Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband lacks intimacy which makes me angry and I wish for death

tree lonelyi m in high depression reason is that we r trying for child since 3 yrs but not succeed yet.

secondly my hushband sleep without making love with me, neither he could not satisfy me. although he is very caring but he lack in this relation.

i dont want frm him to have sexual relation daily, but at least he can hugs me, i feel lonely all alone my self, wat should i do in this situation.

i live in sad mood all the time want to die so that my problem will end with me.

neither i dont want to tell this situation to my parents that i m not spending happy married life sometimes i get angry on my hushband..

i m mentally distrubed.

plz give suggestions..

- sweety

 

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41 Responses »

  1. Sister, you need to have patience and please do not think about death as life is precious and suicide is not a solution. I was in your situation before with my husband but what I did was to sit him down in the right time and had a chat with him. I told him how I felt ...lonely and unloved. He listened to me and promiced me that he will from now try his best to keep me happy in that matter. I think maybe you should try this. Men don't always pick up the signals you are sending so you need to be clear and to the point with them. He's probably tired if he works and goes to sleep when coming to bed... Just have trust in ALLAH and pray. Maybe try doing things that your husband enjoys doing...try dressing up for him.

    & may ALLAH give you a beautiful child (Ameen) Just have Patience and compelte trust in ALLAH. There is always light at the end of the tunnel 🙂

    Be happy and read the Quran.. you'll gain peace! 🙂

  2. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    PL READ THIS LIFE IS NOT OURS AND WE ARE NOT THE OWNERS OF IT- AND DO DESTRCUTION BECAUSE IT IS A TRUST WITH US-
    http://www.missionislam.com/health/suicidenotescape.htm
    Allah's Messenger (pbuh) said: "In the sexual act of each of you there is a sadaqa."The Companions replied: "O Messenger of Allah! When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?" And he said, "Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded." (Muslim)
    "Of His signs is this: that He created for you spouses that you might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy." (Quran, 30:21)
    http://www.zawaj.com/articles/sex_sadaqa.html

    Explain to your husband in a kind and gentle manner, that prosperity in this world and the hereafter lies in following the example of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace).

    ISLAM-. It is a practical religion where one may fulfil his/her needs in a permissible way.
    The husband should sexually arouse his wife before having sex. It is indeed selfish on the husband’s part that he fulfils his sexual needs and desires, whilst his wife remains unsatisfied and discontented. Failure in satisfying the wife can have terrible consequences on one’s marriage.

    It should be remembered that, just as Islam has given the husband his right of sexual intimacy, and extreme emphasis has been laid upon the wife to obey her husband in his request for sexual intimacy, at the same time, Islam also recognizes a woman’s need for love, affection and foreplay. It is quite common in men to demand their sexual rights, but they should also see whether they are giving their women their rights in bed.

    “Foreplay and passionate kissing before sexual intercourse is an emphatic Sunnah (sunnah muakkada)
    Kissing one’s spouse is also of utmost importance during foreplay and also in general. It is a Sunnah of our blessed Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace).

    Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would kiss one of his wives and then leave for prayer (salat) without performing ablution (wudu). Urwa says that I asked A’isha: “It must have been you?” (Upon hearing this) A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) smiled.”(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, no. 86, Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 181 & Sunan al-Nasa’i, no. 170))

    Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) says: “The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would kiss me before leaving for prayers, and he would not perform an ablution.” (Sunan al-Darqutni, 1/49 and others)
    The above two narrations indicate the recommendation of kissing one’s spouse. They also show the importance of greeting the wife when entering the house with a kiss and departing with a kiss.
    This was the Sunnah of the beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace). Thus, it is inappropriate for husbands to leave the home in a hurry without even greeting the wife in a proper manner with hugs and kisses, and then entering the house with the first question on whether the food is cooked or not, or whether had someone called, etc…
    http://www.zawaj.com/straight_talk.html

  3. assalam'alaikum
    ur problem is not really a rare type. i know some1 who complained that her husband isnt intimate at all and she is technically still a virgin after a month of marriage, and i thought that was too much. she said her husband lacked the will to even try hard enough to break the hymen and never kissed. All though i was just 22 myself however since i was married for much longer i told her that she needs to work a.little to spice up their relationship herself but she said '' y should i try? thats his job. dont i have my self respect?''. i hope u dont think like this. just buy urself a copy of cosmopolitan or whatever is available that can give u naughty tips and good luck. we just expect too much from men sometimes when we generalise them all as super horny by nature but the truth is that some men actually have a low sex drive. try to talk to him. its possible he is shy.
    And for God's sake dont think of suicide!

