Is he the right one for me or should I just give up??
Assalamualaikum,
Recently I knew this one man from a networking site. Both of us are Muslims and he is much older than me, almost reaching thirty while I just turned twenty last autumn. We started to talk via chat and then later on, texting and he started to call me, and we had so much chemistry going on, it was really comfortable talking to him and without realizing, we've been talking for hours and hours until sleep overtook us.
He asked me personal questions regarding my faith and religion, he asked about my attitude whether do I go to clubs and parties and all that, and I answered all to him truthfully. Around few days days later, he told me that I matched all his criteria to be the ideal wife for him and that he said that I may be his jodoh. In response, I told him to not get such high expectations of me because I was worried that when he expected too much, he may be greatly disappointed when meeting me. And he told me that it's not like that.
A few days later, we met and he brought me for a date, and we spent the whole day together until night time and he sent me home. I thought it was an amazing day and I thought that he liked me because he gave me roses and chocolates and when I was home, he called me and I told him I would love to see him again and he said that could be easily arranged.
About a week later, I asked him if he wanted to meet and he said yes, but he needs to confirm with me later on because of his work and even before we went out on that date, he already told me that his life is hectic because he works in the media and he's pretty well-known from where I came from. So on the day itself, he told me he couldn't make it. And I noticed that he wrote to me less and less and has stopped calling me at all. And I asked him, what happened? And he told me that, he liked everything about me except one thing, and that is I lack confidence and said I'm too young to understand that. And he said he is not looking for any serious relationship right now, just want to mess around.
Yes, he works in the media and on TV shows that require him to be so confident. He was in a Western country (we're both Asians), he drinks and clubs and very "modernized", all of his friends drink and from the looks of it, I think he goes out with many girls as well. He is handsome and he knows it, that's why he is cocky at times. Even knowing his lifestyle, I still accept him because I know I am not perfect as well, but my heart starts to care for him that I am willing to accept that. Many people always said that a girl must find the pious husband to guide her to jannah, but if I were to be destined with him, cant we both guide each other?
I told my mother about him (before he told me about not wanting a serious relationship and that I lack confidence) and for the first time in my life, I asked my mother to do the Istikhara prayer for me. Even back then, with my ex-fiance, I've never done it. My mother agreed because she said she likes this man. Even with my ex, she never liked him. But when I told her about him and showed his photo, my mother was genuinely interested in him and likes him, until now.
So, my mother and I did the Istikhara prayer together. And that night, I didn't dream of his face, but I dreamt that I was under the Eiffel tower with a man. While my mother dreamt that a girl took my favourite dress from me, but my mother managed to get that dress back, telling the girl that the dress belongs to me. From our understanding, it probably meant that this man has his attention to another lady but in the end, his feelings will return back to me. And a few days ago, I dreamt that I was married to him but we had a conflict and I lost him but I got him back, and he was serious to me but in the dreamed, I remember telling to my friend that I believe in the power of the dua and Allah, because I got my love back.
And on a Friday evening, I said bismillah and sent him a message, telling him that I wont degrade myself to be a girl for him to fool around with because I don't want to commit any sins with him and I am too uncomfortable to be his friend because now that I have feelings for him. And he said okay, and just told me to work on my confidence.
I have my reasons to be shy. One, it was my first time meeting him. Second, I grew up with people making fun of me and I was in an abusive relationship for two years, I guess that's what made me "lack confidence". And I was upset that he judged me and totally dislike me for that reason because he doesn't know me fully yet.
Until today, I did not speak nor write to him for 13 days since I wrote that message and every single day I am still thinking about him. Usually, it would be easy for me to forget a simple crush and move on, but with this man, I even dream about him on some nights and it's driving me nuts.
I saw on his photos, that he went out with this one Chinese non-Muslim girl, to some clubs and bars and I asked my mother, if in the dream, the girl who took my dress was a Chinese, and she said yes.
I know I sound like a fool but I still have hope for him and I don't know what to do. His birthday is coming up next month and I thought of sending him a birthday wish and maybe tell him that if he's willing, we can start over so that he can get to know me better before jumping on conclusions. But it's so far away and I'm afraid that I will completely lose him by then. And if I were to send him a message now, it would seem to soon. Ah, the conflicts of being a girl ! Too much over-thinking.
I've prayed and prayed and I don't know what to do. Should I just ignore the istikhara dream and move on, or should I stay and work things out??
Thank you so much for your time on reading this. I am sorry if my problem seems childish, but I really need your help and guidance.
May Allah bless all of us. Salam
Wondering Soul
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Assalaamualaikam
From what you've written, I honestly wouldn't waste your time chasing this man. When we look for a husband, we should consider his deen and his character. He drinks, goes clubbing, womanises, is cocky, and doesn't treat women with respect. That doesn't seem like the kind of man who would be husband material for a practising Muslimah.
It's understandable to have a crush on an older man, who's charming and suave, but when considering whether or not to act on those feelings, you need to look at what's underneath the surface. Looks change, material wealth comes and goes, and lifestyles need to adapt to the world around us - the things that make a marriage strong need to come from deeper within a person's character.
