To divorce or not – there are kids involved?
I am a British educated girl and married a man from Pakistan but who had been living in the UK for more than 3 years and had obtained his masters degree independently in the UK and now in a good job. He made it clear to me he was not marrying me for a visa and that he would get one automatically in 2 years on his own merits. This was true as his brother did and married a girl from his same town in Pakistan and then she joined him to live in the UK.
Anyhow, in the first year, the sister in law came to live with us but then demanded her own house from her husband in the second year and the two brothers had a big fight and we parted. I should have seen it then but my husband was very difficult to live with and my sister in law saw that and got him out of their lives.
In effect my brother in law divorced his brother and is happily married to his wife and had a child as soon as we left. Me on the other hand kept myself busy working full time and so we didn't really have much time to argue or fight. But we did have disagreements a lot but I would think maybe it was my fault too.
My husband is basically the alpha male. Always aggressive and ready for a fight. But he tamed a little and had never sworn in front of me. Got angry and spoke loudly but that's it. His brother had warned him through his mum to tell her to tell him not to swear in front of his wife and I was confused and stuck up for my husband saying he didn't swear. But little did I know he actually has a very foul mouth.
My two sons were born 3 years in to our marriage who are now 3 and 4 years old. My mother in law came to visit us and I welcomed her with open arms, and my husband hired a maid to cook and clean so that his mother did not have to as I had the kids to look after. I still didn't question that his mother would not lift a finger and not even actually help me with the kids or hold them. I just never realised. I was too busy looking after them. And I am not your typical back home girl that is very smart like that.
Anyhow, she got her indefinite visa one year later and started living permanently with us for 4-5 months at a time then with her other son in the UK and so on. But man did she start to show her true colours.
She would complain about me to my husband all the time. Asking where I had been, if out and then asking me to cook certain things for her especially and then complaining that I had put too much salt in the food etc. I always complied and cut down the salt in the cooking and then caught her adding salt to her food separately! What a freak. I feel ashamed to say that about someone elder as my parents did not bring me up to be disrespectful. But for the last 3 years she has been living with us and made my life hell.
My husband has started swearing at me in front of his mum. She never says anything so he does it more. I felt shocked at first and then just used to ignore the swears. But now my kids can talk and understand and on some occasions repeated those swear words. My second child has some learning needs so does not understand when you ask him not to say that word.
Anyhow, I have been battling with this as I said for the last 3 years. I would argue all the time with my husband. My mother in law took our bedroom so I sleep with the kids and my husband sleeps in the spare room. After 2 years we get our room back and for the last year she has her own room now which she is very happy with that finally she is living in my house.
I don't know how it happened but when I married my husband I had not even met my mother in law and was told she lives in Pakistan. And now she was living in my house that I had bought half with my money. She would initially try to say, this is my sons house I can stay here and you have no right and then I would say, hang on I am his wife and actually I have paid my way.
She could not bear that her son has paid for anything for me. And she would make sure her son didn't pay for anything for me and he didn't. Over the last 8 years I have always paid for my own clothes and car and maintenance and petrol and also for the kids clothes and toys etc. She would always complain why have you bought these toys, waste of money etc and I would say they are from my money.
Anyhow, one day my husband gets angry over something his mum says about me and pushes me aggressively and we have a little fight in front of my youngest son who was vey upset at seeing this. I didn't do anything but didn't speak to my husband for one week. Then we just started talking again and things back to normal. I vowed I would never let my sons see that again.
I ask my mother in law quietly and calmly that can you please leave my house as you are destroying the peace in my house. I begged her to make some excuse and tell my husband to say that she wants to leave. Instead she complains about me and says that I want to kick her out of the house on the streets and that she has now here to go.
Then just one week later she creates a massive argument between me and my husband in some house chores. I knew she was behind this and although angry at my husband I shout at my mother in law saying that is this how you have bought your son up to swear at his wife. She just sits there and says she didn't do anything when she clearly did. My husband then comes up and starts to batter me in front of his mum who didn't even flinch or stop the fight. My kids saw it all and were very upset. I call the police and he gets arrested. I ask the police that my mother in law be removed from my house and they call her other son to take her. She was still not wanting to go!
She has more freedom at my house as my sister in law doesn't even speak with her and her other son has a good relationship with his wife and always listens to her and ignores his mum as he knows what a witch she is. Anyhow, I had automatically thought that its divorce for me. But really I don't want to lose my husband. Yes he didn't treat me well but it was all because of his mum. So should I file for divorce or not? Shall I wait to see what he wants? My kids love their dad and ask when he will come home and my heart breaks. I can't deny their father. What should I do?
annie2009
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Assalamualaykum Sister,
Your post brought broke me into tears when you said "My kids love their dad and ask when he will come home and my heart breaks". I can understand you, your husband and kids might be going through.
I am not sure how practicing muslim you and your family is, establish prayer and make dua for the situation and try to approach a mature and professional elder from both families who might help or a professional counselor. Living together might be best if your husband understands the reason behind the issue and changes himself and if you could also erase the time when your mother in law was with you (everything his swearing, ill treatment and calling of police). Things would change if you both would respect each other in sha Allah.
But if counselling or initial discussion does not resolve the issues then may be separation would be the last option but give enough access to your kids, so they enjoy each others company. Don't rush in these matters as i have personally seen these things, make dua and remember Him in every moment.
May Allah make it easy for you, your husband and kids.
I wish people understand the damage they can do to their loved ones only if they could have avoided their ego.
Salaam.
Dear sis
If you can talk to your brother in law then ask him the original situation and he can teach more better way to your hosband.