    • we just expect too much from men sometimes when we generalise them all as super horny by nature but the truth is that some men actually have a low sex drive. try to talk to him. its possible he is shy.
      And for God's sake dont think of suicide!

      I am glad that a female pointed out this. The myth that all man are horny all the time is very popular.
      And by the way,why are shying away from your husband.Why not take the lead ?

    • Assalaamualaikam

      I would suggest people avoid such magazines - they tend to be filled with un-Islamic subject matter and in some cases actually endorse haraam activities such as fornication.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • it all depends upon how we see it. if u use it as manual or a guide to a happy marriage then u r doomed for sure coz such magazines are designed for a hedonist society. the community that directly associates sexual pleasure with all happiness in life. we have to use our common sense of haram and halal. the same common sense with which we use internet or lets b more specific , our facebook account or even television, plus say for eg if it says do such and such act with ur boyfriend, it certainly doesnt mean that now u should dump ur husband and find a boyfriend. similarly if u r unmarried then u should know that it is haram for u to read such stuff anyway.
        firstly i apologise to any1 who thinks im endorsing any particular magazine here or promoting an idea of depending on any haram source. its not a porn material, besides its ur intention that makes it halal or haram. if ur intention is to spice up ur relationship with ur halal husband in a halal way then u shouldnt feel guilty of course.
        what one needs to understand is that this world is full of different people who would take a different route towards the same goal and those routes can b perfectly halal. just a matter of personal preference.

        i see 2 different kinds of muslim women. there is one who will weep while her husband snores and yet that one who will make all the right moves to wake him up..

        • I read recently that a Jewish rabbi has written a sexual guide for orthodox Jews, instructing newly married couples on sex. Orthodox Jews have gender separation similar to strict Muslims, and often don't know anything about the opposite sex when they get married. The book starts out with the most basic information, and explains what is and is not permissible, and how to please one's partner. There are only a few diagrams and they are simple line drawings, showing no features. The book is distributed to rabbis to give to married couples. I think this is a great idea. Someone should write such a manual for Muslim couples.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • absolutely!
            i was just going to say that but this subject is treated like its just haram so shhhh dont discuss it. besides we also have some very extra ordinary expectations from our spouses. it would b nicer if we talked more like this '' ask not what your spouse can do for u, ask what you can do for ur spouse''.

            the op's case could b more serious. so this new JFK speech is not for her.

        • I think the Muslims should keep themselves protected against the products of immodesty. A Muslim is taught Hayaa' and it is a part of Imaan, the technique of romance come naturally, or maybe learnt from sources free from immodesty. You never know when a person reading such magazines takes a thing that is wrong and is unaware. Reading the life of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and his wives Radiyallahu Anhunna, and his Sahaabah Radiyallahu Anhum will be much more beneficial, in sha Allah.

          Abu Abdul Bari
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • assalam'alaikum
            im sorry brother that i gave u the impression that im being shameless here. trust me its only haya that is preventing me from explaining my point in the words best known to me. im conscious of the fact that my brothers r reading my comments and hence i obviously cannot explain the contents of the magazines or even hint at some important points. But still i'll give my last shot.

            Brother both men and women have different needs. a woman by nature feels the need to b appreciated and accepted by her husband. if the husband shows disinterest then she naturally takes all the blame on herself because the whole world made her believe that. she feels unappreciated, rejected, inadequate even ugly and dirty. just read the comments made by brother mohd. its a proof. whether its valid or not is an excellent topic of debate. the media has already oversexualized everything around us. there is fitna of sleazy women who can easily get in contact with men of any age or status anywhere, especially through internet. this puts an additional responsibilty on the wife to ensure that the husband remains interested in her throughout her married life.

            just like men have objectified women women have also set some very high expectations from men. some men are expressive, so ''lets sit down and talk'' line works with them but most men dont like to talk about their physical inabilities, phychological problems or their shy nature. so say if a newly married husband is a shy man by nature and feels a bit intimidated by his wife's sexuality then who should open him up? who should take the reponsibility to relax him and make him understand that his performance is not being judged or that this is not brain surgery so learn to enjoy take it easy? u said romance is natural. im sorry brother but only a few things can occur to one naturally and personally for me sex education b4 my marriage was.just one little booklet i got from school. which was just like a little science book on sex. so others r either learnt through experience or other sources. it could b a married friend who is open to such discussions or a material like a book for adults who would like know more on the subject.. so they can make it more enjoyable. now i get it that the word magazine has created all this controversy. some people are scandalized that i mentioned a magazine coz all we know is that magazines r haram nude matter. Again to add to that mens' magazines r very different from womens' magazines. where as for them its more graphic.with nude pictures of women, which is very haram in deed but for women its not about naked men. its about 'tips to make herself a temptress'. its about little games to play, garments to wear, things to say, other moves.excuse me.

            whether it is haram or halal as i said depends on her intention. whether there r chances of her picking something haram from there? it again depends on her
            common sense. if she lacks it then she will pick from anywhere. is there another
            halal way to spice up a marriage? i dont know of any dua that can turn a man on otherwise, if any1 knows of such ways plz let us know.

            just quoting hadeeth to a disintersted man that ' sex is sadqa' and he should do it for God's sake may not work in my opinion.

