Will They Approve of our relationship (marriage)?
Love and Marriage
As-salam alaykum!
Mashallah, I am a 38-year-old christian, divorced mother of two amazing children ages 18 and 5, who is in love with a Muslim man from Iraq. Insh'Allah We want to marry but I am worried that his family will not approve, even though we are both adults and his family doesn't live in the same country as we do. I am willing to convert. Both of my children were born out-of-wedlock although I married my oldest child's father. My second child's father refused to marry me after we were together for 3 years. I know that this makes me "unchaste." The man I am in love with knows all of this. We live in the USA, and there is basically NO Muslim community here. My questions are:
1. What is the best way to approach them about us wanting to marry?
2. After I convert, will my "unchaste lifestyle" still be an issue for his family even though Allah has forgiven me? Could I get some examples of "Unchaste?
3. Do we need to tell them that I was unmarried when I had my children, or will it suffice to say just that I am divorced?
4. Do you think that with time they will accept me? We want to have children together, but our age is an issue, as we do not want to wait long to have them.
I have been waiting my entire life for a man like him, and will be heartbroken and devastated if we cannot spend the rest of our lives together, although I would NEVER ask him to chose between his family and me. ANY advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance!
Rg3551
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Sister
A few comments right off the bat....
1. I am a revert. You say "I am willing to convert." Please consider this carefully. Being willing to convert, and being led to a reversion to Islam, the religion we were all (and I mean all humans) born with are two different things. Do you believe there is only one God worthy of worship, and that Mohammud (praise be unto him) is is final messenger? Have you even considered this? If not, being willing to convert is a very hollow statement.
2. The man you wish to marry is an adult, he should be able to make a decision for himself. It is good to gain approval and support from family, but he can make the final decision.
3. In islam, relationships before marriage are not allowed (they are haraam). He is straying from his path with Allah. Please understand you are leading him away from his walk with our Lord, Allah. Although this may not be your intent, you are, in effect, playing with his emotions and affection. Consider this fully. You must embrace Islam, or you will make his path much more difficult.
Okay, now that I have been a bit harsh, the good thing is that if you do revert to Islam, Allah, in his most infinite mercy, will show you His favor if you revert, including erasing your past misdeeds. He will not. of course, release you of the consequences, but Allah will not consider you "Unchase".
It may be hard to find, but there are wonderful Islamic communities here in America. Seek them out. I recommend you consider reversion if you are serious. But do this for Allah. It may be that this man is part of Allah's plan to bring you into His fold. Allah can take the mischief of Shaytaan (Satan) and turn it into something beautiful. But your motivation must be for the love of Allah and the future of your soul.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@AmericanMuslim-
it is Muhammed (Peace Be Upon Him)
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
Br. abdullah,
AmericanMuslim is fine with "praise be unto him". Out of all the good advice she has given to this lady in need, you picked on something invalid. I find your comment unnecessary and unsupportive to the situation. And just to let you know,( I'm sure you can't wait to respond back to my comment) I will pay no heed to your reply.
May Allah guide you inshallah (and yes, I wrote inshallah )
I don't know.
Allah knows best.
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
In fact, the name "Muhammad" means "one who is praised." So I also see nothing wrong with AmericanMuslim's statement. We should focus on things that matter, Insha'Allah, and not get caught up in little details like this, especially when we know the person's intention is sincere.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@Lisa - i am not here to fight with you or anybody.
I am showing you a hadith . its upto you if you want to follow it or not.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Let not any one of you say, ‘O Allaah, forgive me if You will, O Allaah, have mercy on me if You will.’ Let him be resolute in the matter, whilst knowing that no one can compel Allaah to do anything.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim.
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and if i have hurt you or anybody in any way here. Then I am sorry for it.
-your brother in Islam.
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
It may either be a typo by brother American Muslim or that is how he writes it (Mo-ham-mud, read it like this) there is nothing wrong and it need not be made an issue. I am sure he pronounces the name Muhammad correctly.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brothers and Sisters,
I apologize for my mistake. May Allah (swt) in his infinite mercy, forgive me for this, and my many other failings. I am humbled to be one that He has chosen to lead. I appreciate your corrections.
May Allah (swt) sustain us all.
Hello rg3551,
I understand your concern and will try to explain to you.
An unchaste woman means a woman who allows a man to touch her (have relations with her) without marrying him. You agree that you allowed two men to have illegal sexual intercourse with you. Your chastity was given up, but as a Christian. It is a sin, but you were not a Muslim.
