Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Mother in law feels I stole her son

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Salaams all..

I have never written here before read through a lot of posts and gained a lot of insight and knowledge from other´s people experiences.

I have been married since october last year and live with my in laws, my husband is the eldest and there are a few other kids after him, he is the only one married and she is a widow for the past 12 years therefore she basically brought her kids up alone.. most of their lives...

Lately we have been having many problems she keeps saying things like I stole her son and he belongs to her and only her and says nobody will take him away. _I don´t do things to aggraviate her she isn´t a stable person and is on deppression medication, but I don´t see how that justifies being so possesive over her son, she wanted us married she says I don´t behave like a daughter in law, I do my share to the best of my ability,  I cook on weekends and clean when I have to, I work during the week and hardly spend time with my husband so when I get home I´m in our room relaxing as the food is already cooked and house is cleaned, all of which the maid takes care of.

She curses and says very very hurtful words which even thou we both made maaf i can´t seem to stop hearing her words ring in my head, she says she will kill the person that tries to take her son away from her, she will never accept the fact that we want to move out, one day Insha Allah. she has a customery way of thinking which is causing a lot of problems. she makes it seem like I pulled her son away from her

She cursed us and said if we leave her house our marriage won´t last six months, he was previously married and moved out, things didn´t work out and he came back home.

I don´t know what to feel or think or do.. i honestly try with her, I respect her don´t back chat and help when I can spend time with her when he isn´t around and even go places with her if she needs to get things done..

Please give me some  answers I´m emotionally broken

sumair


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16 Responses »

  1. Dear Sumair, Asalaamualaykum,

    We can't change others, including mother in laws. Your mother in law seems to have some insecurities, in fact alot of mother in laws suffer from similar issues. You have not said much about your relationship with your husband, but if you both have a good understanding, that is the main thing. Your mother seems to be the type who will hurl verbal abuse at you whether you live with her or not, so what have you got to lose? Nothing. So be strong and go through with moving to another place, you may never have the approval of your mother in law, but it doesnt matter, such people can never be pleased. Your mother in law has other children at home to take care of her, so nothing to worry about.

    You are doing the right thing by not arguing back with your mother in law. When dealing with such people, ignore the abuse, don't take it personally, see it this way - the abuser has the problem. Do what you need to. Be loving to your husband, it can't be easy for him having a mother like this - he can't divorce her. Be kind to him and keep him on your side, encourage him to give his mother time aswell as yourself. At the same time, be kind to your mother in law, she has been through alot since losing her husband and having to be a single parent.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I had the same situation as Sumair,yey only my husband at the time,I would tell him what his mother has said or the way she was treating me and he would brush it off because when ever we were in the same room as his mother she would be all nice and talking to me like nothings happened,so my husband probably thought I'm imagining things and just lieing,his mother would say things lik I'm taking her son away and trying to make him against her which that is samething I would never do,she stop greeting me and stoped eating my food,I was I house wife at the time and we share 2 marshallah children together ages 2 and 3,I would cook,clean,do her and other two kids washing basically everything and take care of my kids,but nothing I done was appreciated cause I wasn't coming home with the money,then I found out my husband and his mother was going to what they say was an imaam for help but found mooti or should I call it witch craft or black magic,they came from that back ground but never in my life and even with what they told me did I ever think they would use it,they cut my hair in my sleep and I noticed pieces of my hair was short,I questioned my husband but he just said he doesn't know why its short.My husband was a very private person,he kept a lot of things away from me and sametime lie,I would just get that feeling and I would b right,since he wasn't to be trusted and his mother I decided to speak to my parents,when I found the mooti I opened it up and found my hair n lots of dirt raped up in a taweez,I was in a state and it stil plays on my mind,I needed to get away but only for a week as a break from that house and his mother as my husband agreed,but next thing you know I'm thrown out the house with my kids,the mother had lied to my husband and said I was so disrespectfull and I hurt her,which was not true,today we are divorced and kids are suffering,this was not what I wanted,I tried fighting for my marriage but he didn't,she has minipulated her son and lied,and distroyed my family but yet his so blind and his stil staying with his mother,iv tried asking him why asking him questions to what has happened but he doesn't say a word.I need advice to know how to move on cause I stil love him and want to be a family Inshallah Ameen

  2. Assalaamu alaykum Sister,

    Do not worry as long as you are on the path of Allah.

