Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cheated, hurt and abandoned!!

tree lonely

Assalamu alaikum

My story begins from the days of childhood till date.

During my childhood/schooling, I was always abused, wronged, and punished for doing nothing.  I was a victim for everything I did not do.  My classmates and cousins used to torture me hurting both physically as well as verbally.  My dearest childhood friends and my cousin who is also my childhood friend cheated on me and passed comments on me recently and just walked away from my life, which hurt me and depressed me.

I never believed in love relationships before, but unfortunately I fell in love with some girl.  We had a good relationship together, but we never crossed any limits.  We had a pure relationship though, but i know it was against islam.  I had a good intention to marry her.  I respected her and was very polite and calm towards.

During my childhood, a man (homosexual) who stays close by to my house tried to rape me, luckily by the grace and blessings of Allah, I was saved by his own mother and brother.  Though, I was told by them that i do not reveal what happened with me to anyone that includes my own parents, but I was silent and depressed for many years.  I really had a harsh time and somehow managed to come out of it when i fell in love.

But my girlfriend betrayed me.  She got engaged and kept this a secret from me for almost 7 months, and finally a month before her marriage she revealed everything to me that she is getting married and had to leave me.   I did every possible thing for her.  I used to earn well, 70-80% of my salary i used to give it to my parents and rest what i used to keep it for myself i used to spend on her, but she didn't value anything and just left.

Today, I'm so depressed that I'm punishing myself so much, not getting sleep, praying whole night sometimes, and my mind is full of all the thoughts or bad memories of what all happened to me from my childhood till date.

Now, my question is, does Islam allow us in anyway to harm or hurt physically or mentally the people who hurt us so much as i am so depressed and angry that i want to punish them very badly 🙁

Please brothers and sisters, pray for me as i am very depressed and losing on my health.  Pray that Allah guides me to the right path.  I quit everything in the name of Allah; movies, songs, etc, everything.

Please answer me.  May Allah bless you all.

shams

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16 Responses »

  1. You sound like a nice and generous guy. There are many that hurt you but you don't want to stoop to their level. Don't let the actions of the woman who hurt you , ruin it for you and other relationships . You will find the right person for you and insha Allah you will be happy. Pray and make duaa for Allah to turn your life around and it will happen if you are sincere.

  2. by looking at your data,i can see you had many dreams having a life with her,child...etc

    she in fact was taking advantage of your kindness.

    her fiance earns more than you so she left you,

    first fault is yours that you fell for a dunya unislamic girl.

    forget her and marry a religious girl.

    marry a religious one or else you will be a loser(hadith)

    do dua that she should suffer the same what she did to you.

    if she did play with you,she will come running to AllahSWT soon regarding her family problems.

    if you just leave her,let AllahSWT deal with her in grave.

    by looking at your data,i believe AllahSWT gave you a second chance to get close to him.

    forget those filmy stories and follow sunnah.

    my advise to you is cut the amount you spend hearing sad music and instead hear Quran.

    if you take a step towards AllahSWT,he will take ten steps towards you.

    AllahSWT's Islam or your ego hungry desires?

    choice is yours.

    Salaam

  3. You are such a kind hearted guy, I'm so sorry that all this happened to you, but, brother, Allah tests the ones He loves most. 🙂
    Allah does everything for a reason, but you have to realize here that you have done wrong in dating her. There is no such thing as spending time with the opposite gender before marriage.
    As much as it hurts, come out of this situation stronger and a better Muslim. That's why Allah does these things; to protect you from harm and bring you closer to Him.
    This girl was just using you to her advantage, and be happy that Allah took her away from you, you deserve better. So, now that she is gone from your life, you have a chance to get a good grip on becoming a better Muslim. This world is meant to break your heart, because it was meant to test us all. So, don't fall into depression. It's useless and time wasting, and Shaitan loves that you waste your time. Your alive right now for a reason, and that is to worship Allah and beg for His forgivness between it's too late.
    Brother, you are a good man and Insha Allah, you will come out of this a better Muslim. You just pray, and read and learn the meaning of what you are reading. Talk to a scholar, or just start going to the Masjid and find good company. Allah will only change your situation if you begin to change within. 🙂
    May peace and blessings be upon you, brother.

  4. Dear Brother shams,

    what happened to you was bad.

    but if you look carefully around,even aorund this website for instance.....most of the bad stuff is happening to good people.one reason is that if you are good than people tend to take advantage of you .and thats a general theme you see across globe.

    so how do we react to it? stop being good, stop following the path of God, be nasty and mean. start taking advantage of others?

    if your conscience allows you to be like that ..... then you can perhaps decide to turn into evil like others....but remember Allah is watching all of this and its all getting recorded.

    the way I look at it is that being nice may not help you get anywhere but it will help you sleep better. i would rather go to sleep crying to Allah that I feel hurt for the way I am being treated than reflect on my days activity and say to shaitan .... today I have let you use me as tool to cause harm and hurt.

    remember no harm come to us unless its ordained by Allah and no good comes to us unless it has been decreed for us. for we may think something is good for us but it may be not be and vice versa.

