Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have found someone who I want to marry but he is not ready for marriage.

Assalaam Alaikum,

want marriage, marriage, not ready

For the past year and a half I have been seeing someone who I would like to marry InshAllah. However I have come across some obstacles on the way. When we first started to meet up, I knew he was the right one for me, as in my Dua’s I used to describe to Allah how and what qualities I was looking for in a husband and I feel  that Allah has definitely brought the right person to me, who meets the qualities I want in a husband. Although I knew he was the right one for me, he wasn’t ready for marriage commitment.

It has now been a year and a half now and I believe if this relationship was not meant to be, we wouldn’t have been seeing each other for this long. I understand that it is haram, I know it is that is why I really want to get married soon to him but the only problem is he still isn't ready for marriage.

I spoke to him a few days ago about how I felt, I only wanted security from him on whether he feels like there can be a future between us two. But as I already knew, he didn't take the conversation too well. He explained to me how he isn't financially stable, which I fully understand and I explained to him how two incomes are better than one right?

I understood also that he wasnt ready for that type of commitment, but all i'm asking for is security, just for my piece of mind. After a while he started to get angry and started to say some horrible things and I don't know whether he said those things just to hurt me so I could get over him alot quicker. It has really upset me, however I still love him and he is still the guy that I want to marry.

Before I had this conversation with him our relationship has got a lot better MashAllah, and I thank Allah everyday for bringing him into my life and also for making things better between us. But I do want the process of marriage to come up quickly. He is the sort of person who I cannot push. If I nag him too much, I know I will end up pushing him away and I really don’t want to do that, which as you have read above clearly shows I cannot push him to the edge.

His parents really want him to get married, as he is the next in line in his family to get married and he tells me that his parents want him to marry, however he says to me that he is not ready at the moment and not financially stable. Which is understandable, however I do worry a lot incase this relationship does not work.

I know I shouldn’t think the worst and think positive, but I can’t help but think negative at times for just in case. He knows how I feel about him and what lengths I will go to keep him happy. As I have been brought up to always respect your husband and I do this now to show him that when we do marry, the way I keep him happy well try to now, I will also continue to do that when we are married.

I make Dua everyday for Allah to accept my wish InshAllah, I try to read my namaaz 5 times every day. I also read Darood Tun-jena 100 times a day and also read Darood Ibrahim every Thursday and Friday.  I fast every week when I can for Niyat, to prove to Allah that I am serious about this, that I would do anything for Allah to get closer to Allah and also for Allah to accept my wish.

I know that Allah will accept my wish when the time is right, but I cannot help worrying about the situation. I have come to an age where I am ready to get married and complete half of my deen. I also really want to tell my father about him, but I cannot say anything until he is ready to tell his parents at the same time.

I have been advised to do istikhara, however I am afraid to do it. I know I shouldn’t be afraid, but I don’t think it is something I want to do. Is there a Dua or anything I can do for my Dua to be accepted quicker?

-sab

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16 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum sister,

    (" the right person to me, who meets the qualities I want in a husband "), sister as you know yourself there is no realitionship between a man and a women in islam.the most important quality you should look in a husband is deen,without islam you both wont be successfull in this life and in the next and if a man is a good muslim man, he would fear Allah and stop meeting a woman if they are not married! he should be practicing islam, if he wants to marry you in few years then he should talk to your parents and you could meet in public but never alone because the shaytan will be always there to push you into sins! did he actually ever tell you he wants to marry you in the future?

    ("After a while he started to get angry and started to say some horrible things and I don't know whether he said those things just to hurt me so I could get over him alot quicker. "),this is really alarming sister!he said horrible things to you and hurt you just because you want to marry and he doesnt?! (not that there is an excuse for some other reason!)

    ("As I have been brought up to always respect your husband and I do this now to show him that when we do marry, the way I keep him happy well try to now, I will also continue to do that when we are married.") you really do everything so he will marry you but what about him?you should keep your husband happy but he is not your husband sister!