          • Sister Apple Green,

            I do see your point. On the other hand, more information isn't always a solution. Even though, in the world we live in today, at a click of a button you can find all sorts of information, people aren't necessarily processing it with a critical mind as they should.

            Sometimes magazines and such materials desensitize our emotions and in a way try to tell HOW we should feel (the western ones anyhow). It almost becomes like an obsession about ourselves, rather than about a single unit made of two loving individuals. Somehow, married ppl have stopped communicating properly. First we have to talk to our sons, our daughters about attaining a blissful, fulfilling, Islamic relationship. Allah says husband and wife are clothing to one another - sex is sadaqa in a marriage - I don't see how these things can't impact a married couple IF they fear Allah.

            As for a man or a woman in the situation as the OP described, I really honestly do not believe a magazine is going to help. They need to learn to communicate and discuss their raw feelings. Other material about what to do in their intimate relations isn't really the problem. I do not think he is bored - I do believe something else is at the root of the problem and sometimes when men do not know HOW to fix the problem, they ignore it especially when it comes to their wife's sexuality.

            A magazine might cause problems. I can just foresee some couple reading it and then a fight occurring because one thinks the other is becoming corrupted. It would be better to sit and talk about needs, wants, desires with their spouse. If things are so bad that suicide is becoming an option, sitting and talking doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

            I also think that when we read about the life of Prophet Muhammad pbuh and how he treated his wife, the subtleness of how he would kiss his wives after performing ablution is very significant. That information will be far more important than any other. Before any person can have physical satisfaction in a marriage, they first have to feel completed and mentally satisfied in their marriage. I do believe that Prophet Muhammad's (pbuh) interactions (full of kindness, humour and gentleness) with his wives depict how to reach the soul, how to make one feel loved and appreciated. Those small things make a BIG difference.

          • I actually know a dars in Urdu which addresses this issue. It is called: Biwi ka Halal Jadoo (Halal Magic of the Wife). Sisters who understand Urdu can watch here:

            1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVcm5Ci-0vc&feature=youtube_gdata_player
            2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkaEILm58Vg&feature=youtube_gdata_player
            3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTkCjJtZDnk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

            I also came across some books some time ago:

            1. The Muslim woman and her husband: http://d1.islamhouse.com/data/en/ih_books/single2/en_The_Muslim_Woman_and_Her_Husband.pdf
            2. How to win the heart of your husband: http://www.kalamullah.com/Books/Winning%20The%20Heart.pdf

            Abu Abdul Bari
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • There is a program/series called 'Like a Garment' which discusses marital intimacy and how to approach it, make it enjoyable etc from an Islamic perspective. I don't know much about it but I have heard that they offer to the point advice and tips without being vulgar, so something like this could be a good option.

        There are things out there though, finally the Islamic community are starting to open up to family issues a bit more. Alhumdulilah

        Sara
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    I would imagine that you may have tried to get his attention one way or another. Sometimes women try to attract their husbands by being in a bad mood or possibly whining or nagging. Sometimes women try to attract their husbands by overcompensating and treating them really nicely. I guess you have to ask yourself what is going to work for you and him. I would suggest that if you said "All you do is ignore me and do not show me love." then this will not get you far. Instead you might try "It makes me feel good when you show me love by hugging me and cuddling me." By telling him what makes you feel better will probably get you better results.

    I personally do not think you need a magazine. I think you need to take your focus off of having a child and focus on him. You perhaps need to learn to "stop time" when in each other's presence by showing and giving love to one another. I think he doesn't realize how he is making you feel and he is not doing it intentionally. Sometimes men do not understand what women want or need. Women also don't understand men always either. It could be that you are communicating one way and him another.

    You need to take a more direct approach in talking with your husband and instead of telling him what makes you feel bad, tell him what you want because it makes you feel good. Do not forget to mention to him that it makes you feel good because he is the reason for it.

    Good luck to you. InshaAllah, your sorrows and depressive thoughts will diminish. Read Quran and recite du'as all the time especially asking Allah to protect you from shaitaan's whispers. I pray that you have a successful marriage full of love. Ameen.

