Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I convince my husband to use protection on our wedding night?

I want to get to know my husband before we start a family... How can I convince him to respect my wishes?

I want to get to know my husband before we start a family... How can I convince him to respect my wishes?

Asalam o alaikum I am about to get married on this November the 7th INSHA ALLAH. Me and my fiance don't talk and I'm scared, I don't know him at all.

His family background and brought up is a total opposite of mine. He seems orthodox and I have liberal views in Islam. Last night he sent me a message for the first time on facebook saying I think you should remove your display picture. I was like well that escalated quickly, one day I am your na mehram and you won't talk to me and now just few days before wedding you are passing strong orders.

So anyway I am scared to death of what might come in future. I have my studies pending and definitely am not looking to get pregnant before I know nothing about my husband. I need time to be able to trust him and I think having a baby is a mutual consent and I have an equal say in that matter. But he seems to love kids! He has mentioned this to my sister that He loves babies and has DP of a baby.

So I guess he's not gonna settle down or even hear what I have to say. I know that contraceptive pills or birth control measures may cause trouble in future pregnancy , so I don't wanna take risks. Only option I see is him using a protection. The question is how am I even gonna say this to him? let alone convince him 🙁

Please Help me out on this I would appreciate helping comments with no judging please. Leave some for ALLAH 🙂

ghina abbas

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27 Responses »

  1. best of luck God give you happy all the world my prayers always with you

  2. Hi sister,
    Not to encourage deceit in your house, but if you don't want to get pregnant, there are devices you could use to prevent pregnancy. there is more that the pill to prevent getting pregnant, so you don't have go see a doctor and have monthly charges for birth control medicine, the device you insert and then when you're done, you wash it and put it in it's case and reuse it. I know men abroad gain a lot of power from keeping their wives at a social and financial disadvantage so this may not be welcomed advice, but lack of access to adequate birth control is a key variable in the social and cultural problems facing women in developing and underdeveloped nations. If you're in the west, then you have a bit more social support. If you're not, then I'd suggest getting a hold of a female birth control device, and in privacy inserting it to get familiar with how it works and feels. Once inserted, he shouldn't feel it is there, and may not even know the difference if he's never had sex before. Be proactive in facing the cultural issues that prevent you from having control over your reproductive options, kids are a right of his but it's reasonable of you to want to get to know him first. We've all read how men can change once the wife is stuck pregnant in a marriage, no one wants to be powerless and vulnerable to potential abuse.

  3. wa alaykum assalam sister,

    if i was in your shoes, i would definitly NOT marry this man, since you said you do not even know him??? how can you marry someone you do not even know???

    you both should meet few times with a maharam and talk about everything, it is SO important to know his likes and dislikes, his character BEFORE marriage. A lot of women make this mistake and marry someone who they dont know or ignore all the red signs, once they are married they stay in an abusive marriage or they want divorce! why not talk about all those important things BEFORE you sign the contract??

    Also, its your right to choose when you want to get pregnant!! and you definitly have to talk to him about this before marriage(there is nothing wrong with it, talking about those things is a MUST,,you dont need to be ashemed about it), when do you plan to get your first baby, how many babies do you want, how do you want to raise your kids, are you going to live seperatly without the in laws , does he have a bad temper?does he pray?does he have a problem with you studying?does he have a problem with you working after marriage???does he have a stable/halal job?.....ect you need to ask a LOT of questions dear, it is your right, marriage its a lifetime commitment so choose wisley...and dont forget to pray istikhara before you make a decision! May Allah swt bless you with a righteous husband ameen

    • Even after knowing for so many years people get divorced ..this website had lot of such cases ..marriage is different ball game together ..

  4. Dear Sister,

    I would suggest you have a talk with your future husband in the presence of a mahram about your values in life and the future you are expecting.

    If you want to become more pious and settle in an orthodox way of life then well and good.

    But if it's very hard for you to change your ways then I would suggest you make it clear to him before marriage.

    If both of your opinions are very very different then there will be lots of issues in the married life and I hope not to see you post another question on this site because of problems in your marriage which could have been avoided.

    It is better to have a broken engagement than to have a broken marriage.

