I have to choose between my family or the girl I love and our unborn child
Salaam Brothers & Sisters.
Unfortunately I'm not the first person to post a problem of this nature and I'm sure I won't be the last. I'm aware of several people, Muslims or non-believers, whom have posted related topics on this website. So I am here because my situation is just severe as the rest and I am in desperate need of honest advice and hopefully guidance as to how I go forth from this point.
I want to start of by saying I am a proud Muslim. My religion is very dear to me. However, I have allowed myself to forget that on several occasions during my life. I do not pray to Allah as much as I should but am making a more concerted effort, I ask for his forgiveness every day and try to show Him how grateful I am for all the blessing he has bestowed upon me and my family. Everything good I have or have done in my life I know is due to His will and I am ashamed that I have not always treated my religion with the utmost devotion it deserves.
I have been seeing a non-Muslim girl for coming up to two years now - I know this to be wrong in Islam and can clearly see the problems that can occur because of this. Call it what you will - I followed my heart and built a relationship with this girl whom I love and never thought that I had to look too far into the future. That was all until she told me she had fallen pregnant and I felt the world crumble around me. Of course I know sex before/outside of marriage to be a grave sin - Zina. I feel genuinely regretful that this has happened and maybe on one hand it is the wake up call I needed to realise that what I was doing was completely forbidden in my faith - which I knew.
My girlfriend wanted to keep the baby and after the shock of it all - I came clean to my family which is the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. Obviously it was a consequence of my own actions. Understandably my family were angry, distraught, disgusted and ashamed. The shame I would/have brought on to my family is what really hurt them deeply as well as the fact that I have committed this sin. They wanted her to get rid of the baby and for me to persuade her to do so.
My parents, whom I love with all my life (despite what my actions show), were very clear in their intent - they wanted me to choose, if I chose to go with my girlfriend and raise the baby I would cease to be their son, I wouldn't be allowed back into my family home under any circumstance. My siblings have been slightly more supportive of me during this turmoil but I can tell when I look into their eyes that I have let them down terribly. All this fills me with dread. I am in a very dark place right now and I know I helped put me here but I have wanted to end my life at times - another forbidden sin.
My family are the most important people in my life and I never want to disgrace them again. I pray to Allah for his forgiveness and to bring happiness back into our home. I know you may think I'm a rather pathetic young man and if truth be told I guess I am, you may well think that I'm a poor excuse for a Muslim and I'm sorry to say there may also be some truth in that too. Nevertheless, I do not drink or do anything destructive to my body, I treat people well, have never had any run in with the law - my parents raised me very well and I believe I was a credit to them up to this point. This isn't their fault, I didn't set out to be defiant and never thought I would be the one to cause this all this pain and hurt.
I need your guidance as to how I deal with this further - with Islam as my reason - must I now become a father? I believe no child should be without a dad but I'm worried sick that my parents will disown me and that they will then be black-listed by the Pakistani community when word of this inevitably got out. Tradition, pride and my father's name are key factors in their attitude. I am trying to seek advice from local and national imams because although there are moral, human, loyalty issues all at stake here I want to do what is right Islamically. Despite all the horrid pain I have caused and wrong I have done, I believe Allah will grant me happiness again one day if I serve Him first and foremost.
I may seem like a terrible Muslim to you all but I am not a criminal. I have done wrong yes but I seek forgiveness for my sins and want to put my life and my mistakes right. Help me please, what do I do?
-lostboy
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ASA lostboy!
I must say that as I read your post, I could not help my tears...
First of all, Im very happy that you are asking Allah swt for forgiveness, and you want to be a good Muslim! I am not here to judge you, rather to give help you in any way that I can. I understand this is a very difficult situation, for you, & your family. But where are the girls feelings in all this? All you said is how bad you feel about doing what you did and your family, and the name and so on. But brother, this must be a very difficult situation for this girl! Asking her to "kill" her unborn child is not easy, and I can understand why she has refused! As you have said, you have commited a sin, by having sex before marriage...but killing the child is another sin. Please correct me if im wrong, but I believe that Islam is 100% against abortion, unless of course, the mother's life is in danger, and some scholars will say if it was a rape. But other than that, we should not have an abortion, just because of what "people will say", and in regards to your family...I guess its time for you to grow up and take full responsibility. Either way someone will end up losing. The key point here is who? Your family will kick you out or you will kick this child out of your life ( and to be honest, he/she has no fault in this). Your family can say one thing now, but you dont know what can happen months or years from now when they see your baby, inshallah! I guess what im trying to say brother, is talk to this girl. Ask her what it is that she wants, ask her if she is willing to convert (from her heart,and for the sake of Allah and Allah only), ask her to marry her, have your child, and together start a family based on Islamic laws. Start doing things right, from this point on! Not everything is lost!
