Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am pregnant and my husband seems so angry with me all the time. Please help

Violent abusive husband choking his wife

He has an affair, but she is the victim

hi this is my first time on something like this but bear with me. i am an irish girl who converted to islam 3 years ago, masallah. it was the best step  i have ever taken in my life. i thank my husband and his very supportive family for that. i am 27 years old and i am pregnant by the grace of allah.  4 months ago i lost my baby boy when was 7 months pregnant. it was probably the hardest thing i have ever been through. i had to deliver my son naturally with great difficulty, i am even crying while typing this email . i cannot talk about it much as its still very fresh to me its only been 4 months. i then got pregnant unexpectedly 2 months later. now here i am.

during my first pregnancy my husband put me under a lot of stress and pressure with his constant fighting and ignoring me. he is a narcissist. i never blamed my husband for the loss of our son, i would never do that as i think he already blames himself a lot for it.  these things happen in life and i firmly believe allah is testing me. so i stayed strong and prayed to allah for another baby. my faith was being tested.during my first pregnancy my husband kept telling me who is the father of my son. he suspected me of having an affair which i would never do, i love my husband so much, words can't even begin to explain how much i love him.  i will admit i had a very good male friend at work but nothing ever happened ,but my husband won't talk to me or listen to any of MY problems. i am only human i need someone to talk too. i always always listen and help him with his problems ,i listen to his day at work but he NEVER cares enough to ask me how my day is, or am i ok. i am so fed up with leading a one sided relationship but i have found ways to deal with it. i was so hurt when he would accuse me of having an affair, he even told me if i wanted to leave i could, he was willing to give up on our marriage so easily over something which didn't even take place , that hurt me so much. i then lost the baby. we buried him, muhammad muzamil. so beautiful. an angel .

after that things got so much better for a while, after 4 weeks of my baby dying he decided to go on holiday for 2 weeks with work and left  me alone.when i really needed someone at that time.first week was ok , second week i found him lying about who he was going with. it was all girls and him. the night before he left i caught him lying about something on his phone ,which he then in turned hid from me, i was so down about my son i never made it an issue. but i am pretty sure he had  an affair, once again i never made an issue out of it.  a few days later when he returned home his nephew was playing with his laptop where he came across pictures of the girls who went on holiday with him. he once told me i was so ugly he wouldn't take a picture of me as the picture would burn. i took it politely as joke as someone was their when he said it, so heart breaking he could d0 this to me. i got so angry i smashed his laptop. and had to explain myself later that night, i still didn't make a issue of it, just stayed quiet. may i add first anger issue from me in my marriage in 3 years.

after 8 weeks things were right back to normal my husband was complaining about money so i had to return to work even though i was not physically strong enough and my job is very physical work as  a nurse. he started fighting, ignoring me, complaining about my weight , i kept telling him i literally just had a baby u need to be patient for my body to go back to normal. now i am pregnant again and i fear for my babies life because of the way he behaves. he got so angry the other day he pushed me over , i knocked my leg and it got infected, i then had to take a course of antibiotics, which i never mentioned i didn't want any issue. I feel like i am a good wife , i am loyal, i clean,cook,do his clothes for work every day! i never complain about the things i DONT  have in life, i send money to his parents, i love his family, i converted, i don't go out,I dress well,i look after my appearance, i am kind, loving and most of all i love him so much, what more can i do? i feel like i am literally walking on egg shells at home, i don't know if he will be in a good mood or a bad mood when he comes home from work. i don't see him all week and our day off he literally spends with his laptop or camera, i am grateful he doesn't go out to the pub or anything like that, but i am a woman and i need to be loved. i need and want to feel wanted by my husband. i don't have friends here in uk as he doesn't like me to go out which i am fine with but its hard to maintain relationships here if u don't go out.i don't have family here, his brother who i am very close to. but i don't tell his family whats going.

my point here is how long can i carry on like this? i fear for my babies life and i feel so alone. i spend most of my time crying over things he has said or done. how unfair is that! i have tried to talk to him MILLIONS of times but i am always the one who is in the wrong and i end up apologising. he cannot see ver he is wrong. so thats why i am constantly saying i don't make an issue out of it and no mayyer how dishonest he is, he will NEVER tell me the truth about his cheating. but all i really  want is my baby to be safe and i want to be in a relationship where i can say whatever i want,where i am  not fearful or scared of him. i also do not want my children growing up believing its ok to treat people like this. i want my kids to have confidence and be in a stable relationship, as they deserve that.

i should mention he changed for a while after i lost my son, which was great. i loved him and i loved being around him. i do still love him deeply but day by day i am loosing my love and most importantly my RESPECT for him. his family are well aware of his behaviour, especially his father and he disapproved greatly, but does not live here and he feels he does not want to interfere in my marriage.

i just need some help form the muslim community as anyone i ever spoke to from who i used to be , just said leave, divorce, separation and i am willing to do everything i can before i even consider this step. please bear in mind i love him very much. i am just tired of his behaviour.

please someone help.