    I too find that friends, family and loved ones have disappointed me a lot and the way i cope is to turn to one that is the most reliable .....Allah. make him your most reliable, certain friend. tell him all your hurt and worries and ask him for guidance. I used to ask sooo many things froom Allah but realised that many for them were not even worth asking for. I now ask Allah to make me be pleased with whatever he thinks is best for me.

    I suggest go on you tube and listen Yasmin Mugahed talk on patience. it helped me a lot.
    my favourite pass time is to go on ILMFIX website and listen to all the talks there.
    you are a good person .... its a rare quality .... keep yourself precious like that ... and dont turn like the rest.

    All thebest my brother.... as one of my seniors says... chin up, head down.... and keep walking the straight path. thats the only path that will take you to succcess.

    i suggest join a group of people in your community who are doing some good work, youth group, charity organisation etc this will increase your interaction with likes of you.

    also remember... world is full of deceiving people ... so keep your eyes and ears open, dont let your whole self be consumed into pleasing others. our whole sincerity only belongs to Allah. dont let people prey on you. be strong,be smart, use your experience to be wiser.

  5. dont think about your past, forgive all of them who have hearted you,
    have faith on Allah and his prophet Muhammad(pbuh) pray five times.
    and try to get married quickly and start a new life. Allah will help you

  6. AsSalaamu Alaikum Beloved Brother,

    As friend said above,

    ".....most of the bad stuff is happening to good people.one reason is that if you are good than people tend to take advantage of you .and that's a general theme you see across globe."

    This is because Allah (swt) tests us in everything, as He tests every good person as well. The Prophets and messengers of Allah are the best people, yet Allah (swt) has assigned to them enemies. Allah (swt) says, "Likewise, We have assigned for every prophet an enemy—human and jinn devils—inspiring one another with fancy words in order to deceive. But had your Lord willed, they would not have done it. So leave them to their fabrications." (Quran 6: 112) "Likewise, to every prophet We assign enemies from among the wicked. But your Lord suffices as a Guide and Savior." (Quran 25: 31)

    However, Allah (swt) Has taught us how to deal with enemies, as we can see that in the lives of the Prophets and messengers of Allah (swt), how they were compassionate to their enemies, which lead many of the enemies to repent and accept the message of Allah (swt).

    Allah (swt) says: "Good and evil are not equal. Repel evil with good, and the person who was your enemy becomes like an intimate friend. But none will attain it except those who persevere, and none will attain it except the very fortunate. When a temptation from the Devil provokes you (in order to prevent you from repelling evil with good), seek refuge in Allah; He is the Hearer, the Knower." (Quran 41: 34-36)

    Again, if one cannot be patient and insists on revenge, Allah (swt) has permitted it provided that the revenge and the pain, plus the outcome will be the same, it must not be higher or lesser than the injury, which is very difficult to achieve, so being patient and gaining reward for that is the best.

    Allah (swt) says: "If you were to retaliate, retaliate to the same degree as the injury done to you. But if you resort to patience—it is better for the patient. So be patient. Your patience is solely from Allah. And do not grieve over them, and do not be stressed by their schemes. Allah is with those who are righteous and those who are virtuous." (Quran 16: 126- 128)

    "...Whoever commits aggression against you, retaliate against him in the same measure as he has committed against you. And be conscious of Allah, and know that Allah is with the righteous." (Quran 2: 194) "...And let them pardon, and let them overlook. Do you not love for Allah to pardon you? Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Quran 24: 22)

    Now, the revenge thoughts are temptations from Shaitan, and Allah says you should seek His refuge in Him from the Shaitan.

    Rather than thinking of revenge, you should pray good for those who have hurt you in the past. This will not cost you money to do so, but it will gain you two types of countless rewards, the first is the reward for enduring patience, and the second is for loving someone who has hurt you and praying for that person for the sake of Allah.

    Allah (swt) says: "We will certainly test you with some fear and hunger, and some loss of possessions and lives and crops. But give good news to the steadfast. Those who, when a calamity afflicts them, say, “To Allah we belong, and to Him we will return.” Upon these are blessings and mercy from their Lord. These are the guided ones." (Quran 2: 155-157)

    "...and patiently persevere in the face of persecution, hardship, and in the time of conflict. These are the sincere; these are the pious." (Quran 2: 177)

    The Prophet (s.a.w.s) said: "How wonderful is the life of the Mu'min; all his life is good. When he is in a good state, he is grateful for that and it becomes good for him. When adversity befalls him, he bears it with patience and then it becomes good for him. This is for none except for the Mu'min." (Muslim) "...There is no one who has been given a tender, that is better than patience." (Muslim)

    May Allah soften your heart to forgive and forget, and may He protect you from the temptations of Shaitan. Ameen.

