Parents or boyfriend; my happiness or parent’s happiness, pride and face saving?
Here is my story abt hw my life changd cz of him...
Iam actly from very orthodox n traditious family. Though, iam from kerala(india), i ws born bought up in kuwait. We are two kids , me n my younger brother. My parents are both wrking and v love each adr a lot.
Here is hw i fell in love:
It ws thru a social site, I met him.. n i ws only 15 at dat tym. N he 20.
I added him by mistake wen i thought it ws my cuzin brothr, who i ws searchn with d same profile pik (dint knew much abt internet and al dat tym) .. He askd me, if i knew him.. Den only i recognzd it wsnt my brothr.
I apologsd him 4 addng n told him i'd added d rong persn. He sed it ws ok. Then introducd ourselvs.
He ws studng engineerng n had a sistr of my age.
Soon, v startd chattng n it ws al a new xperience 4 me.. V bcme frns soon..
V startd chattng almst evry night.. N den.. Wen I fnshd my schoolng, i came india to do d college.
Chatting became talkng.. N soon we started talking evry night.. I thought him so many duas.. N he hav changd so much for me..
Den, v realisd v wr in love. He went UAE 4 d job..
We stil dint meet each adr yet since we wer in diffrnt distrcts n al.
It ws a year latr aftr talkng and al, v plannd to meet. It ws my birthday, he came india, ws vry happy to see me.. I ws happy too.. Since, it ws yearz aftr waitng, v actly Met.
He gave me lots of xpensive gifts and dressz..
He askd me to kiss him.. I ws reluctant. Soon, d nex day, he kissd me.. N i kissd him too..
V huggd n touched each adr d latr nex day.. Bt dint have "sex" since i ws strongly opposing..
It ws hence the "3 days" i actly met him..
He went back to Work in UAE.. N I ws stil in india.. V continued talking thru fone..
Though i badly regrettd 4 wt v've done.. He gets angry wen i get sad abt it n tells since we wer gona marry, it aint wrong at al..
Bt deep in my heart, i ws askng Allah to forgive me..
He loves me so much, i talk to his famly evryday n dey love me too very much.. Nw iam 20, and proposals are goin on.
Wen, my parents came to knw abt him, dey strongly disagree..
My parents say deir family hav no much deen n al.. Bt acrdng to me, dey r wel religious. Most of al, evry1 in deir famly loves me.
Parnts dont talk to me until i marry from our own tradion n culture..
I love my parnts too..
Bt i love him very very much..
Its been months, him n me cryng. His family also vry heart broken. V loved each adr so much. His family did evrythng dey could.. Evn came to kuwait to propose!
My parents stil nt agreeing...
I dono wt to nw.. I feel so alone n sad wen i dont talk to him evn 4 a day . Hees more sensitive dan meee..
Wt to do nw....To either stick wd him or marry d one of my parents wish? I am so heart broken..
Cn i evr lead a happy married life with someone else??.. He says he shal nevr marry in his life.. Iam so scared.. Pls tel me wt to do?? My thoughts have no end...
Ahan123.
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Assalam'alaykum,
Sorry to say, but in your case, The satan is victorious. Satan has tricked you to social sites, then to chat with non mahram male then talk to non mahram male then meet him then be physical with him then finally broke your heart and very soon your family's heart. All the above is forbidden in Islam, but the damge has been done. This is the very reason why Allah ordered us to lower our gaze, do not follow satan and his false desires etc etc, now your faults put you in this heart broken situation. The law of Allah has been breached and ofcourse no doubt severe consequences will befall. Now its time to defeat the satan.
"And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Sura Al-Israa 32)
"And those who invoke not any other god along with Allah,... nor commit illegal sexual intercourse (zina) and whoever does this shall receive the punishment. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;.."(al-Furqaan 68-70)
"And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands.." ( 24:31)
"He (Satan) promises them and arouses false desire in them, but Satan doesn't promise them except delusions" (An-Nisa’: 120)
"I will mislead them, and I will create in them false desires;..Whoever, forsaking Allah, takes satan for a friend, hath of a surety suffered a loss that is manifest." (4:119)
"… But I (satan) had no authority over you except that I invited you, and you responded to me, so don't blame me, but blame yourselves…” ( Ibrahim : 22 ).
