Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Our marriage went from best to worst

 petals falling

Asalamu alaikum to all, I hope you are all well.

I am a recent revert to Islam. I've always struggled with religion in my life. Last year I met a man on Craigslist looking for a friend without anything sexual. I was excited to find we shared so much in common. We only talked on the phone at first. He told me he was Muslim and I had no problem with that, as I've always liked learning about new religions and Islam was very mysterious to me. We ended up meeting and we were instantly attracted to each other, but we kept ourselves in check mostly. Nothing besides kissing once in a while. He taught me about Islam a great deal and I was very interested. I loved listening to stories about the Prophet saws, and hearing the principals of Islam made me grow closer and closer to it. I began to love Islam and this man. Islam made so much sense to me. It answered all the questions in a common sense way that no other religion had ever been able to for me. And this man was charming and enigmatic with a stable life, He had fallen in love with me too, even though at the time I was still a kaafir technically.

He began to feel guilty. He would call me to say we couldn't see each other anymore unless we were to be married. I knew I loved Islam and that Allah swt was the one and only God and thought maybe I should go ahead and take my shahada. He came to my home and I took my shahada with him as my witness, and I instantly felt a calm and peacefulness come over me- it was beautiful. He asked me if I would marry him not long after that, and I said yes. All of this was done with my mother knowing, as I have no male relative anywhere near. She loved him also, and thought it was a great idea.

I began wearing hijab, praying right away, learning how to properly make wudu/guhsl, and learned the arabic I needed to make salaah and dua at a basic level. We made istikhara for our marriage, and it seemed to all fit so perfectly. So many things happened miraculously- it was incredible. It was like having physical proof of Allah swt tangible to us. Amazing...subhannallah. It made me love Islam so much more. Our wedding went off without any problems and alhumdulillah, it was the best day of my life. The imam acted as my wali and it was very nice. I felt so loved. We did everything according to sunnah and Quran it was very orthodox. We went off alone after this and consummated our marriage that night.

We were very happy and the next couple of days I moved in with him. He was renting a room with an older kaafir man and this didn't work out for too long. We ended up having to move in with my mother, and since then so much has changed between us. I'm now 2 months pregnant, and I am sad as we fight constantly about dumb, small little things. I changed a great deal of myself to fit into the lifestyle of Islam and to be someone that makes him happy, but he is not happy. He is very depressed that we live at my mother's. He works very hard from after fajr to after mahgrib to make money that all gets completely spent on his son from his previous marriage.

On top of this, his ex wife will not let him have his son for time alone together unless she gets to know me. But sadly I feel she may be using their child to stay in my husband's life, and have power over him and connection to him. They text a lot, and it makes me very uncomfortable, but he says he is just sending her islamic info to benefit their son. He doesn't want to to tell her that I am pregnant because he doesn't want her to be sad and affect our child with evil eye.

I feel very bad about myself that I have changed so much for him and it is not meaningful to him. He says he is stressed with money -which I believe- but he is taking it out on me and it is destroying our happiness. He pays hold support but is actually supporting his son, his ex wife who doesn't work because of a handicap, (may Allah make it easy on her) and her other two sons that she had with a kaafir man in a previous marriage and who doesn't pay any hold support. So he pays for a family of 4 to live, when he is only responsible for half of his son's expenses. He feels obligated, but is he? He can't give her money and expect her to only feed and clothe the son they had together. She does not think well of me, which I understand as I am his new wife and I can't say I'd feel differently.

But subhannallah, we are trying so hard to make things work and they just aren't. I'm very sad. My life feels over. My husband is stuck paying for this family to live, (may Allah swt reward him) but now we have nothing to live on ourselves. We can't even afford to have a place of our own or food for ourselves, let alone be able to have a life outside of work and house chores. We do not know any other Muslims to talk to or seek help and guidance from. We are so worn out, defeated, depressed and tired all the time from work; and me being pregnant does not help the emotional and tired aspect. We are both waiting for Allah swt to bring us ease for our hardships, but it doesn't seem to come. We are starting to attack each other and be mean and careless of each other's feelings because of how defeated and overwhelmed we are. It is sickening. We both are giving up. We don't even sleep together anymore, we fight so much. It's a very sad and depressing turn of events, when at first everything seemed to be going so well. Now we are tired, depressed, broke, defeated, angry, hurt.

