Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cheating husband

LIpstick mark on shirt.

salaam to everyone

Don't want to write a long long story but just need to get this off my chest.

I come from a mixed background mom being white and catholic and dad from a third world country and muslim.

Growing up confused my parents both not religious but strict day got a divorce and my mom got the custody. My dad kidnapped me to his country at the age of 12 and left with with his family who were all religious Muslims. They did go out of their way and gave me all the love they had.

Growing up I wanted to stay in a muslim environment since I love being muslim. So I greed to an arranged marriage. They carefully chose a very educated man for me from a nice family.

So I was determined to do everything possible to be the best wife I can be and keep my husband happy. He wanted kids right away and lots of the so we have 4 healthy beautiful kids. After each kid he grew verbally very harsh and angry. He gets angry and will use swear words for me and put me down. Then he will act like nothing happened a few minutes later. He even shouted and screamed at me at a party with all his relatives present. I had to walk out and was crying felt so embarrassed and humiliated.  He later appologized but when I think of it I am still hurt and feel like he's so disrespectful.

I have been putting up with his rude behaviour towards me because I believe nobody is perfect and I can be angry too.

So I have been trying to cook good food as he likes to eat and then he has a very high sex drive and over the years developed some very kinky habits that I been trying to keep up with. Some are disturbing to a point that I feel sick to my stomach. There are days when I did not feel like doing all that or too tired with kids.

It's been 16 years and now I am struggling because I found many times traces or hints of him not being faithful like him having online accounts for cheating sites like Ashley Madison. He would just come up with some lieshe was just curious or something like that though he had ratings from other people. 2 years ago I finally found a few emails one of them confirming he did visit a prostitude.

He first denied it but after showing him the email he admitted to it and begged for forgiveness... That it was a mistake and he will never do it again. He needed to have more sex and after Ramadan he felt deprived but it was only physical not emotional so not so bad.

Now on Ashley Madison he posted adds that he would like to meet up with men or women. In his emails he did exchange nude pictures with men. Set up dates and places to meet. For that he swears on his father's grave that he never met up with a man.

After that we were just fighting for weeks. Was so hurt. Then I found another email he exchanged again after all that with a couple he wanted to meet.

He still swears he loves me and will change for the sake of our family. Now we went to couples counseling together... He just lied the whole time.

Now he plays mind games with me. He wants me to be as I used to be and have sex everyday. I tried but I am hurt and he didnt treat me good after so now I sleep seperatley for about a year now. He does push me for sex and I don't feel like forgiving him no more. He tells me that since I do not work if I leave will put the kids in poverty and he wont pay child support!

He needs a wife or else he will go back home and get a second one and will have to buy her expensive things to keep her happy. He won't have Money to support our kids.

He tells me that he loves me but everytime we have a fight he takes my debit and credit card and says he is cutting me off because I am not a good wife and providing him with wifely duties. Last time he took my phone too. So he makes the money and owns everything.

He keeps trying to scare me to straighten up and come to my senses. He even told the kids that he cheated and mommy won't forgive him. He tells the kids to keep an eye on me I could be talking to other men and be looking for a new husband.

Went to a friend's girls and party and he took the kids with him drive by her house to check if I was there.

I do understand that he is older than me and I am considered good looking. He knows I never did anything wrong. I don't trust him anymore and he is driving me away. I don't love him and maybe never did. I tried to make it a happy marriage since Allah chose this husband for me. But now I don't want to continue being the good wife and being sworn at while he can't even be faithful.

Yes I do not work and dont want to deprive my kids from the life they are used to. He thinks I am being childish and that will only hurt the kids future.

My girls don't want to get married to a muslim man because they don't like how he's mean and disrespectful to me and them.

Now he does make a good living and loves them but this situation is just taking a toll on me mentally.

This 2 days good 2 days bad behaviour is hard to delay with. What should I do? Am I being unreasonable or making a mistake if I am thinking of ending this marriage? Do I have to keep trying to make this marriage work?

