Two failed online relationships! Now what?
I am a young girl of 19 years (turned 19). When I was a child, I was quite over-sensitive, shy and poetic, till the age of 12. But during my teenage, I became one of the most beautiful, funny, popular, extrovert and prettiest girl with a spark. I belong to a family and country where I don't have much people to date and it's not considered good thing to get physical before wedding.
Usually, people go for an arranged marriage. But my parents didn't have a good arranged marriage, and since the time I was 2 years old, my father moved out and I got to see him only once a week. We never had a loving or friendly relationship with him, but a formal one. My mother was very much attached to me and so was I. I used to sleep, eat, study, watch TV, play with my mother for many years. Saying that, I didn't want to have an arranged marriage, nor did I want to go for physical relationship.
When I was 17 years old I found a 23 years old disabled guy online, he was from another country (near my country, same culture, language etc), he proposed to me since he had the same family background & religious trends. I accepted his proposal because of sympathy, we NEVER had a chemistry or attraction. He was a motherless guy and I tried my best to support him in every possible way. I started working hard in school, made career plans because of him only (because he was disabled and couldn't study much) to support him, learnt cooking, started praying regularly etc. I felt that I got the purpose of my life, because I used to live a life without purpose and kinda depressed before meeting him online.
It lasted for around 1.5 year, but we had never met. We hardly spoke on phone (because of bills), and used to chat online daily for half or an hour. One day, he gave me his facebook password, and I checked his messages, where I was shocked to read that ALL THE THINGS he ever said to me, he was also messaging to another girl, from around 9-10 months, saying that he loves her and wants to marry her and EVERYTHING that he told me.
He suffered from cerebral ataxia, and was not only physcially disabled but I think he had some mind issues as well. I was hurt and devasted and couldn't eat or drink. Before this thing, whenever we used to fight (though it was VERY rare, hardly 2-3 times in a year, that too for a short time) it felt like my whole life turned upside down when I couldn't be in contact with him. I stopped eating, drinking, sleeping, studying, washing my face, etc. Couldn't even walk and talk properly, until things got better.
But this time, since I SAW his message on FB, I decided NOT to listen to any excuse, and no matter how hard it maybe, I HAVE TO MOVE ON. I was sad, lost and hurt, I use to wake up in night and feel that I am in his city( I felt STRONG connection to that country where he lived). Anyways, my friends supported me, because they all think that I deserved MUCH better, since they KNEW me in real life, and thought of me as a VERY attractive girl (it was a girls high-school, lol).
After two days, I was still sad and wanted to talk it out, I joined a chatroom that was a matrimonial site for Muslims ( I am a Muslim as well). I had almost PROMISED myself that I will NEVER go for an online relation again, and NEVER for someone who didn't live in the same country.. but, the guy who messaged me on that site, he was from the same country my ex belonged to. And in the first chat, it felt like he was my perfect type. But, I decided not to take it on a relationship level, but only as a friend. We started getting closer, and became great friends. and After 5 months, he proposed me and I accepted. He was 26 years old when I was just 18.
I started to get emotional for him, and the thoughts of my ex were just GONE the day I met this guy (that is 2 days after breakup, lol). We were great, I was attracted towards him and there was a real chemistry between us, that I NEVER had with my ex(it was sympathy). Even after being ALL ATTRACTED and great chemistry with this guy, and never remembering my ex, I had become kinda insecure and unstable with my life. I used to feel HIGHLY jealous of this guy's past crushes even, lol, and EVERYONE, and compared every girlfriend's bf to this guy and suffered from highest level of anxieties during all the months of my contact with this new guy.
The day I felt relaxed and calm for the FIRST TIME in my new relationship (after around 7-8 months) was the day we had to end contact. Since we met on a matrimonial site, he insisted me on getting married as soon as possible. My problem was that I had to complete my education, and he said to me that he will try to wait for me, etc. After around 7-8 months of communicating, he started to talk less. I asked him and he said that he felt things weren't working out, because I was not talking to my parents to ensure him that I will marry him and never leave him. Later on, he felt insecure (I guess) and said that he wanted an engagement so that if he waits, he should have a confirmation and that my parents will accept him. One of the problems was that we belonged to different countries. He said that it will be hard for him to wait, since his parents are insisting him to get engaged/married, he's already 27, and never dated anyone and didn't even had any girl that his parents knew of.
Now, it's almost one-two months since then, we hardly talk, but I feel sad. I feel like I am in the same situation I was 1 year back, but this time I DON'T want to find someone else and move on.. I have come to the point of feeling suicidal, I feel empty. I FEEL that I am in that country, suddenly. And I keep on watching the videos of that country(my both bfs) I feel a LARGE bum of REJECTION. Everyone (who met me) told me that I was very attractive and beautiful, I won the Beauty Queen @ my highschool, but have not started college yet. But, these two boys who never even met me, have hurt me so much that I dont want to live. I dont even want to date anyone anymore. I just want to stop feeling rejected, depressed, suicidal and inability to eat and drink.
I completely forgot and forgave my ex, just after meeting the new guy, but he was the only reason I was alive (the new guy, I gave my emotions, happiness and everything in his control). Now when he's gone, I feel like there is NOTHING to look forward to. He doesn't even contact me now, because he told me that its not possible to wait. And I am the one who cries the whole day and night and can't follow my routine and life, just because of so called LOVE with the guys I never met! I am on an emotional roller-coaster with highest anxieties, depression, suicidal thoughts, irrational behavior, jealousy and much more from around one year now.
Please, suggest me a way to get out of all this. I have turned 19, and its my last year of teenage. I am NOT looking for another relationship (though I am going to start a college now where I will meet real people (guys too, my school was only for girls) but I am not interested. I just want to get out of it. My heart pains, aches, and I have NOT been able to come back to the track of my life...since the day my ex cheated on me. That rejection was NOT being dealt with me, now I have another REJECTION(a boy who didn't wait for me).
7 Responses »
Leave a Response