Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Ran away after family forced me to return to my abusive husband

woman walking away

Asalamo Alaikum,

After my last post I mentioned that my family wants to force me to get back with my abusive husband and how I want to get divorced. Well, after trying to explain to my family that I do not wish to get back with him, they still decided to take me back to his house (today-11/08/13) and make him accept me (against my will). I was also told that I should ask for forgiveness.(when I haven't even done anything to him).

So now after my parents decided it, I had no other way but to run out of the house.  If I hadn't done it then my family would've taken me back to my husband. I am now staying at my friend's place temporary until I find my own place, and have switched my mobile phone off. I switched it on and received lots of voice mails from my family saying how my mum is in so much pain. It is killing me so badly thinking that I made my mum suffer so much! I am already feeling guilty, and want to go back to my family. But I am really scared that if I go they will either FORCE me to go back to my husband OR do something bad to me :'(

I am very confused whether I have taken the right decision or wrong! Please dear sisters and brothers, tell me what do you think? Have I Islamically done the right thing or wrong?



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10 Responses »

  1. Salam Sister,

    You say your husband is abusive and you cannot live with him any longer. Just like the nikah is only between a man and wife, the divorce is also only between a man and wife and there can be no compulsion from family.
    It sounds like your family is trying to emotionally black mail you into returning their phone calls and going back to him. The best thing for you to let them know is that you are safe but you are not willing to return back to your husband. You can find an established Qadhi or Alim in your area and take your case to him, explain the situation and then receive the Khula from your husband. You can also opt to take your family members with you so they can understand. What is your family scared of? What is their reason for wanting you to go back? You have to think about your financial situation because you have to take all options into consideration for how to survive and make sure you have a good support network of friends during this difficult time.
    Your husband has absolutely NO right to abuse you in any shape or form and if your family does not understand that, then leave them to Allah and pray Allah guide them. You are doing the RIGHT thing. YOU ARE VERY YOUNG AND HAVE TO PROTECT YOURSELF. Seek guidance and protection in Allah and Inshallah may Allay guide on the right path and out of this difficulty.

      The time will heal your mother[WHO IS ALSO WRONG IN HER JUDEGEMENT OF YOUR FUTURE IN THIS MATTER] they are taking as a tool to make you return nd Push u in the husbands net which will last longer than yr mothers life span-
      You will be the suferer for long so dont go back this s just a stunt they are playing and I THINK IF U HOLD ON TO SOME TIME AND BE STRONG YOU WILL OVER COME THE SITUATION AND FINALLY YOU WILL GET GOOD LIFE.......
      "The widow and the divorced woman shall not be married until their order is obtained, and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is obtained."
      "When a man gives his daughter in marriage and she dislikes it, the marriage shall be annulled." Once a virgin girl came to the Prophet and said that her father had married her to a man against her wishes. The Prophet gave her the right to repudiate the marriage.[27]


  2. salaam

    sister you have done the right thing and don't give into your family that is emotional blackmail i have been there

    allah hafiz

  3. sister you took the right decision, now stick to it. was your mother suffering so much while you were abused? don't fall into their blackmailing. go ahead with your decision with no doubt

  4. Please don't feel quilty, sister, you have done the right thing! You have to look after yourself - I'm absolutely horrified that your family would want you to go back to your husband, and even use emotional blackmail to do so. As someone else said, it's amazing your mother can cry when you don't go back to abuse, but when you tell her you're being abused, she doesn't cry for you. I know in a lo of cultures families worry more about their image and what people will think of them, than their own wellbeing and don't have to be like that, sister :). I would strongly encourage you to not go back to your family until they have accepted that you're divorcing your husband...

    • Very nice response Adina Mohammadian. Please take care of yourself and have faith in God, you did the right thing. Sooner or later your family would understand how much pain you had if you needed to act this way...

  5. salam

    mashallah what a situation. You have the right to decide whether you want to divorce your husband. I despair at the state of Asian families and wonder, truly, at their understanding of life, forget even for a moment how they understand Islam.

    There is no oppression in Islam. A family who force their daughter to marry are acting outside of Islamic Law. Full Stop. A child is obliged to obey their parents only until the parents demand from them something not Islamic, then they have the right to resist.

    That said, it is the way you left that is causing concern for you. You left without planning. Inshalah you have money and resources to truly leave and live independently - if that is your decision - but as we know Asian families have a tendency to terrorize their daughters, and kill them over matters such as this - which is forbidden in Islamic Law. You should only return to your husband if you both want this - but of course in this matter of divorce - as the SURAH IN THE HOLY KORAN stipulates, you do need to seek the advice and guidance of elders/people who care for your welfare - Divorce is a process that can take up to one year to complete and can be interrupted at any point if the two people decide to come back together. You owe it to your self to read about the process so you have a clear conscience on this very great matter - the most hated of permitted things.