    • Also, you may add this du’a whenever such revenge thoughts start to approach you. If you read Arabic, then look for it in the Holy Quran and then memorize it, if you haven’t done so yet or just read it in English.

      “My Lord, I seek refuge with You from the urgings of the devils. And I seek refuge with You, my Lord, lest they become present.”

      Allah (swt) says:

      96. Repel evil by what is better. We are aware of what they describe.
      97. And say, “My Lord, I seek refuge with You from the urgings of the devils.
      98. And I seek refuge with You, my Lord, lest they become present."

      (Quran 23:96-98)

  7. Assalaamualaikam

    Islam doesn't teach us to take revenge on people; rather, we should look to Allah's teachings and reflect upon the importance of forgiveness, acceptance and moving forward with faith in Allah. From what you have written, you have indeed had trials in your life, but try to put your trust in His plans and don't let your troubles make you bitter.

    The past contributes to who we are, but we need to be careful not to let it define us and taint our present and future. It might help you to speak with a counsellor or therapist who is familiar with Islamic values, in order to put some of the past to rest. When you think of the past, try to counter a negative thought with a positive one, even if it's something as (to some people) small as a happy time playing in your room or the park. And challenge your negative thoughts - if you find yourself thinking about something over and over without coming to any resolution to it, make a conscious effort to put that thought to one side and fill your mind with something more pleasant and more involved - regular remembrance of Allah, nafl prayers, reciting memorised surahs...

    Make sure that you are filling your day with activities that are constructive and make you feel more positive. Try to do something nice for yourself every day. That could be anything from playing sport, to reading a few pages of a favourite book, to listening to a recitation, to meeting up with a friend. So long as it's a halal activity, it doesn't matter what it is, if it helps you feel better. Be kind to yourself and to others, and ask Allah to help you forgive and move on from the past, so that you can grow closer to Him.

    May Allah comfort and guide you and all our brothers and sisters who are experiencing similar struggles.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  8. dear Hasham

    if you want to recover from the past and its pain, get marry ASAP a pious muslimah.. a pious muslimah-- u will get calmness stability and peace of mind. after the intimacy or nikah the flow is mercy and love between you ---that is the promise of allah

  9. Walaykum as salam,

    You have received already excellent answers, masha´Allah. I only would like to add the following.

    Memories are like ghosts, they don´t have physical presence but can wake up on us strong physical and emotional answers every time they come to us.

    In your case, the suffering related to being deceived by people you trust, has brought to your present all the bad memories you had been putting on a side all these years and with them, the silent suffering you had gone through,...I acknowledge from heart all the suffering, all the loss, all the emptyness, all the loneliness, all the anger, you had gone through and you are going through, but, thank God, the time for healing all these ghosts from the past has come to your life, you see it and you are asking for help to get out of it, thank God.

    As mentioned before by Issah and Midnightmoon, forgiveness is the key, I will say it in a different way, but masha´Allah, they have done it in an excellent way,

    I would like to share with you that deserves the try, to ask God for the blessing of being able to forgive because this is the only way that, with the Grace of God, we can get the blessing of erasing all the bad memories, to God´s willing, be able to appreciate the blessing of being alive every now.

    Thank God, your Heart is healthy in all senses, the way you have given yourself the opportunity to flourish despite your past, talks about it, your emotions at this moment are normal, are human, they call your attention to help you to become the best you can be, thanks to what had happened to you with this girl you have come here to open your Heart, to light up all that was closed in it for so many years, God´s willing, you are ready to heal all the wounds that have been hurting you for so long, ...thank God.

    You know, when we keep bad memories within our hearts, without healing them through forgiveness, they have the tendency to repeat once and again in our life, like a pattern, the people, the situations, the fact is that we end living the same act with different actors once and again, this is other reason to keep forgiving and asking for forgiveness(it doesn´t matter how good we believe we are or the others tell us, the fact is that we are not conscious a 100 per cent that we really are, then just in case much better to ask for forgiveness too) as much as we can.

    You remind me of a beautiful prayer,

    " May God help all of us to forgive people who have hurt us. Please, heal our emotions that have been wounded and teach us how to love unconditionally. Thank you for continuing to extend Your love and mercy toward us. Please remind us daily to be closer to You. Help us to forget the past so that we can live our now moving forward to the future as we press toward the mark of our higher calling."Ameen

    Thank you for chosing the way of healing and for sharing your loving Heart with us.

    God knows best.

    May God protects you and guides you always. Ameen.

    My unconditional love and respect,

    María M

  10. Dear Shams,
    The feeling of depression is like no other...you are hurting deep inside but no one sees your pain. They just don't understand how you feel.
    You are a good person and May Allah continue to protect you. InshaAllah you will find the love and peace in your heart and the most beautiful people will enter and be in your life InshaAllah.

    Salam

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