Please help: My marriage is about to come to an end
In-laws.
Assalamoalaikum,
Me and my husband got married two years ago and it was a love marriage. My mother-in-law never approved of me however with my father-in-law's help, my husband was able to convince my mother-in-law over the marriage. Overtime, however, my mother in law has been quite unappreciative of me, she keeps taunting me, criticizing me about everything, one of the biggest thing under criticism being my looks, something which is God gifted and I have no control over.
Many a times, my in-laws start these horrible fights where they yell at me and my husband over pointless things, for example, why is my husband going on a diet, why did I wear saari on an event, why did my mother not send the wedding photo albums to my in-laws when they asked for it (even though my mother paid for them and she wanted to keep it for a few days in order to show the pictures to our relatives that were leaving for the US). Due to this constant tension, my husband remains stressed due to which he yells at me, at times he has hit me, he keeps fighting with me and we are at a point where he doesn't even reply politely to my queries.
During the early months of our marriage, when I had had enough of these tantrums and the constantly deteriorating situation at home, I asked my husband for a separate house as I believed that living separately from my in-laws will release much of the tension and confirm a better life ahead. However, when I and my parents discussed this with my in-laws, my father in law simply said and I quote "Over my dead body" and "I can ask my son to divorce your daughter any time"... Fearing for my relationship, I decided to live with my in-laws however I made it plenty clear to my husband that I am not taking back my request for a separate home and that you and your parents will remain is sin until they do the rightful thing. Obviously, things did not get any better, my husband has started spending most of the time with his friends, he is hardly home with me and when he is, we barely talk as he is always on the phone/chat with his friends.
Yes, the intimate relationship is still there, but mostly I am the one who asks for it otherwise there are periods when I wanted to see if my husband was interested in me that way and we did not have any intimate relationship for up to 2-3 months. Due to all these factors, and the behavior of my in-laws I have grown anemic and I have clinical depression. Then recently, things took a turn for the better, and my husband asked my to start applying for my masters in Australia so that we both could move out. This was not only a way for us to live separately but also for better living standards, better career opportunities and more security since the law and order situation in my city is getting worse day by day.
So I obeyed, and I started applying for masters in Australia. These things were also informed to my in-laws who never said a word during my IELTS registration, test, when the results came out and I said I'll apply for education abroad, when I started getting my admissions... And now when I am almost on the verge of applying for a Visa and leaving, they told me that they will never allow their son to go to Australia simply because they (quote) "don't like the place and most of our family lives in US/Canada" to which I said that my idea is to go to Australia, get permanent residence then find a job in the US and move to US and Canada and to this they responded "we don't trust you"
They also said that me and my husband do not even act like a married couple and that the relatives are talking and that things are not working out and no one is happy. They told me that instead of dragging it out we should just put an end to it and file for a divorce. I agree that things may not be going well but that's mostly because of all the tension that my in-laws give us, it has driven my husband away from me and he spends his time with his friends simply because he wishes to stay away from his home and parents. But my in-laws blame everything on me. In front of them I have said that they can talk to their son and that yes they maybe right about the relationship not lasting for long and yes we may not be acting like a true couple and if my husband agrees to it then we will file for a divorce. However, I love my husband very much, and I want him to come to Australia with me, I also do not want to put an end to our relationship because I know that by no means is divorce an acceptable thing and is strictly frowned down upon in Islam.
My questions are:
According to Islam;
1. Can my in-laws stop my husband from coming with me to Australia simply because they don't like the place, even though its ensuring better financial conditions and job opportunities for us? At this point let me also tell you, I have 2 brother in laws one of who is going to leave for US after 2 years because he got married to a girl of US nationality and the other brother in law will stay with my parents in law. Also, my father in law works and my husband only contributes a small percentage of his salary to the household and once we go abroad we will obviously be willing to send more amount to my in-laws. Also, I have no issues with my in-laws visiting us and coming to stay over and meeting us once we are in Australia and we will definitely keep on calling them and talking to them.
2. Can my in-laws make my husband divorce me, simply because we wish to go abroad or because according to them I did not fulfill their expectations namely spending more time with them, cooking and cleaning which I can not do since I have a full time job (from 9am to 8pm) and my in-laws and husband were the ones who made me start working in the first place even though I had no intention of doing so. Also, I cook for my husband, clean after him and take care of him just as any good wife should do even though its not at all obligatory in Islam. Is it obligatory for me to fulfill my in-laws expectations of me despite the fact my husband is perfectly fine with how much time I give them and the small amount of cooking and cleaning that I do?