If you did the sin while believing in Allah as your Lord and Muhammad peace be upon him as His final Messenger, that would have required repentance. You were not Muslim when you did this. And now, if you accept Islam, all your previous sins will be forgiven by Allah. You will be as if you were just born.
You having relations outside marriage in the past won't matter, so long as you do not do that again once you become a Muslim. Islam requires that you follow the rules Allah Has Sent with His Messenger.
If you agree and believe that Allah Is your Creator, The Lord of everything that exists, the Lord of Jesus Peace be upon him, and all other prophets, and if you believe that Muhammad peace be upon him is His servant and His final prophet after whom no prophet shall come, and if you believe that Jesus peace be upon him, the son of Mary peace be upon her had no father and he was a Messenger of Allah and His servant just like the other Messengers; YOU ARE MUSLIM.
If you already believe this, I welcome you in Islam as my sister and congratulate you for choosing the path to Allah's Pleasure.
If you do not, then you will need to read and understand, ponder over the signs of Allah, read the Islamic view of Jesus and his mother, peace be upon them and convince yourself before accepting or reverting to Islam. I highly encourage you to accept Islam, because I know it is truth and want the same for you as my sister.
After you accept Islam, you SHOULD NOT disclose your past to this man's parents/family. They may reject you outright. Over all of this, it is a sin to reveal one's sins, while Allah Has kept them hidden. It would suffice if you say you are divorced.
Even after this, this man's family may not accept you at first because they may want their son to marry a virgin, and not a divorcee. But do not worry, they can not stop your marriage as per the Islamic Law. And they will eventually accept you as their daughter in law, in sha Allah.
The best way to approach them may be to meet them as a new Muslim, already practicing and proud to be one. Impress them, win their heart and then let the man talk to them then.
But make sure you are sure about your decision. Islam is perfect, but many Muslims lag far behind in practicing it. See if your man is sincere, so that you do not see another berayal. And remember one thing, Islam strictly prohbits relations outside marriage, even if the couple is going to get married. So, you should maintain the distance and avoid communicating unnecessarily.
I hope you have got the answer and wish you all the best. Is there anything else?
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Your answer is much better, brother
make sure you are sure about your decision. Islam is perfect, but many Muslims lag far behind in practicing it. See if your man is sincere, so that you do not see another berayal. And remember one thing, Islam strictly prohibits relations outside marriage, even if the couple is going to get married. So, you should maintain the distance and avoid communicating unnecessarily.
True ^
Be Wise in taking your decision sister. I do not know about the religious commitments of that man. Allah knows best.
If that man is religiously committed then inshaAllah that man will really take good care of you.
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
Rg3351
Br. Abu abdulBari has given you the best advice herein. As an American muslim, I can understand your point very well. My advice to you is not to worry too much about his family. Y'all are both adults and can get married. Wether or not his family will accept you is up to them. But, I have many girlfriends (non arab, but reverts) who are married to Iraqi men, and are happy. Why? Because their husbands (who have their families living overseas, too) are taking care of their wives and children. Muslim men are the providers and caregivers for their families, as you may already know. Furthermore, You don't need to wait for his family's approval in order to get married. However you do need to get in touch with the nearest islamic center in your town and have your marriage performed by the Imam (which means leader of an Islamic community). Plus two witnesses to witness y'all's marriage.
As for you wanting to become a muslim, it is a matter of your heart and mind. Do you truly believe with your heart and mind that there is only one God to sincerely submit to? The one God who has no son, no daughter nor partners? The one God who created this whole universe, the human population, animals and the unseen, alone. The same God who was worshipped by Adam, Eve, Noah, Ezekiel , Ishmael Aaron, David, soliman, Moses , Abraham , Mary, Jesus, and the final messenger of Allah, muhammad( peace and blessings upon them all)? If so, then you're a muslim. Because the term muslim means the one who sincerely submits in obedience to the will of Allah. Once someone does this , then he/she will attain peace in their own lives and in everything going on in his/her life.
Lastly your personal life is just that-personal. No one needs to know about the sins and mistakes you've made. Only Allah knows what you've been going through and He is the only one to forgive you, at any time with a sincere, humble heart. Once someone converts to Islam, all of his/hers past sins are forgiven and all the good deeds are kept in your book of deeds.
I pray that Allah will make everything easy for you and your family. We hope to hear good news from you soon, inshallah
As salam alaykoum , peace upon you.
Lisa
A muslim is the one who submits his will to almightly Allah.
