I want to marry him but his parents don’t agree because I am convert with a child
Asalammalaykum,
Hi I was a Christian lady who converted to Islam. I made the greatest sin in my life and I'm seeking advices about this.
When I was a christian I met one Muslim guy at work who is religious and truly a good man. We were seeing each other almost everyday and most of the time and this is not because we like each other nor we intended to, but because we are working in the same field and we are having the same transportation service. I'm married with a christian guy and we have a child and he's (My husband) not in the country where I was working where not together for one year. Our relationship as husband and wife is not good and we always end up arguing with so many things. I feel not secure in the sense of relationship with him even though we have a child.
After 6 months of giving birth I got an employment offer abroad and this is where I'm right now. During the that time I am thinking whether I will accept the offer or not because first of all my husband and child will be left alone, my heart tells me not to leave them because its difficult for me to live without them specially without my child so I prayed hard like I don't have the chance to pray anymore. I asked God to give me guidance and lead my way to the right decision so after 3 nights of non- stop praying I saw a dream having my passport stamped and when I wake up I thanked God for the answers and I'm certain that it was from Him. So I packed my things and flew. It was really a difficult experience being away from our family and friends but I'm thinking that this is God's will.
When I was at work I truly enjoyed the company of my colleagues who have also became my friends. And this is where I knew this Muslim guy. I'm not the type of person who is approachable to men even I'm a christian keep my distance with them and sometimes totally never talk to them. As I've said we are working in the same field and having the same transportation, so definitely we're seeing each other but never knew each other that quick I know him and he knows me by face but never talked.
One day my Muslim Colleague talked about him at work and as per her he is friendly and kind and talking to everybody in the transport. I'm wondering why my friend said that because he actually never talks to me as in never. One day, when I get into the car heading to work I saw him sitting on same place where I used to sit so I feel like there's no where to sit but beside him so, since we are the first and second person who were picked up and were totally silent; he started to talk to me. From then on he's talking to me already every time we see each other; just a simple regards to each other.
We became close and started knowing each other with the group of people who is working with us. He knows everything about me including my relationship with my husband and talking about my child to him as well.
After a year he said something that really shocks me to death. He said that he loves me and willing to die for me. I insisted that I am a married woman having 1 kid but he said he's hoping and praying that we will be together when time comes. From that time I refrain talking to him and when I went for vacation totally I'm not contacting him and even answering his call. But to be honest when I was in vacation there are times that I miss him. I know it is wrong that's why I'm trying to avoid it. When his bothering me so much already with his calls I informed him that I will not come back anymore but of course that was a lie. Just did that for him to overcome whatever he feels.
When I came back I did not inform him and I informed our friends as well not to say to him. But still in an unexpected situation we met again. I don't know what pushed me to talk to him that time but I really feel like I needed to.
I told him to stay as friends because I'm committed even though me and my husband have misunderstandings. I was confident that I will never fall for him but it happened and from that time we committed a greatest sin of all which is the ZINA in Islam. Because of we love each other very much we did it over and over again but when my husband came to the country to work I cut our communication. I choose to be with my husband and he ended up hurt and me as well. I love him so much and I miss him even though my husband is beside me.
I cannot sleep with my husband as well because I'm thinking about this Muslim guy only I feel like if I do I will only make him drown from suffering. I lost my love to my husband who is cheating on me when he was in my country when I found out I decided to separate from him. Upon separation I started to research about Islam. After how many months this Muslim guy contacted me again and asked how am I. I asked him to meet me for a coffee and we started to exchange thoughts again. We became so close to each other again until we decided to live together.
After a few months of living together one by one difficulties is coming I became drown to debts and we had lots of misunderstanding but still we love each other. From that time I realize and got a lot of questions in my mind and because of those question I embrace Islam. From that time we refrain from doing Zina even where living together. Every time the urge is coming where reminding Allah and alhamdulilla we never do anymore but still of course I believe that we cannot live each other even touch each others hand because we are not related to each other meaning we are not married, only when I came to Islam I realized.