"And do not follow the footsteps of Satan, indeed he is to you a clear enemy. He only orders you to evil and immorality, and to say about Allah what you do notknow" (Al-Baqarah : 168-169)
Therefore, satan has got hold of your situation, STOP all forms of communication with that man. Fear Allah and His severe punishments. Repent sincerely for the sins you've committed before,
"And turn in repentance and in obedience with true Faith to your Lord and submit to Him, before the torment comes upon you, then you will not be helped. And follow the best of that which is sent down to you from your Lord (i.e. this Qur'an, do what it orders you to do and keep away from what it forbids), before the torment comes on you suddenly while you perceive not!" (49:54-55)
It is wrong Period. Who is he to know both of your future ? What if he don't get to marry you ? In this case he kissed and touched another man's future wife ! This is how corruption spread. Very bad. Our Prophet said, Its best to put an iron nail in your head than touch a woman who is non mahram. It forbidden in Islam.
Whatever that man told you, do not put full trust in it. He is a stranger online. Your parents told that his family is not religious and so they deny, but How did YOU know his famly are pious ? Infact their son justified intimate pre-marital relationship whereas you feared Allah and asked forgiveness, This is the difference.
You try and convince your parents to let you marry him, keep on trying untill there is no hope. If hope is lost, then you have no right to go ahead and marry him and in Islam, a marriage is invalid without the permission of your wali (guardian). In this case, you have to obey your parents and marry to their choice if reasonable. You might think that you won't be able to love someone else and lead a happy married life etc, don't worry, you WILL love and lead a happy married life insha'Allah. Your feelings for him are there since you were immature and there for the true love with Allah's blessings will be showered on you once married. Right now, its only satan's false love your feeling. If denied, dont ever contact him again. Delete fb. Do not disobey your parents, you've already disobeyed Allah. Do not break family ties and run away etc. Follow the Islamic law and do everything halal.
All these wouldn't have happened if you'd have followed Allah's law at the begining, would it ?
How to repent?
For repentance to be accepted by Allah,
1- Stop the sin.
2- Regretting deeply and truly for the sin you committed.
3- Return to Allah for forgiveness.
4- Strong intention never to return to that same sin again.
"Do not despair of God's mercy; He will forgive you of all your sins". Qur'an (39:53).
"Except those who repent, have faith and good deeds, those Allah will charge their sins for good deeds. Certainly Allah is most forgiving and merciful." (Qur'an 25:70)
Do your duties towards Allah. Fear him. Repent x100. Have patince and may Allah guide you. Pray Isthikhara too.
First of all you in haram relation . You know there is no such thing as boyfriend and girlfriend in Islam. Then you did zina which you shouldn't done it before married. But glad that you wanted to maintain this relation in Islamic and halal way. But unfortunately your parents not agreeing to it. If your parents won't agree in anyway then no time to waste to convince your parents because they won't change their mind.
I personally suggest you to listen to your parents. You don't know that guy much I mean there is no one who you can ask how is that guy or how his personality no third person knows him only you do. Maybe that's why your parents not feeling comfortable with it. Your parents knows the best. You are 20yrs it's best to let your parents to choose it for you. By that they will know the guy not only you. In future if anything bad happen with your married life then your parents will be involve to solve because they know that person and other relatives. Sister if you feel from bottom of your heart that your parents haven't done anything wrong with you then I don't think you should upset them. Don't forget your mother carried you 10months and faced lots of pain during giving you birth, there is no amount of money or other then we can repay their pain, hard work what we can do is only respect and listen to them and love them. You know if parents gets upset then Allah also get upset. Then it will be very difficult for you to maintain a happy married life without parents and Allah's blessings.
May allah bless you and guid you in right path.
Assalamualaikum my young sister,
You know what? Shaitaan should be exposed before he succeeds. What he does in order to have us commit the sin of Zina is first he makes us see the person 'by mistake', then see again and continue to do so until one of the two begin a conversation.
Then he shows how beautiful the world looks when both see it together, while it is actually a mirage.
Then they meet in privet and then kiss each other. When they meet later, they commit Zina - Shaitaan's mission accomplished.
You are in the middle stage and Shaitaan has worked hard for 5years to bring you here. You have the power to defeat him in a day or a week and bring his hard work to dust.
