Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to break up with my boyfriend but I’m scared to do it

prisoner, trapped, can't escape, depressed, leave, escape, confined

Trapped in an unwanted relationship...

Assalamu alaikkum,

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Islam,

I am now undergoing through a very pathetic condition. I've been doing my duas and Salah for destructing my trouble, but along with that, I found this site useful, as it gives very inspiring and motivational duas and remedies. Im crying now while posting this, and i feel so much ashamed to type my story. Please my brothers and sisters,do help me.

I was in love with a non-Muslim guy (which I know is haraam) few years ago. We had a lot of fights in between which came along with his possessiveness. At last,we found ourselves unhappy with our relation and decided to stop it. Alhamdulillah..we broke up.

As months passed, I fell in love with my cousin(which again is haraam 🙁 but I wasnt so much Deeni then). Things were nice.

But my ex-boyfriend also study in the same college i do. From my friends,he came to know that Im in a new relationship. He texted me that night, and he cursed me a lot, that I ditched him (in the sense, that I started a new love. he said that, if i did love him truly, I would'nt go for a new relationship). He cursed me so much that I wouldnt get good in my life and I would suffer for hurting him.He even attempted for a suicide,but luckily he was saved( about which I didnt know). But later on, from his friends I came to know that, he no longer hated me and thought that this was just natural.

So i went on continuing my relationship with my cousin. But you have my word, we just did phone calls. We never did sex talks,or do something thats too sinful,we dont even meet. Because, both for me and him, we thought it is haraam n stayed away from it. We couldnt break up ourselves so we were planning to present this topic to our parents.

But as months passed, I started realizing that my cousin was ignoring me a lot. He kept some distance in between,like doing no phone calls,not picking up my calls and all. At last,one day he called and said me that "We should break parents will never agree to this" I said O.K and started crying a lot. I tried a lot to get him back..but I couldnt..and I left him as he wished. But his memories were haunting me. Loneliness stuck me and I couldnt concentrate on anything. My friends never listened to my story because they hated my boyfriend because he cheated me.

When I was so lost inside, I planned to repent for everything. For every bad deeds I did. I prayed a lot and something hit in my mind so strongly. I remembered about my ex-bf(who tried to commit suicide), I was so downtrodden that I thought because of me he attempted to leave his life. So I started with a confession message to him. I said sorry for everything I've done and that I never ditched him. He gave me a reply message saying that it was OKAY. It was'nt all my fault.

We started being friends. But as days passed,he proposed me again. I couldnt say anything..but then I was happy thinking that this guy would fill my lost happiness and love. I said yes ( pardon me my brothers and sisters..I didnt really want it to all just happened). And we resumed our relationship. But my mind was not stable at all that since a few months, I've been feeling so much guilty about this relationship and I want to end it asap.

My parents are on the urge to get me married soon, and Im happy with it because I strongly believe this can change me. I do a lot of duas to break up with him. But im scared to demand him a break up directly,because once he had a suicide attempt. So, I lied to him,that " things are worse here and Im getting engaged soon with my relative. Im helpless in this and I want you to forget me..I need my parents and I cannot hurt them." He was so broken by this,but he's trying to live with this fact. But I have not yet stopped all our contacts because Im scared that my absence would make him think something so foolish. So we kept a best friends forever protocol. But I know that this wont get fixed. Because he loves me so much.

All I need is Allah..I lied to him for Allah's mercy. Im very much shaken by my deeds( my relationships which is haraam). I lied to him so that it wont hurt him and in hope suddenly I could stop this relation. But now he is demanding to continue this relation no matter what it is,till the day I get married.

But I dont want to let that happen. I want to live with my parents in the light of Allah. No more relationships. I need Allah and a Halal relationship which my parents would find for me, not him or anybody. Im scared that if he comes to know all the truth,he would curse me again and that Allah would punish me for hurting him. I dont know what to do. Please somebody give me a good advice. Im very much childish and I cant handle this situation alone.

So please help me dears. What am I supposed to do now?

Jazakallah Khair

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10 Responses »

  1. OP: So i went on continuing my relationship with my cousin. But you have my word, we just did phone calls. We never did sex talks,or do something thats too sinful,we dont even meet. Because, both for me and him, we thought it is haraam n stayed away from it. We couldnt break up ourselves so we were planning to present this topic to our parents....... At last,one day he called and said me that "We should break parents will never agree to this"

    Why was your cousin talking to you in the first place if he KNEW his parents will never agree to this? I am guessing he was expecting some thing but........... Did your cousin know about your non-Muslim b/f? How far your cousin lives from you?

    So what is the real reason you stopped seeing your first b/f again.