3. According to the shareea, is it obligatory for me to listen to my in-laws and do as they must do? I do it in any case at the moment just out of morality and politeness however I wish to know if it has and shareea based obligations to it?
4. Do my in-laws have any islamic right at all to limit me from visiting my parents over the weekend? (Even though my husband has absolutely no issue with it)
5. As I have mentioned already, I asked for a separate home and instead I am being forced to live in a joint family system, will this mean that with every passing day my husband and my in-laws are collecting more and more sins? If I wish to take back this request in order to stop them from sinning, must I make a formal announcement or is it alright if I simply accept in my heart that I forgive them and I am living here on my own will?
Please do help me out. Your answers and feedback could help me save my marriage. I am strongly against destroying the relationship between my husband and his parents, however if need arises, I will quote shareea and I will fight for my rights and my marriage.
Thanking you and awaiting your feedback.
Concerned Highly
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Assalam'alaikum sister
So this is another case of a jerky start. Has ur husband ever told u that he wants to end this relationship? If not then plz dont assume that it is coming to an end. Im sorry ur post was very long so i have just skimmed through hence if i have missed any detail as such then excuse me. The point is that they have no right to end a marriage even if they dont like u. u r a practicing muslim and their son's legally wedded wife. I dont know if 1 is bligated to Obey the in laws in islam. I at least havnt come across any fatwa like that if some1 else has then i would like to know. I think its got more to do with the indian mind set. The indian in laws love to bully their daughter in law and take that as their right, besides u have every right to c ur parents as and when u like. Its not only ur right but also ur duty.
Do u know sister, of all the evil and mischief that shaitan does his favourite one is to cause dischord between husband and wife. So now its for u to interpret what kind of in laws u have. If they r so determined to seperate the two of u, then the first thing they will do is to nag and nag and fight and malign so that the 2 of u should get fed up and call it quits. So my first advice to u is: do not get mad at each other when they provoke u coz the worst decisions r the impulsive decisions taken in the spur of a moment. Dont ask for divorce nor leave. I assume the 2 of u love each other and want this to work, ur husband is highly stressed because of the daily drama and thus spends a lot of time with his friends.
I dont understand how married ppl r supposed to behave. Should u have hearts flying around u or that u must go on a kissing spree in public. What do they mean that ppl r talking that u dont behave like a married couple? This is funny. I think ur parents in law r very immature and jealous. It is only wise for the 2 of u to politely leave their house as soon as possible but dont b the only one to walk out and assume that he will join u later. Stay together even if that means staying with them and taking their nonsense for a while. Im sorry but i dont think these ppl r religious or God fearing. A muslim is never so insecure and trusts only Allah for support. A pious old couple would never treat their adult children as their commodity and dictate their terms like this. Get a divorce? Get some sense!!
The 5 questions that u have asked r rhetorical coz their answers are obviously in negative.
May Allah give u the much deserving peace and fill ur lives with sweetness. Read Ya Wadood everyday and ask Allah to make ur love grow strong for eachother every single day. I dont know if ur family is religious but u must make an effort to encourage ur husband to pray as well. In sha Allah He will make it easy for u very soon. Its a test.
Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu
The wife has the right to live in separate accommodation with her husband and children, and not to share it with anyone, whether it is a father, a mother or a relative.
This is the view of most of the Hanafi, Shaafa’i and Hanbali fuqaha’. She also has the right to refuse to live with his father, mother and siblings.
Al-Kaasaani said in Badaa’i al-Sanaa’i (4/24): If the husband wants to make her live with her co-wife or in-laws, such as the husband’s mother or sister or daughter from another wife or his relatives, and she refuses to do so, then he has to accommodate her in a separate house, because they may annoy her or harm her if they live together, and her refusal is an indication that she is being bothered or harmed. And because he needs to be able to have intercourse with her or be intimate with her at any time, and that cannot be done if there is a third person living with them. End quote.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah favoured the view that if the husband is poor or unable to provide separate accommodation for his wife, she does not have the right to ask for something he is unable to give. This was narrated from him in Mataalib Ooli al-Nuha (5/122). Rather she should bear it with patience until Allaah gives him the means.