After that he ask me again to get married with him for the second time, but I'm getting questions on my mind as well every time he's asking me,it is because my marriage to my Christian husband is not yet void. He said he needs to get married because he's 28 years old already and his parents are encouraging him to get married in this year in fact they are looking a girl for him. One day he talked about me to his parents; he said to them that he wanted to get married with me and of course his parent doesn't want because first of all I'm still married and have a child and he is single with no responsibility yet.
We love each other so much that is why he persuade them when his parents agreed he asked me to persuade my parents as well so we'll make Nikkah. I went home for 15 days and spoke to my parents. First they don't want because they are afraid about my child they are thinking that maybe he will be spoil. And one more thing is that my marriage with this Christian guy is not yet annulled.
My parents agreed also when I tried to explain to them how I feel and how good he is. But of course they wanted my marriage to be annulled first and that's what I'm aiming as well.
When I came back from vacation I was happy to see him and give him the good news, but unfortunately I am the one who was shocked about his decision. He suddenly told me that he doesn't want to get married with me anymore because of the circumstances that we are having and he said that his parents again talk to him and asking him not to take me anymore because his relatives will talk about him and they will not accept. So he said he will get married with someone else this year. Those words truly devastated me and I burst in tears. I even beg him to persuade his parents again and he said he cannot. Knowing the fact that I did everything just to persuade my parents how come he cannot do?
I love him so much and I cannot imagine my self to be with another Muslim Man.
Please give me some advices.
Thanks,
Kharen.
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Kharen,
Go home and stop playing house with another man. You have a husband and a child to care for. If you don't want to be with your husband, divorce him and let him find another wife. Think about your child in all of this. Go home and be the best mother you can be to this child. Continue on your quest to learn more about Islam. May Allah Almighty guide you.
Salam
salam najah.
please be kind in your advice. we dont know why people have to take some decisions or why the end up doing some mistakes. we all are weak and capable of doing mistakes. you dont know what circumstances made her go to another country to earn for family. if her husband was living upto his responsibilities ( doesnt matter if he is christian, all husbands have a similar responsibility towards family) she wouldnt have to leave in the first place. she was alone in a new place away from family and loneliness can get you , a kind word and a helping hand combined with love can make you cross boundaries. you are not in her shoes so dont be harsh.
' go home and stop playing house with another man' do you really think thats how our prophet (pbuh)would have dealth with this woman.
Friend,
My advice is not only kind, it is truthful. Yes we all make mistakes, me included. But surely if you want me to sit here and type rubbish...that I cannot. When we take an oath to marry (irregardless of one's faith), we are bound to be faithful to that person, for better or for worse. Whether times are rough or not, that does not excuse a woman or a man for that matter committing zina "over and over again".
I don't believe I am being harsh here...If it appears that way, I apologize. This sister is married and has a child. If she was divorced, it would be a different matter altogether. She wants to marry another man whilst she is still married to another! This other man is going to his family telling his parents that he wants to marry a woman who is already married to another man! La illaha Illah Allah!
I am not judging this sister friend...she is asking for advice from those who visit this site. My advice is my own personal opinion and if anything I say here is wrong, may Allah forgive me. I speak what is in my heart and I can't sit here and pretend a situation such as this is okay...it is not. If this sister wishes to be with this other man who she has fallen in love with, at the very least, she should divorce her husband. It is not fair to him.
May Allah guide us all and keep us on the right path of Islam.
Salam
I totally agree with najah and to be married is not excuse to cheat on your husband am sorry but i am being honest. I cant believe how someone can do that and live with themselve, leave this man and go to your child who needs a mother and leave your husband he deserves so much better
Asalaam alaikum,
The poster said she left her husband and child because she had an employment offer and saw guidance to leave in a dream. I'm pretty sure that isn't truly a good reason to leave a marriage (she doesn't indicate if there were problems beforehand) and a baby behind. Yes, a baby! Lest we forget that dreams can also be influenced by Shaytan never mind intentions.