Because I had faced this kind of situation with my wife but Alhamdo Lillah I was aware about all the situation and circumstances. So I got control the situation finally.
But I suggest you to ask your brother in law tht there is no Islamic obligation to look after your mother but still I am willing to afford her but on a condition if she ll not interfere your private life. If he is a noble man than he can teach his mother and brother about your situation but I know the soil of your mother in law these typical women can afford the destructed life of their sons but never wish to let them spend their life with freedom.
Any how you have to proceed with very cool mind and carefully with two way diplomacy.
One is use your brother in law with positive gesture and convince him to work as modrator but make sure he is not a cheater in any way
2nd talk to your mother in law and some how convince her I she never left your life calmly in your way then you have power to kick your son and you out of UK say her its the law of UK I am 100 % sure she is a totally illiterated with laws if you can creat any such fear in her heart then she will be in your hands. But be carefully these kind of witches can offend yourself and can attempt to kill or can cause some serious circumstances physically.
Third pray from Allah.
All above I wrote is personal experience. Also try to brought her to call you and force her to say you some dangerous warnings in words and record her call to blackmail her to creat a law suit against her if she didnot let your life to settle down easily. If she don't wang to bear you than she has no right to stay calmly with her son a well.
My prayers are with you my sis ll the time because I know how the situation you are facing these are some sort of mentally ill people never think someone's feeling and rights.
This sounds really evil
I think deep down you know what the right thing is for you.
Do you think your husband will change? His mother will always be his mother and whether she is good or bad that will always mean something to him.
He's used to not buying things for you, hitting you, swearing in front of your kids.
He's been arrested now, maybe he will behave, maybe he will exact punishment on you down the line, but the line that should never be crossed has been crossed.
I know you blame his mother for his behaviour but he is an adult and is responsible for his actions.
Yes the apple never falls very far from the tree and his mother being there probably exacerbates things greatly. But just as he becomes worse in front of her and she does nothing to stop it, but makes it worse by complaining about you and building more hate in your husbands heart think what effect this is having on your kids.
They see their dad as one who can do no wrong and see him hitting their mother. Sometimes it is better for children that parents not stay together but this is completely your choice.
If you think he can change then there is a chance, but in my experience of someone like this in my family, once some boundaries like hitting etc have been crossed, there's often no going back.
Duas for you and your little ones
I would say since ypur kids are involved and the seriousness of how divorce affects their lives do not be too hasty in making this decision. Your mother in law has been creating issues so give your husband a chance and see whether he will change without her in the house or not. Divorce is not a small thing especially when kids are involved. Talk to him and see what he wants since u have called tge police on him once i doubt he will try it again soon. plus seems like u still love him. May Allah swt ease ur troubles and give you a happy married life ameen.
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the name of Allah, the most merciful and most gracious !
Allah is all aware of your situation.Allah puts us in difficulty, so that we may turn to him and live our life 24x7 according to his laws and not according to community and culture.Do astaghfar.It will bring changes in life which we cant believe.
It is same as how prophet Yunus (PBUH) was released from the belly of whale - deep from the ocean.Imagine how it could be. Where no one can help Prophet Yunus. Bcos it is Allah who put him inside the belly and only he can remove him from it.
The most worst situation in this world would also end but then we will be in front of real situation in our grave.May Allah grant us success in this life and hereafer..Aameen.
You have already shown your husband about the severity of the situation by calling police.It will ruin his life and as well as yours .May Allah protect you & your family.. Aameen.
By now he must have realised it or he may need more help to understand.
Every time before meeting/ talking to him ,ask Allah for guidance.Sometimes the results delays and it may look not favaourable to you,but trust Allah and ask him for his guidance.
Talk to your husband and help him to get him out of his old evil thoughts.
Explain him that your intention is to live with him happily .Make him clear .
Tell him what his mother is doing at the back.Explain him that such kind of acts can bring only fights.If her mothers intention is good then family would have been at peace by now.
Ask him what he wants to do and if he is ready to loose the happiness and peace for life long then its in his hand. If he wants to live with you and kids then every thing is solved in a matter of time.
Whatever the situation brings.please connect your life with Allah and ibadaa.
Allah says in Quran -Surah Nisa
[Nisa 4:69] And whoever obeys Allah and His Noble Messenger, will be with those upon whom Allah has bestowed grace - that is, the Prophets and the truthful and the martyrs and the virtuous; and what excellent companions they are!
Read and teach Quran to your kids and and live according to sunnah and make your kids be followers of Prophet Mohammed and protect them all evil.
Haraam(music,tv,fashion,interest,non islamic bank loans etc...) leads to jahannam.
Quran & Sunnah leads to jannah
Assalam o Alaikum sister,
Its good you described the situation in detali.
Please do not leave/ divorce your husband. May Allah SWT protect your family. As u said your kids ask for their father, sister am sure you cannot bear that in case of divorce coz you know its not their fault . Life is too short , try to get close to Allah and incorporate more islam in your family life....Insha Allah things will get better.
Trust me no marriage is perfect. Get urself busy and i agree to brother zeeshan as well.
If possible take your husband to marriage counselling.
You are a very strong woman, May Allah protect your family, ameen ya rabb.
"Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhuriyyatina qurrata A'yunin waj'alna lil-muttaqina imama."
"Our Lord! grant us in our mates and offspring the joy of our eyes and make us patterns for those who guard against evil." (25:74)
Sadly, so many mother in laws esp. from Pakistan they think its their right to behave in whatever ways to sister in laws. there is lack of deen as u can see.
takecare of urself !