Problem with financial responsibility in marriage
Salam
I live in Sweden. I have one son. I sponsored my husband.
Ever since I have been working and when he came here I never stopped working. I support him help him out with money. I spend on his sponsorship and for one year I helped him with our rent. Then when I got pregnant I was part time at work. He started paying rent. I was helping him with grocery and bills.
The problem is he ignores everything around him. I never asked him for money. He never gave me any either. He sends money back home to his parents even while I was pregnant and working. I was buying some stuff from visa. He never asked me if I needed money.
This is our love marriage. Before marriage he used to say he won't let me work he will help me out and all that. But he was totally opposite after marriage. He saw me bringing groceries while pregnant and he never said to me why do you pick up heavy stuff. I feel like he doesn't care or he ignores. He wants that if I can do it then I should so the burden will not be on him.
He is a nice husband he has never asked for money. I buy whatever I want to and for my child when I started getting maternity pay I bought everything for my child. The only thing I don't like is he ignores everything when it comes to money. He never asked me how I'm buying babies milk. I ordered baby's milk and clothes online, I paid bills, he only paid rent.
And if for once by mistake I get mad and talk in anger with him he won't talk to me for the whole day. I do everything. In front of him I cook clean the house and work part time and take care of baby not once he helps me.
Can you please help me out with this? I am so confused. Am I overreacting or what? I really need help. Every time when I wake up I have thoughts coming in mind like what did he do for me why did I marry him he can't even support me. Please I need peace of mind here.
Thanks.
sumiya
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Salam Sister, Sorry I dont have any answer for you but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in a situation like this. I am 38 yrs old married for the past 15 years and have two kids. I have been working on and off since we got married. In the begining of our marriage I started working as I was bored and my husband asked me to so I could support myself. He said he does not earn that much to support us both and pay the bills. Since then I am no burden on him but I pay for some of the house bills as well. If I say its husband's duty in Islam to support the wife and kids he ignores it. For the sake of me continuing to work he even says no to have another child and that has made me most upset than anything else. Now I am too old to have another child and will keep on working for the rest of my working age.
He is a great dad and yes a loving husband too but him not taking the full responsibilities of upbringing his family has caused so many issues among us.
May Allah help us all. I pray to Allah that you find some solution to it and can enjoy a blessed married life with your family Inshallah Ameen.
Assalaamu Alaykum,
Here is what I'm getting from your post:
1. You never ask him for money.
2. He never asks you for money.
3. He also never offers you money.
4. He never takes the initiative to pay anything but rent.
5. Meanwhile, you continue to pay for the expenses of the household (except rent).
6. You have also covered extra expenses that have come along.
In the midst of all this, you all discussed the goal of you not working after he came. But you're still working. Is it possible that he just assumes you want to work, because you never actually quit? While you're seeing this as him perhaps being irresponsible, maybe he is just trying to give you space to remain independent. I'm assuming he's from a muslim (perhaps even undeveloped) country, since you had to sponsor him. Many such immigrants have heard about us western women and how we like to keep our jobs, our money, and our independence. Maybe in his mind, his standoffish approach is his way of trying to give that to you.
The issue here is expectations, and you both need to be clear in communicating them. You need to tell him what bills you want paid, beyond rent. You need to tell him if you want to quit your job and be fully supported by him. You need to tell him if you want money. You need to tell him if you want help around the house, or with the baby.
While it may seem rude that he is not proactive in helping, culturally he may have different values. Some cultures promote men being more involved and helpful, some don't. Some promote the men being served and not having to participate in much more than financial needs. But the only way to overcome those type of cultural differences is to tell him clearly what you want and expect of him. Then give him the chance to work toward that! Please, please, don't wait for him to just magically see it as you do on his own. It most likely will never happen.
I'm willing to guess there's been a few surprises for him since moving in with you also. Chances are he's got a few things he's not happy with about you, that he is keeping to himself. Maybe his all-day silences reflect things that have built up, more than whatever might've triggered the issue that particular day. But again, the only way these airs can be cleared is for him to open up and share with you his thoughts, and for you to hear them with an open mind and be willing to try to compromise where you can.
Marriage is between a man and a woman, who are different enough that it creates plenty of problems. Throw in cultural differences, or any other differences, and it gets way more complex. You can get your marriage in a better place, but you won't be able to do it if you are just expecting him to figure it out on his own.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam alaikum,
Dear Sister,
Your husband seemed to know his duties prior to his sponsorship, but conveniently seems to have forgotten them after arriving in Sweden...it is time to have a discussion with him.
I don't know if you want to continue working, but with a very young child, you may want to consider no longer working at least for the time-being. Speak to your husband and let him know the things that you are finding difficult coping with. Listen to him during the conversation and say what you need to without accusing him of not paying for your needs. It is best to keep the conversation as friendly as possible.
It is his responsibility to take care of your financial needs as well as his child. If there are some things above and beyond that you want, you may consider purchasing those on your own, but first the both of you have to have a thorough discussion on finances--considering it is his responsibility.
Eventually, you do not know want to remain in a situation where you are carrying the burden of running the household. There are many women in your shoes and their greatest error is complaining about the situation whilst continuing to contribute financially for things that are not their responsibility. Therefore, stop paying for everything.
May Allah swt bring peace and tranquility in your marriage along with more love and understanding, Ameen.