Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Catholic as second wife to Muslim?

fell in love during my travels

I was sent abroad by my company for an Exchange Program.  Before I left my country, me and my then boyfriend (also a Catholic) were already discussing about getting married. In fact, we planned on getting married 6 months after I finish with the Exchange Program.

While abroad, I met this guy (also a participant of the Program and from another country, Muslim, married with kids). From the start, I already got attracted to him because he’s undeniably good looking. But back then, he was a bit aloof. At the start of the Program, we were not really that friendly and I seldom got to talk to him (because of his distant attitude and I was also a bit shy).

Also, I was in constant communication with my then fiancé that after the day’s activities, I would just lock myself up in my hotel room (Foreign participants stayed in the same hotel, rooms next to each other). However, a lot of things changed after we went out for a party with our other friends.

After that party, we became close. During this time too, my relationship with my fiancé was getting shaky since he was accusing me of fooling around which I was innocent of. He was just not used to me going out for parties because back home, I am a homebody who prefers reading books over parties. This guy became my shoulder to cry on. Our late night drinking sessions (which became my outlet after arguing with my BF) led from one thing to another.

Once when I passed out after getting too drunk, he kissed me but I pretended that nothing happened. In the course of the events however, he confessed that he liked me and eventually, loved me. We ended up going to bed. He said that this was the first time he fell in love (his was a fixed marriage). On my part too, it was the first time I fell in love that hard. When I raised the issue of divorce, he said much as he wanted to, he cannot since he doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of his kids. I am in my late twenties (with a kid of my own from a previous relationship – not my fiancé) and he is in his 30s.

Despite our feelings for each other, I thought that it was just a fling. But after we parted ways and went back to our respective countries, we realized how intense we felt for each other. Once I tried breaking up with him and he was agreeable coz he was also doubtful if he can make me happy but we realized we cannot bear it if we broke up. I tried fixing my relationship with my fiancé but we eventually broke up since I was in love with someone else and cannot stay with him anymore (though my fiancé doesn’t know the real reason).

Currently, he is in another country pursuing a graduate degree. While he cannot divorce his wife, he plans to look for work in my country and plans to settle down here with me. If possible, we are looking for ways how we can get married here (probably civil because we cannot have a church wedding).

I know it’s morally wrong but I really love him. I haven’t told my family about the real score between us. They just know that we were friends. I am so confused but I do not want to lose him and he’s saying he doesn’t want to lose me too.

-  agonad

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9 Responses »

  1. I have a bad feeling that because of you the wife he already has will be extremely hurt by this because it looks like this guy is cheating on her. He as a muslim has a right to marry more then one wife but he can NEVER cheat behind his wife.

    In the Qur’aan, Allaah has condemned cheating and the people who do it, and has warned them of bad consequences. This may be understood from the words (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Woe to Al‑Mutaffifoon (those who give less in measure and weight).

    Those who, when they have to receive by measure from men, demand full measure,

    And when they have to give by measure or weight to (other) men, give less than due” [al-Mutaffifeen 83:1]

    I don't really know what to say about this situation but maybe talk to his wife and see if she agrees to it. Which i have to be honest and doubt it.

    I'm sorry i don't really have a clear answer. Hopefully someone wise will give a good answer. And I'm sorry if i offended you by saying something hurtful.

    • hello can i ask what happend if you both catholic at first and get married have a one child...then the man go work muslim country then he converted as muslim after that he marry a muslim woman..what happend to the catholic wife and whos the legal wife if one can call?

  2. Salamu Aleikum Agonad,

    I can understand the confusion you are going through and I don't doubt that you have sincere

    feelings for this Muslim man. From a western perspective, I would probably say go ahead and follow

    the feelings and emotions you have for this man, as in the West we were raised with the thought that we can

    follow our desires and feelings( which we call love) ,even if marriages are destroyed or children

    lose their mother or father. What I have to criticise with the conscience of a woman like you, a woman

    who is looking for love and a stable relationship which is hopefully going to stay a lifetime , is that you were

    both in a state of drunkenness and

    then had a sexual relationship-although he was married and you were engaged. This is, in my opinion, not

    about religion(at least on your part), but about universal values all human beings share- faithfulness and

    fairness, honour and sincerity. Both of you have betrayed your partners and there is no excuse for that.

