Should a women disclose her past and is it justified/reasonable for potential husband to ask/know?
Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said, All my Community will be excused except those who are blatant. And it is from blatancy for one to perform an act at night and to wake up and tell something that they did such-and-such, while Allah had concealed it for them. They slept under the cover of Allah, and they rended Allah's covering from themselves in the morning. [Bukhari and Muslim]
I have been dating someone for several months now with the intention to get married Insha-Allah (we are both students so it is not financially possible for us to do so right now). My to-be fiancée gave me an ultimatum that I tell him everything about my past boyfriends, who they are, what we did, absolutely everything or else we break up.
I am still a virgin and will be one till I marry but I have dated before when I was much younger and have done things I am not proud of. I was young and wanted to be cool and fit in with the other girls at school whom were 'naughty' with their boyfriends.
I am extremely sorry for it and have sincerely repented to Allah for it and would like to bury it and move on with my life and continue to strive to be a better Muslim as I believe when you know better you do better which I do now.
However, my boyfriend does not respect this, and was determined to dig everything up demanding he know everything. I had to rehash everything (twice as it wasn't 'detailed' enough for him the first time around) and tell him which was not only painful but extremely embarrassing and shameful for me too. In all honesty I felt like an 'Easy A' to put it lightly.
I believe what you don't know won't hurt you and didn't want to put images in his mind which may affect our relationship, and it did. It took him a while to get over it, he was not happy that he is not the first man to touch me (he has a 'colourful' past too by the way and has also done 'things', but he on the other hand isn't exactly sorry for them). He claims he is over it now, I don't know.
It is not important to me to know what my partner has done in his past as he is with me now and the present is all that matters. I don't want to know what he did sexually with other women as this may play on my mind and I'd rather not know. As I said I believe what you don't know won't hurt you. I wish he felt the same.
After I found out that it is not obligatory for a woman to disclose her past to a potential husband as we should hide our sins, I became very angry and resentful, as I feel I went through that and I didn't even have to.
I would like to know people's thoughts and opinions of this. Should I be upset at him? Do all men want to know their women's past? Is it important to them? I am scared that if we don't end up marrying (Allah knows best) and I meet someone else to marry he too will want to know everything and judge me and I can't go through that again and I feel no other man will accept me. Am I correct in feeling and thinking this way?
Or does the fact that I am sorry and have sincerely repented in a way undo what I have done? Should men respect a women's answer when she says her past is her business and she won't tell him and do women have a right to this?
Silver Ring.
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Dear sister, i think that for a relationship to work one has to be honest with thier beloved. How do you except someone to completely trust you if they do not know what kind of person you are? I don't think you should be upset with him for asking this, he has done nothing wrong. Even i wanted to know my boyfriends past how else would i know how he potrays relationships? it is important for both people to be honest and if you trust eachother there shouldnt be a problem being honest and discussing the past. As a couple you dont just share happy times also the sad times, so even if your past is bad he would understand. if he doesnt like what he hears not much ypu can do, as he wanted to know and if he loves you, he would accept thats the past. but your past shouldnt be a secret to the one you expect to share the rest of your life, as they may be left with negative thoughts which may lead to problems in the future. thats why i believe be open and honest in a relationship if you want it to work.
there is no need to ask, because people change, so what has the past got to do with the present?? people should look and judge u as how u are now, rather than trying to know someone from their past. asking about the past is nothing but immaturity or insecurity sister.
people who have boyfriends come into contact with numerous problems and psychological harm, if u love someone for real why not keep it halal to keep ur relationship pure and blessed in shaa Allaah. if u love someone why want them to be a sinner and suffer?
I think it is highly inappropriate for him to ask her to describe those things in detail, I think its rather strange. It also speaks volumes about whether he trusts her word. I also find it diturbing that its kind of ok for him to have a colourful past yet not feel as much ashamed and regretful. Is this because he is a guy and therefore more acceptable? Is this not an unfair midset and way of judging and looking at things. Gosh their not even married yet, and they have to go through this. To the sister who first asked this question, I would just like to tell her t be cautious and not rush into things. Just be honest with your husband to be, try and be mature with and ask him to behave more reasonably. Dont be stuborn but be more firm and stern. ( within reason)
simply move on from him sister
if ur going to marry him, the foundation of that would have been set on a haram relationship, and such relationship tend to break off easily. i wouldnt have said to break off, usually i would just say repent for the haram relationship that u have had with him, and ensure that he has repented too, and marry each other soon, if that is what u really really want. BF/GFs are NOT allowed in islam, and there is Allaah's wisdom in every law that he has set for us, so trust Allaah's wisdom, Allaah wants the best for us. Now, the reason why i am not telling u to marry him, is because he is obviously very insecure about ur past. he may say that he has accepted it now, but this is something that is very likely to creep up later on in the marriage, and that can be more painful and destressing than a break up now. u say ur afraid of going through this again with another man, well, with this man i think u will go through with ur whole life in some way or the other!
