Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I´ve been sick and my husband is getting coldhearted

Dua Against Illness

Prophetic Dua Against Illness

I never thought I would ask for help but I am becoming increasingly depressed because of my marriage.

I have been married for some years now and my husband has become very mean.  I give him whatever he wants.  Anytime we disagree I say sorry even when he is the one whom was wrong. He yells at me and tells me to shut up and he won´t talk to me if I ever disagree.

I have been ill since before we got married and he was well aware of this.  I still gave him two children even at the risk of my own life.  Every say I suffer in horrible physical pain from head to toe and all my doctors are well aware of this.  Still he says it is not that bad but I know he could not deal with a ounce of  what I go through.

At first he was very understanding he would help with our children when I had very bad days and needed rest.  Now he gets angry if I make mistakes when cooking due to my illness.  He promised my family and me he would always take care of me that he did not care.  I married him even though he had no money and I have worked to be the best housewife I could and mother.

We worked together to become finacial stable. Now he says you were not that sick before.  This is true but i have had two children and multiple surgerys. I am so lost without him. When he is upset I tell him I love him to please talk to me That Allah does not want us to fight.  He does not care then all he does is say mean things back such as my problem is being with you.  I could never hurt anyone that way.  Today he hurt me and he did not care a bit that my arm was hurt. I don´t know what to do anymore.

Even my oldest child is becoming upset and saying stop hurting mommy.  I fear too that they will grow up treating their wives like this.  I am aware that sometimes people do not like to talk.  However he never wants to work things out.  His idea of fixing our issues is ignoring them or saying a half sorry.  I can´t live like this anymore I feel like I am going to go crazy from this abuse.  The only reason I live is for fear of Allah and my children.

Is their any advice anyone might have?  how do I get back the loving man I married?  I can't help but wonder if Allah just wants me to be alone and that no one could ever really love someone whom has physical challanges.


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7 Responses »

  1. I hope this helps you...

    Your husband, like many men, needs to appreciate you for all that you sacrificed. More importantly, no man has the right to hit his wife...ever.

    So the only advice I would say is you need to let him know that his actions are wrong and you will not be always the one that understand and accomodates.

    I hope you do not misunderstand...but wives and mothers are the most important thing in the life of a man. If he truly believe that his problem is you, you need to pray to Allah that he is able to see his mistake. At the same time, you have to make sure that he understands that this conduct is unacceptable. I know it is much easier to say than do but the prophet said one of the treasures of the world is a good wife. It seems to me that you are this. So, if he can not see it, you need to show him this and you need to show your children that it is not ok to do this to their future wives.

    May Allah be with you insallah

  2. asalamu alaikum

    after readin this i can understand how much you are struggling. it seems to me your husband is selfish and only thinks about himself.

    i got a family of my own and if my wife or children's catch a little cold i get worried i some time take days off work. i always cook and clean at home even when my family is in good health. so in your condition he should be catering to your needs without fail. he is old enough now he should know his responsibilty instead of actin like a big baby.

    if the children witnesses their parents constantly fightin then the children will learn and when they get married they also gonna repeat what their parents did cos they gonna think its natural for them to beat their partner when it isnt. sis we need to stop this cycle. your child is already aware of the situation which is bad.

    for your safety and your children's future its best not to stay in that enviroment. also sis you said you are ill? but living in that hectic household it will only worsen your health. stress can lead you to more illness.

    ma salama

  3. sister
    you sound so tired and distraught. I feel for you and my heart goes out to you. My advice to you sister is to make yourself number one priority. You need to seek medical treatment, improve your lifestyle and ensure that mentally and physically you are catering for your needs. This is not to say that you are being selfish, but tihnk about it. If you are well and strong then your whole household will be- your children need you so you'll be doing it for them.
    if doctors cannot provide any relief for your sicknesses then i suggest you seek alternative medical assistance, there is so much out there.
    Go out and about with other sisters, young mums etc with your children, entertain your body and mind with halal activities, there is so much you can do- a walk in the park, a day out to a theme park, a picnic- sister you need to do things to take your mind away from your 'house, husband and his hostility!'
    When you feel refreshed you will be able to look at your problems objectively.

    With regards to your husband i think firslty you should tell him everything, exactly the way you have posted here, from A-Z relate to him your inner turmoil.
    I'm sure that somewhere deep down there still exists the caring man you married but lifes hardship may have added the brutalness to his character, which is not your fault and he should not be taking it out on you- but sometimes some people need to be told to stop becasue they are too weak or short-sighted to see if for themselves.

    If talking to him does not work then you need to get family involved. If he is physcially absusing you then i tihnk you should have involved both families a long time go- why women suffer violence in silence i'll never know- its not martydom sister and you are not obliged to take it!!!

    Personally i believe that you need time out- meaning you need to spend time away from him. If possible then take your kids and spend a few days to a week at your parents- just to refresh yourself, to remove yourself from the tension, your mind and body needs rest sister and maybe time apart may help your husband to realise the eras of is ways.

    Also sister remember that this life is a test, and after every hardship there is ease insha-allah. Pray a lot to Allah, do your salah, spend time reciting the Quran to yourself and your children. Go out to Islamic events, talks etc- all these will make you a stronger person and indeed a stronger Muslim.

    I pray that Allah makes it easy for you.

  4. even with youyr physical challenges you deserve to be loved. don't put up with this for too long because he will become slack. and never change. turn to allah -i am rushing this reply sorry - but make du'a and be happy whateveer the outcome as you said you have your children to think of they wil grow up having no respect for the man that has no respect for their mother

  5. You need to leave, even if just temporarily. He is taking you for granted and you need to put some space between the two of you for a while so that way he gets a clearer picture of what it will be like without you or the kids around. Do you have a friend that you could stay with for a while? If you don't, consider a shelter.

    I made the mistake of trying to fix my abusive boyfriend's behavior and things just got worse. I believe that if I had left for a while, he might have had some time to really think about how he was behaving.

    I pray things work out for you. Those are terrible things he is saying to you. Give him some time to himself.

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