I am feeling a little jealous that he is so close to his ex wife still, and is now not happy with me anymore. I don't know what to do. We are stuck at my mother's house with no financial ease in sight, such that I'm not sure we can take care of our baby when we have it. I've considered adoption- as horrible and depressing as that thought is for me- but my husband must take care of his first born, so what choice do I have? I keep making dua and trying to learn more about Islam and feel close to it again, but this is so difficult it is making my heart cold to everything. I'm sorry this was so long, but I really don't know what to do in this situation. Please, any help or advice is greatly appreciated. Words of wisdom or past experiences...anything I would be grateful for. Thank you all and jazakallah khair. I hope to hear back soon.


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9 Responses »

  1. You say "They text a lot, and it makes me very uncomfortable, but he says he is just sending her islamic info to benefit their son. He doesn't want to to tell her that I am pregnant because he doesn't want her to be sad and affect our child with evil eye."

    Looks like some thing fishy is going on. I think you should meet his wife so that she feels comfortable for letting her son come stay with you. Is his ex-wife also a convert to Islam?

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    first sis get adoption out of your mind. you have plenty of time left before the child is born, also you don't know what the future holds.

    second, put your whole trust in Allah(swt). Allah(swt) will provide for you from places you never expected from. I can tell you a true story regarding this but it is too lengthy.

    and your husband is actually stressing himself out. he should pay for his son only, its not his responsibility to look after the other children. if his ex is handicap, I'm sure she can get some kind of welfare benefit to support her. can I ask, how old is his son?

    ma salama..

  3. Wa'alaikumusalam warehmatullahe wabarakatuhu! Sister Maimuna,

    Allaah Has sent me to answer your queries here alhumdulillah! Pray for me I am "NOTHING"

    Read very very carefully,
    Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Wants you to be in more trial.

    Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) Says: "And whatever of blessings and good things you have, it is from Allah. Then, when harm touches you, unto Him you cry aloud for help." [Surah Al-Nahl, 16: 53]

    Therefore, it is incumbent upon all Muslims to thank Allah (may He be Praised) for these bounties and to avoid being ungrateful. Allah says while mentioning the bounties He bestows upon His servants: "And Allah has brought you out from the wombs of your mothers while you know nothing. And He gave you hearing, sight, and hearts that you might give thanks (to Allah)." [Surah Al-Nahl, 16: 78]

    Thanking Allah for His bounties in general and in detail protects these bounties and increases them.
    Allah Says: "And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed: "If you give thanks (by accepting Faith and worshipping none but Allah), I will give you more (of My Blessings); but if you are thankless (i.e. disbelievers), verily My punishment is indeed severe." [Surah Ibrahim, 14:7]

    Dear sister this is for you,
    Allah Says: "Therefore remember Me (by praying, glorifying), I will remember you, and be grateful to Me (for My countless Favours on you) and never be ungrateful to Me." [Surah Al-Baqarah, 2: 152]

    Moreover, the Prophet (peace be upon him) advised Mu`adh Ibn Jabal (may Allah be pleased with him) to say this Du`a' (supplication) at the end of every Salah (Prayer): "O Allah, help me to mention, thank and worship You in the best manner."

    It is part of Allah's wisdom that He tries His servants with goodness and evil in order that the believer might increase in his belief, reliance and resorting to Allah (may He be Praised). Therefore, believers will exercise patience with what Allah predestines in order that their reward might multiply.

    Allah Says: "And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient," [Surat Al-Baqarah, 2:155]

    "Who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return."
    [Surat Al-Baqarah, 2:156]

    This is for you sister,
    Allah Says: "Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, "When (will come) the Help of Allah?" Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near! " [Surah Al-Baqarah, 2: 214]

    Therefore, it is incumbent upon Muslims to fear Allah by following His commands and avoiding His prohibitions. If they are inflicted with any of these calamities, they have to repent and return to Allah, and to search in themselves for the causes of this trial.

    Allah Says: "And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much." [Surah Al-Shura, 42: 30]

    This is for you sister,
    Allah Says: "No calamity befalls, but by the Leave [i.e. Decision and Qadar (Divine Preordainments)] of Allah, and whosoever believes in Allah, He guides his heart [to the true Faith with certainty, i.e. what has befallen him was already written for him by Allah from the Qadar (Divine Preordainments)]. And Allah is the All-Knower of everything." [Surah Al-Taghabun, 64: 11]

    This means that whoever is afflicted with any of these calamities and believes that it is predestination of Allah and receives it with patience seeking His reward, Allah will guide his heart to certainty and belief. He also has to realize that what befell him was not to miss him and what missed him was not to befall him.