  5. assalamalaikum
    AS THE HADEESES ARE VERY FRANK IN THE MATTER OF SEX -I TAKE THE PRIVILAGE TO QUOTE SOME POINTS SO THAT THIS WILL BE GOOD ADVICE FOR OTHERS ALSO-

    IF YOU DONT MIND PLEASE STOP YR THINKING ON DYING AND CONCENTRATE ON LIVING SUBJECTS THINGS LIKE THESE GIVEN BELOW-
    Men love sex. And there's nothing wrong with that. Many women also love sex, although few of them quite as much as we do. If, however, you learn how to touch your man in ways YOU have ever touched him before, your chances of getting more sex from him will increase tenfold.......
    That said, here are MANY WAYS AND MEANS TO LURE HIM- Not only will you arouse HIM IMENSLY
    BUT HE WILL RETHINK ABOUT HIS IGNORANCE HE WAS DOING-WITH YOU

    IF HE GOES AWAY FROM YOU -YOU DONT GO AWAY THIS WILL END THE MATTER DONT-HESITATE-TO APPROACH HIM DONT TURN AND GO TO SLEEP OR CRY-
    TRY WITH THIS TECHNIQUE-
    1- EARS- GO DIRECTLY AND SAY YOUR REQUIREMENT IN HIS EARS-
    2-Behind the neck YOU CAN RUN YOUR HANDS WHILE REQUEST HIM TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND-
    3-Scalp-put your hands on the back of head and massage HIS scalp for a minute.-

    THERE ARE MANY WAYS FOR US TO SEE THAT WE MAKE REQUESTS WHICH WILL MAKE HIM COME FORWARD BECAUSE THIS TYPE OF PERSON NEEDS SOME APPROACH AS THERE IS HADEES FOR THE WOMEN TO BE DECORATED WHEN HUSBANDS COME HOME SO THAT THEY FORGET ALL THEIR OUT DOOR TENSIONS AND GET RELIEF THROUGH THE ALLAH MADE SEXUAL SYSTEM FOR SATISFACTION AND PEACE OF MIND AND RELAXATION WHICH MAKES A HOME BEAUTIFUL PLACE TO LIVE-

    One of the ways to ease tension in a marriage is to consciously recall REMIND HIM the romantic and positive memories of the spouse. Often, looking at the positive qualities in your spouse will help to put things in perspective. When the focus IS ALWAYS THERE IN YOU TO KINDLE A FLAME IT WILL WORK WONDERS-
    It is important to know that people sometimes act on negative thoughts and emotions because they are not feeling loved. Sometimes showing love has a transforming effect.
    Face the reality that you are not married a perfect person. You do not have to change the person to somebody you want. Accepting each other’s flaws and shortcomings is one challenge in marriage
    Even if you are angry, have the habit not to insult or curse your partner. It is normal to get angry or throw your temper at times, your partner may understand that, but if you add it with harsh words, it may stay and create a gap in the future.
    Spend time with your partner.
    Not because you are living under the same roof you would think there is no need to go out with your partner and have a good time together. -
    Maintaining that friendship with your spouse is one key to keep your bond tighter. Lack of time for each other can be the start of a dwindling relationship.
    These are just some of the keys to a happy marriage. If you learn to understand your spouse in every way, indeed you will find true happiness in marriage.

  6. adding to the steps given by ali yusuff, the wife should first take her bath, make herself look neat, goegous, and attractive with sweet scent in her body.., also she should make the house look neat with sweet scents all over.

    she should also make herself look sexy by dressing in a sexy way (if you grasp what i mean).

    she should try to seduce him in every way possible.

    men are sexual by nature and EVERY man likes to have sex with attractive women.

    if your husband refuse sex with you, then your are the cause of it. you make yourself look unattracted to him, you dont entice him, you dont seduce him.. and for that reason, you look boring to him, and he feels unattracted to you (because you made yourself so)

    as i said, EVERY man like having sex, because there is pleasure in having sex with sexy and attractive women.

    but not all men like having sex with unattractive women, because atimes its boring and no pleasure derived..

    ones again, all potential men are sexual by nature, so make your self look sexy and attractive, and then seduce him.

    Mohd

    • You wrote:

      "if your husband refuse sex with you, then your are the cause of it. you make yourself look unattracted to him, you dont entice him, you dont seduce him.. and for that reason, you look boring to him, and he feels unattracted to you (because you made yourself so)"

      So does this mean if a wife does not have sex with her husband, he is the cause of it? (no.) From your comment, you make men sound very superficial.