and ur right, a husband has NO right whatsoever to ask about his wife's past, there was no need for u to have told him about ur past, his not even ur husband.
i know a break up would be hard for u, but this is best, because this relationship is not only built on a haram relationship, but also there is insecurity and not much trust in place ALREADY, which is quite obvious for such relationships anyway, and in ur case its alot clear for us all to see. not only is the relationship wrong, but i think so is ur BF, he seems to me like he will be an aggressive husband, not neccessarily physically but the kind of person who will pressurise u for things, do u want to marry such a man?? how was it like when he was 'interrogating' u?? do u want to live with such a man for the rest of ur life??
u said ur worried that if u leave him, what if the other man does the same. we dont know what the future is going to be like, but we can see the present. so do u want to marry a man who pressured u to tell him about ur past, though he has done the same things and doesnt really regret it, as u say. doing so in fear of what someone else might be like would be very foolish sister, and im sure u wouldnt want to do that, its like putting urself at risk with someone who u are at risk with ALREADY just to avoid the next person that u MIGHT be at risk with having to face all this, u dont really have anything to lose from this break up.
dont tell ur husband about ur past, and in shaa Allaah u wont have to face all this again. if u marry a religious brother, then in shaa Allaah he wont ask or care about ur past
if i was in ur place, i think i would have probably just left this man who had made me feel so uncomfortable, learnt about islam and try to come close to Allaah, and find a religous spouse, not a boyfriend. Not all men are the same, and avoid having BF's and in shaa Allaah u will leave a peaceful life.
take care sis
http://www.islamqa.info/en/ref/2021/past
have a read of this fatwa sis 🙂
break up with him because it seems to me he is insured and will use the past against you, he dont deserve you and no one should be forced to do something they dont want to. Sometimes being honest doesn't always works in the girls favor either. I dont think you should continue being with him who's to say he will marry you if he is treating you like this now, can you trust him and can he trust you?
and i agree with hi there masalllah good advise
do not ever disclose your past to anyone not to even for a man never and never.
Salaam,
Sister you say in the past when you were younger you did haraam acts with your bfs but you repented. But why are continuing in haraam relationships and sinining. Dating is not allowed in islam. You say you gained more islamic knowledge now and yet you are continuing in haraam relationship with your present bf. Stop dating and sincerely repent and ask Allah forgiveness! Dont go back to sining again.
Sister,
You do not have to disclose your past. What has happened before is done. You have repented to Allah. End of story.
Best advice I can offer you, if this brother cannot accept you for who you are right now...move on. If he has to keep digging and digging, it shows he is insecure and chances are...you may have problems once married and he will throw it in your face when it suits him.
Salam
Asalamoalaikum sister,
Like many have suggested above, you need to leave this man. If I were you I wouldn’t walk, I’d run. I can tell you based on my past experiences, men who are nosey about a woman’s past will make her life a living hell.
He asked you not only once, but twice what your past consisted of in vivid details. You know why he did that? He wanted to see if you lied the first time and how consistent your story would be the second time around. I know these types of guys and yes he may be nice and shower you with “affection”, “gifts”, and “attention”, but he’s not worth it. If someone really loves you, they would never be concerned with your past and they would trust you based on your present behaviour.
Before Ramadan, I received a marriage proposal. The guy was mashAllah educated, settled, and quite handsome. His family came over and approved of me but suggested we talk on the phone first to see if we “clicked”. Guess what he asked me the first time he called me? Did I ever have a boyfriend? I was shocked someone could be so blunt the first time they speak with a girl, and mind you he seemed like an open minded person. Not only that, he was keen to know if I had any guy friends, how many, etc. And you know what I did? I rejected him, and I’m glad I did.
-Helping Sister
Sister, nowdays premarital relationships are common in our society this includes zinaa and fornification. Its not shocking that the guy asked you abt this. I would like to know about my spouses past too or better before marriage. Look at all the posts we get here on this site..its shocking how freely muslims commit these sins.