This man is no good for you, my sister. He will control your behavior and whenever you remind him of his sin, he will become angry. It is clear from the statement you made:
" He gets angry wen i get sad abt it n tells since we wer gona marry, it aint wrong at al."
Sin is a sin and can never be Halaal. He is a non Mahram to you and is not allowed to touch you. The next time he meets you (if you allow that to happen), you both will go to the next level of touching each other, and the next time, the next level, until you both do Zina. You will then reget and wish you had never done it. So why not take precaution before the wrong happens?
Do Tawbah for the mistakes you have made and forget this man. Forget the idea that he can be good for you. Remove him off your social network. In short: cut all your contact with him. If required, even deactivate or delete your online profile, remove your pictures from the intrnet and let it all end. If he calls you, tell him that you are in no position to let Shaitaan succeed, and ask him never to call again. If he keeps calling, change your number or block his number.
My sister, take this advise and do Tawbah in order to Please Allah and obey your parents.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I'd loved my parents always and they loved me too... I can never stand tears shed bcz of me.. May it b him or my parents..
Bt, Since aftr my parents rejectd his proposals and constnd calls, i did not make any efforts to talk to my parents..din coll dem ovr fone nor Did nt pickup deir col... Bcz, HE and whole family of his loves me... And keeps reminding me hwmuch dey al care for me..
But wt happnd was,
my Mother ws sad bcz of me and hence, enquired about HIS FAMILY.. And made a detaild study..
It seems, His many relativs al are very religious people...bt his parents are'nt (his mother and sister dont wear headscarvs . Dey live in much modern way.. ) Bt our family is bought up completly in an islamic way of dressng..
Since i had been moodoff for few months, dey AGREED.. Provided dat i fulfil my promise to make him pray evryday and continued teaching him duas.. They agreed to marry me to him..
Bt i've nevr told abt d relatinshp we've shared. ( kissng etc)..
But nw Iam in delimma.. True dat, I ws upset with dem for not lettng me marry him and also HIS cries echos in my heart, and him telling he wld rather die without me, n blackmails me as to hw even I can liv without him etc...
But wen my parents, though , not themselvs happy tries to make me happy, i feel i shouldnt upset dem by marrying him...
But again, HIS CRIES AND WORDS echoes in mine... And my mind wonders weder i wil b happy if i marry someOne else...
Hence,
I jst dono wt to do..
I love my parents for what dey hav done until nw, even though it ws frm d opinions of my relativs.. Since, i ws just so much upset and nt talking wid anyone..
Pls tel me.. My mind goes changing..
Istikhaara results mixd and not specific..
I hav howevr stopd al contact with him and deactivated my account.. But he sends me email, making me mentally weak and weak...
Assalam'alaykum,
Okay, so you did wrong by avoiding calling your parents and ignoring their calls as well. I believe, you're in India now and your parents are in kwt, they will ofcourse be worried about your well-being, whereabouts etc, and so therefore stop ignoring them. Repent for this sin too. Allah commanded us to respect and obey our parents many times in Quran,
"and we have enjoined man in respect of his parents -- his mother bears him with faintings upon faintings and his weaning takes two years-- saying: be grateful to me and to both your parents ; to me is the eventual coming" (31:14)
"and serve allah and do not associate any thing with him and be good to the parents and to the near of kin.." (4:36)
"and your lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but him, and goodness to your parents . if either or both of them reachold age with you, say not to them (so much as) "ugh" nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word.." (17:23)
"say: come i will recite what your lord has forbidden to you-- (remember) that you do not associate anything with him and show kindness to your parents.." (6:151)
Regarding your situation, its a difficult one to cope. Since your parents have conditionally agreed to your marriage, I think its naive to 'promise' that you will make him pray everyday and teach him du'as. Guidance comes from no one but Allah. If that man is brought up in a modern home ( modern muslim ), then its difficult to change him religiously. No matter what, forcing/pressuring him to pray 5 daily prayers can be irritating and annoying if one isn't pious. A home where muslim mother, daughters etc aren't observing hijab etc, I'm not suprise that he justified intimacy before marriage. Modern/liberal muslims are really disturbing. True muslims are the ones whom they call a ' fundamentalist '. Yes we muslims should be a fundamentalist just as how the Prophet Muhammad ( SAW ) is. Therefore, its obvious that your parents fear that you may fall victim to unIslamic practices and bad home. And to make a promise to change a human being to obey Allah isn't going to work. What if you cannot fulfill that promise ? Then it becomes another sin which will be questionable on the day of judgement.
