Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I suspect my wife of being unfaithful

suspicion 1

Hi - 5 years ago my wife cheated on me and I have no proof. She informed me that she got STD when she went to see the doctor. I told her that she probably slept with someone and then she said why would I have told you about the STD if i had slept with someone.

She said she got from using the dirty toilet. This is my suspicion but i am unable to prove it. This handy man use to come to our house when I was at work to fix few things. The last time I encounter this handy man and gave him the check he never cashed and never showed up again. My suspicion is she might've had sex with him. She swear on Quran and every surah and my kids that she never had sex with anyone after marriage. My suspicion arise when this handy man didn't cash the check and disappeared. I dont know how to trust my wife.

Last year, she get caught chatting with her ex-boyfriend through Facebook. She admitted it and apologised and promised she will never contact him. I am having this problem where I cant trust her anymore but she swears and promised that she never cheated on me by having extra marital sex or etc. She only admit the mistake about chatting with her ex-boyfriend. I told her i want divorce since I can't trust her. She is saying provide me with a proof that she cheated. She doesn't want to leave me. But I can't live with her with doubts in my mind. Please advise what should I do. Should I forgive her since she is mothe of my 3 boys and very beautiful and caring mother. I just lost my trust.

Junaid786


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21 Responses »

  1. Don’t live a life like that , it’s obvious she has done it , it’s not about the cheque and handy man not turning up , obviously she’s told him that you know , can you live like that now ? It’s her duty to convince you , she has failed and to save her marriage she is using oath in direction of Allah , be a man , see it from the handy man eyes , what would you do if you slept Wth a woman and her husband suspected u, would you be brave enough to turn up ?
    You would get it mate
    Say Allah is Great and kick her out ,you deserve better
    ALLAH SUFFICETH ME: THERE IS NO GOD BUT HE: ON HIM IS MY TRUST,- HE THE LORD OF THE THRONE (OF GLORY) SUPREME! (9:129)
    Dear brother be brave InshaAllah
    May Allah fGuide you and forgive me if I have used my experience to guide you
    Pray for me too , I’m in the same boat , but I’m not afraid

  2. Akhi my advice is simple Im a Muslim and I see marital affairs in black and white..

    If when your wife is married to you talks to any man 'behind your back' & hides or lies about it I would Divorce her to me that is unforgiveable and how can you trust someone only if they are sorry because they got caught?

    You cannot get a STD from a dirty toilet..

    She lied to you once about something dead serious there is no excuse when she got married to you she knew what she was getting into..

    Same deal applies for sisters if your husband was to see or speak to a woman behind your back and lies to you divorce him..

    NO ONE SHOULD PUT UP WITH LIARS..

    Love and commit to your wife or husband otherwise be prepared to be alone.

    May Allah SWT give you strength brother.

  3. Forgive and forget you have kids they will go astray without caring parents.

  4. Aslualilum
    i have been married for 1 year now my husband thinks im cheating, i lovehim but he says ive done something with his brothers. He is blaming me for getting angry, hes acusing me for something i have never done. Help me? What shpuld ii do??it was love marriage, hes starting to be vilant npw startong to cause arguments. I dont think he loves me?? He keeps trerhning me for divorce?

  5. Salami Sister,

    I am sorry that I have to use a language like that, but there's no other possibility than that. If there would be another way of explaining, I would have taken these roads. But like you said, it's a ugly language that I use, and how it 's in real. We on this forum use the word "affair " like it's something normal. But this affair means that someone who is married betrays his spouse. Sometimes we use words like they have no great affection on our self, but they do indeed have if we face the Situation on our self.

    "Say: What's love?
    Love is... "

    "Love is still growing. Love is not ending. Love has no Limitation? "

    "What kind of love can be this, that it can withstand it. "

    "It's the love to be a loyal serveant towards God. Nothing can be between me and my Lord. My love is greater than my enemity to devil. Indeed I believe that there's no God than Allah and that Mohammed is his serveant and your messenger. "

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    Brother, before taking any drastic action, it would be important to consider alternative explanations. Eg:
    - Some diseases that are classed as STDs can be caught in other ways - for example, blood borne infections can occasionally be transmitted as a complication of surgery or blood transfusions - it may be worth speaking with your wife and/or her doctor to find out if this could be a possibility.
    - Some STDs, such as herpes, can lie dormant for many years and not necessarily indicate a recent infidelity.

