Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Two failed online relationships! Now what?

online affair %photo

I am a young girl of 19 years (turned 19). When I was a child, I was quite over-sensitive, shy and poetic, till the age of 12. But during my teenage, I became one of the most beautiful, funny, popular, extrovert and prettiest girl with a spark. I belong to a family and country where I don't have much people to date and it's not considered good thing to get physical before wedding.

Usually, people go for an arranged marriage. But my parents didn't have a good arranged marriage, and since the time I was 2 years old, my father moved out and I got to see him only once a week. We never had a loving or friendly relationship with him, but a formal one. My mother was very much attached to me and so was I. I used to sleep, eat, study, watch TV, play with my mother for  many years.  Saying that, I didn't want to have an arranged marriage,  nor did I want to go for physical relationship.

When I was 17 years old I found a 23 years old disabled guy online, he was from another country (near my country, same culture, language etc), he proposed to me since he had the same family background & religious trends.  I accepted his proposal because of sympathy, we NEVER had a chemistry or attraction.  He was a motherless guy and I tried my best to support him in every possible way.  I started working hard in school, made career plans because of him only (because he was disabled and couldn't study much) to support him, learnt cooking, started praying regularly etc. I felt that I got the purpose of my life, because I used to live a life without purpose and kinda depressed before meeting him online.

It lasted for around 1.5 year, but we had never met.  We hardly spoke on phone (because of bills), and used to chat online daily for half or an hour. One day, he gave me his facebook password, and I checked his messages, where I was shocked to read that ALL THE THINGS he ever said to me, he was also messaging to another girl, from around 9-10 months, saying that he loves her and wants to marry her and EVERYTHING that he told me.

He suffered from cerebral ataxia, and was not only physcially disabled but I think he had some mind issues as well. I was hurt and devasted and couldn't eat or drink. Before this thing, whenever we used to fight (though it was VERY rare, hardly 2-3 times in a year, that too for a short time) it felt like my whole life turned upside down when I couldn't be in contact with him. I stopped eating, drinking, sleeping, studying, washing my face, etc. Couldn't even walk and talk properly, until things got better.

But this time, since I SAW his message on FB, I decided NOT to listen to any excuse, and no matter how hard it maybe, I HAVE TO MOVE ON. I was sad, lost and hurt, I use to wake up in night and feel that I am in his city( I felt STRONG connection to that country where he lived). Anyways, my friends supported me, because they all think that I deserved MUCH better, since they KNEW me in real life, and thought of me as a VERY attractive girl (it was a girls high-school, lol).

After two days, I was still sad and wanted to talk it out, I joined a chatroom that was a matrimonial site for Muslims ( I am a Muslim as well). I had almost PROMISED myself that I will NEVER go for an online relation again, and NEVER for someone who didn't live in the same country.. but, the guy who messaged me on that site, he was from the same country my ex belonged to. And in the first chat, it felt like he was my perfect type.  But, I decided not to take it on a relationship level, but only as a friend. We started getting closer, and became great friends. and After 5 months, he proposed me and I accepted. He was 26 years old when I was just 18.

I started to get emotional for him, and the thoughts of my ex were just GONE the day I met this guy (that is 2 days after breakup, lol). We were great, I was attracted towards him and there was a real chemistry between us, that I NEVER had with my ex(it was sympathy). Even after being ALL ATTRACTED and great chemistry with this guy, and never remembering my ex, I had become kinda insecure and unstable with my life. I used to feel HIGHLY jealous of this guy's past crushes even, lol, and EVERYONE, and compared every girlfriend's bf to this guy and suffered from highest level of anxieties during all the months of my contact with this new guy.

The day I felt relaxed and calm for the FIRST TIME in my new relationship (after around 7-8 months) was the day we had to end contact.  Since we met on a matrimonial site, he insisted me on getting married as soon as possible. My problem was that I had to complete my education, and he said to me that he will try to wait for me, etc.  After around 7-8 months of communicating, he started to talk less. I asked him and he said that he felt things weren't working out, because I was not talking to my parents to ensure him that I will marry him and never leave him.  Later on, he felt insecure (I guess) and said that he wanted an engagement so that if he waits, he should have a confirmation and that my parents will accept him. One of the problems was that we belonged to different countries. He said that it will be hard for him to wait, since his parents are insisting him to get engaged/married, he's already 27, and never dated anyone and didn't even had any girl that his parents knew of.

Now, it's almost one-two months since then, we hardly talk, but I feel sad. I feel like I am in the same situation I was 1 year back, but this time I DON'T want to find someone else and move on.. I have come to the point of feeling suicidal, I feel empty. I FEEL that I am in that country, suddenly. And I keep on watching the videos of that country(my both bfs) I feel a LARGE bum of REJECTION. Everyone (who met me) told me that I was very attractive and beautiful, I won the Beauty Queen @ my highschool,  but have not started college yet.  But, these two boys who never even met me, have hurt me so much that I dont want to live.  I dont even want to date anyone anymore. I just want to stop feeling rejected, depressed, suicidal and inability to eat and drink.

