Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Feeling depressed and need advise

  I am feeling very depressed and need some help, please advise me and guide me.

I love a girl and i promised her to get married to her but unfortunetly due to some family reason I am unable to marry her.

I was trying to covince my family but could not and now the girl is getting married.

initally she was very upset but as i tried to convince her that we could not married as ALLAH has something better for us and now she is getting married but she says that she want to have contact with me.

I tried to explain her that its better that she should live happy with her husband and she says that she will try to live happy with but she want me to be in contact with him.

I am feeling very guilty about the promise of marriage I made to her but did not marry her and hurt her.

I am regulary praying and seeking toba from ALLAH but I dont know how should I convince her that she should not contact me, as when i say this to her she weep alot and say dont do that to me she dont want anything but just want to be in contact with me.

- star

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19 Responses »

  1. salaam,

    it is wrong to stay in contact with a married woman.Give her marriage a chance.
    it might lead to breaking a marriage.Let her know and stay away from her.

  2. Ignore her straightly. It's good that you understand you shouldn't be contact with her. Don't let saitan win. Brother I suggest change your all contact so she cnt reach you it's even better if you get married asap.

  3. Leave her alone bro. you can spoil her married life if you keep in contact with her.

    you both should fear Allah.
    tell her that in Islam it is not allowed for her to communicate with a non mahram (without any valid necessity).
    just stop talking to her. cut all means like try to change your phone number, block her on your social networking site if she is there.
    she may be sad/cry now. inshaAllah she will move on.
    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  4. Is she getting married to the other guy because of her parents choice. And why did your parents not like the girl? It's your life after all and at the end your own happiness.

  5. Brother,

    To remain in contact with her causes her pain and shows her a great deal of disrespect. If you truly care for her as a person, then help her to continue on her path, on her walk with Allah, without doing anything that may cause her to make a mis-step. You must not communicate with her. Both you and she know it is the right course.

    It could also cause you to make a mis-step, as well. You cannot be friends with the wife of another man.

    Additionally, out of respect for her future husband, you must not distract any of her affection. It is important that she focus on her husband with no other man even passing though her mind.

    AmericanMuslim Editor

  6. Assalam'alaykum,

    Seeing it from a different perspective, well, since you both loved each other and now you cannot marry each other instead she is getting married soon, you have no right whatsoever to be in contact with a married woman, especially you, since you were a lover. She is pleading to keep contacts with you because she cannot get over the fact that you both are never gonna be together as her heart is still with you emotionally but she isn't realising that by being in contact with you, she is treading a path to doom and devastation which will only give illusionary hapiness but indeed constitutes sins from you and her.
    It will be extremely immoral and evil for you to keep in touch with this woman, just imagine from her husband-to-be point of view. By doing so, you will still be playing with her emotions thus she will not be giving full affection and attachment to her husband-to-be and if her husband-to-be finds out, then this could lead to her DIVORCE. Yes, she contacting her 'lover', can make their marriage unhealthy and might lead to divorce. You might be a reason for their divorce. Do you want to be a reason for their divorce ? Well, we will see what Islam say about this,

    Prophet said: “Whoever corrupts a man’s wife or slave is not from my ummah.” (Abu Dawood)

    Prophet also said: “He is not one of us who turns a woman against her husband or a slave against his master.” (Abu Dawood)

    So surely, by keeping in contact with her, her emotional illicit feelings towards you would never fade and shaytan would take advantage of it and cause corrupted atmosphere in their marriage and might cause seperation between them making you a reason, so be careful.

    Furthermore, prophet said: "Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension between people); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” Satan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” He then embraces him” (sahih muslim)

    Allah said in chapter 2 verse 102 meaning, the devils practised withcraft to seperate a husband and a wife.

    Therefore, you being a reason for their divorce is akin to taking the satan's side indirectly. Would you acknowledge that ? Ofcourse not. Therefore do what Allah said: “O Children of Adam! Let not Shaitan deceive you, as he got your parents out of Paradise,”(Quran, Al-Aaraf: 27). ". . . and follow not the footsteps of Shaitan. Surely he is to you an open enemy"(Quran, Al-Anaam: 142).