    I think you should get married and erase your past love from your mind. Staying single may make you feel lonely and send you back seeking love

  2. It seems you are the type of person difficult to trust .There is high probability of you getting in touch with this boyfriend after marriage also .Just tell him to convert to Islam and get married .Don't end up in a situation where you marry some one and still continuing haram relationship with this non mulsim boy .
    You need to reform yourself and bring closure to Allah .It seems you are too much diverted from the right path .

  3. You have got urself into deep trouble with ALLAH SWT for having a gf & bf relationship. Brother cool has rightly pointed out u have drifted far off from the true and righteous path of Islam. Where in the world of Islam does this gf & bf relationship exist. Why are u referring to this non muslim friend as bf if u call ur self a Muslim. It seems that u are a born Muslim who does not know anything even why ALLAH SWT has created this world. How can u pray to ALLAH SWT if what u are wanting is haram in the first place. U think ALLAH SWT through ur prayers & duas should bend HIS rules for u. In our part of the world it says that if a girl is not willing, a boy cannot force her in any kind of relationship. To me, it seems u are either living in the west or in the land of the five rivers where such things are in fact boasted by boys and girls alike.

    As a Muslim I would never like u go to Jahannam where u are thru ur nonsence headed to. Turn ur self around full 180 degrees and start looking into Islam in ur earnest and stop this fuss of these haram relationships whether it be with ur st bf or 2nd bf. A good christen girl about 50 years back even in the west avoided meeting any boys unless their parents were around. How being a Muslim u even think about it.

    Dont get ur self into these relationships and start working upon ur Deen and try to learn as much as u can about Islam and besides that if u are still studying, then concentrate on that too.

    1- Start reading the Quran with translation especially in this holy month of Ramadan which is starting from tomorrow.
    2- Start saying ur five daily prayers with khushoo.
    3- Do lots of Zikr and Duas for ur self in this month and ask ALLAH SWT to guide u to the true path and never even for a second think where ur 1st bf is heading too and also do not remember him in ur Duas and same goes for ur 2nd bf also.
    4- Keep all ur Fasts in this holy month and control ur libido tight.
    5- Help ur mother in this month as she is the one who needs u the most.

    Stop thinking about this Dunya which is what is getting u into these haram things otherwise u will end up maniac and think more about Akhira.

    May ALLAH SWT guide u to the true path. Ameen.

    • Javed, try to avoid judgementalism and racial/national biases in your comments. It is absolutely unhelpful and crude. You should simply encourage her to go to the right path and not judge her personally for matters you cannot fully understand. You probably never lived in the West, and your speech reflects cultural biases that resemble illiterate Afghanis/Pakistanis; especially your racist reference to "land of the five rivers", Punjab, which I am proudly from. I don't want to have a racial confrontation here; I respect everybody's identity as long as they respect mine. What this woman did was foolish, and it has gotten to a dangerous point! but we all make mistakes some bigger than others. She needs to clear her account with Allah, repent sincerely and pray for her guidance. As for your saying that "A boy can not force a girl into a relationship if the girl is not willing" , then you probably are completely ignoring sexual violence including rape and extortion. Please don't naively quote these phrases out of context and bring embarrassment upon yourself and your rich heritage.

      • @murad totally agree

      • Try giving an advise to this sister who is bent upon destroying her life if u would like her not go astray. Lets restrict ourselves more to what this forum is about instead of starting some irrelevant debates. U should appreciate that the main theme of my comments is to discipline this sister and not anybody else.

  4. Assalam alaikum

    First of all, you should not be getting married to anyone at this point in time. You need to repair yourself and reconnect with Allah.

    You cannot have the threat of the suicidal guy on your head. This is just emotional blackmail. On the Day of Judgement we will all stand alone to answer for what we have done. You need to cut from this guy and all wrong that comes with this type of forbidden relationship or you won't be able to become a better more, positive person. That relationship is not healthy and will not provide a solid foundation to build on.

    You can't rush into marrying someone else as that is totally unfair to the prospective suitor. Marrying in haste is not going to heal or change you and it is better for you to remain alone and purge yourself of all the negativity that this haram relationship has brought you. I do not agree with SVS. You need to be single at this time and gain some self control.

    You need to become emotionally detached from this situation and when you feel down remember Allah.

  5. Salam sister,
    Its never too late. Repent to allah sincerely from the bottom of your heart and do not talk to any guy uselessly.
    I was in a relationship so i understand you very well. Making him convert for the wrong reasons for you will be foolish.
    My sincere advice for you will be to have no bf at all just stop it completely if you think you are hurting him then think it this way that you are hurting the One who created him and who is watching you and remember that if you dont stop all these haraam relationships and if you die then what will u say in the court of allah fear him sont fear His creation that waa the reason i stopped with a click of a finger alhamdulillah

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