    Now from a Muslim perspective, as he is Muslim: He wasn't practising his faith, as he committed two

    sins at the same time: getting drunk and sleeping with a non-mahram woman , which means a potential

    spouse for marriage, in front of whom he should lower his gaze ; normally, he shouldn't even look at you with


    shake hands with you and he has to avoid unnecessary conversations as well.

    I don't have the right to judge the actions of others and not everybody on this planet follows a religion, but

    still, we have an own will, we have a conscience and we have a common sense which enables us to control

    our actions; if you had never spoken to him the way you did, refrained from drinking too much etc.,

    this wouldn't have happened; Love, in my opinion , is not about feelings we develop in a state of

    temptation, seduction and intoxication, but also about responsibility , committment and the ability to say no,

    i.e. withstanding a temptation for the sake of our children and the feelings of our spouse. Even from

    a biological, non-Muslim point of view, in my opinion, both of you follow your desires and the brain

    and the common sense are both switched off:) It is natural that you feel attracted to a handsome man-

    that's human nature. That you enjoyed sex with him as this was a new experience for you and for him

    it was pleasant as well. But marriage is a serious decision, it's not a game , it's a life-long decision.

    It shouldn't be based on desires called love; Ask yourself the question: What do I know about him?

    Why do I love him and for which values? Many people are good-looking. Brad Pitt and George Clooney

    are good-looking, my neighbour is good-looking and the the guy selling drugs around the corner is

    also good-looking. Is that sufficient for loving someone? What do you know about him?

    He has a family and children, and that shouldn't be sacrificed for mere desire. Look, dear Agonad,

    he was a married man, but his morals were so low that he drank alcohol( which you may not view

    as something bad and that's ur right, but for a Muslim , it's a severe transgression) and committed

    adultery. Who gives you the guarantee that he's not going to do the same to you once both of you are

    married???????? Who gives you the guarantee? Forget his looks, look at his morals. When he is

    able to destroy his family now, and leaves them for you, who tells you that he won't do it again?

    You can fall in love , but if you don't work on it and have good morals, you will fall out of it again.

    Betraying and hurting feelings is a vicious circle. It's never going to end and therefore it shouldn't

    even be started. Both of you have made a mistake and it's over, you can't turn back time. But you

    can control your actions from now, forget him. If a man in our western culture has sex out of wedlock and

    leaves his wife, we call him names and condemn him even in our free society , but if a Muslim does

    this, it means that he doesn't respect both of you, you and his wife. If he had had serious intentions, he

    wouldn't have approached you like that and wouldn't have carried it that far.

    Please, Agonad, don't destroy a family and the children within that family unit for lust, pleasure and

    one night of passion. This can't be love, it's an illusion we create in our minds to justify our actions

    when we feel attracted to somebody. Try to fight that feeling of attraction, however hard it may be

    at the beginning. You have a conscience and an own will, marry someone with good morals.

    Insha allah you'll make a reasonable decision

  3. Oopssssssss. I overlooked the part in which you mentioned he wants to take you as a second wife.

    But even that's not sensible, as he sees it as a loophole because he can't get divorced from his

    first wife. I think regarding the marriage of a Muslim with a non-Muslim, the Qu'ran allows them

    to marry women of Ahl al Kitab, people of the book. Provided that they are practising Christians,Jews

    and faithful. But normally, Qu'ran doesn't recommend the marriage with people of other faiths, as

    a matter of precaution. As he doesn't seem to be practising and acted in an immoral and unlawful

    way, why does he want to take advantage of Islam and take a second wife? Again, picking out

    the cherries of the bowl? When it comes to alcohol and fornication, the Qu'ran remains in the

    bookshelf, but when something suits us well and desire comes into play, we take the Qu'ran out

    and say Bismillah? Did he fear his lord when he got intoxicated and committed adultery? No. So

    why does he need his religion now though he isn't practising?

