I feel deceived after knowing the truth; I should not have married my husband until I was sure.
Assalam O Alaikum,
I converted to islam 4 years ago and met my husband 3 years ago. We met through a mutual friend.I asked him why have you never married we are both older he answered; I will tell you at a later time.I was a little suspicious after meeting him, his sister and her child because we never went to his family home. A few months later I asked him are you married he said yes I was furious and he had 2 children.I had great feelings for him and forgave him for this. His other wife knew about me and had given him his rights to marry me but said she couldn't meet me and of course I understood it took me a long time to come to grips with this myself. I had some problems with trusting any man because of a terrible history with my ex-husband. I left him for a while maybe a year but he never stopped calling me just to see how I was doing he said he just couldnt forget me I never stopped thinking of him day and night.
In 2010 we were talking and we both said at almost at the same time lets try again; such a happy day for me. A few weeks later he confessed his sister's little girl was actually his baby and I asked is she your wife he said no she is his sister. Again I forgave him as he said I was afraid you would leave me if I told you. He and his wife had divorced he said from the beginning they were never happy. I went back in Jan-2011 to his family home where I stayed as a guest for 4 months he said I dont want us to marry yet I want you to know my culture our customs our people and mostly to study each other. In June we decided to go to the embassy our first step to get my permission. I was dressed to go out the door and he sat me down and showed me another divorce paper where he was engaged and married a woman whom he never lived with she with her family and him with his family; he said she asked me for a divorce. I was shocked and furious to tell me such a thing moments before leaving. He acted as though he was shocked I was angry he said it wasn't a real marriage we never lived together and if I saw her on the street I dont know if I would even know her. I postponed going to Cairo.
One week later I went to his room to check my e-mail he was sleeping there in front of me was a conversation he had had with a woman on skype he had fell asleep and forgot to close it. I wish I had finished reading the whole thing but when I saw her words I love you and he responded I love you more and more I was furious again. He explained that She said I love you as meaning a friend that she is engaged to another man and he acted like I was wrong to think the way I did. His sister begged me not to leave I had grown to love her very much. In a few weeks I married him but we havent consumated our marriage as we live with 9 people including myself we wanted to wait till we have our own home. I came back to USA and asking myself what have I done? I've never caught him even in one lie in all this time but I feel deceived. I am taking my time to use sound judgement not just with emotions. I ask myself is this the way he will handle me in our marriage? I love his family his children very much and of course him but sometimes love is not enough. He treated me so well other than this. I should have postponed the marriage indefinitely until I was sure. I am beating myself up for going through with this marriage.
3 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaams,
You said you have not caught him any lies, but it appears to me you caught him in several. What you have done, is allowed yourself to be soothed by his explanations of the lies that you did catch him in, and believed whatever he told you so that you could continue a relationship with him without further suspicions. I don't blame you for this, because on some level we all practice self-deception when the alternative is too painful for us to face.
From the way it sounds, he has taken great efforts to hide parts of his life from you. He has not been up front and honest with you from the beginning, and he has tried to cage his explanations in a false sincerity so you would continue to trust him. Now you have gained distance from him and are starting to realize he is not all he appeared to be, and it is very likely your marriage will be surrounded by ongoing deceptions as well.
Sister, there are men who treat women well and don't need to lie to them or deceive them. Him treating you well shouldn't be a trade off for your own peace of mind as a wife. If you feel like getting an annullment would help you get your focus back and give you the assurance you may not feel you are getting as his wife, then no one could blame you for doing so. It's impossible to trust someone who hasn't shown themselves to be unflinchingly honest, and without trust a marriage can't stand securely.
You are at a crossroads sister: you can choose to do what you have already done with him, which is trust him in spite of his lack of trustworthiness, and perhaps find yourself in an even more painful place down the road; or you can consider your options that would dissolve the marriage and put you at ease that you won't be choosing a life of constant questions and inconsistencies. We can't tell you which road to take, but please weigh the consequences of each outcome thoughtfully, and make du'a to Allah for wisdom. I would even suggest making istikhara to find guidance on this matter as well. You will know the right choice is the one that brings the most peace to the deepest, purest part of your heart.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister i have a distant uncle who is on the 11th wife he has devoiced 10 that we no of, he is a lovely person that all the family love to be around he is so charming and intelligent and most of the women in the family when he leave's another wife cry and make Dua for him to finale settle down us younger lot are shocked at his behaviour and call him the serial husband he is in his 50s now so insha'Allah will stay settled. it just seem's like some men find it so hard to settle and be content and lieing and denying other relationships is so easy for them and saying "she did not mean anything to me" "i would not no her if she pasted me in the street" . all sound crazy if you really think about it, dont no if any of this helped you it just reminded me so much of that uncle of mine.
Sister,
I personally think the smartest thing you have done thus far is pack your bags to return home. Clear your head and truly consider if you are willing to spend your life with a man who tells you one lie after another. Your not even married yet...take a huge step back and truly consider things should you wed this man. You may be in for a lifetime of heart break.
Salam