Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I still have flashbacks about my same sex relationship

Assalam-o-alaikum,

Im a 19 year old girl. And I have a best friend who is a year older than me. Our friendship is very strong. We have been together for a more than a year, but since the day we first talked we felt like we belong together as friends.

thoughtsShe is the first and the only girl I ever met that made me think that I might like her more than a friend. I always treated her with love and care, that made her close to me. She shared her secrets with me, there was a time when she went through a lot in her family and she was almost devestated and now she admits out loud that if havent been there for her she wouldnt have made it. So we are two best friends who look out for each other. But the trouble begins here. I felt like I loved her more than a friend. she's a beautiful person. inside out.

So I try to ignore my feelings and tell myself that there is no such feeling that exists between us. We are two grown up people who understand eachother a lot. But the way we treated each other, was nothing as friends did. We were protective about each other. Possessive about each other. I was confused about what it was. But then I started feeling like I want her. Whenever we met, we hugged for so long. And when we did hug we didn't feel like letting each other go.

So she went to her country for vacations for a month. And she kinda disappeared on me. And that one month was hell for me.  I ached to hear her voice and to hug her. Still then I told myself that she is my best friend and I love her as a friend.

By the way we both are happily committed to our cousins. And I used to tell myself that we are committed to 2 guys who love us a lot. And we respect them. They think of us as their wives. We haven't ever crossed any kind of limits with them because we value pure relations! Then why is this illegal feeling coming in between?

So when she came back I told her that I love her, more than a friend. She told me to move on. She told me that our friendship might end. And she told me that we belong to two men who will marry us and be our family.

I promised her that I will. And I tried and tried for the sake of our friendship and our future husbands. But I couldn't, she always told me that she is with me and she will help me get over her. But how could I get over her when she is there right in front of me?

She even said that she can back off for a while so I can have my time but I needed her, as my best friend. I needed her to hold me when I break down and since she's my only best friend and this was not an issue I can discuss with anyone else. I asked her to stay with me and I told her that I will work on getting over her.

One suspicious thing was that she never really tried to stop me, she was like, I like the way you love me and protect me but I cant love you back, it is not possible. I never thought of you in that manner. I even asked her what was wrong in me that she wouldn't love me back. It wasnt lust or desires or physical needs, it was just that I loved her more than a friend.

Anyway, she was always kept asking me to tell her that I love her and I did. Day by day I took hold of myself. Telling myself that she doesn't love me.  She;s just my best friend. And one day out of nowhere she broke down in front of me and told me that she loves me too! And she told me that she is afraid that she's gonna lose me as a friend too. Because we have to get married to men one day. And she cannot betray her husband.

So I told her that for me it's just enough that she loves me. But she said she wants to try us out. She wants to LOVE me more than a friend. But she also said that I have to get hurt because one day she will realize she's doing wrong and she wont be able to take it and she'll break it off.  And I promised her that no matter what I will be here as her best friend.

So we were together and happy. We never kissed or touched eachother the wrong way. We just loved each other more than friends. If we felt something we just told each other like I feel like kissing you right now, and stuff. But almost everyday she used to tell me that this is wrong we are not allowed. I was at that time not inclined towards Islam at all. I didn't pray, I didn't recite Quran. I didn't do anything a good muslim girl would do.

Everyday she used to tell me that she might end this, this isn't right in Islam and as a human being. And the moment she used to say that either I had a major mood swing or I used to go silent for a long long time while she would be on the phone begging me to speak up, and one time I actually couldnt breathe and she begged me to have control and promised me she won't leave me. We used to talk to each other on phone, for hours.  In the night in the morning. We used to tell eachother we love each other. we used to love each other, imagining that we are doing something . Not really but yeah we did, while on chats or on the phone. We used to talk to eachother while we slept online on the phone.

So one day I talked to her. And she was perfectly alright. And I went for my class. There, I checked my facebook, and there was her message in my inbox from her. She sent me a link and she typed there below it that "read this I can't sleep after I read this"

She was herself diverting to Islam. I knew that and I didn't like it because I knew she would go away then. So I came home and opened that link and in there it was written about the punishment of homosexuality in Islam. I couldn't read all of it. I closed it and called her up.  And asked her to end it.  She was happy that I was understanding. From that day we decided to come near ALLAH once again. We asked for forgiveness. We never talked in bad manner. And we stopped pretending like we are a couple.

I must admit I'm at ease. I feel light. And I'm glad that she pulled me out of it. And I hope that ALLAH will forgive me. I offer all five prayers. I recite the Quran. I beg for forgivness whenever I think about the hereafter, because I did commit a big sin. And I'm sure that ALLAH will have mercy on me. We are still best friends and we are there for each other no matter what. We try to purify our friendship. Losing her as a friend is not an option.

The thing that bothers me is that I sometimes get flashbacks of what we were, I hear her voice in my head when she took my name and when she told me she loves me. And I very rarely imagine her coming near me, grabbing me for a kiss, holding me tight in a hug.

I know I shouldn't but who has control over thoughts right? I want to think of her as a pure object. I want to think of her as my best friend. I do most of the time but sometimes I can't.  And it scares me because I asked and begged for forgiveness and I don't want all that to go in vain, I want to be a good Muslim. I have changed my way of life and I'm satisfied with it. But I can't help when sometimes I get these thoughts. I chase them away there and then, but I  want to know in light of Islam is that enough? just to have thoughts or flash back of something that is forbidden?

I have committed enough sins and I don't want to commit anymore.

JAZAKALLA KHAYRAN.

- contagious15

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5 Responses »

  1. This has been posted before am i right?

  2. Salaam,

    Stay on the righteous path, do not contact this girl again. Your relationship with her the moment you expressed feelings beyond friendship was haraam.

    May Allah give you the strength to keep you on the right path and not to go down a filthy and shameless path,

    The punishment for homosexuality is severe, fear that more than anything else.

  3. Your protection from every whispering of Shaytaan calling you to evil is this ..

    “And if an evil whisper from Shaytaan (Satan) tries to turn you away (O Muhammad) (from doing good), then seek refuge in Allaah. Verily, He is the All Hearer, the All Knower”[Fussilat 41:36]

    “And if an evil whisper comes to you from Shaytaan (Satan), then seek refuge with Allaah. Verily, He is All-Hearer, All-Knower”

    [al-A’raaf 7:200]

    It was narrated from Sulaymaan ibn Sard that two men were trading insults in the presence of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon them), until the face of one of them turned red. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “I know a word which, if he were to say it, what he is suffering from would go away: ‘A’oodhu Billaahi min al-Shaytaan il-rajeem (I seek refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan).’”

    (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3108; Muslim, 2610)

  4. You should end this friendship right now gracefully, rather than having a mess, because you may turn back to your previous path if you continue to be with her, try to focus on your future life, think about your marriage, you should be loyal to your future partner.
    Move on, Be a good Muslim. May ALLAH(swt) bless you and show you the right path. ameen

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