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
Maliki fiqh also agrees that the wife has a right to a separate domicile.
I came across this question in one website.
What is the shar’i ruling on a man divorcing his wife when his parents tell him to, on the grounds that this wife used to work for them as a servant in the past? Is this regarded as disobeying one’s parents? Please note that this wife currently lives an honourable life.
Praise be to Allaah.
Undoubtedly the parents are those who are most deserving of respect, obedience and kind treatment. Allaah mentions the command to treat parents well alongside the command to worship Him as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents”
[al-Isra’ 17:23]
Obedience to parents is obligatory on the child with regard to that which will benefit them and will not harm the child. With regard to that which does not bring them any benefits or which will cause harm to the child, he does not have to obey them in that case.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in al-Ikhtiyaaraat (p. 114): A person is obliged to obey his parents with regard to that which is not sinful, even if they are immoral evildoers… This has to do with that which is beneficial for them and not harmful to him. End quote.
Divorce with no acceptable reason is something that is hated by Allaah, because it destroys the blessings of marriage and exposes the family to destruction and the children to loss. It may also involve injustice towards the woman. The fact that the wife had been a servant in the past is not a legitimate reason for divorce, especially if she is religiously-committed and has a good attitude.
Based on this, he does not have to obey his parents and divorce his wife, and that is not regarded as being disobedient towards them. But the son should express his refusal to divorce her in a kind and gentle manner, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour
[al-Isra’ 17:23]
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about the ruling on a man divorcing his wife if his father tells him to do that. He said:
If the father tells his son to divorce his wife, one of the following two scenarios must apply:
1 – Where the father gives a legitimate reason why he should divorce her and separate from her, such as saying, Divorce your wife because her behaviour is suspicious, such as she flirts with men or goes out to gatherings that are not decent and so on. In this case the son should agree and divorce her, because he is not telling her to divorce her on the basis of a whim, rather that is to protect his son’s honour from being besmirched, so he should divorce her.
2 – Where the father tells his son to divorce his wife because the son loves her, but the father feels jealous of his son’s love for her and the mother is more jealous, because many mothers, when they see that their son loves his wife, feel very jealous, as if the son’s wife is a co-wife and rival. We ask Allaah to keep us safe and sound. In this case the son does not have to divorce his wife if his father or mother tells her to divorce her. Rather he should be tactful with them and keep his wife, and he should try to convince them with kind words until they are persuaded that she should stay with him, especially if the wife is religiously committed and has a good attitude.
Imam Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about this very issue. A man came and said: “My father is telling me to divorce my wife.” Imam Ahmad said to him: “Do not divorce her.” He said: “Didn’t the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) tell Ibn ‘Umar to divorce his wife when ‘Umar told him to do that?” He said: “Is your father like ‘Umar?”
If the father quotes evidence to his son and says, “O my son, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar to divorce his wife when his father ‘Umar told him to do that,” the response to that is: “Are you like ‘Umar?” But you should speak kindly and gently, and say that ‘Umar saw something which indicated that it was in his son’s interests to divorce his wife. This is the answer to this question which comes up frequently.
Al-Fataawa al-Jaami’ah li’l-Mar’ah al-Muslimah, 2/671.
The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked about a mother telling her son to divorce his wife for no reason or fault in her religious commitment, rather it was because of the mother’s personal reasons. They replied as follows:
If the situation is as described, that his wife is righteous and he loves her, and she is dear to him, and she does not behave badly towards his mother, and his mother only dislikes her for personal reasons, then he should keep his wife and stay married to her. He does not have to divorce her in obedience to his mother, because it was proven that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Obedience is only with regard to that which is right and proper.” Based on this, he should honour his mother and uphold ties of kinship with her by visiting her and spending on her, and paying attention to her needs and making her happy and pleasing her in whatever ways he can, apart from divorcing his wife.
Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 2/29.
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
Sister,
I have no advice for you , I am sorry.. but I admire your spirit and goodwill..
You are so strong and matured and a good muslimah..
I have seen my mom go through all of which you are going through now and I wished she had had your way of thinking, it would have eased all our lives.. Still Alhamdulillah we are happy now..
I will make dua for the betterment of your situation In Sha Allah.. 🙂
Be strong!! 🙂
Allah bless you!