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4 Responses »

  1. i was about to say may be take divorce, but since u r determined to try to build on this relationship, u can contact me for emotional support, im a female, and i will give u advice too in sha Allaah. email ID **********

    plz dont talk to non mahrams, this is haram, be friends with us females instead. hope everything goes well for u. u do seem like a very good wife, and dont deserve such bad treatment. u have pretty much done what u could have done. i think u may want to go to marriage counsellor with ur hubby to deal with this issue, and may be do get a family member involved to intervene, especially his father who knows about the problem, and also get to know of better ways to communicate ur feelings and so on so that he will listen hopefully, and tell him about islam and the kind treatment that the wife has a right to. but sister plz dont wait for too long for him to change, if he doesnt change then i think u should get seperated sis, i know its hard but thats probably the best thing to do then for u and ur child.

    (I removed your email address. We don't allow posting of private contact information. If you have advice to offer, please do it here, as you have done. - Editor)

    • i dont remember everything right now, and emailing would have been easier perhaps. more importantly, i thought itll be best to get in touch with her, if she wanted to, because she doesnt seem to have any females friends, and is therefore turning to male friends, which is haram, so it would be good for her to get in touch with sisters for comfort.

  2. ASA sister. Alhumdulilah you are muslim and through all your trials you have been having, you have been steadfast in your belief. Dont waiver . Sister you have done everything. Talking and all hasnt helped. A marriage cant function with one side doing all the work. He is not a chikd and you are not a doormat. Be strong bcis you risk losing your pregnancy again bcos of his foolishness. We have to blame ourselves sometimes allowing someone to treat us badly. You can offer to go to an imam and have counseling with him present and request a separation (iddah) and in ask him to leave the home temporarily. If he doesnt change then you can divorce. ALLAH swt doesnt want us in misery to test our faith in him. You are pregnant this is supposed to be the best time of your life and if he cant respect you whike you are going through this he isnt worth your time. Somstimes we are tested and sometimes we simply need to learn to grow a backbone and now allow mistreatment . Sometimes the problem is our lack of havong limits on how we allow others to treat us. Sister if you separate and he moves on freely, he never wanted to be there in the first place but sometimes people need a warning to stop bad behavior.

  3. sister,

    Alhamdullilah you hav reverted to islam and you have been patient with your husband. But pateince is not always a virtue if the situation is getting worse instead of better. I emphasize with you as i had been going through problems with my husband for the last 3 years. i was being mistreated n not getting any of my rights or my kids rights. my situation was more worse as my husband didnt pay a penny and was seeing other women and taking drugs. still i loved him alot and we were married for years. i tried desperately to change him and making him leave all the bad things. i got family relatives involved. he was set curfews and swore never to lie. but still he wouldnt change he kept reverting back to the wrong things. finally i relized the more i tried to help him the situation got worse. i decided to divorce nw as he will never chane. sometimes no matter how desperately you want to fix something you just cant! no matter how desperately you love them they dont appreciate it. instead they get worse. i never wanted to leave my husband and never wanted it to come to this but he wouldnt change his ways so i had to leave cause i was living in misery. i know it is the hardest thing to leave domrone you love but dometimes its for the best.

    i dont know wat else you can try with your husband as you dont have any familyhere. so maybe get an imm involved. tell his brother about it. beg his relatives and friends to speak to him.and you need to be firm with him. don't play the doormat! the more you allow it the more he will rub his feet in it. ! make it known to him when you are not happy with something. tell him that he has to stop talking to other women! and do not apologise! do not ever accept that you did anything wrong make it known to him clearly that he is wrong. sucking up to him will not make you any happier. the worst torment is when someone is mistreating you and you know it and you dont stand up to it. at least you will feel a bit of self worth if you stand up and speak up. tell him if he lays a hand on you you will call the police. and keep praying to allah that he changes

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