    So do whats right and moral and that is to sever all ties completely. Change your number etc if needed. Do not keep contact with this woman no matter what even if she weeps the the water out of her. Tell her to fear Allah and obey Him. It is a grave sin to keep in contact with her as it will corrupt her and I already posted a hadith of corrupting another man's wife. Please, leave her alone.

    You might think, why I'm, in a way, blaming you, infact I'm not because I think Allah is guiding you as you are the one who is not blinded right now and is aware of the situation but that woman is blinded and oblivious and I cannot reach her 🙂 . You seem to know whats right but is confused I guess. That woman is blinded by emotion and you are receiving guidance, As Allah informed us when Iblees (Satan) said:"O my Lord! Because you misled me, I shall indeed adorn the path of error for them (mankind) on the earth, and I shall mislead them all. Except Your chosen, (guided) slaves among them"(Quran, al-Hijr: 39 – 40).

    Finally, repent for the sins you've committed and never again form a pre-marital relationship as it is forbidden and it'll unnecessarily spoil many lives.

    “And turn in repentance and in obedience with true Faith to your Lord and submit to Him before the torment comes upon you, (and) then you will not be helped”
    [al-Zumar 39:54]

    “Truly, Allaah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves”
    [al-Baqarah 2:222]

  7. Well if she wants to be with you, tell her its wrong your married, let her know that youll be marrying someone else you wont be single too so it would never work being friends. Just cut off all relations inshallah it will be fine but dont tell anyone about it cause the girl doesnt realize it will harm her marriage you know.

  8. Thanks everyone for your reply and advices.. Am constantly praying 5 times and doing doing alot of tauba. Will ALLAH forgive me as I break her heart and now I am feeling very depressed because I always thinks about her. I never contacted her and asked her to dont contact me. But frankly speaking I cant forget her.. I am trying my level best but she is always in my mind and am weeping all the time. I understand I should not effect her married life and am praying for her happiness. One thing which am doing I dont know its correct or not, please advice me on that. In my dua I ask ALLAH that please unite us in a way that It will not break any family ties. I always pray ALLAH if she is good for me give me another chance to marry her.

  9. plzz someone reply..

  10. Can someone please reply me on my last post?

    • Brother,

      Allah knows your heart, and your wishes for this woman. It is certainly okay for you to express your desire to Allah in a dua. However, remember this is your desire, not Allah's plan. They may be the same, or they may not.

      I suggest that instead your offer dua that asks Allah to allow her happiness and to keep on her path, and to allow you happiness and to keep on your path. Allah knows best, and he has a plan for both of you. This plan may include you together on your paths or it may be that you have separate paths.

      If you stay on your path, and Allah judges you worthy, you will then enter paradise, where you will understand and see the wisdom and mercy in Allah's plan. Until then, you must trust in Him. Have faith. It is a test, but it is temporary. Use this test to make you a better person. Take the energy you have due to this affection to improve yourself.

      Brother, I had an experience somewhat similar to yours. I know this is not easy. Do not allow Shaytaan to take your emotions and lead you off your path. Instead, allow Allah to guide you and give you the strength to stay on your path.

      AmericanMuslim Editor

  11. Thanks AmericanMuslim for the reply and nice suggesstion. I am trying my level best to remain on the right path and in my prayer am asking ALLAH to help me to remain on the right path.
    Acutally what am feeling in my heart is that I did a big mistake by rejecting her. Now my heart always says that I should make dua that ALLAH give me a another chance so that I can give her some happiness.

  12. Brother, if she is married and that is the case, then why are you making dua that you marry another man's wife? 

    It is too late for you 2 to unite if she is married. It is over and you have to accept it. Whatever issues you had, you should have resolved them sooner as she has moved on. 

    However, if she is not married yet then carry on making dua and do something about it. So make an effort to win her back in the halal way as well as making lots of dua and then place your trust in Allah that He will respond.

    Anas (radi Allahu anhu) reported that a person asked Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam), “Should I tie my camel and have Tawakkul (trust in Allah for her protection) or should I leave her untied and have Tawakkul.” Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) replied, “Tie her and have Tawakkul.” (Hasan) [Jami At-Tirmidhi]

    Tawakkul means to put in one's best efforts to do what Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) expects one to do and then leave the results to Allah's will. 

     Tell your family that you are interested in her and get married if that is what you both desire.

    Tell her that you are serious about marriage this time and apologise for the past. Your sincere intentions should be reflected in your actions.