    (" I fast every week when I can for Niyat, to prove to Allah that I am serious about this, that I would do anything for Allah to get closer to Allah and also for Allah to accept my wish.") sister it sounds to me that you do all that just because you want to marry this guy and not because you want to worship your Creator!if you want Allahs help then pray and worship Allah, strengthen your imaan ,dont do it because you want Allah to accept your wish sister.as you know yourself boyfriend girlfriend realitionship is haraam in islam, how do yo expect Allahs blessing if you dont obey Him?if you really wish to come closer to Allah stop talking and meeting this guy and follow deen,inshAllah Allah will give you a good muslim husband sister.you do not know if this guy will marry you in the future as he is not even ready to talk to your parents about it! sister please repent to Allah and stop talking to this guy and inshAllah Allah will forgive you.Do not worry about this guy if it is meant to be it will and if not ,trust me Allah will give you someone better inshAllah! you said you are afraid to do istikhara,why?is it because you already know you doing wrong and are afraid your istikhara will come out negative?you should not be afraid because if you do istikhara Allah will inshAllah guide you.whatever will come out it will be inshAllah the best for you sister.
    ("Is there a Dua or anything I can do for my Dua to be accepted quicker?") i dont think it is.Allah will accept your Dua inshAllah but you should stop meeting this guy and repent,if you continue to meet him how do you expect the situation to get better for you?repent to Allah and inshAllah, Allah will give you a good husband.

  2. Salaams sister,

    Im not going to lecture that it is haraam to have a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship in Islam you know that already. Secondly do not marry this man because he is using you and making excuses he is never going to change his mind. Sister if he was serious which he is not, he would have come to your family with his parents for your hand in marriage. 1 and a half years together you have given him chances, do not even commit in haraam because often this what happens believing he is the ONE especially women they have something that is going to happen and then the guy dumps the girl after he used her. DO NOT FALL INTO THAT TRAP PLEASE!

    Sister i strongly suggest you to leave him, money isn't everything, you dont need him. You are set to marry and he is wasting your time, marry someone else who will respect you and give you respect not someone who is using you and wasting your time FACT. May allah protect you always and not become another victim of these men who use women as garbage waste and come up with lime excuses.

  3. Salamualaikum,

    Sister, you can not force anyone into marriage. If he is not ready, he is not. You can not force him.

    I want to point out some other things which are serious. Love is something which enslaves a person to the person he or she loves. This is a trap prepared by the Shaitaan, in which, he makes a person feel that he or she is doing Worship of Allah with sincerity, while it would actually not be so.

    I wouldn't say you do, but you are moving towards it. And my sister, you need to protect yourself from the Shaitaan. He is your enemy and never wishes good for you.

    You said the following:"""I make Dua everyday for Allah to accept my wish InshAllah, I try to read my namaaz 5 times every day. I also read Darood Tun-jena 100 times a day and also read Darood Ibrahim every Thursday and Friday. I fast every week when I can for Niyat, to prove to Allah that I am serious about this, that I would do anything for Allah to get closer to Allah and also for Allah to accept my wish."""

    All this should be done solely for the sake of Allah, to seek His Pleasure. Fasting, in order to have this thing accepted? It is not something good. We fast, so that we can Please Allah by it. Saying Darood is done so that Allah sends 10 Blessings on us for each time we say it. (I am not sure what Darood Tunjena is. It seems to be one of the innovated ones famous in the subcontinent : Allah Knows Best)

    Your wish to get closer to Allah is good, but it should not be dependant on anything else. Whether you get something you ask for or not, you should be Pleased with Him. He May or May not accept your wish. He Knows Best what is good for you. If this man is not good for you and not Destined for you, He Will Not get you married to him. Otherwise, He Will, by His Will.

    The Dua of Istikhaarah is just to make sure this is good for you. Why do you fear doing Istikhaarah? Do you fear a negative sign from Allah? If this man is good for you, you better not get married to him. Allah Knows Best, while you do not.

    My suggestion is that if he is not willing to marry, cut all contact with him and move ahead. I know it is said easier than done. But you can not waste your life for a person who isn't Destined for you, if he is not.

    Istikhaarah could even change his mind, if done properly, if Allah Wishes so. But if your outcome is negative, move ahead, being Pleased with Allah and thanking Him for saving you and enabling you to not waste more of your time.

    If you have any question, please ask.

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Salam,

    There is one sentence " Men marry when the time is right. Women marry when the man is right " I think this sentence figures out many relationship like what you are facing now. Many men avoid a marriage seeing they are not stable enough and thingking their right time hasn't come yet. Many women wanna quicken a marriage when they feel they have found the right ones. You know him not stable yet but still you have a big hope to marry him because you believe he is the one you're looking for. You have a positive thinking that money can be earned together. You also wanna avoid such kinda relationship more longer as it is haram in Islam and your mind isn't in a peace doing that because one year and a half is not short time. I do understand ur situation. It is sad n stressing to deal with unclear future yet. You really want him to know that u are ready to deal with everything happen in the future as long as you're with him. When you choose him means you accept him the way he is and i believe both of u love each other as you pass one a half year. my suggestion, please give a try once more by talking to him about u have a good intention, about u accept him the way he is, and talk to him not to be afraid about the Rizk. Allah Arrazzak will open the way for u and him as a family as long as you both do ur effort. And also pls talk to him that u wanna avoid that kinda relationship for the sake of Allah.