      There is more to intimate relations between a husband and a wife that she should be desperate to seduce him. Both should be keen on making each other happy. A husband is responsible for giving his wife her sexual rights as she is responsible to him. As Br. Ali already mentioned,

      Allah's Messenger (pbuh) said: "In the sexual act of each of you there is a sadaqa."The Companions replied: "O Messenger of Allah! When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?" And he said, "Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded." (Muslim)--so it not only a duty to one's spouse, but also an act of kindness, subhanAllah.

      If you were to talk to some very beautiful, well-kept, non-boring wives, as you put it, you would still find women saying that their husbands do not pay attention to them, or do not satisfy them. Intimacy is more complicated than that! Of course, BOTH husband and wife should shower and make themselves presentable.

      With respect to how to treat women in case of a divorce Allah says in the Quran:

      “Let the women live (in 'iddat*) in the same style as ye live, according to your means: Annoy them not, so as to restrict them. And if they carry (life in their wombs), then spend (your substance) on them until they deliver their burden: and if they suckle your (offspring), give them their recompense: and take mutual counsel together, according to what is just and reasonable. And if ye find yourselves in difficulties, let another woman suckle (the child) on the (father's) behalf.” (65:6)

      These are the rules set by Allah during a very difficult time when a marriage is breaking down--Imagine how a husband and wife should be to each other when there is no divorce? Simply saying it is her fault if he is not sexually inclined to her, is a bit harsh and judgmental. Even after she does make herself look good and seduces him, doesn't mean he can satisfy her. He also needs to understand her needs as well. Marriage is not one-way traffic.

      • saba, i think you actually misunderstood me. am not trying to make men superficial,

        what am trying to say is the wife have what it takes to make the husband succumb to her sexual desires.

        let the wife make him exprrience new things in bed.

        kissings, foreplays, romantic touchs, hot romance in bed, sexy and romantic words etc, will make him get arouse without a second thought. and it will be an experience that he will never want to miss again.

        she's a woman, she has what it take to make him even beg her for more sex, and sexual moments, if she knows how to use it wisely.

        as i said earlier, ALL MEN like having sex, because of the pleasures in it, and also because they are sexual by nature.

        now, because of how some wives present themselves, it might be boring having sex with some women, because the husband is not sexually attracted to her (though she choose it to be so)

        so let the wife exploit the gift given to her as a woman, by Allah. and let her make her husband come and beg for sex, and sexual moments and experiences.

        • Mohd,

          I think you were understood perfectly.

          Don't you think the sister has tried this if she is on the verge of suicide!. This is the first thing any wife will try if she wants to be intimate with the husband.

          However I do not agree with your comments. A women should not have to resort to being a porn star to lure her husband to intimacy!

          A muslim women never speaks to men, observes hijaab head to toe and doesn't watch anything indecent even romantic films, observes modesty and haya, and then suddenly after marriage she has to become a seductress! how does that happen?! how is that possible that she would know much about sex if she has never even spoken to a man before marriage?

          I can understand non muslim men women would be more experience in this situation as they had many partners and are non virgin and watch indecent material on tv material etc etc. But there is no way for a muslim women to know all the different ways of marital relations when she does not watch dirty fims?

          If men are so sexual then they should be the ones to make the first moves and express their desires to women.They can ask their wife what they want. Allah gave us mouth to speak. The husbands need to use it! Women are not sphicics. We are not mind readers.

          Lots of man sit on the sofa with a fat belly and stinking like fish and they expect the women to be dressed attractive 24/7!

          It works both ways women want attractive men too.!

        • Assalam alaikum Brother,

          With all due respect, I did understand you fully. I do believe that you are either not married or extremely lucky with your wife that you seem to not understand this point. 🙂

          Brother, it is highly offensive when you blame the lack of intimacy solely on the wife. Nor should a wife blame her husband solely, either.

          Suppose for a moment I take your words for being true and real, do you suppose that wife would NOT WANT to dress herself up for her husband because he doesn't make her feel beautiful and wanted? I think it is a spiral effect and finding blame is useless. Husband doesn't compliment or use sweet words with his wife, result: wife doesn't beautify herself. OR wife doesn't beautify herself, result: husband doesn't compliment her and desire her. The blame game will get us no where.

          Again, I reiterate, marriage is not a one-way street. I might be old-fashioned, but I would say husbands are going to have to take the lead on intimacy because women, by nature, are shy. Even when women desire something, they do not disclose it, necessarily, because there is something that makes them stop--in how they are designed by Allah swt. Maybe if a couple have been together for a long long time, or they just hit it off, it could happen, but it isn't going to happen all the time.

