I haven’t converted yet but I cry to Allah everynight because I cheated so my boyfriend has left me
Asalam walaikum everyone.
I don´t know why i'm writing on here but i feel so so depressed right now and i have nobody else to turn to. I know i have Allah and i should turn to allah but i feel asif i need a human response, if you know what i mean?...
I've been reading some posts on the site and their are so many sisters who have been through hell and back and i feel for them; my situation seems really petty compared to others. First of all i am not a muslim, and when i was in high school and i had a male friend who is a muslim called R, we've been friends for years and one day we got intimate and eventualy we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I cheated on him when we were together with some of his family members who arn't real muslims, (i feel as if i am in no position to say that but i dont want to leave it out).
Anyway during this time i was just a normal western girl (No offence) but i was, I used to drink alcohol, have boyfriends and go out clubbing etc. But when i was with R (in a relationship) i slowly started to stop going out because i didnt want to hurt his feelings and i stopped eating pork because he didnt, during when i was with him he didnt know i had cheated on him.
I was so afraid to tell him but it use to eat me up inside. One day i told him the whole truth it was (I dont know what word to use but im sure you all know what im trying to say). I felt so destroyed inside because he was, i didnt know what to do or say? But what can you do or say really?... As time went on he forgave me but it was never forgotten, when we argued it would always be brought up.
He started introducing me to islam, he bought me my first Qu'ran a translated one, i started reading in and it was amazing. Life kinda made sense and calamities.
We still remained boyfriend and girlfriend, we were so in love with one another; i think he loved me more than i loved him though, looking back at it.
One day i cheated on him again, i kissed another man. That was all that happend. I know that doesnt make it anymore right. I dont know why i always fall into that trap. I hated myself. R found out and we broke up, it is understandable, isn't it??
We remained friends, i begged him because he's the only person i have in my life. I don't live with my mum or dad and nobody knows about me and islam. I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense , its really hard to explain bit by bit.
Anyway were still friends and abit more.. He really wants to be a good muslim and refrain from sinning with me which i understand and respect. I have just turned 18 and i still dont drink, eat pork or go out clubbing and i havnt converted.
I love him so much and i want to marry him. But he said to me i have threw away the chance of us getting married ever because of what i did, the cheating and lieing. I am trying everyday so hard to be a good person and i do wish to convert one day but im so scared. At the moment i am so depressed that i talk and mostly cry to Allah at night and ask him to take me because i'd rather not live in so much pain and sadness. Majority of the time when i see R i cry to him and ask him can we please be together but he says we cant because he has shame.
I have no muslim sisters who i can talk to or anyone. R always talks about his aunties and for a long time ive been considering whether to approach one of them to talk to about this situation, what do you think?
I feel like im going insane in my mind, I can never sleep at night anymore and i stopped eating for a while so i had something else to focus on. I cry almost every day, i just want to be with him. We make such a good team and I know he loves me otherwise he would have never stuck around after everything that has happened.
What shall i do someone?.. please tell me the truth.
-cf261
8 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
he does not love you dear.... any man desires a faithful partner as his spouse that is if he is a faithful guy.... he is only sticking around because he is being nice.... well that is what i would do and i do it with all the ppl that hurt me i smile with them give them gifts stick around but in my heart i feel nothing for them its called being nice
I'm with you on the being nice part Haniyyya.... I totally agree. Don't assume because people are trying to show compassion that they are in a position where they don't mind having their heart abused and used AGAIN. It's hard to forget, almost impossible really, and trust is not there... how do you expect a marriage to last?
What you need to come to terms with has nothing to do with R. You have a connection you need to make, you're trying to better yourself but only with R.......then R hurts you and you go back on everything you say you believe? If you want Islam, except it's teachings than become Muslim for the fact that you truly wish to submit yourself to God; one and Alone! It's not a matter to be played with and it has nothing to do with R. R has his own lil demons he has to deal with, and you in the picture isn't helping him to better himself as a muslim. Nor are you drastically any different of a person than who he knew. Maybe you stopped doing certain things, fine... but internally you're hanging on to company, not necessarily conviction.