Its always best for your parents to let you marry unconditionally. They have to be happy about this marriage. They should be willing and put trust in Allah. Islam guides that neither the parents should force their children in marrying someone of their choice whom their child does not approve of; nor should their children force or coerce or threaten their parents to marry them to someone of their choice whom their parents disapprove of but rather both the parents and the child should fear Allah , consult each other, and unanimously agree on the choice; that would be akin to piety and righteousness in the Sight of the Allah.
But that man who you wish to marry isn't doing right once again when he tries to blackmail you. No matter what he do, you should be least bothered. If he can't live without you then let him seek Allah's help instead of twisting Islam or emotionally blackmailing you etc. His actions are totally his and he will be held accountable for what bad he does and be rewarded for his good. For now try to ignore that man's cries, pleas etc and not your parents. Be strong and have patience.
Talk to your parents camly, make sure that, you and your parents come to a happy conclusion. Both you and your family should be happy of the person you're going to marry. Do more research on that man.
If the final outcome is to marry him, I pray that you won't be influenced by their modern way of life and adopt not their unIslamic lifestyle. I pray that you follow the footstep of how religious your parents are.
Do not hasten. It also seems as though you might have some feelings to go against this marriage. Whatever it is, its always best to see parents happy about their daughter's marriage.
If the outcome is to leave him, then you don't have to worry about being happy with someone else, because you WILL be insha'Allah. Perhaps some people are influenced by what is relentlessly propagated by the media, movies and TV serials, day and night, thinking that a marriage will not be successful unless it is based on a pre-marital relationship between the young couple to achieve perfect harmony between them and secure a successful marital life. This is complete falsehood.
Sister love definately comes after marraige, never before it. When you live with someone, eat with them, interact with them, sleep with them, play with them etc naturally your heart opens up to them, LOVE will grow only then between the two and hapiness follows it. Love before marraige is mostly not true, yes you can have "like", " crush", "infatuation" etc before marriage but true love only grows when you go through thick and thin with another individual, so inshAllah have patience, wait and watch. May Allah gudie you.
Wa Alaikumussalaam..
Thankyou for understanding and replying.. Days are geting painful by evry passing minute..
I've cut al cntact wd him nw .. Also, He dint sent me any msgs in my email (since i'v deactivatd fb) .. And its going to be 1 week...
Yes, my parents are in kwt and me india..
Wel.. My mother wil be coming india day aftr tomrw..
Parents want a quick move wotevr my decisn mayb..
Since am 20 and and people already asking me y not marrying me and al..
Parents say dey hav absolutely no pbm wtevr d dcisn i take since dey hav no pbm nw wid his family and jst dey want to hurry dis up...
I dono.. My mind is stil nt fixd and it makes evrybdy angry but me so much tensd ( and iam so unwell, fevr etc)
parents hwevr reminds me of dier culture too..as dey are people of far away difrnt district ...and wheras, we people marry frm d nearby by not getng marrid off far ..
My tensns nw is dat..
He had always learnd or atleast tried learning wen i tel him to.. It makes me so much haappy den... Also, he promisd me he'l always make me happy.
In short, he sincerily and truly loved me..
Mother hwever nw confuses me by askng wt if he dont pray or learn duas in futre.. if he/we both get busy.. He cant learn etc.. She says..
And dat she wld no dbt make me marry d one with good deen..
She says, d ball in my court and dat ITS ME who hav to make a dcisn and dat my Parents wont, in any case, since dey feel dey shldnt b blamed if any pbms arise in futre frm dis relation...
It makes me so sad.. And tensd and lonely..
I hav nevr made any decisn in my life yet.. Not even for d vry smal thing.. ( and dey knw it )
mayb dey are angry with me for hiding so many thngs frm dem.. I knw dey are..
Wt wil i do nw?..
But den if i wer to marry another man, wt am i going to do with d gifts he gave me? Diamnd ring, dis mobile, dress etc..
It kills me wen i even think abt hw much he spent for me.. And love he showerd on me..
Also, wt shld i tel my new husbnd abt my previous relatnshp?