    Well, keep patience, through it you will Insha Allah have what you desire or something better than it.

    All is a test from Allah to see how we act in particular situations. With growing age, mental and physical changes do affect people in different ways.

    Keep to forgiveness, enjoin kindness and if a whisper from Shaytaan afflicts you then seek refuge in Allah.

    It is your family and you have been given a chance by Allah to work out the best.

    Keep reading the Qur'an and discuss the matter calmly with patience and if nothing works, Sabr Insha Allah works for sure.

    Plus, we pray for you to Allah. Increase your prayers, especially Tahajjud and Insha Allah, Allah will ease things for you.

  3. You live with this woman. You must be a saint. I would not live with anyone so difficult. In fact, I would insist on living at a great distance from Mama. I would be extremely worried that I was married to a "Mama's boy". Your husband should stand up for you and not allow his mother to disrupt your marriage.

  4. Sumair,

    Sounds to me like you both need to move out into a place of your own. Her son can visit his mother and make sure all her needs are met. She has other children living at home and she will be just fine. Your marriage however will not be should things continue as they are.

    Salaam

  5. Salaams all

    Shukran for the time to respond and advise, We do need to move out i very much agree.

    @ sistaz and BWF,i must say i am so very thnkful to Allah swt for hr has really blessed me with a wonderful husband who stands up for me and by me thru alot. we have our marital problems but we are true and good to each other, if outsiders see a weakness in a marriage that becomes amo to use against them.

    We have been seperated for two months and i had to live with my mum in law in that time, it was hard, and we found out im pregnant. now his back and s determined to move out, we just dont have the finances and have to strt from scratch.

    you know the strange thing was, when my husband wasnt there she seemed to like me more but since he is back she gets jealous and nasty again and now that im preg and its her 1st granchild she gets very emotional abt the baby and says its her baby and she has planned a whole list of things she wants to do..

    im glad she is happy, but im afraid it will be even harder to move out now that im pregnant.

    Oh Allah i just make lots dua we can move out and have a good life with Allahs blessings and protection from evil Ameen.

    Was salaam

  6. Hello, I am christian married women and I was searching about the same topic and I found yours. I lived with my mother in law for 12 years she drove me crazy always complaining me and my husband have 5 kids together and I couldn`t take it anymore.
    The best way is to move on with your husband on your own place, this is just going to get worst and not any better. She will be just fine trust me. The less time we spend with mother in laws the better and peaceful it is.
    Hope everything will workout prefect

  7. Salaam,

    We have to understand behind every good husband, there is a hard working mother in law. Meaning, they have work hard and put so much effort to look after your husband till he grow up to become a good muslim he is now. Therefore these mothers most of them are soo attached to their SON.
    When you move in to your in laws , your mother in law will analyse you every inch, every angle to understand which kind of woman you are. Please, Please, Please sisters ignore bad words comming out of them, be always nice, islam teach us to be nice to our enemies, let alone our mother in law.

    when you go out buy her present, when you have time make her nice meal, when you have time give her jocks, when you have time go out with her, when you can, tell her you love her. Be consistantly nice to her, trust me she will think twice to treat you bad. She will feel bad inside, her own nafs will pull/restrain her from treating you bad. After all we are all human, and we will return good with good.

    Don't ever explain to your husband what she says (bad words). No matter how bad she is, what you want your husband to do? To abondant her? Its his mother, its like having problem in your leg, should you cut it to please others.

    Tell your mother in law facts and nice words, Call her mum, mama, as in your own mum how you would call her. SAY TO HER that i am not here to take your son, I understand you have raised my husband to become a good person he is now, I am grateful and thankful to you. TEll her you understand her feeling, you might feel like that, when your own son grow up. you might do it unknowingly, in the fear of loosing him.