To be honest, she abandoned her family. Now the man she committed adultery with abandoned her. Seems like worldly justice is served. Harsh, but it seems that way.
Why the candor? The poster needs to wake up to reality. Her Muslim adultery partner has realized his mistake and is leaving the past sins behind. She only seems upset because she has not woken up to this fact.
I would be more inclined to give her more sympathy if she thought more of her child in this equation, instead of using the child as part of her 'plight' that she is judged by.
This struck a particular note:
How about this instead? Because we didn't respect my marriage, my husband, my child or God, we kept on committing sin again and again.
Part of remorse is not excusing or glossing over the past mistakes.
Asalaam alaikum,
I forgot to emphasize this part:
I lost my love to my husband who is cheating on me when he was in my country when I found out I decided to separate from him.
Really? I guess her adulterous affair during the time she left her family was an expression of her love to her husband?
Once again, part of remorse and repentance is not excusing or glossing over the past mistakes.
I think that before the sister could ever be married again, she needs to truly sit down and think about what marriage is supposed to be and how she has failed to grasp the true reality of her past.
I think the sister is being blamed and blamed for not realising her mistakes. That is fine blame her, but at the same what is solution to her problem???? She is a newly REVERT to Islam! what should she do now????
Asalaam alaikum,
It's not that she's being blamed as much as she doesn't realize it. That's the most important step to repentance. Everything else, including a "solution" is secondary, because without the realization, the solution will not be clear to her. How so? The shariah requires sincere repentance and the realization of it before she could marry her adulterous partner.
By continuing to live with a non-mahram in this situation, which is forbidden, one could make the case that repentance has not occurred on a practical level till this day. Even after shahada, she has yet to leave the sin completely.
Furthermore, she is required to observe an iddah period after her conversion, during which time, she is to invite her legitimate husband to Islam. That's part of the shariah ruling. However, during this time, she is living with another man which before her conversion, was a physically adulterous relationship. And despite the absence of physical sex now, it's still a sin. She had yet to say whether they had finally parted after her vacation.
She needs to discover what repentance requires, first and foremost. If her legitimate husband in her past and their child was of secondary concern to be left on the basis of a dream, then why does this adulterous partner enjoy such status of heart ache despite the tenets of Islam?
She has yet to put Allah (swt) first, in this matter. Re-read her post. How many times is Allah (swt) mentioned? Five. Three of those times, it was to justify her leaving her family.
How many times does she try to justify her sin? I counted about 26 times. Give or take one or two.
This is the second most notable post in three weeks wherein I have seen sisters justify their actions based on lust and white washing it away. Not only is it bereft of reasoning, but it's very troubling. This is the problem with the sin of lust.
I catch all sorts of grief from other Muslim brothers on this website for holding Muslim men to basic Islamic standards. I would be hypocritical not to require the same for Muslim women. Some people might fall back on the revert aspect to make leeway, but Christianity doesn't permit the course she took, either.
As someone once said, "The problem human beings face is not that we aim too high and fail, but that we aim too low and succeed.
Brother professor x,
I do agree with all your points and I always find your posts benefical to myself as it widens my knowledge and understanding in life. But, this time I think this sister in question is being scrutinised instead of being advised.
What she did was with shadow of any doubt considered wrong, immoral and MAJOR SIN in christainty too, but, the way we are communicating to her may distance her from faith in general, so let alone Islam.
In Christainty they believe God is only love and hope. So when a Christain commits sin they probably don't realise the gravity of their sin at all. Not even once it was mentioned in our posts to her that Allah (swt) is also sever in His punishment, therefore she needs to realise her wrong doings and repent to Allah (swt). This sister probably doesn't even know what is repentance. Apart from going to the church and confessing her sin to an imperfect human being
Many faiths, encourages people to follow their natural desired feelings and that is what she did, but Islam distinguishes between halal and harm feelings, which I think she is not yet aware of it.