Asalamalaikum sis
Yes i have understood you very well but according to ur in-laws for them it seems they maind less about what Islam says.you knowing that Islamicaly they do not av the powers to separate you from ur husband with out any reason among the reasons that make p'ple to divorce will not help you.what u should no first is that divorce is not some thing that one should have a joke with.in Islam when our husband tells you that i have divorced u is only enough and after then your marriage ceases to be.For what i think is that have extra sunna swallat and ask ALLAH to keep your marriage if ALLAH doesn't answer you immediatly just be patient take a divorce if your husband decides with his family .But you should also no that what ever happens happen with a reason so when that worst feeling comes to you after he action also know that may be ALLAH has a better way for you be patiant my sister in every thing and try to hundle these issues when you corme
1. Can my in-laws stop my husband from coming with me to Australia simply because they don't like the place, even though its ensuring better financial conditions and job opportunities for us?
Islamically, no, your in-laws have absolutely no right to stop your husband from going to Australia or any other place in the world, if that's what the man wants to do. Your husband is a man and he's therefore able to do whatever he wants without anyone's permission. However, if a man is weak and under his family's thumb and control, his family can easily manipulate him and say and do things that will make the man feel like he should not do certain things that his family doesn't want to, because he is afraid of losing them.
2. Can my in-laws make my husband divorce me, simply because we wish to go abroad or because according to them I did not fulfill their expectations namely spending more time with them, cooking and cleaning which I can not do since I have a full time job (from 9am to 8pm) and my in-laws and husband were the ones who made me start working in the first place even though I had no intention of doing so.
Same answer as above: Islamically, no,no one has the right to force divorce upon anyone. Forcing people to divorce is actually a huge sin - it's not Islamically acceptable to break up marriages that are in fact perfectly fine if the individuals married were left alone and had the chance to build their relationship by themselves. The purpose of divorce is to give individuals in a marriage (and no one else) to go separate ways if the marriage is really bad and inhumane. Not to be used as punisment and method of threatening and forcing people to do something they have every right not to do. Your in-laws do in fact have NO rights over you, whatsoever. Islamically speaking, you marry a man and that's the person you look after and take care of - not his entire family. That's called being a house maid, and that, you pay someone to do, you don't make your sons marry them.
3. According to the shareea, is it obligatory for me to listen to my in-laws and do as they must do? I do it in any case at the moment just out of morality and politeness however I wish to know if it has and shareea based obligations to it?
No, your in-laws have no rights over you, Islamically speaking. They're not your spouse and they're not your parents. You just need to respect them and be a nice addition to their family - but that does not mean that you must cook for them, clean for them, make money for them, live under their roof, let them have rights over you, make decisions for you and so on. If they want, they can give you advice if they don't agree with you on things, but they can't tell you what to do and not to do, or make any demands on you.
4. Do my in-laws have any islamic right at all to limit me from visiting my parents over the weekend? (Even though my husband has absolutely no issue with it)
Absolutely not. As mentioned, your in-laws have no rights over you, just your husband.
5. As I have mentioned already, I asked for a separate home and instead I am being forced to live in a joint family system, will this mean that with every passing day my husband and my in-laws are collecting more and more sins?
I don't know for sure, but I would say yes, because they're denying you one of your rights and denying a Muslim his or her rights does not sound, at all, like something that is halal in any way. Allah does not like oppressors.
If I wish to take back this request in order to stop them from sinning, must I make a formal announcement or is it alright if I simply accept in my heart that I forgive them and I am living here on my own will?
Well, if you really want to have your own home and want to be rid of all the problems living with your in-laws are causing, I don't understand how you can go from that to being someone who is perfectlt alright with living with in-laws that are controling and who create tensions. You can't just tell yourself that you will be okay with this, but in your heart you're not alright with it at all. If you were or could be alright with all of this drama then you probably wouldn't have written to us and asked for advice, but already ust forced yourself to tolerate all the never-ending problems.
It sounds to me like both you and your husband are way too submissive to his parents and easily accept your islamic rights being stolen from you. You sound like you don't value yourself since you allow yourself to be anyone's house maid - your someone's wife, not his entire family's au pair! If they need someone to cook and clean for them on a daily basis, then they need to hire a professional to take care of that, not degrade their daughter-in-laws in to house servants. Be a woman and stand up for yourself! Don't be so afraid of them! If they force your husband to divorce you, and your husband actually does give you a divorce, then that's fine, o woman needs such a weakling and coward for a husband.