    I would urge you not to jump to divorce, as that could break up your family. It might help instead to talk things through with your wife, to try counselling (ideally with a therapist experienced in Islamic family values), and to try to re-build the trust and love between you both. Remember that this is the mother of your children, and a woman who you have trusted and relied on thus far in your marriage; isn't that worth trying to save your relationship?

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Please listen to midnightmoon, as she is a physician. Also, let me ask you a question that might seem rude (forgive me for that), but have you been faithful to your wife? If not, you should get tested as it's possible you gave your wife the STD.

      Divorce is a very big thing and you have only the slimmest circumstantial evidence. Coupled with your wife's vigorous denials, I am inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. As-salamu Alaykum,

    You said:

    She swear on Quran and every surah and my kids that she never had sex with anyone after marriage.

    What about before marriage?

    Some STDs take longer to show up. Which STD does she have? If she was sexually active before marriage, this could be the reason she has this problem now. She, herself, may not realize this, so she might be in a state of denial or confusion.

    Also, if you have a history of your own (and I'm not saying that you do), it is possible for you to transfer an STD to your wife without realizing that you have done so. Therefore, consider all possibilities and have yourself tested as well.

    • Also, if you have a history of your own (and I’m not saying that you do), it is possible for you to transfer an STD to your wife without realizing that you have done so. Therefore, consider all possibilities and have yourself tested as well.

      Husband should also swear on Quran that he never cheated on his wife.

  8. asalamu alaikum,

    few years back a nurse visited my work place, I recall someone asked, what happens if I use a toilet and its dirty and urine touched, would I get any transmitted disease. reply was no, unless you have sexual contact.

    cheating is the worst thing, but if she continues to lie how can you still forgive that? now if she confessed, saying I did wrong then its a different story.

    if you want proof, take her to the doctor with you, and ask them can the disease spread through dirty toilet, even ask a nurse and on top of that I'm pretty sure online, people who are victim of STD will say how they cached it. I really doubt toilet is the cause of it.

    ma salama..

  9. If your wife is lying may Allah give all her Hassanat to you, but if she is right, than Allah may grant her Jennah. But Bro what do you understand as cheating? She indeed has CHEATED on you with her Ex Boyfriend in Facebook. Cheating and Zina are not always the same in islamically Fiqh (Islamic Law for this world and hereafter )

    Cheating is understanded as deceving someone: You know for example, that you aren't a virgin and the person wants to marry you with the intention that you are chaste (Chaste means that you never had Sex outside a marriage bond. If you had, than you aren't chaste and this is not getting back with repentance like people here try convince someone ). But the person hides the fact from you or lies about that. This is cheating . And cheating is not only a Sin between God and the sinner. It's a sin between God, the sinner, the wronged one (the one you cheated)

    You won't be forgiven till the wronged one and Allah has forgiven you. Please go to the article of "Tailon Law" and just read the article. But don't the comments because they will disturb you, because they have a lack of understand.

    And Brother Zina is just if someone intercourse. But there are minor zina (minor zina doesn't mean minor sin.) like looking, hearing, kissing or all acts between a man and a women which are unlawfully. This sin is partial against someone else.

    Example : If you are married and you have Sex with someone's wife, than you have destroyed 3 Laws. First Allah, then your own wife (or wife's if you have married 4 wife's ) and the husband of the women. This means you must get all people's forgiveness even if they don't know. Allah concealment will be broken for that and there's no Problem with that.

    Now you will ask me, why to apologies from your wife? Your wife (or wife's ) has/have the exclusivity to near to sex with you. (I am not talking that the act must happen. All ways that lead to the act are your 4 wifes exclusivity )

    Your body and your sins regarded to your partner are Sins you must ask for forgiveness by the wronged one.