Act like the man, and Muslim you are, and May Allah swt guide you and help you in such difficult times!
AMIRA
Asalamoalaikim brother lastboy,
You’re situation as you’ve mentioned has unfortunately is starting to become the “common norm” of our Muslims today.
Part of living in this world and being able to make free choices means that we have to face the consequences of them also: either positive or negative.
Abortion is haram in islam except for in specific situations (i.e: when a mother’s life is in danger or the person is a rape victim). In your case however, it was consensual so you now have to man up and face the responsibility of your actions. I am being stern with you because I can sense through your post that you are an intelligent young man, but you lost track of your deen and you’re wake up call from Allah swt is this pregnancy.
Please, do not force your girl friend to abort the child. Although your actions were haram, the child is not. In this case, I would like to ask you, is your girl friend interested in pursing Islam? Have you ever discussed this option with her? If she is, then maybe you guys should get married and give your baby the love and nurturance it deserves through the halal way.
Your parent’s reaction is justified. Coming from a Pakistani community myself, I know how important the “honour issue” is and you are correct; they may even be shunned upon and “black listed” within this community. But brother, you can’t justify a haram action (i.e.: zina) with another haram action (aborting your child); two wrongs don’t make a right.
You will have to face yourself, your family and the world one day. This is your reality and as I’ve mentioned earlier you now have to man up to your responsibility. Explain to your family that you understand them 100% but you cannot commit another haram action. On the day of qaymat, you’re parents will also be held accountable if you and your family forcibly get your girl friend to abort this child. At that time, this “Pakistani community” will not be there to shun you guys or offer their good deeds. So now is the time for you and your family to be strong and take the right decision: the Islamic decision.
This journey will be tough but it’s something you have to face.
Stay strong brother
-Helping Sister
Son,
As humans, we tend to mess up...some more than others. Nevertheless, Allah is most forgiving.
Do you love this young girl? Do you think she would make a good wife and mother to your child? Is she someone you want to spend your life with? Those are important questions to ask yourself.
Peace
As salamu alaykum, brother lostboy,
You are a father since the moment you conceived your baby, then face it, accept it , acknowledge it and don´t let your baby alone in this world because you or your family see him or her as a mistake, your baby is not a mistake or something you can rid off, is a human being with all the rigths to have a life as you do, insha´Allah.
Allah(swt) has given you the blessing of waking up to your sins sending you your baby, your sins are not his or her fault, are your fault you are the one that should repent for your sins and act consequentely with your beliefs, be a honest muslim man from now on, face your situation as a straight muslim man and if your family disown you, that´s it, only Allah(swt) can stop that.
Killing yourself is not a solution, fighting against your family is not the solution, you have done it wrong and you know it, then face the consequences of your acts and move on doing what is the appropiate to do in this situation, you say you are talking to Imans to know the best procedure, then do the best for all of you, insha´Allah.
Your baby is already in this world and is your responsibility. May Allah(swt) help and guide all of us in all the steps we take. Ameen.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu Allaykum Lost Boy.
It is not an easy thing what you are going through but all praise be to Allah who made you remember and come to Allah.
Every human being makes mistake and the best of them is the one who comes back and repent their mistake. We ask Allah to make the matters easy for you.
There is no doubt that you have committed big sin and the result of that there is unborn child. As you said your parents told you kill the baby which is another major sin. Killing innocent person is one of the major sins after shirk (making partner with Allah). I am not here to judge you but I need to inform you don’t resolve mistake with another mistake.
1- Discuss the girl you are with about Islam and if she wants to embrace it.
2- Please do not become a baby killer and try to advice her to keep the baby. We never know that this baby may bring joy and happiness to your family.
3- Start praying regularly and keep remember Allah at all time.
You will be going through a trial so be patient because Allah is with those who are patients.
lostboy,
when I see your situation then I feel what your girls feeling.
I can not give any good answer in Islam as I am a convert.
I just can tell you that please think of your girl and baby too.
I also committd to Pakistan man who got arab citizen..its very difficult to understand your culture..but you are soooo much better than my man..atleast u r trying to fix it.