    Wish u the best

    Nisa

  5. Sister,

    Why don't you ask him to do nikah with you now so that you can have a halal relationship and be husband and wife islamically then when he is financially stable you can make it official and have the wedding party and live with him.

    If he is serious about marrying you then he will agree. If not then you will know his intentions. You need to be firm with him not be scared that you will drive him away. As the important thing is that you do the right thing by islam not that you find the ideal husband and not let go. Isn't following islam and abstaining from sin one of the characteristics you were looking for in an ideal husband.

    If he persists in leading you on in this haram relationship until he becomes stable 10 years later, is he really an ideal muslim husband? Is he really worth it.

    You need to be firm and tell him straight, either he asks for your hand in marriage NOW or stops contact with you and ends the relationship.

    Good luck, and hope all goes well

  6. Dont Rush it, you will regert it.

  7. You can NOT and should NOT force someone into doing something they don't want do - they will hate you for it and it will drive them further away from you.

    It is time to hand him over to Allah, sister. Make dua. If he is meant for you, he will come back. If he does not, it means Allah never meant him for you.

  8. Assalam Aleikum Sister Sab,

    I am writing to you and I do this before reading any of the responses given. I would like to give you my honest opinion before I get influenced from reading other bro's/sis's responses to your situation. I really wish that sometimes we would have the capabilities to see what Allah SWT meant for us. Well that is how I used to think. Because then we would have the capability to know exactly what we will get :). But Allah SWT tells us to put our trust in him.

    Easy said than done right? Well this is what happened to me. It was the year 2010 when I met this man. He is Muslim, from the same ethnicity as I am and to top it off, I found him very good-looking, MashaAllah. In all honesty I was excited but I didn't know how to react when he first approached me. This was the very first time a man has ever approached me. I was 28 and always believed and still do that a woman should save herself for her husband. So if I ever gave this man a chance, my intention was for marriage. When I got home, I spoke to my older sister and told her how this man approached me. She told me to find out about his background and give him a chance. And a chance I did give. To cut the long story short, it has been two years and the man is NOT my husband. I was in that very similar situation as you are facing right now. I want to commit to a halal r/ship, he is not ready to marry. I kept asking him "what are your intentions with me?" and he would always evade them. I even approached him with a direct question of marriage and he would tell me that he is not ready for that.

    I started getting confused and wondering what Allah SWT had in store for me. I live in the northwest and have always been conscious of my deen, akhlaq and taqwa. I have never dated and believed that my husband should be the first man to hold my hand, take me to the movies, enjoy a meal together etc. So when this good-looking, same ethnicity as I, Muslim man approached me and whom we seem to share a lot in common plus the attraction was fatal; I just automatically believed he was the one for me, that Allah SWT meant him for me. But when I saw things were not working the way I thought they should I started to really get confused. I would write emails to Islamic counselors, I would read them, they would pacify me for a short period of time, but then I went back to craving for this man's attention (for marriage).

    It was hurtful and I cried many nights. My heart would tell me what if he is the one? coz we seem to share a lot and saw him as the ideal husband. But my mind would tell me facts. Facts like, if he wanted marriage he would marry me. And that If Allah SWT meant for it to happen, it would happen. So the question for me was….. what is this?

    The answer that I came up with is that, this is truly a trial/test from Allah SWT. That sometimes Allah SWT can test us by something good (or what we think is good for us). '...and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.' (Surah Baqarah: 216).

    I realized that I seem to focus on just one thing so much that I forget that this is all dunya and we are here temporarily. That when I pray the whole intention is to ask Allah SWT for something when I should just be focusing on worshiping HIM alone. That I should place my faith in Allah SWT to chose for me what is good for me and my deen. After 2 years of an on and off relationship with this man, I realized that my iman is not what it used to be prior to meeting this man. I also realized that this could be a wake up call from Allah SWT, telling me to wake up and go back to HIM SWT.