It's very convenient that your husband is out all day and occupy himself with his friends while letting you take all the crap from his family. What kind of man seriously does that? He needs to man up, realize he's a husband with a woman to protect and look after and tell his family that they need to back off from your marriage.
@Adina Mohammadi - YOUR answer to her first question "Islamically, no,"
Can you please give me some references from Quran / Sahih Hadees / fatwas of scholars ?
Sure.
Even though I'm not salafi myself, here you go:
http://islamqa.info/en/ref/6388
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Islam QA is a Muslim site and Alhamdulilah has been a great source of benefit. There is not need to use these sectarian labels.
Salam brothers and sisters
An interesting read which might help people understand and adjust when faced with difficult parents (or parents in law), is a website I came across: http://www.lightshouse.org, which says that it is "A Site For Adult Children of Difficult & Toxic Parents". Just remember to read it with the Islamic perspective in mind on how to treat and speak to your parents. The "difficult and toxic parents" are certainly Allah's test to some children and the site helps such children analyze and understand weird parental characters and deal with them.
I'm passing this info as there are so many problems here that are related with difficult parents or parents in law.
Sister,
As someone who has spent the last 13 years knowing a woman in a marriage such as yours, I would like to offer you my humble opinion on your situation.
My close friends marriage was a very difficult one. Her mother in law treated her with contempt from the beginning. My friends marriage was an arranged marriage and throughout the years her mother in law gave her absolutely no respect and did everything in her power to cause rifts between my friend and her husband. The son would never stand his ground on anything thus allowing his mother to make their marriage a living hell. He would let his mother disrespect her, talk down to her and so much more. Never did he make a stand for his wife...it was really a terrible situation for my friend.
Three years ago, my friends husband would be diagnosed with cancer. He fought so hard to live but he did not make it...he died weeks ago. It would not be until he knew that he would not live to see another year that he would really open up and talk with his wife. His wife knew that he had been married before however, on his deathbed he would reveal how much he really loved his first wife. His mother had been the cause of the failure of his first marriage due to her mistreatment of his wife. It seems his mother has made many enemies during her lifetime. Her own brothers have nothing to do with her because she also disrespects their wives as well. Her actions are totally against Islam yet she just doesn't seem to care. What she does care about is her wealth and her real estate...nothing of which she will take to her grave.
My friend suffered for 14 years in a marriage that was constantly manipulated by her mother in law. I saw my friend break down and cry in front of me from the pain of it all...it killed me inside to see how she suffered. Today is the 40th day of the Iddat period and a large dinner is being held at the mother in laws house. The mother in law has asked many family members to the dinner however the wife...sits home alone with her children...uninvited.
Sister...this I say to you; Sit down with your husband and let him know how very much you care for him and want to share a life with him. Let him know that you can not and will not live this way any longer. Let him know that you admire how very much he loves his parents however, you are no ones door mat and you refuse to be disrespected any longer. Let him know that you are a good Muslim woman and you deserve better.
His mother is manipulative and is overstepping her bounds as a woman and as a mother. She should be ashamed for her actions but someone like her has no shame...none. I watched my friend suffer for so long and even now, after her husbands death we talk about it. She has a lot of pain inside for what she has gone through. I have told her to forgive her husband even though she will never forget what he and his mother put her through.
As someone who has seen first hand this type of marriage, I think you really need to think about yourself, your health and well being. What is going on in your marriage will not stop...ever. A woman like this enjoys making the lives of others hell. I pray that you will stand strong for yourself...something my friend was unable to do until the end. My heart really goes out to you because I do know what you are going through and it is a horrible thing. I do hope you have your family close by for support. No woman deserves to live this way and you really need to put yourself first right now and ask yourself just how much more you are willing to sacrifice. Marriage is supposed to be a time of happiness and dreams of building a future together...not strife brought on by a mother who has no respect for herself, let alone others.
Salam
The real issue is with your husband and not with your inlaws at all. he has to man up and you need to value yourself and not just the relationship. You cannot save a relationship in which you have no respect. So some ground rules need to be established. I would suggest going to an imam. If that doesn't happen, can you afford to bring children into such a relationship??
Your inlaws are COMPLETELY out of line to say the least and I think your husband has allowed it to go on for way too long.