You're hurting.... you've got pain inside of you and that's understandable. You have a chance for true happiness, which is from God Alone. Seriously the sweetness of faith is just unbelievable and you'll only know when you experience it. And you can only experience it if you're sincere , and doing things with the proper intention; for God alone. You're in this world for purpose, R isn't all there is and though you don't feel like that right now, that's the reality of it. You really need to elevate yourself and search for the meaning of life; then you'll find happines. Then you'll find success, God Willing!
Umm Abdullah
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
You and R were really close and you had a good relationship. Compared to other people you were with, he cared for you more than them. He even gave you a translated Quran to show deeply how he loves you and what Islam is about. He kept you healthy by preventing you from clubbing and drinking alcohol. R is a true Muslim and if you give up your chances and stop talking to him, who knows you can go back to the wrong path, it’s rare to find a soul like him. If you love him and want him back, you can't ever cheat on him and give him a promise. Maybe he might even take you back if you convert to Islam and show him you are serious and will never go back to cheat on him ever again. Things can go back to normal and your depression can be solved. It may seem unlikely for him to take you back but if you study Islam and show him how much you learned, he might just forgive you. After all it will not hurt to convert. All you have to do is declare that there is only 1 God(Allah) and Muhhamad(pbuh) is the messenger of Allah, that’s all you say and you become a Muslim. Remember that you might not be able to ever find a soul like R again, so ask him to forgive you. I will make dawah for you, so your depression can Inshiallah(god willing) be solved.( Its R who prevented you from wrongdoing)
It's hard to repair trust once broken and in your case" twice broken". You've got to understand what this man is feeling. You've lied and cheated on him. He probably feels that you capable of doing this to him over and over again.
Sometimes we don't realize what we doing until we see the consequenses and deeply regret it. Think of this as lesson to be learnt. Whatever has happened cannot be undone. You need to show him that you willing to change. Study more about islam. You mentioned that you want to convert but why are you scared? Change your life for the better. Promise yourself that you will not do those actions again. Maybe overtime R will see the good in you.
Approaching his aunts might not help. This was your fault. They might judge you by your actions.
Rumaysa
Obviously everyone can advise you but you will only end up doing what your heart says.. Don't let anyone put you down about anything because no-one should be there to judge you because no-one is perfect hunny. But if you did cheat on him, maybe you need to think about why, do you really love him or are you just attached to him because you have no-one else? And if you love someone, I don't think you would cheat on them unless you were very drunk or something, but you said you don't drink so that's not the case.
As for converting into Islam, do not do it for him, you need to do this for yourself and as much as I would encourage it 100% as I am a muslim, don't let anyone force you into becoming one. A proper muslim will teach you and support you, not force you into becoming one. If you converted, you would definately overcome this problem if you trust and believe in Allah more than yourself.
Another thing, Allah ALWAYS knows whats best for people, you cannot forsee the future, how do you know that being with him would not have had a bad consequence further down the line? You must always remember that whatever happens, Allah does for the best. Maybe you met him to turn to Islam, and now, maybe you're not with him because its better for you in the future.
I know it can be heartbreaking but just remember you're going to become a young adult you've got the future ahead of you and its never good to depend on anyone. I think you need to sort your head out first (in the nicest way possible) find out if you love him or need him, do not be selfish and then accept the fact that its over and let him go. Don't bother begging him, when a guy makes his mind up, he's made his mind up fullstop and 99% there's no turning back. Maybe you could ask him if you two can carry on as friends if it bothers you that much, otherwise I would stop contacting him alltogether as you'll find that you will probably get over him sooner though it will be very very hard. But nothing is easy in this life.
I would suggest that you convert into Islam and ask Allah for guidance as this is the best solution. People can give you all sorts of advice but the true direction you will get is from Allah trust me. Put your 100% belief in him, and he will sort your problems out inshallah, whether that means being with R or being without him. You just have to trust Allah and keep praying that is the key darling. I personally think that you've relied on this guy because you have no-one else, I don't think you need him, and I think you should learn how to be independent.