    I cannot tell you that I am perfectly fine without this man right now as everyday is a struggle to focus on my iman praying to forget him so I can focus better. A week before Ramadhan was our final straw, and realized that this is not what Allah SWT wants for me (or at least right now). The last fight I had with him was just last week and only because he is not ready to cut ties. It hurts only because I feel like I wasted 2 years on someone who did not want to marry me but wants me as a date. But Al7amdulillah, I see this as a blessing in disguise because I have turned back to Allah SWT in all sincerity. When I make dua, I ask Allah SWT to shower me with HIS SWT love which encompasses all other love. You see, when you deeply feel the love of Allah SWT, you feel liberated from wanting humanly love.

    I have also learned to understand who I am and what I (really) would want from my future husband InshaAllah.

    So dear sister. Don't waste your dua on asking Allah to grant you your wish when you don't know what the future holds. May be Allah SWT is delaying your dua for a good reason. So instead make dua and ask Allah SWT to elevate your Iman.

    My other personal opinion also is that if this man really loves and wants you for a wife….then nothing would have stopped him to ask for your hand in marriage. Not even silly excuses such as financial support because that is just silly excuse!!! Because all rizq comes from Allah SWT. Please sister, place Allah SWT first. Second; focus/work-hard on your iman and third; find yourself (i.e. what you really want in this life and the hereafter)

    NB/ "No amount of guilt can change the past, no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah's decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny from you it cannot fly". Uthman Ibn Al-Khattab

    Salaam
    Sister In Islam

    • I so agree with you mas'allah i hope every sister reading this can learn something that everything is for a reason but for better too. Your reply really touched my heart thank you

    • This is such a good reminder from SisterInIslam for all women who are in the same situation. May Allah give sabr to all for what the men have done and May Allah give the better ones, who really appreciate the meaning of a marriage for the sake of Allah. I'd love to know what step do you take Sister Sab ? after you get some advices from Sisters and Brothers here.

    • yes excuses are meaningless. even if this financial stability is a problem he would still tell you to wait until he is ready and make a commitment like engagement or something for your own sake. every excuse is pathetic even if it is depression. it is nothing but an an excuse.

    • Amazing comment Sister.
      "But Al7amdulillah, I see this as a blessing in disguise because I have turned back to Allah SWT in all sincerity. When I make dua, I ask Allah SWT to shower me with HIS SWT love which encompasses all other love. You see, when you deeply feel the love of Allah SWT, you feel liberated from wanting humanly love."....this spoke to me like the sun shining in your face. The visceral desire for humanly love (romantic) is suffocating and akin to Incarceration. Understanding that love from Allah trumps that craving for real romantic love is hard to grasp and feel unless you give your whole soul and heart to him. Once you do you feel and see how immensely powerful it is..enough to silence your nafs and to liberate you from emotions that are a result of misallocating your focus and your heart on duniya matters ie in this case another human to complete your deen - which is fleeting and temporal by nature. As much as marriage is endorsed in islam, women cannot forget that a prosoective husband/ husband's love will never compare to God's - it fallsshort ffrom God's..and is never 100 percent guarenteed, like God's love. All of these hardships sisters are facing is very telling of how a man's love will never compare to Gods love, that having Gods love is not only superior to the love offered by any human being, and therfore signifies how incredibly important it is to have and secure Allahs love first before receiving any love from a man & mankind.

  9. dear _sab_,

    i know how you feel. i too want to marry someone who i have strong feelings for but after asking him whether he would commit he was airy fairy and said horrible things to me just as you described your guy is saying to you. nagging pushes him away too. we only had our romance for 10 days but it was enough for me that he wouldn't commit so i left him and ended it. you need to be firm sab, seriously. if you don't show him what you really want he will continue dating you and you will get stronger and deeper emotionally and you won't be able to get over him for a good few years. i know how it feels, i am hurting so much just as you are. but i guess you have been together for a long time, you should meet in person tell him how you feel and how you can't take it any further if he won't commit and leave him alone. do not call him or text or anything. this time apart will show him what his life is like without you. if he really cares about you he will come back and make it right. all he has to do is tell his parents. it's not that hard if he is god fearing. if he doesn't come back then you know you wasted your time and you will suffer from heartache but be sure you did the right thing to leave. my guy didn't come back and i am still heartbroken over it. i dont wish the same pain for anyone else. please just leave him before you hurt yourself too much. you don't want to end up like me, crying almost every day and praying to Allah in desperation to take this out of my heart. seeing him all the time on campus is worse. i fall to pieces each time and he doesn't even seem to care. take my advice and just have the conversation. show him what you want and your standards. even if he doesn't rise to them you know what you deserve. you're a muslim girl and you deserve nothing less than a marriage proposal. xxxx

  10. Assalamualykum.

    • jp, please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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