Sister I absolutely agree with you. Fitnah in today’s society is not only widespread but becoming “normalized”.
However, based on my past experience I know that mostly people who are concerned about someone’s past (from the moment they first meet a person, not some time down the road) aren’t asking such questions because they are chaste themselves and would want a chaste spouse, rather, it’s because they’ve probably had a past themselves. This potential prospect who asked me this question had a girlfriend for 2 years himself in the past (and I did not ask him this, he informed me of this himself). Based on his past experiences, he is viewing his potential prospects in the same limelight (i.e., if I can do all that, why can’t someone else?).
What I think is more important to note is that Allah swt has ordained to conceal our sins and if He conceals it for us, then Alhumdulillah it is by his mercy that He did so. If he has commanded us to do something, there shouldn’t opinions about it. We can all try justify how important it is to know someone’s past sins in order to minimize the chance of being hurt, but if a person has sincerely repented from their past, they would never commit the sin again. Therefore, their present behaviour should be sufficient for one to judge their character. If however, someone has not repented from their past and does not care, they are likely to be engaging in those sins till present day and one would find this out based on the person’s present behaviour. In both situations, you can analyze how a person is based on their present behaviour. There is no point of digging old graves to ensure that someone is chaste.
-Helping Sister
Before Ramadan, I received a marriage proposal. The guy was mashAllah educated, settled, and quite handsome. His family came over and approved of me but suggested we talk on the phone first to see if we “clicked”. Guess what he asked me the first time he called me? Did I ever have a boyfriend? I was shocked someone could be so blunt the first time they speak with a girl, and mind you he seemed like an open minded person. Not only that, he was keen to know if I had any guy friends, how many, etc. And you know what I did? I rejected him, and I’m glad I did.
However, based on my past experience I know that mostly people who are concerned about someone’s past (from the moment they first meet a person, not some time down the road) aren’t asking such questions because they are chaste themselves and would want a chaste spouse, rather, it’s because they’ve probably had a past themselves. This potential prospect who asked me this question had a girlfriend for 2 years himself in the past (and I did not ask him this, he informed me of this himself). Based on his past experiences, he is viewing his potential prospects in the same limelight (i.e., if I can do all that, why can’t someone else?).
At least ,he was being honest with you.If you were innocent then why didn't you tell him that you never had a boyfriend ? That would have been a straight and clear answer.
Another thing you mentioned is that if a person repents,he/she shouldn't be asked about the past. I want to ask,how can somebody know whether the repentance was sincere and whether Allah really accepted the repentance. Is there a guarantee for that ?
However, based on my past experience I know that mostly people who are concerned about someone’s past (from the moment they first meet a person, not some time down the road) aren’t asking such questions because they are chaste themselves and would want a chaste spouse, rather, it’s because they’ve probably had a past themselves. This potential prospect who asked me this question had a girlfriend for 2 years himself in the past (and I did not ask him this, he informed me of this himself). Based on his past experiences, he is viewing his potential prospects in the same limelight (i.e., if I can do all that, why can’t someone else?).
They are being honest,unlike others....What is wrong with that ?
And lets assume,if there is a virgin man who comes and explicitly informs that he wants some one equal in that manner(virgin) and ask a woman whether she had relationships in the past ...........How should the woman reply ?
Don't you think that it is a legitimate and fair that a virgin man ask for a virgin woman ?
Agree!. How would one know if that person truly repented and would never commit zina/adultery. if its possible to ask before marraige to their potential spouse to be whether they are virgin or 'clean' its good!. And no i dont agree to helping sister comment on that people inquire about these things because they have a past themselves - actually its the opposite. They dont want a spouse who had previous relationships and done zina but rather someone who is a virgin and pure. Premarital relationships destroys marraiges, people compare their halaal relationships to their previous ones before marraige and even compare their sexual experiences to thier husband or wife astagfirullah.
However, it is also wrong and unfair to dig into a partners past if they themselves have a past.
You have to realize that these are not my commands; they are Allah swt’s. We are to conceal our sins and repent for them. No one knows whose repentance is sincere and if Allah swt has accepted it.
However, based on people’s present actions we can assess their lifestyle and their behaviours and predict if they are God fearing, faithful, etc. You can read of many stories on IA of sisters who are engaged and their fiancés want to go “physical” with them. They didn’t need to dig into their past to know how they are; their reality came out eventually. If someone has repented and changed, their actions will reflect that and if they haven’t, again their actions will reflect that.