He hav got my fotos and der was a foto we clickd togthr.. Wt if sumday, he blackmail me with it.. I trust him.. Bt he wld b so much angry with me, i dono wt'l he do..
Can i forget him??? Please help me to arrive at a conclusion..
Hope you and yours are well.
You said,
but then you said,
and finally you said,
By reading all these point, I believe that your parents aren't really happy/satisfied about this marriage. They seem to be against this marriage. They're pressurizing you to hasten, so that you might give up as you yourself are confused. Even though they might have told you that its truly your decision, their frequent chats about that boy's religious commitment and caste is hinting towards their unsatisfaction. They may pity you for being heart broken right now, thats why they tried to give you the sense of freedom to make your decision. This statement
only proves that they are against this marriage. If they aren't then what may be the reasons for the above said points ?
I really wished, he would do his Islamic dutied as Allah told him to and not only when you tell him to. His religious duties are commanded by Allah and so he shouldn't do just to prove to you his sincererity. Whatever his intention is, Allah knows best. There is a form of shirk called as ' riya' (hidden shirk) where people perform deeds of worship just to showoff their sincererity. Therefore, check with that boy's friends or relatives of his religious commitment and knowledge.
I would advise you NOT to fall for this sweet talks. Know that, many men talks/promised their gf/fiance the same way this boy did to you, some kept their words while other deceived. Inorder to get someone we like, the tactic is to use sweet catchy words lol.
Basically, you just have to sincerely discuss with your parents about your situation. Marriage is a big step in one's life and since you're only 20 yrs old, I wouldn't advise taking it lightly or making a sole decision. You have to include all the senior members of your family. Ask their advice and opinions on this matter. Do more research on that boy. Make sure your parents are willing to let you marry him, so that they don't taunt you later if problem arise. Whatever is decided, hope its the best.
If he wants them back, return them. If not, then dispose them. I said so because, if you were to marry another man, then these items would bring back old memories which isn't healthy for the marriage.
You don't need to tell your husband-to-be about your past relationship. Just repent sincerely. Regarding those photos, if there's a way to get hold of them like asking his parents to delete them without his consent or his relatives can do it etc ( I wouldn't advise either ), if not, then trust in Allah that nothing bad would happen. Infact, if you've deleted your fb, then just change your number, email etc so that he won't be able to track you down and blackmail you.
If you WILL, you can. Everybody can, feelings do not last long. Before making a final decision first, make a list of all the pros and cons of this proposal and leave aside emotions. See that all side are truly happy. I really wouldn't advise you to marry him, instead make your family happy and obey them maybe, you'll eventually forget him and you'll eventually be happy with whoever your husband to be is insha'Allah. If you go on with this marriage, behind your mind, you'll be sad that your family aren't happy about your decision maybe. The reason, I advised you to go against this marriage is because of his and his family religious commitment. Mordernist indeed but Allah knows best.
Since you're soo confused, my final advise would be to sincerely pray salat al istikhara, have full trust and submit to Allah. Follow the guidance of istikhara insha'Allah. Pray 5 daily prayers, make lots of du'as and repnt.May Allah ease your mind and guide you. Ameen.
Parents had been in India for few weeks.... Bf and his family were going on calling my dad and Mom, giving my parents and family really miserable time....
When i told him i chose to marry according to my parent’s wish , he was blackmailing me... and threatens me that he will show the photos to my parents.... I have never seen his angry face like this.... he screamed wen i sed i cant marry him... he called me a Cheat...
and now iam just so much frightened....
he says he wanted to show my whole family hw stupid gal iam dat evn after him touching and kissng me, i can live with another man..... he says iam a gal wid No IMAN....
His dad called my dad later day and told him dat he hav proof of my love towrds his son ( he meant fotos )... bt my dad dint undersrand and asked abt d proof thing ( as my family dont know we've already met)....i love my father soo much... i dont want to break their trust on me....
Today i reached back to kuwait wid parents as i hav holidays.... i thought i wld stay strong and tel him it was by his force dat v kissed... And my love for my parents is so much more dan him and that, i shal ask forgiveness to Allah... But den, he got so angry and went to the extend of calling me bad words... and sed iam nt even a true Muslimah..
He sed he wil call my dad right away and started calling him... bt i lied to him saying dad is out and forgt his phone at home ( at d same time, told my dad not to pick up his call as i haven’t made up my mind stil )
My poor parents dont know anything..... dey even hav agreed to let me marry him if i love him so much...