_Alina_

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6 Responses »

  1. Look back and read the email that you sent us. I do not believe in divorce and god doesn't either unless it is due to an extremity like beating or cheating. There is a verse that says whosoever puteth away his wife except for the cause of fornication(cheating ) then he causes her to commit adultery. And he that fornicates against his wife has already divorced her. So you are basically set free from those chains. Listen there are more topics where it states that he should repent and then again intertwine in marriage or marry the other so he won't sin but that is not relevant. He is sick, go to a psychologist. If you are in america or somewhere that is not 3rd world country the government will support and help you. You cannot live with a person that is that much sick and capable of sleeping with men. The simple fact that he's been thinking of that means it's already embedded in his soul and something that he is capable of if no one stops him. In itself I wouldn't even trust the children to be alone with him and I sure enough would not want the children to grow up around him and his ideas influencing them. God is merciful and all knowing, the chances are that if you've caught him once in the emails and actions he has already done it several times before you found out. Another thing I'd like to point out is if he has pushed you to do things from the rear and not from your women area then that is considered another divorce in itself, I don't know and I don't want to know what has gone on between you guys in the bedroom but you know. Also check your self because he can get you sick from STD's or AIDS and pass them on to you. You need to go and check yourself and the fact that you are sleeping separately is very good. God will provide! wealth is not more important than life, freedom and Happiness. Though times may get tough, god will provide. you need to have faith but the right faith, when you can't deal with situations you must hand it over to god.. surrender your problems to god. But also work to make a better life for yourself and your children. Think about it, would you prefer your children being raised next to a man that doesn't even know if a donkey is better than a women's part and be influenced by that and grow into smaller pictures of their dad or would you prefer to live with just the necessary things and get by but raise honorable independent intelligent children that are faithful and reflect and image of yourself and the good people surrounding them. Sometimes we focus on our present but we must also look at the aftermath every action has a reaction in all aspects. you should talk it over with your parents, their wise they've gone through something similar yet different. I am sure they will help if one closes the door the other one will open, no worries. contact me if possible.

    • Salam Selene,

      When you say this:
      " I do not believe in divorce and god doesn't either unless it is due to an extremity like beating or cheating. There is a verse that says whosoever puteth away his wife except for the cause of fornication(cheating ) then he causes her to commit adultery. And he that fornicates against his wife has already divorced her. So you are basically set free from those chains. "

      Are you talking about this being the case in Islam or some other religion? I'm asking because these verses are not in the Quran.

  2. Yes, you should keep trying to stay in this Mariage. I don't say that st some point he will learn his lesson but for you and for kids life will become so hard that you can not imagen. So behave like a dignified person and do not argue with him. Just fulfil your needs and focused on your kids's character building.

  3. Hello,i really need to share this on here, because i'm quite sure it would be of help, for people that need evidence of their partner's immoral escapades, i was in this situation for about a month, trying not to break my relationship but i kept seeing signs of a lost woman,i read online and i got introduced to cyberwebkey484 at gmail dot com, be me dig into her phone even without me having physical contact with the phone, i saw her texts with her boyfriend on her facebook and whatsapp messages, they seem to be seriously in love, i envied her happiness but that she is happy doesnt make cheating right.

  4. Salaam sister.
    Just wanted to ask you to imagine if it was your daughters in this situation what would your advice be?
    Islam is a religion of mercy and Allah doesn't allow for anyone to be miserable and live a life they don't want.
    It's clear from your letter that your husband is abusive and manipulative. Not only that he is controlling you and putting fear in you to stop you from leaving.
    He is threatening you with poverty and using the children to soften your heart to stay in this situation.
    It's clear he doesn't love respect or value you. You are just a mere possession in his hands who will do what ever he says. Sister you are being abused and your situation wont change until you change it yourself.
    I can understand your fears and predicament but are you willing to stay in this marriage for the rest of your life?
    What are you going to say to your children when they grow up and realise that you were being abused and did nothing to stop it?
    How are you going to cope when your children are all grown up and flown the nest and your left on your own with your cheating husband? What's to say he won't leave when you are old and your beauty has gone??
    Its not wrong to leave if you are unhappy and miserable. Allah has allowed divorce as a means to leave a marriage that is causing you harm.
    Divorce in such situations is a blessing and He is also the provider not your husband. Allah will look out for you and your children. It will be hard to begin with but you can do so much to improve your life.
    You can get a job or go back to education and better yourself for your children's sake. Don't let him put you down. Also if you can see a therapist after years of abuse a victim ends up losing confidence and self worth. But know you are worth so much more and you deserve a life too.

    I pray Allah makes it easy for you and takes all your problems away
    Ameen
    Lots of love

  5. "My girls don't want to get married to a muslim man because they don't like how he's mean and disrespectful to me and them"

    I'm surprised you're a surprised about that. Kids are very observant and a lot smarter than people usually think - that's why I'm always saying people aren't doing their kids any favours by staying in toxic relationship. Kids are going to be affected by it for life. Your kids don't know about love and relationships, they just watch you and your husband and think this is what marriage is like, and what they should expect out of getting married. Any normal person would not want to get married in their shoes.

    Do right by your kids and yourself and leave this man. There's no reason why you should have to tolerate mistreatment and disrespect from your own husband.

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