I completely forgot and forgave my ex, just after meeting the new guy, but he was the only reason I was alive (the new guy, I gave my emotions, happiness and everything in his control).  Now when he's gone, I feel like there is NOTHING to look forward to. He doesn't even contact me now, because he told me that its not possible to wait. And I am the one who cries the whole day and night and can't follow my routine and life, just because of so called LOVE with the guys I never met! I am on an emotional roller-coaster with highest anxieties, depression, suicidal thoughts, irrational behavior, jealousy and much more from around one year now.

Please, suggest me a way to get out of all this. I have turned 19, and its my last year of teenage. I am NOT looking for another relationship (though I am going to start a college now where I will meet real people (guys too, my school was only for girls) but I am not interested. I just want to get out of it. My heart pains, aches, and I have NOT been able to come back to the track of my life...since the day my ex cheated on me. That rejection was NOT being dealt with me, now I have another REJECTION(a boy who didn't wait for me).

- miss_khan


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7 Responses »

  1. miss_khan, Asalaamualaykum,

    I am sorry that you are feeling so upset. But I think its high time you stop playing 'the victim'. You go online looking to chat with men saying that you do not want relationships, but at the same time, you become emotional with them but either do not want to pursue marriage or if you do its for the wrong reasons.

    The first man you befriended was wrong for having multiple relationships. But you were also not sincere, as you agreed to marry him out of sympathy and also by the sounds of it, you continued this relationship because it gave to something postive to do - i.e. a reason to learn to cook etc.

    This second man you befriended online did the right thing by breaking away from you. He wanted to marry you but you were not ready to speak your mother about him with a view to marriage.

    That may sounds harsh, but its the truth.

    ***

    Sister - leave off thoughts of marriage for now and concentrate on 'you'. As a happy, healthy, strong, striving Muslimah, you will attract a good spouse at the right time. So, find happiness in 'you', it cannot be reliant on a man or on a relationship. If it is, it will not last, because everytime you fall out, so will the happinss. Focus on your studies, family and female friends. Take up some hobbies and avoid unncessary mixing with boys or you will most definitely fall into the wrong relationship again. Learn about your deen especially about the manners of interacting with the opposite gender. Read also about our beautiful role models, i.e. Khadija(ra), Aisha(ra) etc.

    Insha'Allah you will find confidence in yourself as a Strong Muslimah.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Asalaam alaikum Sister Miss_Khan,

    This is yet another reason why a wali/guardian must be present when you are making introductions to men, because they are supposed to also gauge your intentions and seriousness for marriage.

    I distinctly remember one brother who wanted to get married, who thought it was as simple as just announcing it, but he had many serious questions to face beforehand about his practical expectations and plans for the future. When he asked why he was being given the third degree, one male responded, "a sister must be looked after and her reputation protected." When pressed further, he also said, "Brother, this is about marriage, it's not something to just play with. We need to know how serious you are."

    Alhamdulillah, the same could be said in this case, Sister, but the questions directed at you, instead.

    I cannot fault the first young man because as you said, he suffers from a disease and a possible mental disorder depending on the extent of his illness. Though the act of a "sacrificial marriage" is a noble one, very few people are cut out for it. It is unwise to think at 19 years old and inexperienced, you would be able to, as well. Though I do think it was very nice that you took the chance to learn wifely duties. So take that effort you made as a blessed opportunity for learning new skills from your past misfortune.

    However, in one small example of women marrying men who were injured in the Iraq-Iran War, a disabled soldier was asked about these women. Here was his reply:

    “Tell that lady she must think very carefully and not take that decision due to the turmoil of youthful sentiments. If you marry a disabled soldier who might have only lost his fingers (and nothing else), one thing you must do for him is to button up his clothes for the whole of your life, apart from hundreds of other things that need to be done. If you possess such a strength, patience, and sacrificial power to serve him all your life, not to be rough and rude to him or boast of your favour, then come along, do it in the name of Allah, the Merciful and Beneficent.”

    The second young man was/is facing many temptations, his own dreams and aspirations and the reality of age coming upon him. He stated his intention by going onto a matrimonial site and looking for a wife. After 7-8 months of conversation, which I personally feel it's too long without a supervised meeting, he was right to make the appropriate decision when you balked. Imagine that it was also difficult for him to let you go when you showed your lack of seriousness. Especially for a man who is visually tempted by the world around him, he cannot delay his want for a spouse.

    So sister, if your going to go to a website like that, please appreciate the fact that most of the people are sincerely looking to be married. And why so? Because it has become obligatory on them with their inner desires and feelings to get married, and to partake in the blessings of Allah (swt).

