How do I stop seeing and being intimate with him?
Assalam O Alaikum,
I converted to Islam some years ago. I traveled Abroad. I use to be a devout Muslim, praying 5 times a day and eating correctly. I met this Moroccan Man whom I have fallen deeply inlove with. When we first met he asked me straight off to marry him but we encountered problems and broke up more than a year ago. We had been a couple not correct for 4 months the first time. Almost a year ago he came back to me begging to marry me. I accepted but I couldnt keep my hands off of him and he was the same, kept saying he couldn't wait till marriage. Now he has decided he doesn't, no can't marry me; he made up countless excuses.
I don't know how to stop myself. Everytime I see him we have to be physical and I try so hard not to. I want to marry him but now he won't but don't understand why he won't as he keeps avoiding the question. However, I see trouble ahead as another Muslim Man has appeared to be interested in me and I sincerely believe that he follows the faith correctly and he would marry me. My questions are;
1- How do I stop from seeing and being intimate with my ex?
2- How do I end it with my ex when he keeps coming back to me and he is very jealous? I am afraid that he will become violent.
3- How do I handle this situation? I know my ex will never marry me but the new man would. He seems to follow the faith correctly.
Unlucky in Love.
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Salaams,
I will answer your questions as you listed them.
1. The success of the first includes the success of the second. If you stop seeing your ex, then obviously you won't be able to have any intimacy with him. How to stop seeing him? Have no further contact of any sort (phone, email, text, online etc) with him. If you cut all ties, then all that's left is for him to spontaneously show up in person, which is less likely since he lives in another country. If he did happen to track you down just to see you or ask why you have stopped responding, you will then have the option of physically walking away from him.
2. Like I said, you have to cut all contact with him. Change your phone number, change your email, and close the old accounts. Don't give him your new contact info and don't answer any inquiries from him that may have slipped through the cracks. You have to treat this like a drug addiction, and quit cold turkey without looking back. If you truly fear for your safety, it is that much more important. If he begins to try to break through your wall by stalking or harrassing you, press charges.
3. If I were you I would marry the new man. Not only does he sound like a better match for you spiritually, he will serve as a deterrent if your ex starts to hassle you.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Stop seeing this guy full stop.
Don't call him, don't answer his phone. Change your number if you have to.
You say "Everytime I see him we have to be physical and I try so hard not to". Is he forcing himself on you?
He has no right to you. If he is already displaying signs of being jealous and violent then he is'n't the guy for you even if he did want to marry you.
Make taubah for you past sins. And move foward with your life and with this new man if possible.
I think that one aspect being overlooked is that the sister may not be aware that she may be taking her lust of physical intimacy over the need for the emotional, psychological and more rewarding intimacy that she should have in marriage. Why? Simply, because it is quicker and easier to achieve pleasure in that way while forgetting that it is temporary. It's a shortcut, so to speak, but surely it's trials, guilt and problems are evident.
It should be known that there are certain people who we do come across in our lives, though rarely, who pull us towards them in all the physical aspects of mutual attraction. Often, it is accompanied by a strong sexual urge to satisfy one's self in this manner. This is not necessarily bad, if a proper marriage and relationship occur upon this realization before haram physical practices take place. Yet, if you take the forbidden route, you will incur all the problems that you are having to deal with right now.
It is important that you settle this dilemma within yourself, before trying to find marriage with another partner. You need to conquer your physical attraction to this man or your new potential marriage may suffer. There is the danger that if you do not, you may have an affair with the man from Morocco if given the chance, because essentially, you have not shunned this sin in the proper way. I urge you to please examine your motives before moving on and involving another person who does not know about these issues.
The man from Morocco that you describe may be becoming violent because he does not understand his sexuality and sees you only as an outlet for his urges. His sees you as an easy target and has objectified you by turning you into a mere tool of his sexual pleasure. You need to understand that he does not want to marry you because he sees you as a place where he fulfills his lust and he ties you into this sin. His jealousy is just a way to control you, ensuring that he has an avenue to fulfill himself. If one day he ever realizes and repents for this, you will never hear from him again. In fact, I would suspect that whether you turn him away or you turn him away, he would verbally abuse you. He would do this to make himself feel better, I suspect.
Yet, do not feel ashamed of your sexuality, however you must channel it through a healthy marriage. You need to think of all the benefits of expressing it properly with a husband. Think that if you did this, how much gratitude you could express to Allah (swt)! You must be able to understand your sexuality and temper it's flames beforehand. You must further understand that God says that experiencing intimacy with your halal partner is a form of worship. However, intimacy outside of marriage is sinful and carries a great amount of misfortune and the loss of bliss in the hereafter. It's imperative that you decide to make the better choice.
Understand that Allah (swt) is putting before you not one test but a series of tests in which you must overcome the primordial urge inside of you. God knows that you are ready for marriage, but Shaytan has lured you with temptation. It is clear that you are struggling with this problem, but before you can engage with marriage, you need to understand that you need to rebuild you intention and attention to Allah (swt). He has seen your difficulty and has provided a potential marriage partner. But you must make sure that you know how to have and build that proper relationship, as well.
This advice should lead you to answering the most vital questions about yourself and about the course of actions to take.
Dear Sister,
You have to start controlling yourself 1st..
secondly, think of your future then decide how you wan it to be and with whom you wana spend it with..
Thirdly, dont have second thoughts once you have decided just move on with your life..
we can only advice you, you have to take moves to construct your future..
One piece of advice : DO NOT THINK PRACTICAL!! THINK ISLAM!!
Dont fall rey to sahaytan whose been possessing you for so long..
Allah Bless you!!
P.S-
all kinds of love any person feels is "DEEP" just like you said.. you would only feel it has a shallow base when your partner starts doing stuff you cant accept..
dont be fooled by your feelings for him , like I said THINK ISLAM.. you'll find your path..
Wassalam..
Dear Sister,
Please see the following link: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/
There are three parts to this post, part two has a section titled: 'The million dollar question: How can we prevent ourselves from giving into our base desires?' But I recommend you read the whole thing.
Insha'Allah this will help you to realise the enormity of your sin and will also help you to stop indulging in this sin.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
AA;
This is a man who just want to sleep with you and not marry you!!! And to be honest with you, it seems like you are as bad as he is with this since you still sleep with him and you know he is not marrying you! I think you should regard yourself in a MUCH higher place than to do such thing!
- As mentioned by another sister, is he forcing him self on you? He has no right to!!!
- You need to stop seeing him. You just have to.
- What do you mean he is "jealous" ? What right does he have to be "jealous" ?
- You have a great chance to clean up your act, your life, and be a good Muslimah inshallah. Don't miss it up. Clear your intention with Allah, and see if it will work with this other guy.
- I hope when you are saying the other man is approaching you, you mean in an Islamic way, and nto liek the other guy.
If I am correct, it is from Allah. If I err, it is from me and I pray Allah forgives me.
AA
Just a Man
Salam
I know I'm abit late on this post but I can relate to what you are going through
Do not keep contact any connections with your ex
If he has made it clear and u know he won't marry you don't be fooled by going back to him for a quick buzz!!! Because that's all it is a buzz in the end your left alone ...
Give your time to someone who can love you purely and for the right reasons and who will take you as a wife
He's only coming back to you coz u will give in trust me I was the same ... In the end he got married once he found someone right to marry! Instead think of your own self respect and you can go without him don't leave it too late so you fall!!! Cut all connections won't be easy be firm on yourself