What a situation indeed. Firstly I think you must ask yourselves of your parents motives in this. They certainly don't ask for abortion or threaten a cut out in the name of Allah. So why do they want this for themselves? Of course they are right to be angry and they are right to be disappointed in you. But when they put their own desires before Allah they are not helping anyone least of all themselves. You talk in all this of your family. But what of this girl you say you love? Does she love you? She wants the baby, so mu guess is she wants you too? You are half the responsibilty of getting her pregnant so you have to be half the responsibilty for raising the child? If you are truly repentent for your sins then part of this repentence is to accept this child as yours and raise it in the best way possible - if you turn your back how can you be fully repentent? Please think also on the pain this girl is going through. She made part of the situation so her share of pain is due too. But think on pregnancy and how difficult is is physically on a woman body. And on a woman emotion. Tis a trying time for women in a good situation, but with all this drama it must be even harder. Do what you can to ease her anxiety. This will not be good for your baby development. You ask "must I now become a father", lostboy you already are a father! The time is now to start behaving like one. Things with your family are very difficult, but I see you have a pure heart and this will help make things right with them in the long run. Do what is right by your child and this girl (you can't ask her to do your job for you alone). In time your family will understand and with Allah in their hearts forgive this. What grandparent can't melt in the sight of their grandchild?
You are in our prayers
Assalamu Alaykom
Dear Brother,
I am sorry to hear your story. It is another common post where culture has taken precedence above what is morally and Islamically correct.
You seem like a very intelligent and remorseful person. InshaAllah you will be forgiven for your sins. However, in the same breath that which you state your remorse and willingness to change for the better, you talk of mostly a cultural barrier that should have little, if not anything, to do with your choice in this matter.
We do not know the extent of your intentions with this girl who will now be bonded to you for the rest of your life through parenthood. But whatever they may be or were is really beside the point at this stage. She is pregnant with YOUR child. You WILL be a Father whether you want to or not. Your parents WILL be Grandparents whether they want to or not. There is no choice in the matter. As the others have stated, abortion is NOT an option to "get rid" of this mistake you two made. The only thing left to do is the moral and Islamic correct thing, take care of it. Whether you remain with this girl or not, whether you love her or not, whether you choose to marry her or not, the child is coming and you are responsible for it.
If your parents are thinking that by forcing or coercing you to act as they please merely to avoid GOSSIP(which is ALL that it boils down to. Be honest here, we're talking South Asian culture. Image is EVERYTHING to them. It even trumps Islam the majority of the time) will solve this "problem" then they're wrong. I will tell why--I've seen this with my own eyes by the way.
Say you abide by their wishes as to not cause anymore harm and you cut all contact with the Mother of your child and your child. You go on to marry the girl they choose and over time everyone "forgets" that little problem that came up. But, it is not forgotten because YOU and your parents will know that somewhere in this world there is a child with YOURS and THEIR blood coursing through it's veins. Your wife will most likely not know of this incident or child. You and your parents will have to keep this secret from her forever. What a horrible way to live--with such a heavy secret hanging over everyone's head. Not to mention, you will go on to have other children inshaAllah and the day your child with your wife is born will change you forever. Every time you look at your child, you WILL THINK of your other child. While your love for your child builds each day, as you become an active and loving father inshaAllah, you will be reminded that there is another child in this world who deserves this same love from you. That child did nothing to be abandoned by you. You will learn as time goes on and you WILL regret the position you allowed your parents to put you in.
How about you sit and talk again to your parents. Tell them how unislamic this proposition they have given you is. How about you show them in their face what a good son they raised(and they DID raise a good son. Everyone makes mistakes and strays from the correct path alhamdulilah Allah swt is Oft-Forgiving). You made a mistake. You acknowledged it. Now OWN it. That is what they raised you to do right? To be a good person with morals and respect and deen? You made a mistake, you repented, you asked for forgiveness. Now you need to leave it in Allah's hands and help them to understand, in any way you can, that you should not run from your mistake or abandon your responsibility. This child has rights over you the same as they do. If your parents are more concerned about all the gossip from aunties, and uncles, and neighbors that they would so easily forget the part where they should NOT sever family ties, then I am afraid that they are letting culture dictate their actions instead of being Muslims first. Perhaps you should remind them of this in the most gentle of ways.
Your whole entire post you are worried most about your parents and what they will look like in society, the burden they have unfairly laid upon you for your choices. You should be worried instead about your day before your Lord and how you will answer to abandoning your own child. Will you say..."oh, but I was honoring my Mother"? And was your Mother being fair? Are your parents being fair here? Are they acting in accordance to Islam? Is there ultimatum based upon Islamic principles? It appears the way you have stated, and with such a harsh statement from them, that they are not. They are simply afraid of their pride being hurt and their names being tainted. How sad. How sad that they would put their son in such a position, that they would denounce him and cut all ties with him to keep up a reputation from the very people who are sitting waiting to destroy it. So pointless. So sad and a story that is replayed daily in the Desi community and our Ummah. Where has Islam gone?