There are many practising Muslim men in the world. If you need reassurance of that, just read some of the intelligent and pious comments posted on this website - brothers who are chaste, who are family men, who are educated in Islam, who do good deeds for the sake of Allah. It is this type of man that you should aspire to marry, rather than a man who isn't religious and seems very enthralled by material pleasures.
Take some time, repent for your transgressions, and when you feel ready to consider marriage, ask your family to help you choose a husband who will stand by you, practise and grow in his faith with you, and with whom you can build a meaningful life, inshaAllah.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalam alaikum Sister Wondering Soul,
First of all, it takes a lot of confidence to tell someone that you care for that you will not be intimate with them. I don't think you lack confidence, but maybe he took your shyness as a girl to be lacking confidence. He is wrong on that front and it is his problem what he thinks, not yours.
Secondly, sister, I don't know whether your question for the post is right--Is he right for one for you or should you give up? Do not chase him at all--and if was interested in you and wanted to marry you, he would. First he said he wanted to marry you (and that you were his ideal match), then he said he wanted to mess around--this part is probably the most truthful thing he said to you!--so believe him. He is playing games with you hoping you will fall for his tricks.
It isn't appropriate for you to be talking and meeting with men. Your mother shouldn't be encouraging you either. You didn't mention your father, but he should be the one involved in helping finding a husband for you. Do not meet anyone alone especially from the internet (dangerous!).
To answer your question: No, this man is wrong for you and you are not giving up anything if you lose him.
May Allah guide you and help you find a righteous husband, Ameen!
He has indirectly told you he isn't interested by saying that you lack confidence,.If he was actually interested in you...you not having enough confidence wouldn't hold him back.
He met you..maybe he didn't feel what you felt..and now is letting you down gently. That's what I got from what I read.
Sorry if that hurts you.
I also don't think he is the type of person you would want as a husband, he doesn't sound like marriage material to me and if you told your mum about everything you know about him, she would not want you marrying him either.
Don't be a fool by chasing him. Let him go.
ASSALAMALAIKUM
LIST OF BLUNDERS WHICH ARE HARAM IN ISLAM
We started to talk via chat and then later on, texting and he started to call me, and we had so much chemistry going on, it was really comfortable talking to him and without realizing, we've been talking for hours and hours until sleep overtook us.
In response, I told him to not get such high expectations of me because I was worried that when he expected too much, he may be greatly disappointed when meeting me. And he told me that it's not like that.
A few days later, we met and he brought me for a date, and we spent the whole day together until night time and he sent me home.
And he said he is not looking for any serious relationship right now, just want to mess around.
ISTAKHARA[THAT ALSO WRONG FOR APERSON TO DO ISTAKHARA FOR ANOTHER]THIS GOES ON IN LAKISTAN FOR MONEY TV DEVAINT SCHLAES ETC ETC MADE THEIR OWN ISLAM]
ISTAKHARA FOR WHAT FOR A VAGABOIND AND A GIRL WHO WANTS DEFY ALLAH FIX HER OWN MATE? WITHOUT THE KNOW;EDGE OF PARENTS ????????????????????????????????
I asked my mother to do the Istikhara prayer for me.
AND FINALLY COMING OT A VERY GRAND DECISION-I think he goes out with many girls as well. He is handsome and he knows it, that's why he is cocky at times. Even knowing his lifestyle, I still accept him
READ THIS CAREFULLY AND BACK OUT IMMIDIATELY.......
If a man corresponds with an unrelated women, and they come to love each other, is this action considered to be forbidden?
Answer:
This action is not permissible, because it excites desire between the two, and incites the urge to arrange meetings and telephone calls, Very often, this flirting and correspondence causes trials and temptations, and implants a love of fornication in the heart, which plunges one into committing acts of unlawful sexual intercourse, or causes them. So we advice those who desire to benefit themselves, to protect themselves against correspondence and telephone calls and the likes, in order to preserve one's religion and honour. And Allah is the granter of success.
Permanent Committee for Research and Verdicts
Fatawa Islamiyah Page no. 120 Vol: 5
:
assalamalaikum-
Correspondence between the sexes is not permissible, because that provokes temptation and usually results in evil. If a man corresponds with a non-mahram woman in letters that are not seen by anyone else, that leads to many evils.
As for the love that stems from repeated looking, haraam mixing or correspondence, the one who does that is sinning to the extent that he does haraam things in his relationship and love.
Islam forbids a woman to be alone with a man who is not her mahram because of the fitnah (temptation) and bad things that result from that, such as attachment and the desire to look and touch, etc.
All of this results from the man talking to the woman in these private letters or conversations, especially if they are young and at an age when desire is strong.
Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him) was asked: What is the ruling on correspondence between young men and young women, if this correspondence is free from immorality, love and desire?
He replied: It is not permissible for any person to correspond with a woman who is not his mahram, because of the temptation involved in that. The person may think that there is no temptation, but the shaytaan will keep trying until he tempts him through her, and tempts her through him.
Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other.
The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him.
And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her.
So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later.
The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate.
Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful.
Asalamo akaykum, sis you are wasting your time and you can and will find someone much more amazing and better inshallah