    I would still recommend you not to do it and forget about him. Someone who isn't faithful to his lord won't be

    faithful to his wives as well.


    No. So suddenly he needs his religion and fears God?

  4. Assalamu Alaikum Agonad,

    Both brother Ali M and sis Jannah has touched upon many points that I agree with.However, I would also like to add something.This man says that he doesnt want to loose you and hence wants to marry you. .In Islam a muslim man can marry Christian.However, she must be Muhsanah, which means chaste and virtuous. Women who are involved in illicit relationships with men are prohibited for Muslim men.

    In addition, he wants to settle with you in your country.

    1. Are you sure he's not looking for opportunities to have a better future for himself?And using you to get what he wants?Tell him that you would like to settle in his country!And play that game for a while!You will see his true colours!

    2. This man doesnt love his wife yet he has three kids!

    3. He says he cannot divorce his he wants to marry you and also wants to keep his wife.While he will tell you he doesnt love her the chances are he will have another kid with her.

    With due respect agonad, if a man can go against his religion and the mother of his children then he will go against you aswell in the future....if you will get married you will break a family and as much as you think he will stay with you for the rest of his life.....ask any man.... ask him!His children will come before you always.....and then you will be left wondering what he's doing with his will hurt you.....but, he will still have an option to return to his wife....but what will you have??? then you can only blame yourself for it...

    There is also a possibility that tomorrow this guy will cheat on you still have time!Dont break a family because the action you will take now will haunt you one day soon!

    I am sorry if I have said things which will hurt you but unfortunately it is the truth...and I hope that you will take the right decision....

  5. This is bad all round. You probably deserve each other. He has a wife and you had a boyfriend. However, you wer eboth overcome by alcohol and lust and gave into evil temptation.

    Whilst your boyfriend can readily move on, you have assisied in wrecking some poor womans life and that of her kids. How selfish and thoughtless of you! Yes it is her husband who has essentially wronged her, but you knew he was or should have been unavailable to you, but then you were supposed to be unavailable as well.

    He probably only wants to 'marry' you to make sure he can stay in your country. Then he'll bring his wife over. At least then you can get to see how hurt she is face to face.

  6. I agree with Hopeful on this, even if s/he is not putting her/his feelings lightly. I think you should work on your self-esteem and focus on your friendships as well as family-ships. When non-chaste women enter into 'relations' with a man it is not in such a short time period! How can he respect you when you give things to him so easily? How do you know he won't get drunk with some other girls while he's overseas, hurting you and his first wife? I think you need to cool down a bit, and heal as it must of hurt to lose your engagement.

  7. how can you first of all sleep with a man who has another womam? not only a woman, a WIFE? and then you ask him to divorce his wife? i know he's guilty too, but how could you?!

  8. Not only did you seduce a married man, even though you were engaged to someone else, but you also hoped that he would divorce his wife for you. You mentioned that he wasn't interested initially, but he eventually gave in because you had your eyes on him. Would you like it if someone did that to you? That is so unbelievably selfish, to ruin someones life and destroy their children's future, all for YOUR own desires.
    I think you need to take some time and reflect upon your actions. Its unfortunate that we live in a selfish society where it's all about fulfilling ones own desires regardless of the consequences. But for your own sake, rethink your decisions. The man involved committed a horrible crime, because adultery is a major sin in Islam. If you care about him at all, allow him to repent and leave him alone. I understand that you are not a Muslim but I'm sure we all have some morals and values regardless of religion. As a self professed catholic you should know that adultery is a sin. Perhaps you can learn from your mistakes, and move on. Let this married man go.

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