          As sister Sumaira mentioned, women in Islam are taught to do hijaab, not talk to men, and then suddenly what are they supposed to do with their husband? Even if a woman was very bold with her husband, I can see some men thinking all sorts of wrong things about their wife and why she isn't MORE shy.

          There is more depth to this issue than simply dressing up. There are many women out there who would be classified as "not beautiful" (I mean no offence to anyone) and yet their husbands are madly in love with them because of their Imaan, character, and fear of Allah (in that they want to be maintainers and protectors).

          Male or female, everyone wants to be with someone who is going to shower and takes care of themself. Everyone wants to be with someone they are attracted to. Everyone wants to have a successful marriage with wonderful intimacy. Everyone wants to feel desired, wanted and loved. These things are not limited to any gender.

          WS

          • well, there is no point argueing on this issue, so i rest my case

          • i really understand you. and you made a good point when you said a muslim wife that observes hijaab etc do not have the sexual experiences to seduce her husband.

            and i know muslim women are tought haya, but surely this doesnt make her to be shy of her husband?

            even if the wife is the introvert and the docile type of person, that would not make her to be shy or not been expressive to her husband (?).

            but as i said sister, i really understand the good point you nd sister saba made..

        • Not all men do I am extremely active and my husband says no and if we fix a day it has to be that day and sometimes not even that day he has an excuse we've only been married for seven months

  7. Assalamualaikum

    A lot has been said already. I would like to recommend that you at least watch the lecture by Shaikh Yasir Qadhi on "What Women should know about men". It is a part of his Like a Garment program and this particular topic is a 40 minute lecture split in 4 parts. (You might pay more attention to him saying what has already been said in the above replies).

    Often the communication between the husband and wife breaks down and instead of listening to each other, the two spouses focus more on being heard. Have you even told your husband that you want more sex and you want him to express himself whenever he wants. In return you have to listen to what he likes and what he doesn't like. Make an attempt to understand your husband.

    One of the following could very well be the case or it might completely be a different reason.
    i) He maybe a very shy person.
    ii) He maybe overwhelmed at work or too busy with work.
    iii) He may not enjoy your company because you fail to take into account his likes and dislikes.
    iv) Maybe he is the sort of person who sometimes would like his wife to invite him to her bed.
    v) He may have a medical problem but too shy about it.

    And the list goes on. At this point I would like to summarize a joke that a husband got home but he was distracted and disinterested. The wife started having all these weird thoughts that maybe she did something wrong or he met someone else or he doesn't love her any more. While in reality the husband's favorite team lost that day and he was feeling down. Even though this is a joke, it is very close to reality because men and women think very different and give importance to different things.

    JZK

  8. Sister,

    There is obviously something going on within your marriage and neither one of you are going to get to the bottom of it unless you two sit down and lay everything out on the table. As women...we are emotional creatures by nature however men are not. Often, we women think our husbands should know what we want or how we feel when in reality, they often don't know at all. It isn't because they don't care, it's because they simply don't know what is going on in that pretty little head of ours.

    You may find something is bothering your husband or some other issues that are affecting his intimacy with you however if neither one of you opens up to the other, how will you ever know what the problems is? So...I say sit down and start talking. Quit thinking that somehow ending your life will make things better, it won't. Work on your marriage to attain what you do not have at present. Your biggest problem right now is not the fact that you are not having intimacy in a way that you want it, but communication. If the two of you will communicate with one another, you might be able to understand each others needs better. If you can do that, Inshallah things will get better for both of you and you will have a long, happy and successful marriage Inshallah.

    Salam

  9. Assalamu aleykum wa rahmatullahi wa barkatuhu,

    I will be very frank and practical. First of All do you think death is option available to you. If you think death is the solution of your problem then you are totally wrong. Regarding your husband not able to satisfy tell him to use Viagra. Also have you spoken to your husband about this issue. If you really loves you he will definitely try to solve your problem. And regarding giving birth to a child, Only whenever Allah wills you will have a child. I pray to Allah that you have a child soon. Ameen.

    Having patience and making Duwa is the best solution for you right now. But even after trying all these things and still you feel nothing is working out for you. Then another solution for you which is the extreme one is that you divorce your husband and marry someone else.

    In sha Allah Allah you help give you patience and help you make the best decision.

    Salam.

  10. I agree with the above comment. One of the purposes of marriage is to have intimate relations in a halal way Your husband is the only way you can do this.. This is your right. If your husband is not fullfulling this then where do you turn? You cant live your whole life like this. Most women want children after marriage. But how can this be achieved without sexual relations?