Iam sure, if i say my parents iam marrying him out of fear, dey wil not allow it...
Later i begged and begged and hence i told my boyfriend not to call my relatives or parents and dat i shal marry him..i asked him forgiveness for what i hav sed and done .. ( out of fear )
Suddenly, the attitude of my boyfriend changed... frm dat anger face to the crying face.. he started crying and told his is doing al dose only to get me and dat he cannot love anyone adr dan me.... i am so confused even abt his attitude nw ...
Maybe he hav bcum a sort of emotionally unstable bcause of love or is is his stuborness to marry me...
wotever it is, i hav no choice adr dan marrying him.... i leave everything to Allahh....
i love my parents more dan evrythingggg and i cant hurt dem anymore...... i hav already hurt dem enough...
Its My fault... i was young... i fell in d trap... i understand al my mistakes i hav done .... with true heart , i feel regret and guilt
It was a heart filled with infatuation and curiosity of so called new love and care.... ....
But today, i feel no love for him... I hav understood every of my mistakes.... and hence i feel i don’t deserve any other person...
What i hav done was haraam..... what if my parents/new husband one day get d truth from him.... i shld never let dier lives get spoiled because of me.... iam 100% sure he will ruin my life if i don’t marry him...
Therefore, Let dis life on earth be a test....
I may say to my parents who is waiting for my response as “YES, i want my bf’ ...... Bcz, it is better dan hurting my parents by letting dem know d truth through him......
I donno what else to do......
Parents had been in India for few weeks.... Bf and his family were going on calling my dad and Mom, giving my parents and family really miserable time....
When i told him i chose to marry according to my parent’s wish , he was blackmailing me... and threatens me that he will show the photos to my parents.... I have never seen his angry face like this.... he screamed wen i sed i cant marry him... he called me a Cheat...
and now iam just so much frightened....
he says he wanted to show my whole family hw stupid gal iam dat evn after him touching and kissng me, i can live with another man..... he says iam a gal wid No IMAN....
His dad called my dad later day and told him dat he hav proof of my love towrds his son ( he meant fotos )... bt my dad dint undersrand and asked abt d proof thing ( as my family dont know we've already met)....i love my father soo much... i dont want to break their trust on me....
Today i reached back to kuwait wid parents as i hav holidays.... i thought i wld stay strong and tel him it was by his force dat v kissed... And my love for my parents is so much more dan him and that, i shal ask forgiveness to Allah... But den, he got so angry and went to the extend of calling me bad words... and sed iam nt even a true Muslimah..
He sed he wil call my dad right away and started calling him... bt i lied to him saying dad is out and forgt his phone at home ( at d same time, told my dad not to pick up his call as i haven’t made up my mind stil )
My poor parents dont know anything..... dey even hav agreed to let me marry him if i love him so much...
Iam sure, if i say my parents iam marrying him out of fear, dey wil not allow it...
Later i begged and begged and hence i told my boyfriend not to call my relatives or parents and dat i shal marry him..i asked him forgiveness for what i hav sed and done .. ( out of fear )
Suddenly, the attitude of my boyfriend changed... frm dat anger face to the crying face.. he started crying and told his is doing al dose only to get me and dat he cannot love anyone adr dan me.... i am so confused even abt his attitude nw ...
Maybe he hav bcum a sort of emotionally unstable bcause of love or is is his stuborness to marry me...
wotever it is, i hav no choice adr dan marrying him.... i leave everything to Allahh....
i love my parents more dan evrythingggg and i cant hurt dem anymore...... i hav already hurt dem enough...
Its My fault... i was young... i fell in d trap... i understand al my mistakes i hav done .... with true heart , i feel regret and guilt
It was a heart filled with infatuation and curiosity of so called new love and care.... ....
But today, i feel no love for him... I hav understood every of my mistakes.... and hence i feel i don’t deserve any other person...
What i hav done was haraam..... what if my parents/new husband one day get d truth from him.... i shld never let dier lives get spoiled because of me.... iam 100% sure he will ruin my life if i don’t marry him...
Therefore, Let dis life on earth be a test....
I may say to my parents who is waiting for my response as “YES, i want my bf’ ...... Bcz, it is better dan hurting my parents by letting dem know d truth through him......