    Proposals are serious matter and this is why you need a wali/guardian. Islam has already given the prescription for such scenarios and when you venture outside of them, this is when disaster is bound to occur. Your experience is a testimony to that reality.

    Give a look over the following questions below that I wrote yesterday for another sister who is considering a proposal. Use this coming summer to think these over and talk with a wali/guardian and your mother. I am of the mind to suggest it because you are developing feelings for men and are taking the incorrect ways to approach them (without a wali), and now, it is obligatory upon you to do it right.

    In my opinion, if you put off having children, you can complete your studies and still be married. In the case of an older suitor, he will be either finished/near finished with his studies, or working full-time. With you in school, this is acceptable in compatibility terms of schedules and what not.

    Please think your intentions over carefully, discuss the mater with your mother and find a wali, if you are genuinely ready to be married.

    Contact a wali, if you don't have one already. As a guardian can look at the situation objectively regarding your situation now. Use your guardian to come up with questions for your potential suitor. Not just for this man, but in general for any man and to question your intentions.

    Set some time aside for yourself this weekend and make a list of things that you want, what you dream about and what you wish your marriage to be in service to Allah (swt). You will use this as a reminder of what you have always desired and as your own gauge when your receive interest from a man.

    Privately, write the stipulations of your nikkah. Things that you will ask for upfront, clauses that must be adhered to and those things which you will never tolerate. This is for yourself until you are ready to make your nikkah, so keep it safe and update it from time to time.

    All this is meant for you to start thinking realistically, practically and objectively about what you want and desire in marriage. This is a healthy and an important thing that we forget about when love comes knocking and we get caught in its' whirlwind. So before you allow the emotions to get the better of you, do this as soon as possible.

  3. Salamualaikum sister.

    Sorry for my assumptions if they aren't right.
    First of all, you need a little tweaking with your attitude. You consider yourself beautiful, extrovert, one with a spark and so on and you mention many things make it appear you are proud of your beauty and of what you are. I do not want to just console you saying 'its alright' because it is too dangerous.
    The reason: Pride belongs to Allah and it is His Right. A hadith says that a person who has pride in his or her heart even equal to the weight of an atom will not enter Paradise.

    Internet is a weapon with two sharp ends. And you have seen one. My advise to you is to keep away from facebook for some time and concentrate on your college.

    About college, try to find one that is exclusively for women and select the same. Otherwise, you should be up for greater challenges. You'll meet real people, temptations will ablaze and you'll be tested a lot. Be a good Muslimah and preserve your beauty, and do not misuse it. Allah has gifted you with beauty and your aim should be to be a Queen in Paradise with your beauty multiplied, insha Allah. You should wear hijaab, and this will keep most men away, as long as you display modesty.

    Some men will try their chance, and they will keep away, if you guard your 5 daily prayers, insha Allah...

    Be a grateful servant of Allah and insha Allah He Will show His Mercy and a good match when it is your time.
    Do not just pay heed to anyone that comes your way, because that may lead to a relationship, and thus anxiousness and distress.

    Another thing you can do is goto read the following: http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/islamqa/20949

    If it doesn't open, go to islamqa.com and type 20949 in search tab and read. It will help a lot.
    Become a religious girl and insha Allah you'll be Blessed.

    May Allah Help you,
    Aameen
    Muhammad Waseem

  4. Assalam-u-Alaikum!

    I wanted to ask this that I also had a break up through online chat because the guy wasn't sincere. we never met or talked. We just had online chats. He first proposed me and when I got serious he changed his mind saying that we were just friends. I got hurt about it. But now I'm getting married to my cousin and now I'm afraid that was that online talking a sin and would that mean that I will remain guilty to my husband although there was nothing more than clean online talk with that guy. Please reply me.

    • Sister, you must remember that their is no relationship between opposite genders except marriage be it online or through other mediums. These boundaries set by Islam are their to protect women in particular; this whole forum is full of stories of heartache sisters went through after they transgressed the limits set by Islam by getting into relationships with non-mahrams. Off course your relationship was haram and a sin; if you truly repented and asked for forgiveness and promised to never go back again then their is hope that Allah (swt) will forgives iA. You don't have to tell anything to your future husband as Allah (swt) will conceal your past; stay away from such relationships in the future because this may ruin your life as these have ruined the lives of many.

      If you want a detailed answer please log-in and write your question as a separate post. May you live a happy married life full of love, respect, honesty and prosperity. Amin.

      Muhammad1982,
      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  5. Salam sister

    I must be honest with you. It's like you are looking for all that drama and then when you're in the middle of it you're still not satisfied. Why would you make the same mistake twice?

    You need to come closer to Allah swt, because only the will you feel like you're life has a purpose.

  6. Salam. I wouldn't say I'm in a similar situation to the sister who posted but there is some resemblance.

    (Remainder of question has been deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

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