    You havent made things easier by running away - that only causes people to be upset and so now dialogue is impossible - so you need to seek advice from knowledgeable people. Your duty is to do what is right, and to do it correctly, not just to do what you feel is the right thing at the moment.

    Having said that - in the country you live there are laws to protect you from harm, usually once threats etc have been made.

    Does nobody read shariah? Why do families threaten violence to coerce wives to stay with husbands? A man does not own his wife. A wife does not own her husband. We are truly ignorant and that is the cause of most of our daily problems.

  6. Oh Sister, I pray Allah will ease your hardship and you will one day be able to start fresh. Do not think this is how your life is going to continue; Allah has a plan for all of His believers, so stay close to Him and you will not be deceived. I cannot believe parents these days go to such lengths just to keep their 'image' intact while watching their daughters suffer, Astaghfirullah, it breaks my heart as I am in a similar situation as well. All I can suggest is DO NOT despair of the Mercy of Allah . He can open up doors you never would think can be open. Stand your ground, don't give in to your family's blackmail even if it seems like the easy way out . They do not know the damage they are doing to you and how Haram it is to interfere with a woman's marriage life, regardless of the reasoning behind it.

    Do not go back to him if you don't want to... marriage in Islam is to build a relationship and family based on PEACE and LOVE, it's just a mere cohabitation between a man and woman, which most parents think it's that simple. Just continue to be strong, see if there is anywhere else you can stay until you get up on your feet. I would however suggest you call your mother, tell her you are safe but also explain you CANNOT and WILL NOT go back to your husband. Be kind but firm in your decision. Tell her this is not what marriage is in Islam and as your mother, she should not do anything to harm you emotionally. Stand your ground sister, we are all here for you and please keep us updated !!

    I will keep you in my Dua. May Allah resolve your issue and turn your patience into a reward, Ameen.

  7. AOA,

    I'm sorry to hear of your plight sister and especially of your mother's behaviour. I'm all for respecting parents but in this case they have failed you completely. As said above they are oppressing you and forcing you to endure a miserable existence because of false pride.

    Everyone is tested to varying degrees, some more so than others but only Allah knows what lies ahead. Your family are doing wrong and they haven't shown you any compassion.

    I don't agree that you have done wrong by fleeing for your own safety. If this guy is abusive, I don't want to frighten you but you know the full extent of his behaviour and so what will the repercussions of your latest action be? What I mean is, is this abusive husband likely to hurt you because you stood up for yourself?

    Let your family know you are safe ( I know! They knew you were unsafe with your husband but still!) Don't tell them where you are.

    Divorce is least liked of all halal things is said so that people don't abuse the facility and unneccesarily fracture relationships. However, simply review the whole picture as advised with a trusted advisor from your local masjid.

    If you want to aim to do right Islamically look to please Allah and not to satisfy others. Put it this way, you can dry your mothers tears by shedding your own if you remain with an abuser.

    Take care in all that you do Insha'Allah

  8. Assalamu'alaikum,

    Narated by Ibnu Abbas that the wife of Tsabit bi Qois come to Prophet SAW and she said: "O Rasulullah Tsabit bin Qois, I don't denounce him in his moral and religion but I don't like to be kafeer after Islam". So Prophet said: "Will you give back his field (which is her mahar/dowry)" Then she said: "yes". So Prophet SAW say (to Tsabit) "receive that field and divorce her" [Shahih HR Al Bukhori:5273]

    Divorce is twice. Then, either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with good treatment. And it is not lawful for you to take anything of what you have given them unless both fear that they will not be able to keep [within] the limits of Allah . But if you fear that they will not keep [within] the limits of Allah , then there is no blame upon either of them concerning that by which she ransoms herself. These are the limits of Allah , so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits of Allah - it is those who are the wrongdoers. (QS 2: 229)

    al-Hafizh Ibnu Katsir in his tafseer book 1/483 Said, “If there is not match between the marriage couple and the wife can not give the husband rights and even doesn't like and can not interact with him, then the wife can give compensation and it is may to give the compensation to her husband and the husband may receive it." This is what called Khulu'.

    So, from those hadeeth and ayah, you may go to an imam (or somebod who have knowledge about Islam Rule and religion). Tell him the story you have. In his compagnion give your mahar/drowry back to your husband and your husband should receive and divorce you (as what the Prophet SAW did to Tsabit, the imam should do the same - asked your husband to receive your drowry and divorce you).

    Bismillah, Allah with people who are persecuted.
    May Allah make it easy for you, Aamiin.

    Divorce can be taken as long as the women have strong points/reasons to divorce, but if there is no strong points/reasons:

    From Tsauban ra from Prophet SAW, he said, "any woman who ask to divorce her husband without any reason that allowed in the syara then the paradise/heavens smells is haram for her" (HR. Abu Dawud and at - Tirmidzi. Ibnu Hibban in his Shahih declare that this hadeeth is Hasan).

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