    During Prophet MUHAMMAD (SWA) time: There was this Mum and her Son. She raised him till he grow up. She raised him alone and with hardship. She used to share every thing with him and had great love towards her son. Her son decided to marry and was happly married to one girl. After his marriege, he looked after his mom and his wife. He tried his best to please them both. He became very pious man and was always pray near prophet Muhammad SWA. He was known in the whole town for his khulq and 3ibada.
    However his mum was a bit sad, in her heart. She felt that after her son got married he somehow did not love her as he used to, and listen to his wife more.
    One day that boy got ill and was in sakarat il maut. even though he was pious and was very close to prophet, he could not do shahada.

    Prophet was at his home, so sahaba run to him and explained this situation saying that, so and so is in sakaratul maut but can do shahada and is in big pain.

    Prophet went and asked sahaba to call his mum. His mum came and was asked by prophet Muhammad (SWA) is there anything you are not telling us.
    The mum said, not that i can think of. She was asked to think clearly, because her son was in pain, she then said yes, I have grudge towards my son as my son did not show me much love after marrying his wife, and used to listen to his wife alot more than me.

    Prophet Muhammad SWA asked his mum to forgive him otherwise he will continue to be in pain and will not be able to do shahada. His mum replied, i cant even if itried, it is something which has pained me alot, for a long time. Prophet then said OK,

    Prophet Muhammad then request all sahaba to come together, after they all came infront of him, he asked them now go and collect sticks, tree branches, and lots of woods. We will all be waiting. His mum at this statement she asked, " for WHAT we need these woods for"???

    Prophet replied, to burn your SON. Its better to get burnt here than to face allah's fire. Therefore, we sent this man clean to allah. Her mum cried alot at this and said ohh my son I HAVE FORGIVEN YOU fe dun-ya wal akheera. It was not my intention to hold grudge but it used to hurt me alot when you ignore me and give much attention to your wife. After his mum forgave him, at that instant HER SON SAY SHAHADA AND PASSED AWAY.

    NOW, bare in mind this is a man who used to be praying at the front line in the mosq where Prophet lead the prayer. He Was very close to Prophet, He did not leave any prayer and was known to be a pious man in the whole town. Just by upsetting his mum unkowingly, he had soo much troubles during his death, therefore I urge you MY LOVELY SISTER do not ever put your husbands in a position, where they will compromise the 3ibada they have done their entere life, for falling out with their mothers. Islam encourages love, happiness, and unity.

    Please Tolarate, be patience, be humble and do it for the sake of pleasing allah.
    Paradise it is under the feet of your mum, this is another hadeeth of prophet Muhammad (SWA) . So even though our paradise are not under our mother's in law's feet, our husband's paradise are. We will not live with our mother in law forever, push your husband to obey his mum more, push your husband to love his mom more, your mother in law will realise you are not against her, you are actually doing every thing in her favour. You are not her enemy but you are like her own daughter.
    I push my husband every month to send money to his mum, to buy his mum presents, not because i want to be seen good one here, but i want my huband to go to paradise.

    If i say anything to upset anyone, i would like to apologies in advance, and say it is my fault, if what i have said is right, it is because of allah.

    AMNA

    • Good advice, mashallah. However:

      01. I also read the story that you have mentioned from other sources. I do not know if this story is a hadith. Probably not. Because the version I read, there the boy simply abused his mother after marriage and there was no mention of his piety or praying in the first row or anything like that.

      02. Love is something that is in the hand of Allah. This is what Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said himself. Like he was just between all his wives, but he loved Aisha (R) most. Therefore I find it hard to believe that the someone can be punished for something (love) that is not in his control. If the boy had been excellent in fulling the rights of his mother, had spent time with her, had provided for her properly, had respected her, and above all had tried his best--I think Allah, who is the most merciful would have forgiven him.

      03. We need to remember that love is of various kinds. The love for parents, the love for children, the love for spouse, the love for Allah's Messenger, the love for Allah--they are different in nature. Now, if a man remains chaste for like 25 years and then get married, it is natural that at the beginning he will be in mad love with his wife. It is also natural that he may spend a little more time with his wife. Should the mom feel jealous about it?

      04. Whether it is true in every other society or not, in Indian subcontinental culture, I think motherly insecurity that wife will hijack the boy away is one the reasons that boys get married at 29-30. Islamically is this just? Majority of the companions the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) and our righteous predecessor married early.