I wish you all the best
Ok firstly from a very westernised and mixed race family, As a devoted muslimah alhamdollilah all Im going to say first is I hope you do convert / revert and become the good person you want to be inshallah and then ask allah for guidance and help out of this situation because he is the one that can indeed help and the only one that will guide you to a solution as he is the greatest alhamdollilah
but sister another thing try and smile be strong inside please
we've all been through stuff , some worse than just a love if im honesst and allah has answered our duas and inshallah will answer all our duas- sometimes not giving us what we want but something better etc and you cant see it now but ALLAH NEVER EVER FAILS just remember that and please take it in every breath and remmeber it and take some solace in knowing that
secondly all i can say is that maybe allah introduced this man into ur life so that the only good thing that comes of it is that you revrt 🙂 then allah may guide you to someone who will accept you because rightly so he is nt going to after you cheated on him twice, think about it as as you mentioned ''shame'' it is as if he doesnt want his family thinking he has chosen an indecent wife so cos he's one of those boys that values his familys opinion its unlikely he's going to take you seriously in life even if he does love you he's stuck now but inshallah if you change become pious you never know?
but all i am going to say too is that he isn't perfect the fact that hes a muslim and seeing you sleeping with you for all we know he isnt exactly pious, make dua he changes his ways inshallah
i really hate it when girls think theyre driven to suicide when their love doesnt love them back ; it happens to everyone but i just hope more girls were like me and strong and realise that allah has written everyhting and knows the bigger plan although its so hard committing the unforgiveable sin of suicide is not going to help (obviously) but more importantly what ij trying to say is understand sister there are worse things occurring in the world than to be in turmoil over someone not loving you back - are they really worth your time if they don't? it's sad, you think to yourself im a good person why dont / wont they love me but if they dont its their loss and just make dua allah guides you to someone that will work for Him the greatest and will look after you thats all we can ask for but no matter what if you get what you want / him / or not try and smile realise you have many blessings, oyu can walk talk work and remain steadfast and allah will surely help you because he never fails
seriously more women need to be strong! even if it means ending up alone please be strong and realise if youve done nothing wrong and you follow islam fully why on earth should you despair when there are starving children in this world, etc
dry your tears, revert, make du'a and live this life in preparation for the next dear:) and remember muslims are the best of mankind alhamdollilah allah has blessed us with this fact.
That's Peak,
You shouldn't of cheated with boys but then Twice? Wow You Must Feel Like Your Alone But Allah Is With You, If You Really Love Him Become a Muslim Because Its Haraam To Have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend Especially If She Or He Isn't Muslim. Convert Say To Him I'm a Muslim Iv Changed I Promise These Things Are In The Past Iv Grew Away From Them, Say Forgive Me As The Prophet Muhammed (Pbuh) Said The Greater Person Is The One Who Can Forgive. But Don't Rush Into Marriage! To Get Married This Could Take Years To Happen.
Marriage is That one Person you wake next to with a smile, that one person you'll share your child with, that one person who will know all your secrets, that one person who will be there when your upset or ill, that one person who will do what every they can to make you smile, that one person who will look after you for the rest of there life, that one person who will love you for you, that one person who's yours and if he gives you a chance don't throw it away.
first of all, it's truly courageous of you to have put your feelings in such words. Reading them gave me the strength to put down my own feelings for the first time ever.
i myself have been under tremendous stress regarding a relationship that i am currently in and it has driven me to a point that i cry almost every night, and have been feeling extremely for a few months. this is how i look at my situation and i hope it helps you too: it seems that Allah is breaking me inside out, making me realize how i have been let down by the people i love, how i have let them down, how much i need to forgive them for my own peace of mind, and how humbly do i need to ask for forgiveness to those whom i have hurt. it is a painful struggle, but one that is progressive for sure. Allah is breaking me down every day, and it feels that the emotional numbness/wall that i had been feeling inside me is crumbling. it is extremely painful to break down bit by bit, to the extent that i feel the physical symptoms of stress/pain every single day in some form. i keep in mind that it is a cleansing process and Allah is the most forgiving. Allah looks at your intentions more than anything else, and asking Him for what you feel and what you want is the best pain relief that i have experienced. Ask Him, even if you haven't converted. He will give you what you want; and even better, if He chooses otherwise.
My heartfelt prayers go out for u!