A person who wishes to become a Muslim has to declare that there is none to be worshiped but Allah and also to bear witness that Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) is His slave and Messenger.
This statement is called as Shahada (testimony) in Arabic. The arabic transliteration is as follows "Ash hadu an laa ilaaha il Allaah wa ash Hadu anna Muhammadan abduhu wa Rasooluhu"
This is the first pillar of Islam. By pronouning the Shahda you become a Muslim. alhamdulillah.
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
Converting/Reverting to Islam is something major and you have to commit to it. It is not just saying that you are a Muslim and then continue living your life the way it was before Islam. You now suddenly have obligations and restrictions that you have to put into your life as well as the major belief that God is one and the messengers were sent from him to guide humanity and that Muhammad (peace be upon him) is his last and final messenger.
You can't really convert to Islam just to marry someone who is Muslim although this can be something that can make you curious and you can do your own research and make your own decision on if you think Islam is the right thing for you. If you really do decide to convert for genuine reasons then I want to say Alhamdulilah! I am very happy for you and you now have over a billion new brothers and sisters who love you including me 🙂
Now regards to you saying that you are "unchaste" if you have sincerely converted to Islam by saying the shahdah and believing in it ( Ash hadu an la ilaha illalah wa ash hadoo anna Muhammadan abdoohoo wa rasooloohoo. Translation: I bear witness that there is no god worthy or worship but Allah and Muhammad (peace be upon him) is His last and final messenger.") then all your previous sins are wiped away and you are not "unchaste" anymore. You are clean as if you are just born, you have a fresh start from that moment on. A religion that allows us to start fresh from everything we have regretted before.
1. What is the best way to approach them about us wanting to marry?
I suggest you know more about Islam so they will know that you are serious about being a Muslim and you have the right intentions and not doing it just to marry him. You have to allow him to make the decision to go to his family and let them know that he wants to marry you and that you are a revert. It may be difficult for them to swallow at first but keep making dua to Allah to make it easier for you, your husband and everyone involved in this.
2. After I convert, will my "unchaste lifestyle" still be an issue for his family even though Allah has forgiven me? Could I get some examples of "Unchaste?
After you convert your sins are all forgiven and you start off new. Unchaste would be having relationships with men outside of marriage but this is something you did before Islam when you didn't have any knowledge about it so don't feel guilty about it.
3. Do we need to tell them that I was unmarried when I had my children, or will it suffice to say just that I am divorced?
Just say that you are divorced as it won't make any difference unless it makes the situation worse if you tell them them that you were unmarried because in their culture this doesn't isn't accepted so easily. By telling then that you are divorced you are not lying to them because you are divorced and you are concealing your sins that Allah has concealed for you. They don't need to know all of these information or at least not so early on before they know or like you well enough.
4. Do you think that with time they will accept me? We want to have children together, but our age is an issue, as we do not want to wait long to have them.
Only Allah knows what will happen but I suggest you keep praying and giving dua (supplications) to him. The dua can be in any language that is the most comfortable to you. Build a strong relationship with Him so you become comfortable asking Him for things because if He doesn't give you then you can never get it. As for children only Allah knows as well. Once you get married this is the personal decision you need to make with your husband. Sometimes children melts the hearts of the families but it is also something that shouldn't be taken lightly.
Also I must remind you that it is not permissible to have any relationship to the opposite sex outside of marriage. Make sure before you marry him that he is the right person for you and that he will take care of your kids as well. Know the person before you marry him, I do not mean to speak to him privately from now on but since you say you love him you must already know his qualities by now.
May Allah make it easier for you and for all my brothers and sisters. Ameen.
-Starclusters
Thank you so much, brothers and sisters. My heavy heart filled with worry has been lifted.
Just to clarify: As I have told the man who wishes to marry me...HE IS the reason I want to convert, but NOT to marry him. I am in love with the way of life, the outlook on life, putting everything in Allah's hands and letting HIM make the decisions that will lead me to the right path, and everything else that comes along with living an Islamic lifestyle. I have not taken my shahada as of yet (although I have been in contact with our local masjid about this), but I have been praying and doing my best to dress modestly and follow the Qu'ran, as "A"(my fiance?) has recommended to try to live the life before I convert so that I am sure that it is a change I really want to make. He has been a great help and support in this, because the area where we live has basically no Islamic community...the closest one is 1.5 hours away. I have done A LOT of research on Islam in the past months since I have met "A", my initial intention being that I did not want to do anything offensive to him, or serve a meal that was not halal. After looking further into it, I became genuinely curious and started to really love the concepts of Islam, Allah and the way of life, and "A". Insh Allah, my decisions will lead me to the right path and a happy life with "A". Thank you again for your advice and support! Allah Akbar!
