very carefull.

  13. I read once in a book that if a woman is divorced she have to complete eidat ( a certain period before 2nd marriage to check the possible pregancy from her 1st huband ) . But the same is not applicable if RUKHSITI is not done. In this case if Godforbid she got divorce, how can she justify EIDAT .

  14. Asalamu aleykum
    In my opinion u r not allowed to have sex with him even if the nikah is done cause he has to fulfil certain condition he has to provide a home and take responsibility

  15. Assalam alaikum,

    If the both of you have had Nikaah with your Wali's permission and witnesses (meaning a proper Nikaah), then you are his wife. However, it should be clear to both your family and his that you are meeting--in other words, why should you have to lie in order to meet your husband? He should be man enough to come over to your house and speak to your father if he feels that he has a right over you. It really sounds odd that the both of you have to meet secretly.

    Consult with an Imam and speak to your parents--so that matters can be made clear with both him and his family--avoid the secrecy and lying as it will definitely lead to bigger problems for you.

    May Allah ease your problems.

  16. Marriage is not about meeting each other once or twice a month to have intercourse. Marriage is about living together, sharing your life and sharing responsibilities, being a family. It's about respect and commitment to each other. Don't settle for anything less.

  17. Completely agreed to all those who said marriage is not about meeting and having sex once or twice a month. It is about starting a new family and a life together as partners. From that standpoint this makes sense to avoid meeting the guy but there it is the society that is holding off a couple from happening it. Sad and disgusting. If you guys have a courage get together and tell your parents you are going to start meeting or they need to resolve the issues whatever they are ... I am not sure if I'll wait for the guy to have a job or business or build his own house ... two of you are legally a couple in the eyes of shariah so get together and use it as your strength. Both of you must be onboard though. Good luck!

  18. @Samina, she is already married. That thing called ruksati, doesn't exist in islam. Nikkah is the only marriage in islam and once Nikkah is done, the two can go and live together. Also when Nikkah is done, everybody should know about, it shouldn't be a secret. You may call ruksati tradition but not islamic wedding.

    • @katkuta according to our families it is tradition and rukhsati is a MUST REGARDLESS. Especially for girls if end UP pregnant who knows what the society or people will think this saves a lot of issues for girls especially and keeping the respect for the family (izzat) and for us this is an Islamic wedding and most scholars will or wont agree there's differant opinions on this matter.

      • I have never heard before that Nikah without ruksati isn't considered a marriage in Islam. Can you provide references?

        • I don't think you'll find any references or proof. It is simply tradition which pakistani families do and which I really don't get. Mixing traditions and islam makes things always complicated.
          So she would get pregnant. Well according to islam there is nothing wrong about it as she is already married.

  19. what,you would do if,you got pregnant,before rukhsati

  20. I'm quite late at the party but its good to guide you all.

    Nikkah is the only thing which will make man and wife "halal". They can do what ever they want. I am from Pakistan as well and Rukhsati here is considered to be something very "Islamic".

    There's no concept of Mehndi, Rukhsati in Islam, all bidaat/israaf.

    For more detail, go here

    All questions will be answered related to scenario OP had asked.

    • Hi. Thanks for your reply. ...Pl let me know about it in detail. I want to know for sure if rukhsati is part of Islam or not.....thanks

  21. Don't risk your respect infront of whole family. If he hasn't sort out the issues in 3 years I feel something's fishy. Please focus on your main issue which is rukhsati, and don't just create more issues in your life by fulfilling his desires. He may be a good person but stay on your safe side. Don't risk your respect.

  22. i would recommend you to go out and have sex, i assure once he has done sex with you , his desires will rise more.

    And he wont be able to afford the new room every time. Do it and then play hard. He will do rukhsati faster. Best of luck

  23. Tell him to pay you the haq meher... And then you can have sexual relationship with him. It's our society that stops us to meet after nikah. Islam doesn't.

  24. It sounds like he just wants to fulfill his sexual needs. If he wants that then he should be willing to take upon your responsibilities, 100 percent. You should not feel guilty for any reason. Do not do anything that you are not comfortable with. He is the one who needs to learn to grow up.

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