      05. It is equally true that wives now a days from the beginning cannot stand their MIL, good or bad. This should not be that case. They should be as much supportive as they can. Because Jannah is something that is the biggest price that we can imagine. If the couple can sense that MIL will not like them to live separate or will allow them to live separate grudgingly, I think they should not live separate. They should try their best to live amicably with in-laws and they should do it for the sake of Allah.

      • "If the couple can sense that MIL will not like them to live separate or will allow them to live separate grudgingly, I think they should not live separate. They should try their best to live amicably with in-laws and they should do it for the sake of Allah."

        Brother Stranger, I think approximately one year after you are married, you may think otherwise. :)

        Its easy saying that, however, as you have realised, these problems exist in the Indian subcontinental and these problems are too massive and too deeply rooted in some people's minds as being the 'norm', making it virtually a daunting and painful experience for the daughter in law to live with. Many a times, it is nothing less than allowing oppression upon yourself by choosing this option over the right that Allah swt has given to every woman - that is of her own home, her privacy.

        Allah swt knows our nature and this is something that a lot of men (especially the inexperienced ones prior to marriage or those just married) do not realise at all. He knows that two women in one household will = tension, our nature is that of wanting to lead and be the woman of the house. A woman once married wants to live her life the way she wants to , eat what she wants to, cook what she wants to, dress how she wants to, decorate her house how she wants to. All these small things come together to make something a lot more important and big. If she is sharing a house with another woman who wants to do all these things too however she wants things done her way in her house, then my dear brothers ,be ready for the conflict!

        There is wisdom behind every right that Allah has given to everyone. And this Godly given right of the women to her own privacy and place is something that is extremely demonised in the Indian Subcontinent where its seen as the wife's effort in seperating mother from son. If such was the case then Allah would not have made it compulsory to give your wife her right as well as care for your parents. Both have been made obligatory by Allah so this means that a man can do both things - be a good husband who will give his wife her privacy and home as her right and provide the care he should for his parents and give them their right.

        Indeed Jannah is the biggest price that we can imagine; so a man must accomplish this task and balance between his wife and mother in order to achieve Jannah instead of expecting his wife to give up her right that is given by Allah and put up with his parents who are treating her like garbage.

        It's alright if the in laws are compassionate, who sincerely care for the daughter in law, love her and actually treat her with some respect. If in such a case the daughter in law wants to give up her right to her own place and please her husband and in laws who want them to live with them and is willing to sacrifice her "own" private home for that, then thats fine. Inshallah she will be rewarded by Allah for that. However, this should be seen as an extra goodness from the daughter in laws side if anything and not something she 'should' have done anyway.

        Was salaam

  8. Sometimes I really ask myself the question if our belief system is not too antiquated.....patience up to a certain degree is good but having to accept the interference and plots created by a mom in law for Jannah....
    akhlagh is a good thing but privacy is a great gift and respect is part of it. One of the reasons that in European culture, in-laws can't go that far is because the sons would not allow it and the mother in law respects the privacy of the couple. She wouldn't even dare to insult her daughter in law that way. I think that distance is sometimes the only way out of the situation. Also, giving Islamic upbringing is a good thing, but i don't see how this can be a justification for insulting a foreigner or stranger who comes into a new family system. A new bride is nervous, she is insecure as a young woman, and they don't have anything else to do but to insult?Going too far is not right and if a man is not able to show healthy boundaries to his family, then he shouldn't get married, nobody forces him to marry a woman and bring her into his family system.

    • All these bad behaviors are not a part of our belief system. Islam teaches good manners and respect for privacy. Respect for the elderly must be balanced by compassion toward the young.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Salaam,

    Dear stranger, the Story I have quote i was told by my Dad when i was young, i have heard it in mawa3idha, here in UK same way as descibed by my dad. If you heard your vision allahu a3lam.

    In general,

    I am not saying we should give our rights away to serve and obey others. I am just saying its always better and rewarding to approach any matter with a bit of wisdom and to acknowledge the right of others as well. Treat your mother in law with love and respect, because what ever you are doing today, exactly same treatment will be done to you in future.