    Your wife actually neared to zina in chatting with him in Facebook and actually cheated on you, because she didn't say anything before you have asked her. Therefore she wronged you. If you can forgive than you reward will be high, if you don't she will have to pay in hereafter. Repentance will just clean sins regarding Allah's Law. If she has done this horrible act, then she will pay with her Hassanat and take your sins.

    Allah won't cover and forgive these kind of sins which regard to someone else, because he is the utterly just. But if he likes someone, he will try to convince the wronged one to forgive in change for the highest state of Jennah. Don't listen to the others or my post below (because this post was actually sarcastic). If you can trust your wife than go on with her, but if you can't and fear to be unjust to her, than you are legally allowed to divorce her. But please think about your child. You always need to think about the pros and cons .

    1.Will my wife make me angry so that I will be angry to my child too?
    2.Will my wife teach him or her good values or bad values?
    3.Will my child's be happy if they grow without mother?

    Go to a local imam and ask him about your rights of a husband in here and hereafter.

    ...

    [Rest of comment deleted by Editor.]

    [Brother, while differences of opinion and debate are welcomed, please try to refrain from posting remarks that are insulting or dismissive. This site is a community based on giving supportive, peer-based advice - we do not claim to be a fatwa service. Midnightmoon, IslamicAnswers.com editor.]

    • Noapologies: "And Brother Zina is just if someone has intercourse just one time. But there are minor zina (minor zina doesn't mean minor sin.) like looking, hearing, kissing or all acts between a man and a women which are unlawfully. This sin is partial against someone else.

      Example : If you are married and you have Sex with someone's wife, than you have destroyed 3 Laws. First Allah, then your own wife (or wife's if you have married 4 wife's ) and the husband of the women. This means you must get all people's forgiveness even if they don't know. Allah concealment will be broken for that and there's no Problem with that."

      According to your explaination if a wife does oral sex, it is a minor zina and not a sin. If she tells her husband and he forgives her, everything will be fine. That is acceptable to Allah since there is no concealment.

      • Salam SVS,

        Minor zina is not minor sin. There are different level. You would agree with me that it's far more worst to have oral Sex than kiss someone. But if you see that someone unlawfully enters with the Pennysvania into the Virginia ,than they actually did zina. the person must repent and additonally ask for forgiveness from her spouse. So you can be freed. Not even the stoning punishment will remove the wrongdoing to someone else. But most times the spouses forgive for the sake of the one hereafter. May Allah bless them. Allahu Ekber....

        • I read my reply again.

          The sentence disturbs me too

          Minor zina doesn't mean minor sin.

          I mean that minor zina is not a minor sin. It's a grave sin. But it's actually not zina. We must stay away from zina.

    • Assalam alaikum,

      The language in these three posts is really unnecessary. Especially when it comes to specific body parts. Can those parts be deleted/edited?

      JazakAllah!

      • I have done so. Although I left the Pennsylvania/Virginia comment, as I find it kind of funny.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • I also added some words to the spam list, so that any comment that includes those words will go straight to spam.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Salam Brother Wael,

            I didn't know that you were 42 years old, I have recently seen a pic of you.

            May Allah protect

  10. Most STDs cannot be transferred without sexual contact. Except for Herpes, there are two types of herpes HPV1 and HPV2 one is oral the other is via sexual intercourse. not sure which is which but for example someone can get HPV2 in their private area indicating it was transferred via oral sex. At the same time herpes can be transferred by simply sharing a drink or a wet tower. It is very common but if its another STD then its a different story and that is what you need to find out. I would ask find out her condition type and consult a doctor since I am no expert.

    I personally had my old days which I repented and which I got herpes and my partner did as well same time. I am not sure where it came from but she never admitted it and played it well even though her sister told me that she slept at some guy's house with her apparently her sister was not sure if my partner did anything but they slept in the same room. My partner refused to say anything and played stupid.. I just moved on and and was guided back to my religion so Allah gave me a better wife and a partner al7amdullah I am out of this sinful life which leads to more sins.