I don't know, I hope I am wrong. I feel as though we are shouting and picking on her instead of advising her properly.
:-/
Walaikum salaam,
She has to be evaluated/scrutinized, because she doesn't realize what she is doing. The lust is all she is concerned with, as she never left the sin.
After her entire post, all she asks is for help to convince her lover to marry her.
Why is there defense of her possible ignorance, when it's made apparent that she was NOT ignorant of it? How can I say this? She admits it.
I'm not the type of person who is approachable to men even I'm a christian keep my distance with them and sometimes totally never talk to them.
The whole Christian 'difference' of your point just went away. Parveen, I respect you, but stop finding leeway for her. That's not helping at all.
If this were a man, and we've seen this occur here on this website as evidence, this post would be burning up with opposition to a man who would abandon his family, commit adultery over and over and then cry about it not working out in the end. My advice would not change, however.
This is an issue about the lower nafs of lust and how that has completely clouded her judgement and her thinking. She cries for her adulterous partner, but doesn't even come close to understanding what she has done all this time?
She's left her family, a little baby, modesty, chastity and dignity. She took her life as first and foremost, indulged in sin, enjoyed it and continued to do so. And now cries because it's all blown up and she isn't getting her way.
In the end, we all know what to call this. The fact that I haven't said it is only because it's the last piece of veil that she must lift from her own heart.
Thank you brother. I was not giving any leeway to this significant matter. I do not sympathise with her actions. At the same time my knowledge is limited so I can give so much so help and advice in here. I wish to pose as much or at least half of yours and some other members' Islamic knowledge in here. InshaAllah, I am working on this.
Earlier, the kind of advice that this sister recieved was full of anger and frustration, which was and still is totally (anger and frustration) acceptable but I felt it is equally important for her to get Islamic advice along side it, which Alhamdulillah eventually she did get from you. JazakAllah for that and sorry that I troubled you.
May Allah (swt) bless you good in this life and paradise in the hereafter, for your continous patience in here and giving your time to help those who are in the wrong path of Allah (swt).ameen.
lonely or not alone its still not an excuse to cheat on a husband there's a thing called knowing your limits.
Asalaam alaikum Parveen,
You show more patience that I do most of the times and this is a virtue that you have in greater amounts than I do. I wish I was half as good in this aspect, but I thank you profusely for being so kind enough to essentially "wake me up, too.
You are more than right as she is a new convert/revert and to come off so strong could make her leave the religion in the wrong instance. This will be a bane of my existence if I am not more careful in the future. Knowledge means nothing without kindness and this may be the crux of my humiliation in front of Allah (swt). For this, I owe every reader here, but especially the poster and yourself my apologies.
The truth is I don't know even a drop of what I wish and often times, I feel the most ignorant of everyone. What pathetic excuse can I offer our Lord? None. The standards I often proclaim to, I often fall short of, myself.
I am very sorry for coming off as obtuse, rude and aggressive.
By the way, I've been wanting to tell you for the past week, that your advice has been incredible as of late. I often read your posts and think, "Parveen has got it covered."
There is no blessing in this for me and I realize that. I put my argument before anything else, and I am just guilty of selfishness in this instance.
Please forgive me.
Asalaam alaikum,
Something I should keep in mind.
The Prophet (saw) asked: Oh Lord, and who are the seekers of this world and who are the seekers of the hereafter?
Allah (SWT) answered:
The seekers of this world is he who eats , laughs, and sleeps much. He who constantly becomes angry. He is rarely pleased. He does not apologize to those whom he hurts. And he does not accept the apology of others. When it comes to the obedience of Allah (SWT), he is lazy. But he is active and courageous in committing sins. His hopes are far even though his life is short. He does not blame himself. He is of little use to others, but speaks much. He fears Allah (SWT) little and is very joyful when presented with food. The seekers of this world are not grateful to Allah (SWT) during good times. They are impatient during hard times.