I donno what else to do......
he is asking me forgiveness.... he is begging me to forgive him......
wen i told him iam marrying him out of fear.... he sed am free to go.... don marry him and al...
but now..... he is begging me to forgive him... he begsing me to take him backk.... am left soo confused agaain.... he is sending so much emotional messages agaaain.... i donno if he can stop sending dese messages....
what should i do..?????....
Allah knows best but this guy seems like bad news. Seriously you need to marry for the right reasons. Marrying out of fear or blackmail or guilt is a BAD reason to marry. A very very bad reason. He is playing with your feelings to try and 'get' you. But marriage is not a game - you need to carefully consider a prospective spouse to see how he is beforehand.
I also would have severe reservations about someone who tried to blackmail you. How long will this go on for? What else will he do if you keep him in your life? There is no guarantee that by marrying him he will stop blackmailing you. Have you been doing Istikhaarah - it may be this could be the outcome of it. Sometimes a person shows their true colours after wards.
All in all you know what the answer is. It lies in your heart. If you marry do it for the sake of Allah. As for the person you marry the relationship should be you want to make the other person happy and he wants to make you happy. Try to take your emotions out of the equation, ask Allah to save you from this man and step away. Maybe change numbers if necessary
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
SIster assalamualaikum
Hope you are fine and in better spirits now.i am in a similar situation as you were then.since a long time has passed I hope you must have arrived on one conclusion by now.if you could tell me what you decided and how you find your decission now.i genuinely hope with all my heart whatever you decided you are satisfied by that.i also dnt want to hurt my parents anymore...enough pf that I have already done but I fear my boyfriend like hell.i have prayed istikhara leaving everything on Allah but I cudnt interpret anything.please suggest me with your experience what I should do..my situation is exactly like yours..exactly.my bf blackmailing abuses and then crying sorries confusing me.i have very loving parents just like you..i feel sorry for them for what i did to them.o had exactly similar physical encounters with him and he disrespected me exactly like your bf did to you.please do tell me what I should do.i have to make a Quick decission.
May Allah give you a better return for this help.and may He bless you always.
I feel sad for the sister here. This reminds me of something that happened with my extended family on my sisters husbands side...
She is Palestinian living in the US and very sweet, although born a bit subnormal in regards to her speech and appearance. She was also always very self conscious as her sisters are ok looking, she is the only one with a disability. But still, she found someone online who was a modest, surprisingly handsome man that lived in Lebanon. He was a hair barber and cut mens hair.
They spoke and spoke and she was so desperate for marriage that she convinced her father to fly her and her brother and him to Lebanon to meet the boys family and secure a marriage proposal. They went, but when they got there the girls father surprised everyone when he demanded a $100,000 USD dowery only to be paid upon divorce. The father was afraid the Lebanese boy wanted either US citizenship which she has, or wanted to marry then abuse her because of her mental disability that she would not be treated properly and honorably in the home. He thought this would basically burn the fields to find the snake, and that if he really loved her, he would stay. However, instead, he made himself look suspicious and made the girl look like maybe even more was wrong with her (which was not).
The boys family was surprised and said 'we are a modest family, can't afford that much money..'
I guess they stayed in Lebanon for a week and over that time his friends and family convinced and scared him into the idea that something wasn't right about the intentions of the father, that he would be stuck in marriage forever with that kind of a dowery, etc. The proposal dissolved and the girl and her father and brother returned to the US where they were living.
To this day, the girl is not married and she cried and cried for that boy and the life she could have had with a person that was so beautiful she never thought she deserved someone that looked like him as even I can say he was handsome. She had a huge emotional breakdown, and now is still single, unmarried, knows how to cook every kind of food, sew every kind of hole in your clothes, clean every dish and soothe every child as she has many siblings. She's 'over qualified' to be a wife... with no husband.
Who knows what would have happened if the father never made that demand, but I know that parents are responsible for destroying worlds and worlds of marriages for the silliest reasons that they will never be able to justify to Allah SWT, but still their children pay for the decisions with their lives and happiness. I feel for you and know your culture, so your parents will likely never come around, although it's not impossible. Just pray and pray, but also take your life into your own hands as is your right as long as all that you do is Halal... also stop all non halal relations and take it completely pure from here on out, keep your physical distance until you're married.
Salam