I pray that Allah swt gives you the strength to do the right thing. That He forgives you your sins and that He also helps you in this time of great pain you are experiencing. I pray that your child is born healthy and that He provides you the means to take care of the child in the best way you can--married to the mother or not. I pray that Allah swt will open the hearts of your parents and show them with clarity how wrong it is to think the way they do and that they need to be Muslims FIRST and then whatever culture they are as long as it doesn't interfere with practicing the deen correctly. Ameen
Hold your head high Brother. Accept what you have done. FORGIVE YOURSELF. Then do the right thing. You've already done more than a lot of Brothers in your situation, you TOLD them...you came clean. That is a statement of your character and how they raised you(and it is a good thing). Keeping in mind what is Islamically correct or better. Forgive your parents for they are so enthralled in their culture that they cannot see past it. They think this is better for you, that their way is the best way to deal with this and forcing you to do what they want--emotionally blackmailing you--is the only way they know how. They are scared too. They are afraid for you. They are afraid for themselves. However, I believe from your post they are afraid for the wrong reasons. They fear the wrong person(s)
Before I go, perhaps you can use this unfortunate opportunity as a means to educate friends and family--the youth--of how important it is to abide by the rules of our religion and try as best as they can to stay on the straight path. There is a lesson here for all involved and everyone who happens to come upon this post. Make something good come from this. It may breaks hearts, it may cause tension and even dare I say, loss of family ties, but in the end, if you did the right thing and chose to act in an Islamic manner, you will have turned a negative into a positive. Stay on the path, make lots of dua for your parents and inshaAllah, things will be right with everyone involved with time. It is all you can do. Do not let yourself be unfairly manipulated into doing something that is not what a good Muslim would do. Move forward from this point on.
May Allah forgive me and you as well if I have hurt you or assumed something that was not correct.
This post has stayed on my mind. I think your post name says alot about what you need to find in this problem. You call yourself lostboy and this time in your life demands you are a confident man. This is what you need to find I think. The confidence to do the right thing. The fact that you are here asking for help shows that deep down you know your parents ask for the wrong action here. You need the confidence to be firm in your faith. Accept the gift that Allah has sent you. Be grateful for His lesson and this new life. Acknowledge the pain. Acknowledge thw wrong-doing. Repent. But my friend think also on the joy this new life will bring into your heart. Rejoice in the beauty that is to come your way. The love you will feel for your child does not compare to anything you have known in your life. Don't deny yourself that. Don't deny your child. I wish you and your future well.
Assalamu alaykkum Brother Lostboy,
I believe your case is the one of AI. Forgive me if I am wrong, but my heart says it is she and the guy is you.
And I think it is she who told you about this website. Allah knows best. But my hearts say it is the same case.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/pregnant-have-abortion/
The advices for the guy and girl are here, on this page. Insha Allah this will help you.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Dearest Brothers & Sisters,
May I thank you for all your words, time and advice. As I continue to contact Imams to gain further guidance, the help you have all offered me has been invaluable.
I will try to reply to as many of you as I can personally.
brotherMuniib, thank you for forwarding me that other thread - the situations, however, are completely separate from each other.
I will keep you updated as to how I'm getting on with the whole situation.
In the mean-time I will continue to pray to Allah SWT for forgiveness.
I thank you all.
Lost Boy
Alsalam Alaikum
PLEASE READ MY MESSAGE TO YOU URGENTLY
Do NOT ABORT the baby , it will kill her and you and I know
I am muslima and my ex husband is muslim BUT OUR STORY IS LIKE YOURS 100%
That our society will talk because it is unfashionable to marry a divorcee.
It is too late for me, my baby is gone, my humanity is gone i am broken
please dont break your woman too , dont force her to kill your baby
My humanity died with my baby
Yours will too
Your family are not being true muslims
and asking you to commit murder
Your siblings look at you with hurt, but they will see you worse if you killed your baby.
You will set the right an noble example by accepting responsibility
You are being tested by Allah, no need to ask, i can tell you I KNOW ( MY heart bleeds as much as I know)
You will be considered Zani but in ISlam the atonment of zina is to marry the woman whom you did that with
The wrong will be right
Inshallah the sin will be transfered into hasanat and good deeds
You will save the life that Allah placed under your care, not just the babys but also the mother
Dont forget one thing, Allahs breath is in each one of us, in your baby too
You are not allowed to take it away
My babys life was stolen from me
im broken
For the sake of our deen do not kill your baby.
Your family will not disown you, and if they do that is their test
They have no islamic right to do so
you must worship Allah only, be a good son but worship is only for Allah. For you will go to your grave alone and face Allah alone
Your family will come around, your babys life and the heart of its mother wont
Raise your baby righteous, learn from this lesson and raise your to be wife into Islam
If she wont convert your child is muslim.
I pray that Allah guides you , That Allah softens the heart of your family
That your babys comes into the world loved and protected by you.