What people consider as much, they consider it as little. They praise themselves for the things they don’t do. And they claim for themselves what does not belong to them. They speak with what they wish. They mention the faults and defects of others, but they hide their virtues.
May Allah (swt) forgive me.
Salam Professor X brother,
Thank you, and no please don't apologies. This place is full-on, so we bound to have our moments here.
InshaAllah, see you around 🙂
Ps. Thanks for the hadith.
MashAllah!!! Indeed you are true Gentlemen brother Professor X, humble Muslim/Mu'min.
Let me express my sincere admiration to you. Your advises are full of wisdom and genuineness. I personally learn so much from your posts, Alhamdullilah .
The beauty of Islam shines thru your words very brightly.
May Allah (SWT) bless you with all the good of this life and hereafter.
May Allah (SWT) keeps us all in His Straight Path. Amen.
Salam sister Kharan,
First I would like to say Welcome to Islam. You made the right and bestest decision in your life for accepting Islam. Please always thank Allah (swt) for guiding you to His path.
Secondly, you made the wrong decision for falling into that Muslim man's words that he will die for you. A Allah-fearing Muslim would never use such words. From that point you should have realised that his state of emaan was weak but! I do not blame you for that because at that time you knew very little about Islam.
Thirdly, now that Alhamdulillah you have embraced Islam, please separate yourself from your non-Muslim husband (provided that he does not accept Islam within three months of you accepting Islam). A muslim female can only marry or be married with a Muslim brother.
Fourthly, please do not go back to that Muslim man. I do not think you will see Islam the way it should be seen or practised. What you should do is never to go back to him!!!
Fiftly, from now on, you need to focus on yourself and your child!!! Alhamdulillah, you seem independent and financially secure, so make use of your blessings wisely. Learn about Islam, practise Islam, become friends with good Muslim sisters, read good Islamic books, attend Islamic talks, do voluntary work, give sadaqa and much more. Also try your utmost to raise your child as good hearted Muslim! Make good and fruitful provision for your hereafter. With Will from Allah (swt) live a nice, clean/pure Muslim life.
Sixtly, when the time is right, seek to marry a good Allah-fearing, kind, caring Muslim brother, inshaAllah.
Try to minmise your worries and headaches by always praying and supplicating to your Creator Allah (swt).
May Allah (swt) make your challenges easy for you.ameen.
Your sister, Parveen
-x-
sister kharen,
i would say exactly what parveen has said.
mashallalParveen, Allah gave you wisdom to reply to sister khairan sensitively and in a non judgemental manners. others sadly were too much concentrating in being police of her character 'scrutinizing' and becoming decision makers of what she deserves and doesnt.astagfirullah.
Kharen, may Allah guide you and protect you.i think this man that you want to marry is refusing because he cant stand up for you. family pressure , social pressure , presssure of marrying you, and may be a realisation that you are actually convert, married before with a child. a lot of men have a rekindled faith when it comes to marrying someone they have used for their own desires. it is not usually faith ,its actuaaly inability to face the world that they want to marry someone their family dont approve of or they themselves dont approve of.
Asalaam alaikum,
Though my point was stressed aggressively, I find your non-judgmental view to be devoid of proper Islamic counsel. We are given the power to make judgments based on a person's behavior and character. That is always a given and there's plenty of Islamic evidence to support that. Not even the Holy Prophet wanted to bear the weight of hearing people's adultery, yet the people that confessed to him showed remorse. This latter point is absent in the post.
I may have taken a harsh tone, but you have gone the polar opposite. We can say that "what goes around comes around," in this instance. It seems within Divine Justice. I'm not sure why you would dismiss that?