    I have seen with my own eyes, some mother in laws are seen as burden in the house. Young couple would go out for dinner, comming back without salaam in the house, they dont even ask this mother in law what she ate, how she is ? wallah just unnecessary tension.
    @ stranger, young couple could have love for each other as long and as much as they want and spend their both spare time to be arround mother in law. when you grow older you will understand what i am talking about. when you grow older, you will feel lonely, confused, etc

    As mother in law, just imagine, get out of the box as you, put your self as mother in law. You have raised your son, he used to say salaam and kiss you on the fore head every day, buy you some thing special now and then, take you to doctor when you are ill. Suddenly after he get married you hardly see him, the treatment towards you completely changed. Basicly you are on your own. The first thing would click in your mind will be your daughter in law. she is the one who changed this. Men can please both his wife and his mother, if his wife encourage him to do that.

    Another thing- soon a new bride when she enter the house, she want to change curtain, change food, change all the house setting it is in our nature i understnad. Now this will depend with mother in law. Some would'nt care less. But some dont like this change. She (mother in law) this is her house, she kept it the way it is for years, if you do this she will certainly feel threatened, this is nothing to do with mother in law, is everything to do with human psychology. Just like having new manager and give you lots of changes, while you have been there for years and actually like the office the way it is. wallah you will get annoyed.

    In normal level, i welcome you in my house as a guest, and you start to take over and change everything, if i am not relaxed person, i would definately be like extuse me, so you are more up to date than me. i might be offended. Sisters you will learn alot by talking to different people and understand peoples mentality and culture, only at this you will realise where we all go wrong.

    I went on holiday to one of my aunt. Before her husband died the family were very rich. After her husband died, she was left with 3 daughters and one son. Her Son used to be very close to her and they could talk for ages, & laugh. Sometimes she would go out with her son to beach, she was very old woman but she enjoyed to sit on the beach and enjoy the wind.

    After her Son got married she decided to live with her daughter, didnt want to cause any conflict between the newly wed. It has been 12 years since her son got married. When i went to visit her, she was in tears wallah, she made me cry as well. She said, my son has not hug me since he got married. Never took her to beach even once. and worse of all, she would go to funeral or wedding where he will meet his own son. On her way back she order a taxi and her son drive his 4X4 back to his house. Wallahi is haraam. He could give her lift home, i do that to stranger why not my mother.

    I asked her, why dont you go and live with him auty, things might change, he might realise how much he has been far from you. She replied if i am far, and he does not put effort to come to see me, rarely. Do you really think there is any love left. In my opinion his wife is not to blame but could contribute for the blame. Just like how she go to be with her mum every weekend, she should encourage her husband to be close to his mum. This is the wort senerio but we sisters can do alot to change our culture and peoples mentality by creating harmony, and loving enviroment.

    As human we shouldn't just stand with our rights and ignore some else position. YES. you have a right, but dont you think it will also be nice to acknowledge the right of others.
    Every woman want their own house, its good, this is what every woman should get. BUt do you really think every man can afford that. Our own mother were patient with our father till they had somewhere to live of their own. But in now days every one of us want straight away to have a place of their own. I am sorry, but if it is easy to get your own place, lets build our own or give our husband 250K to buy.

    How come we tolarate our mum and dad, sisters and annoying brothers in our home for all the years before we got marriege why can't we tolarate our in laws.
    I recently had a baby, and I could not sleep all night. When my baby is ill, i become ill too, as a mother i dont want anything from my baby, any thing. But i would die, if i dont get loved back. Lets be the change we wish to see in others. Dont get oppressed from your in laws but at the same time dont ignore your mother in law. LOVE HER AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE YOUR OWN MUM.

    Amna

  10. Please ,Please , Please watch this below clip, you will learn alot.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UZOKKgJt_Y

    Amna

    • While other posters have point, Sister Amna has spoken the truth.

      Indeed Bani Adam is ungrateful by nature and they are also immensely ungrateful to their parents. The wives should remember that whatever comfort they take for granted--be it a good husband, good house-- all have been achieved only through the sacrifice of the mother. So, all of us should fear Allah and give priority who deserves it best.

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