    You cannot pray to Allah to have a child if you are not doing the work. I suggest maybe you should get elders involved and relate the problem to them and be firm that you want a normal married life. If your husband has problems he needs to speak up and TELL YOU. There should be no secerets between husband and wife. They are like garments for each other. So I don't understand why a wife has to keep guessing what the husbands problem is!. He needs to communicate with you clearly about everything because you are his other half, life partner.

    Hope your husband changes for the better in sha Allah

  11. ASSALAMALAIKUM
    REQUEST TO ALL IS THAT WE MUST UNDERSTAND THE LIFE OF A HUSBAND/WIFE IS A LIFE OF GIVE AND TAKE NOT JUST TAKE OR GIVE BOTH WILL EFFECT THE RELATIONSHIP-

    SO LET US CONCENTRATE -ALL FOR THAT MATTER TO IMPROVE OUR EFFORTS IN THE MAIN ATTACHEMENT WHICH IS THE BASE OF A STRONG COUPLE-THAT IS NIGHT

    I WILL TRY TO GIVE RELIGIOUS MATTER MORE AND TRAINING MATTER WORDLY LESS-REST CAN BE IMAGINED AND PERFORMED IN THE BEST MANNER-BECAUSE LIFE IS GOING FAST AGE TAKES OUR TIME AND VIGOUR- AND WE LOOSE THE PLEASENT PLEASURES OF THE SEASONS WHICH ALLAH GAVE US TO ENJOY IN HALAL WAY-

    “Foreplay and passionate kissing before sexual intercourse is an emphatic Sunnah (sunnah muakkada), and it is disliked (makruh) to do otherwise.” (Faidh al-Qadir, 5/115, See: Hadith no. 6536)
    "Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you.
    " "And what is that messenger?" they asked, and he replied: "Kisses and words."

    ISLAM ALLOWS FOREPLAY THEN WHY WE ARE IGNORANT FOR THE WHOLE LIFE-
    FOREPLAY CAN BE STARTED BY CALLING THE HUSBAND- SAYING I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU TODAY AND PREPARE YOURSELF WITH GOOD DRESS WHICH HE LIKES AND JASMINE FLOWERS LOOK BEUTIFUL]REMEMBER A MALE GOES TO DRINK TEA OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE- IF HE DOES NOT GET THE TYPE OF TEA WHICH HE WANTS AT HOME TS JUST THE SAME WITH SEX TREATEMENT.

    AND WAIT AT THE DOOR FOR HIM TO COME TIRED FROM WORK AND EXHAUSTED EXPECTING TO RELAX-
    ISLAM ALLOWS FOREPLAY AND THIS CAN BE WITH A MASSAGE-ALSO ITS NOT WRONG-KEEP ANTI STRESS MASSAGE OIL OR CREAM[AVAILABLE IN THE MARKET]
    1]BACK POSITION
    POSITION YOURSELF NEAR HIM
    1]STARTING WITH THE NECK RUB NEAR THE NAPE OF THE NECK AND AROUND HIS NECK /SHOULDERS BLADES. MOVING TOWARDS HIS BICEPS,ELBOWS,FORE ARMS HANDS UPTO FINGERS -
    RUB THE ARMS WITH PALMS OF YOUR HAND GENTLY AT FIRST THEN ADD PRESSURE-

    COME DOWN TO THE SPINE THEN LOWER SPINE BACK, LEGS,BACK OF THE KNEES CALVES THIGHS AND FEET-

    FRONT POSITION
    2]HIS CHEST/HIPS MASSAGE SURROUNDING THE THIGHS INNER THIGHS /ABOVE KNEES-RUB GENTLY GRADUALLY INCREASE PRESSURE-

    ASK HIM ALSO TO DO THIS FOR YOU-
    1]Your Feet.....2]Your Neck....3]Your Stomach......4]Your Ear Lobes Sure the sweet nothings are nice, but whispering in your ear also-Stimulate the soft skin of your ear lobes.......5]Your Mouth[KISS]NOTE IN HADEES ABOVE-Some women can't get turned on at all without kissing-.
    Bonus points if he cups your face while kissing you. The more skin contact the better.
    6]BOTH MUST PLEASE EACH OTHER ON WHAT EACH LIKES - THIS APPLIES FOR BOTH TO BE FRANLKY ASK FREELY SO THAT THE TIME IS NOT WASTED IN GUESSING-

    THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO MAKE THE LIFE WHICH ALLAH HAS GIVEN US TO BE MADE WORTH-
    JUST IT NEEDS OUR FRANKNESS[BOTH MUST SHED THEIR RESEREVATIONS AND BACKWARD THINKING IN THIS SUBJECT]THEN ONLY THE CRAVING FOR THE NEXT SESSION WILL BE ON MIND AND THIS IS THE BEST FIELD TO LEAVE THE REST OF THE WORLD ALONE-
    I WILL GUARANTEE THAT EVERY COUPLE IF LIVES IN THE ABOVE MENTIONED CLOSENESS NEVER WILL ANY STAGE COME DIVORCE OR BREAK UP-
    WE MUST LEARN OUR LESSON FROM THE LOVE BIRDS WE SEE IN MANY HOUSES CAGED -WHENEVER YOU SEE THEM THEY WILL BE SO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER ALWAYS KISSING EVEN THE FOREIGNERS ARE NOT SO CLOSE FOR SO MANY HOURS LIKE THE LOVE BIRDS-
    You want to be enthusiastic and passionate about giving pleasure and give HE/SHE all the pleasure you can.
    1- START SLOW...2WARM-UP3]DONT DIVE -IN 4]WAIT FOR CONFIRMATION TO PROCEED 5]LISTEN TO REACTION 6]MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT-7]KNOW WHEN TO CONTINUE WHEN TO STOP.....
    While all of these are useful ideas, the real magic of oral pleasure is doing the unexpected, so as you put these ideas to use, remember to be spontaneous as often as you can.

    And keep in mind that you must be enthusiastic at all times if you want her to go down on you willingly, then she deserves the same in return.

    HOPE THE ABOVE SENTENCES ARE NOT VULGUR OR BAD TO PRESENT IN THIS RESPECFUL FORUM.....
    THE INTENTION BEHIND THIS POST IS TO SEE THAT NOT ONLY THE AUTHOR OF THIS POST [SWEETY] BUT ALL OF US BECOME ENTUSIASTIC AND TAKE THE PLEASURE OF MARRIED LIFE AS BEST AS POSSIBLE-WHICH WILL SAVE US FROM UNWANTED BREAKUPS-TALAQ THE WORST OF ALL-
    REGARDS
    ALI YOUSUFF

  12. wish for death?
    seriously this isnt sumthing that cant be worked out God wuts happened to ppl?
    The fact that u want to die is just ridiculous sister.
    Y dnt u open ur eyes and see wht kindda BIGGER problems are around u. Sex isnt everything!

    • I agree that no one should wish for death under any circumstances.

      Though physical intimacy isn't everything, it is probably in the top 3 important factors in a marriage (and for some, maybe top 2 or top one!). But for this sister, her words speak more to feeling rejected than just a lack of physical intimacy as it seems to me.

      • Saba, just wanted you to know that I spent about a half hour the other day trying to figure out why your comments are held for moderation, and I couldn't figure it out. Your email address is not on the moderation list. I don't know what's triggering it. I always approve your comments immediately without review in any case.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • JazakAllah Br. Wael.

          I don't know why it is happening either except that this started after I had stopped coming to the site for about 4 weeks and upon my return it began. I do not always make the comments from the same source, so I am not sure if this website just doesn't like the fact that my IP addresses may differ while my email address remains the same?

          I will try using a different email or ip and see if it makes any difference.

          I appreciate you taking time to look into this matter. JazakAllah.

      • Things like this can be worked out.

    • I agree that the spiritual intimacy should always be in the top 1 important factors in a marriage, as this in itself could make the little of physical intimacy adorable.

      In the case of the sister here, I don't think she is really asking for too much. She is just saying that if she can't get a complete physical intimacy from her husband, then she should at least get more physical caring together with the spiritual caring, but the husband seems to give her only little from the spiritual caring. I think this is why she is worried.

      The physical caring together with the spiritual caring, is the complete spiritual intimacy.

    • I think I am getting your point here sister noorkh786.

      Sex isn't everything. It shouldn't be the reason why one wishes for death. In fact this problem is less as compared to many other big problems in the world.

      • Thanks,
        yea well ppl make a problem bigger than it really is.
        I think love, and understanding is what matters more then everything else falls into place.

  13. brother mohd you spoke the truth,

    I wish i can get that sexy lady , that knows how to lure her man.

    Take Mohd advice, be more sexy and turn him on. There are special touchs, foods, many beutiful things that a husband and wife can enjoy. and you will enjoy sister.

    This is the time to have fun, don't get depressed.

    Just make sure your are %100 clean and smelling nice not too strong of a fragnace, then when he is sitting down , come and sit on him and relax your body on him. Men love a nice loose body, let him take control, show him you want him, it will turn him on bigTime.

  14. Accept islam... everything will be fine... inshAllah

    • Not a helpful response, faraz. First, what makes you think that she is not Muslim already? Second, your comment is simplistic. Everyone here is Muslim, yet they still have problems.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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