    Believe in the power of dua. Dua can change your destiny. You stated that you pray 5 times a day. Also, get up for tahajjud and beg Allah. InshaAllah your dua will be answered at the appointed time by Allah.

    The Prophet (Peace be upon Him) said: “Nothing can change the Divine decree except Dua.”

    The Prophet (Peace be upon Him) said: “No precaution can protect against the decree of Allaah. Du’aa’ is beneficial with regard to what has been decreed and what has not been decreed. The du’aa’ meets the calamity that has been decreed and wrestles with it, until the Day of Resurrection.”

    It is easier to be the one who turns their back and walks away without even casting one glance in regards to what is left behind - 'stranded'.

    And if you have wronged/hurt her by breaking promises or misleading her then it is important that you seek forgiveness from her. As how can you be at peace with yourself until you have seeked her forgiveness?

    Hope my advice helped you 🙂

    • Sister Pearlzz, thank you for your comment and your good advice. I hope you'll continue to post regularly on this website Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

  13. Thank pearlzz for the reply and advice...

    She is married now and am not in contact with her.. Am praying ALLAH for forgiveness and I do pray for her happiness and I know I lost a chance and it i cant do anything now..

    But to be very frank there is always one thing in my mind that even if ALLAH want to unite us then he is musababul asbaab and he can creates some assbaab to unite us.. So with this belief and with belife that dua can change your qadar I make dua that ALLAH give me another chance to marry her. I dont want to break any realtion.

  14. You can't pray for marriage with a woman who is already married. You shouldn't pray that you get to marry a married woman. As dua keeps the hope alive of marrying her yet it is not possible nor healthy for your emotional well being.

    Its wrong to ask for another man's wife. Another man is her husband and divorce is disliked by Allah. How would you feel if another man made dua that Allah unites him with your wife? It sounds ridiculous and absurd.

    You have realised that you need her in your life. But it is too late. You need to let go of her. It was well and truly over the day she got married. She is taken now.

    She has a husband, a few years down the line possibly children. She will build a family of her own. Yet you will be stuck in the past as you will continuously want to make dua to obtain her. What if she finds happiness with her husband?

     Get a grip on yourself, face reality. She is married and therefore there is no chance you can be with her.

    You realise now that you are so unhappy and depressed without her. Can I ask you -
    Why did you reject her in the first place?  

  15. Really I don't want to create any problem in her life and I do pray that ALLAH gave her happiness. I am not praying that her husband give her divorce. I understand what you said and I am trying my level best to forget her but right now am feeling very depressed and cant explain how I am feeling.

    Why I rejected her.... Well I told my parents and they wanted me to marry in family, and at that point I was weak so could not make decision I thought I would be able to forget her and make my parents happy. But now I fell I should have done something to convince my parents, that's the biggest mistake of my life. I am regretting it and asking ALLAH for forgiveness. I know I am the ridiculous person who did everything and now feeling guilty.

    • Brother star,

      I am sure you believe in Allah. Believing in Him also means you trust in Him and understand that He knows infinitely better than us. By asking for something that you can't have suggests that you know what is best for you above and beyond Allah swt (asthaghfirAllah).

      Please ask Allah to give you peace
      Ask Allah to give you sabr.
      Ask Allah to allow you to trust His plan.

      shaitaan's trick is to make you doubt Allah's plan and put you in such pain that you will think that even if Allah were to offer you something better and above what you desire, that somehow that wouldn't measure up or somehow that Allah doesn't understand you and your needs.

      Let go of your desires by seeking Allah's pleasure.
      Whenever you feel depressed, know that Allah is right there for you and that you are never alone. Do not despair as this is what shaitaan wants.

      May Allah find a solution to your problems, Ameen.

  16. Sister Saba, Allhamdolliah I believe in ALLAH and have faith he always has better plan for us. Thanks for your advise and will pray that ALLAH forgive because I think its all because of the regret am feeling inside me. But I will pray that ALLAH give me sabar, please pray for me...

    I did a mistake and I have to bear the pain because i deserve this. Regarding making the dua I was just doing it because ALLAH asked us to supplicate, ALLAH forgive me if i was asking for any thing wrong. It very difficult to erase every thing from heart but with ALLAH help i will try to do that now.

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