Sister,
I am delighted to hear good news from you! Mashallah and may Allah strengthen your heart and always keep you on the straight path. I believe your fiancé was sent to you to show you Islam. And there is nothing wrong in converting to Islam because of him, as you stated. Right now I feel pure joy and happiness for both y'all.
In terms of taking your shahada, you don't have to say your testimony of faith in front of a whole group of people, since you live far away from Muslims and a mosque. If you are ready to become a muslim, then say it. Say it with your tongue and believe it with all your heart. Once you do, the tears will come rolling down and your heart will feel at ease. This is Allahs showering His mercy upon you. Say it to your future husband as well. By the way, when are y'all planning to get married?
Sister, if I may recommend, please watch Yusuf Estes on you tube and search him on the web. He was a Christian preacher who embraced Islam several years ago. I enjoy listening to him because he has EXTENSIVE knowledge of the Greek, Latin and English bible, as well as the Quran. His Christian background along with his knowledge of Islam helped me tremendously in learning Islam. I am a revert and thank Allah that this man has truly helped me in learning about this deen, which means a way of life in arabic, alhmdulillah , all praise is due to Allah.
I wish to know what part of the states you live in so I can be there to help you. I live down south.
May Allah shower His blessings upon you, ameen
Lisa
@rg3551- let us know when you pronounce your shahadah.
why don't you do it right now my sister. ?? is there anything stopping you? let us know
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
May Allah make you steadfast upon the deen and help you reach the Paradise.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I was planning on doing my shahada this weekend, but he told me tonight that he is planning on going to his home country at the end of this year...for good. I am not sure why, he said we will talk about it tomorrow. I am not at all sure what this means for us, I am hoping he is just having a bad week. I couldn't go with him because of my children. Insh 'Allah, things will work out as Allah wills it. We are both very upset, and he says he loves me and wishes he could die. Please pray for us.
Uh oh, that news doesn't sound good at all. I wonder why he has to go back for good? That country is unsafe and dangerous at the moment. And what are you planning to do? I think if you are ready to become muslim, then do so now. You don't need to wait for a specific time, date nor person. If you truly believe in Islam then say your shahada and move on with your life. No matter what happens, Allah will always protect you and guide you.
Will be praying for the best and keep us posted
Regards
Lisa
I am just waiting.. when you would pronounce the shahadah.
If anyone has a real desire to be a muslim and has full conviction and strong belief that Islam is the true religion ordained by Allah for all human-being, then, one should pronounce the “shahada”, the testimony of faith, without further delay. Do it right now sister where ever you are.
Mohammad, the Prophet of Allah (Peace and blessing of Allah be upon him), said :
“The superstructure of Islam is raised on five (pillars) : testifying that there is no God (none truly to be worshipped) but Allah, and that Mohammad is the messenger of Allah, performing the prayer, paying the Zakah (poor-due), fasting the month of Ramadan, and performing Hajj.”
The Shahada can be declared as follows :
Ash hadu an laa ilaaha il Allaah wa ash Hadu anna Muhammadan abduhu wa Rasooluhu
The English translation is :
“I bear witness that there is no deity (none truly to be worshipped) but, Allah, and bear witness that Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) is His slave and Messenger.
[you can read more on shahadah here inshaAllah -> understand-islam(dot)net/site/index.php?option=com_wrapper&view=wrapper&Itemid=67
[replace (dot) by . in the link and search in the browser]
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And my sister as you said he is from Iraq.. is he a sunni muslim or a shia ?
If he is a shia then I should warn you that, there is something called as mut'ah (temporary marriage) which many shias do .
Mut’ah or temporary marriage refers to when a man marries a woman for a specific length of time in return for a particular amount of money.
The basic principle concerning marriage is that it should be ongoing and permanent. Temporary marriage – i.e., mut’ah marriage – was permitted at the beginning of Islam, then it was abrogated and became haraam(forbidden) until the Day of Judgement.
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and here is a link for you to learn more about Islam inshaAllah ->
-> Invitation2Islaam(dot)wordpress.com
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
it depends. if he holds his family in high regard (many arabs i have met and heard of usually do)
then no matter how he feels or the situation he wont marry im afraid. if not, then... a slight possibility is there though do hard research be4 u go into it there r too many horror stories what with culture clashes ect.... though there r good ones too.
luck