I agree that those who have been chaste have the right to ask for a chaste spouse. But you do not have the right to ask someone about their past. You can inform them in ways such as stating you are looking for a virgin spouse (and yes that is quite blunt), to deter those who are not one from proceeding ahead with the proposal. I’ve heard of such cases. But inquiring and asking someone about their past, what can you honestly accomplish? Can the person not lie? What’s the guarantee they will be honest with you? I think a lot of people are assuming that when you ask someone about their past they will be entirely honest. The truth is, many people are not because they are most likely ashamed of their past or do not want to disclose it because they are no longer how they used to be.
-Helping Sister
"As-salam wai lai kum,
When helping brothers/sisters to find suitable Muslim partners, what questions can be asked, and what is forbidden to ask ?
Can one ask about their past when they were non-Muslim or not practicing Muslims ?
Can one ask ones wife/sister to describe in detail the appearance of an intended wife or describe in detail to them regarding a brother ?
Was Salam
Praise be to Allaah.
If you want to look for a wife for someone, or a husband for a woman, then you can ask him about his wishes, such as the desired age, level of education, employment situation, country and origin and position of the family, and whether he has any preferences about her general appearance, such as skin colour, height, etc. The most important characteristic to ask about is a person’s level of commitment to Islam. This kind of useful question is fine.
But asking for details of a person’s past and wanting to know what sins they might have committed when they were ignorant about Islam – this is not right at all. Allaah covers people’s sins and loves to see them covered (i.e., not dragged out into the open). So long as a person has repented, his sins have been wiped out. Islam deletes whatever came before, so why should we ask questions that will only embarrass people? Allaah accepts people’s repentance without their having to confess or expose their sins to any other person. A number of the Sahaabah had committed adultery and murder repeatedly, or had buried infant girls alive, or stolen things, but when they entered Islam they were the best of people. No one needs to be reminded of a shameful past; it is over and done with, and Allaah is the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. What matters when considering a person for marriage is how that person is now: is he righteous or not? Has he cut all ties with his past and his wrong deeds, or not? If he is clearly living a good and righteous life now, then it is wrong to dig up the past. If there is any fear of anything that could have future implications, such as certain diseases and so on, then there are medical tests which can give the answer and put your mind at rest.
As far as giving a detailed description of a prospective wife to someone is concerned, this can be done in writing: one of her mahram relatives (i.e. a blood relative to whom marriage is permanently forbidden) or a woman who knows her can write down a description, then a trustworthy person can deliver it to one who is seriously considering a marriage proposal. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman should describe another woman to her husband as if he can see her.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4839)
The wisdom behind this prohibition is the fact that a husband might like the sound of what he hears, so he may divorce the one who described the other to him, or there may be temptation to do wrong. (Commentary on the above hadeeth in Fath al-Baari).
We ask Allaah to help us all to do that which He loves and will earn His pleasure. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid"
Yes i believe all men want to know our past lives, i think it makes them feel in control of the situation that is you. Be true with yourself and honest to him. Do not hold back your anger because if this painful relatioship keeps up then it gets worse. Good luck inshalla sister.
Salaams,
I don't agree with divulging your mistakes and transgressions. It will only cause you harm and upset.
I think you need to evaluate whether this man is really worth it. He has a colourful past you say. He's either afraid you have one to match and he's feeling insecure and not able to compete with what he thinks you've been through.
Or people with colourful pasts tend to cheat and he just wants ammunition to use against you to ward you off from probing him if/when he's doing something wrong.
Just make sure whatever you end up doing, when you have children tactfully advise them so that they avoid regretful indiscretions and don't have to go through this kind of anguish.
Sister in question,
Religiously speaking it is sin to disclose your sins to the creation of Allah (swt).
It is also sin to ask the slave of Allah (swt) about their past. In Shaa Allah you won't be accountable for disclosing your past info to your fiance coz you didn't know that it is sin to disclose.
Every soul has to deal their past (or sins) with Allah (swt) alone.
Sister, if this fiance of yours is someone who dwells into the past then please leave/reject him. In Shaa Allah there are brothers out there who would marry you for your present and future. Past is something that only and only Allah (swt) can reconcile our accounts. We humans are blessed with human intelligence only. Allah (swt) sees what is in one's heart- HE is fully aware of all things.
Please sister turn to Allah (swt) and devote your time to HIM (swt). Please HIM. Don't feel sad or insecure if you decide to leave your fiance. Be content with your decision. If you feel confused and undecisive then do Istikhara, In Shaa Allah you will be guided.
Your sister,
Parveen
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