    My advise and personal view:

    A) Never leave your wife alone with another man because Shaytan will be the third among them.You have to take your wife's word. example leave work to be there if you have to.

    B) You can consult a doctor and research more the STD type. Allah sent STDs, HIVs AIDS right around the time where more gay and lesbian relationships became more common. This would not have been an issue a 100 years ago. This is what you call the hidden war Allah wages on those who go astray.

    C) You have to accept your wife's statement since she swore on the Quran. This is now escalated between her and Allah. If she is saying the truth then Allah may protect her and if she is not Allah may reveal her eventually or keep it for afterlife. Allah can capable of doing anything he wants. Keep in mind people who cheat will most likely cheat again and eventually get caught. Its like a disease controlling the heart maybe an addiction unless they ask for repentance then Allah will give them the power to avoid such sin.

    D) Once you have accepted your wife's statement, remove all doubts and move on. Do not give shaytan the upper hand by filling your hear with suspicion. Just be more alert of her actions but don't be paranoid.

    May Allah reward you for this test that he is putting you through. Do not fail this test and act with your faith. don't forget to thank Allah

    THANKING ALLAH FOR A CALAMITY FOR FOUR REASONS:

    Praise be to Allâh for this Calamity It is reported that Shurayh – Allâh have mercy on him – said, “If I am afflicted with a calamity, I praise Allâh for it four times: I praise Him because it wasn’t worse than it was, I praise Him when He gives me the patience to bear it, I praise Him for enabling me to say al-istirjâ’ (‘To Allâh we belong and to him we will return’; see Al-Baqarah: 154-156 ) in hope of a great reward, and I praise Him for not making it a calamity in my religion.” Al-Dhahabî, Siyar A’lâm Al-Nubalâ`, in his biography of Shurayh Al-Qâdî.

    May Allah give you the patience brother and move on be close to your wife again, Allah forgives any sin expect for the major one. Unfortunately humans and not so forgiving to each other.

  11. Salam,

    even if she has cheated on you... Just forgive her, if you want to be forgiven. If you wife repents, then she is forgiven. Also just advice her, that she should do sincer repentance, but don't accuse her or spy her.
    It's a sin between your wife and Allah. Don't interefer or ask her out. If she has done, then she has done. Just forgive and stay married. You don't get a Dayyoth, if you forgive her.

    Evertimes when men cheat, then they accept it, but if a woman does, then she "KILL HER".

    Just forgive her and stop being a spy or you make haram. Because she is allowed to lie about her past and lie about, if she was unfaithful. Just accept, that you can't control, if your wife cheats on you...I will have too...

    Here are some answers of Islamhelpline:
    http://www.islamhelpline.net/node/8832
    http://www.islamhelpline.net/node/667
    One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
    Salam, I am an unmarried 21-yr old girl & i have committed the sin of adultery.i have a query to make.i read an answer to your previous question which stated that if we seek forgiveness for the sin of adultery it will be forgiven by Allah. what i wuld like to know is, if Allah forgives me will i be forgiven completely or will i be punished in such a way that my husband finds out about it & does not forgive me. in case if my husband doesnot find out what do u think, should i let him know before my marriage or should i keep it hidden for the rest of my life.

    (There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

    Answer:

    If wife committed zina should husband know?
    In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

    Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 39 Surah Zumur verses 53-54:(O Prophet) say: “O My servants who have wronged their own souls….Do not despair of Allah’s Mercy! Surely, Allah forgives all sins. He indeed is the All Forgiving, All Merciful. Return to your Lord and submit to Him before the scourge overtakes you; for then you may get no help from anywhere.”

    Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah Ale Imraan verse 135-136:Allah likes such good people very much, who, if ever they commit a base deed or wrong their own soul by the commission of a sin, remember Allah instantly, and ask for forgiveness from Him for their shortcomings. For who, but Allah, can forgive sins? (And Allah loves those) who do not knowingly persist in the wrongs they did. These will be rewarded with forgiveness from Allah, and with Gardens beneath which canals flow, and they will reside therein forever! How excellent is the reward of those who do good deeds!

    Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 25 Surah Furqaan verses 63-71:The (true) servants of the Merciful are those who walk humbly on the earth. When the ignorant people behave insolently towards them, they say, “Peace to you”; (And those) who pass their nights in prostrating themselves and standing before their Lord and pray, “O our Lord, save us from the torment of Hell, for its torment is killing! It is an evil abode, and an evil resting place”. (And those) who, when they spend are neither extravagant, nor miserly, but keep the golden mean between the two extremes. (And those) who do not invoke any god but Allah Alone, nor kill a soul unjustly, which Allah has forbidden, nor commit adultery… He who does this shall be punished for his sin, and his torment shall be doubled on the Day of Resurrection, and he shall abide in a state of ignominy; EXCEPT THE ONE WHO MAY HAVE REPENTED (AFTER THOSE SINS), AND HAVE BELIEVED AND DONE RIGHTEOUS DEEDS. For then, Allah will change his evil deeds into good deeds, and He is very Forgiving and Merciful. In fact, one who repents and does righteous deeds, returns to Allah as one rightly should!

    No matter what sins one might have done in ignorance, if he/she sincerely repents for those sins, and amends their conduct; it is the Promise of Allah Subhanah that He will forgive them and wipe off their sins completely from their records! Even if one has committed sins as grave as murder, or zina, or disobedience of parents, or even ‘shirk’, etc., if he turns to his Lord in sincere repentance and Taubah before his appointment of death, he will Insha Allah, find his Lord Merciful and Forgiving.

    Your Question: what i wuld like to know is, if Allah forgives me will i be forgiven completely or will i be punished
    If you have done sincere Taubah and repented for your sins, and subsequently amended your deeds, and made a solemn covenant with Allah that you will never ever commit the evil deed again; it is expected that you will find your Lord Merciful and Forgiving.

    If Allah Subhanah accepts your repentance, rest assured that His Mercy encompasses everything and He forgives completely and absolutely; for He, The All-Merciful, The All-Loving, always accepts the sincere repentance of His believing slaves.

    Not only does He forgive the sins of His slaves when they beseech Him in sincere repentance, and subsequently amend their deeds; but He changes their evil deeds into good deeds! Such is the Mercy of the One Who is the Most Merciful!

    Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 25 Surah Furqaan verses 70-71: EXCEPT THE ONE WHO MAY HAVE REPENTED (AFTER THOSE SINS), AND HAVE BELIEVED AND DONE RIGHTEOUS DEEDS. For then, Allah will change his evil deeds into good deeds, and He is very Forgiving and Merciful. In fact, one who repents and does righteous deeds, returns to Allah as one rightly should!

    Your Question: in case if my husband doesnot find out what do u think, should i let him know before my marriage or should i keep it hidden for the rest of my life.
    When one has sincerely repented, and subsequently amended his/her conduct; then one should hope for Allah’s Mercy and Forgiveness. Thus, when Allah Subhanah has covered the sins and faults of his believing slaves, we too should not put ourselves in a trial by exposing ourselves unnecessarily. If your husband does not find out, there is absolutely no need to mention your past evil deeds to him and destroy or sow seeds of mistrust in the sacred bond of marriage. If one has done an evil in ignorance in the past, and has subsequently sincerely repented for his/her deeds, and amended their conduct; then it would be best to leave the past in the past and concentrate on doing righteous good deeds in the future.

    Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

    Your Brother in Islam,

    Burhan

  12. STD=sexually transmitted disease. I don't think one can get it from toilet. It could be some other disease. Is there a name for disease like herpes. Did you feel uncomfortable when the handyman came to work in your home. I don't think your check not being cashed indicates your wife had an affair. If she had an affair he could have cashed the check and given money to your wife.

    Most men if they get a chance will cheat if they have desire and know they can get away with it. Do you talk to women as friends on the Internet or outside your home?

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