Lastly, the man may be wanting to avoid the question: how did you two meet? Yet, it's not the community or family he cannot face, it's his own reflection in all likelihood. If he feels remorse and regret, though shadows it in another excuse, he is taking the best route for himself. The fact that it leaves the poster alone may bear more fruit towards her reformation in the end.
We cannot say that the ends justified the means or overlook it. It's un-Islamic to do so.
Asalaam alaikum,
As you have undoubtedly read, I do not extend much compassion for your situation. I shall attempt to explain why, however if you like me to expound upon my explanations, I will do so.
Islam is a social religion and it goes into great detail about respecting the rights of others. For the believer, the must the exercise two virtues in their life: honesty and trustworthiness. These are considered the great merits of the Holy Prophet Muhammad. A Muslim, or any person for that matter, who does not possess these is a lost soul.
So when you left your husband and your baby, who needed nutrition and comfort, morally you created a disaster against your own soul. This was further compoumded by your infidelity. Thus, by continuing to live with your lover even after the acceptance of Islam, you were still actively engaged in sin though you were not having sex. Part of forgiveness and repentance is leaving the sin entirely. You have yet to do that. There are other facts pointed out above that I won't bother repeating.
You are Islamically obliged to invite your Christian husband to Islam and refrain from any physical relationship till three menstrual cycles pass or three months. I have also read that it could be up to 4 months, but I'll clarify it later when I have the time. During this time, you must break off all contact with your illicit lover. It does not matter how badly the situation is between you two, as this is an ethical and Islamic point. Even if he is married to another or refuses to convert, you must observe the time period.
Another point is that you must truly seek forgiveness and repentance for the sins you have continued to do, i.e. living with your illicit lover and having an affair with him. Some scholars have suggested that you must also do this for previous sins, especially since you continued them after accepting Islam. I've had a debate on this issue before on this website, and I believe that your case is an example of why this is a strong opinion based on the oppression you caused your husband and child. Your personal sins of fornication before Islam is forgiven, but the continued sins against others must be amended for.
Islam is a religion in which we must make a spiritual, practical and conscious effort to leave sin behind. Until you take the time to do it, based on obligatory caution, you cannot marry your illicit lover. You must follow the Islamic edict, repent and then you can discuss marriage with him.
salawaat on the Holy Prophet.
By the way, someone might chime in with the hadith about all previous sins forgiven. It will not address a sin that was ongoing throughout the acceptance of Islam.
One might point the verse in Al-Furqan, as well. Keep in mind, that verse is conditional by the verses that follow.
Surah Al-Furqan
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful
Verse 70-77
Save him who repenteth and believeth and doth righteous work; as for such, Allah will change their evil deeds to good deeds. Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful. (70) And whosoever repenteth and doeth good, he verily repenteth toward Allah with true repentance - (71) And those who will not witness vanity, but when they pass near senseless play, pass by with dignity. (72) And those who, when they are reminded of the revelations of their Lord, fall not deaf and blind thereat. (73) And who say: Our Lord! Vouchsafe us comfort of our wives and of our offspring, and make us patterns for (all) those who ward off (evil). (74) They will be awarded the high place forasmuch as they were steadfast, and they will meet therein with welcome and the ward of peace, (75) Abiding there for ever. Happy is it as abode and station! (76) Say (O Muhammad, unto the disbelievers): My Lord would not concern Himself with you but for your prayer. But now ye have denied (the Truth), therefor there will be judgment. (77)
Verse 25:43
Hast thou seen him who chooseth for his god his own lust? Wouldst thou then be guardian over him?
in my opinion dont marry this man you already said you had misunderstandings maybe he realised his wrong doings and also you need to realise there's a child involved. Considering you being married in islam its a bigger sin once married to do what you done. I believe you have played these 2 men and you dont deserve either of them. My advise to you is if you don't love our husband anymore leave him. The muslim guy has left you because he didnt love you and he realised his mistakes too so move forward with your child and be thankful for that