    Allah Says: "and whatsoever you spend of anything (in Allah's Cause), He will replace it. And He is the Best of providers." [Surah Saba', 34: 39]

    Since, you said your heart is getting cold, this is for you sister,
    "Only in remembrance of Allah (swt) will your heart find peace" (Surah 13: Verse 28)

    Sister, CONNECT WITH ALLAAH AND SEE THE MIRACLE WAITING FOR YOU. YOU PRAY TO ALLAAH LIKE THIS, "Allaah I am the one who had made mistakes knowingly or unknowingly, please forgive me. Show me the right path and help me out from this distress." Repeat these words in Sajood (prostration) after Namaz (Esha) prayer or in the middle of the night or in Tahajjud prayer. Don't raise your head from this Sajdah (prostration) position until your heart finds peace.
    And insha'Allaah you will be Granted. Amen

    Regarding you query for abortion, please see the following links the answers are there already,

    You have been answered alhumdulillah!

    Allaah Knows the Best!

  4. I've just returned from burying my grandmother tonight. We had a lot of family problems to the extent that my dad would not visit her often. But today it all hit home. What did these problems (of money and properties) matter in the end?

    Life is hard on most people. and from reading your post i understand that it is particularly difficult for you now. sister maybe you should just try to view this as a temporary trial from Allah. It sounds as though your husband is a good man who just happens to be stuck. i hope it works out for you. try not to fight between yourselves. If you can survive these difficult times your marriage can last a lifetime.

    im sorry im not of much help. im really tired. i just wanted to reply to your post before i fell asleep. if i get time i will try to add more tomorrow.

    congratulations on becoming muslim.

    • AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother Isa, How are you doing? It has been a while...

      May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala forgive our dear grandmother, and have mercy on her, as we ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to admit her in His broad Jannat, with His Mercy! Ameen.

      • thanks. i might as well join her. i dont understand why she died and i didnt. she didnt want to die. she was loved by her family. she deserved to live. i dont

        • Assalaamualaikam

          Brother, I'm so sorry for your loss. May Allah grant your grandmother peace and a place in Jannah, and may He comfort you and your family.

          It's understandable to feel that we cannot understand why someone has died and we continue to live. We look and look, but can't see why things happened the way they did. But we can trust in Allah - that His plans for us and for our loved ones have been laid out with love, mercy and knowledge far beyond our own understanding.

          One day, inshaAllah, we will be reunited with those we have loved who have left this life. In the meantime, we can continue to honour their memory with prayer and good deeds. If you need support, you are always welcome to post here, and if you feel you need more intensive support, you might want to speak to your imam about local Islamic bereavement support, or access services such as Cruse or Breathing Space (either online or by telephone).


  5. "He doesn't want to to tell her that I am pregnant because he doesn't want her to be sad and affect our child with evil eye."

    It will be up to you to teach your child Islam separate from such superstition.

  6. Salaams,

    Your marriage got off to a good start, and it sounds like you may still care for one another. I think that you guys might benefit from getting marital counseling. There are legitimate concerns for both of you, such as your concern about how your child's needs are going to be paid for and his concerns about having little funds.

    However I will say this: one of the immediate things he can do to loosen up his funds is stop paying for his ex wife's needs. You said he is only obligated to pay half of his biological son's maintenance, and that's all he should be paying. If that is written in the custody agreement or court order then she cannot demand more than that, no matter what's going on with her. If he doesn't have that in a legal document, he should have it drawn up and tell his ex it will be enforced. His ex wife does not have a right to any funds from him no matter what her condition, and certainly her two children by another man he is not responsible for either. Their father should be paying for their needs.

    The other aspect to this is his ex not letting him have visitation with his son. That should also be addressed legally. If he already has a court order, he should tell her that he will file a contempt order against her if she doesn't start allowing his visitation. If he doesn't have a court order for visitation, then he needs to get one.

    There is always the possibility (since you said he still is close with her in a general sense) that they still care for one another or worse- are still married. I also would be concerned about their constant texting, because this is totally unnecessary to do with an ex. If you have asked him to stop and he continues, that's a red flag. I think you need to talk honestly with him about this aspect and again, a counselor could really help with ironing this issue out. Your new baby should be the biggest priority to him right now, and along with that his marriage to you. Hopefully you guys can make it work and have the family you both intended to have with one another, in shaa Allah.

    -Amy Editor

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