    It's good that there is still time for the wedding. So use this time to make sure that you both are right for each other. Open your heart to him and express your open minded and liberal views in life and then both of you decide whether you want to proceed or not.

    May Allah grant you a beautiful marriage.

  5. Dear sister
    I'm trying to be polite and going to suggest get a coil put in, it will save you from loads of trouble, trust me.
    I did that straight after marriage and guess what he didn't even know, plus I have Marshalla kids now, as when I was ready I got it removed.
    There is no trouble with it and doesn't hurt either, no such thing as problems getting pregnant.
    Be happy, and get to know your husband and when ready to have kids get the coil removed. All insha Allah will be okay. Good luck and a happy marriage.
    Allah bless.

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    If you're feeling scared, it's important to remember your rights and that you have options.

    Firstly, you don't have to get married if you don't want to. Take time before the wedding date to get to know your potential husband - have some chaperoned meetings with him, to find out what he is like as a person. If you then feel that the two of you aren't compatible, you have the right to refuse to marry him.

    Secondly, you don't have to have sex on your wedding night. Sex is extremely intimate, and if the two of you don't know each other well, you may not feel ready for that level of intimacy on the first night. That's ok - lots of couples don't have sex until they feel they know each other better. You have the right to give or refuse consent for sex, so don't be afraid to speak up if you don't feel ready.

    If you're afraid that your fiance isn't the type of guy who'd respect your thoughts and feelings about sex and starting a family, then it might be that he isn't the type of guy you want to be rushing into marrying and having sex with... I personally wouldn't want to marry a man who I thought wouldn't respect me.

    Before making any final decision, though, pray istikhara and trust in Allah to guide you to what is best for you in this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Agreed, you don't have to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with. Also, contraceptive pills don't cause harm in the long run, of course there are associated side effects/risks but the doctor will discuss this with you beforehand.

  7. You're right, That escalated quickly, I hope he does not demand stuff from you when you get married to him, if you marry him that is - it's not too late to change your mind, you have a say in this, its your life. I think children should have been something u spoke about before saying yes, of course it's not too late, you're not married yet. If you haven't yet, I think you should pray istiqhara before getting married.

  8. Assalam alaikum,

    If you want to be educated and take the time to know your husband before having children, there is nothing wrong in that and there is no reason to keep this a secret. You should be comfortable enough to let your future husband know this. If this is not the case, you seriously need to reconsider if this person is right for you and/or if you are the right match for him.

    Secondly, it isn't wise to secretly go about birth control as suggested by others. I would recommend that to someone who was already married and in a difficult marriage--but since you are not married and not in that predicament, I would rather tell you NOT to marry this person.

    It seems that you are someone who wants to have an independent voice in your marriage especially regarding pregnancy--and why wouldn't you? You would be going through all sorts of changes with a growing baby inside of you--it is no joking matter--I would seriously reconsider your decision.

    Your future husband is your non-mehram--he has asked you to remove your display picture, but he really has no right to--but he isn't afraid to make his view known to you. Similarly, you should also not be afraid to make your view known that you have certain expectations in mind.

    Stop being afraid before you start living a life you don't want. You don't deserve that, neither does this man and nor do any children that the both of you may have.

    May Allah swt help you in the best decision for your life and your fiancee's life. May Allah swt give you strength to practice the beliefs that you hold. Ameen.

  9. Walykum asslam. Dear sister wish you a very blessed life ahead. But before signing the final contract plz make it sure that you both get know each other earlier. Its necessary for your life. After being in this relationship you just have to make efforts to continue with it by all means. So think about it and talk about this relationship. Before being in this relationship.

  10. your future husband is asking you to remove your display picture? why? these days 90% of the women has started to keep their original picture on display ,people are now more open minded there is no point or reason that the other person will use your dp. you can report that id too and if your family, friends trust you you should never be afraid of getting your pictures used.
    its simple he is a controlling person and he will demand more things after marriage at first it will look like very nice and loving but with the passage of time you will get sick and fed up offcourse you are going to be a wife not a SLAVE.
    if i were at your place i would have thrown him in a dust bin with his head inside the dustbin and legs all stand up. i dont think he is a right person but you should discuss everything before marriage.
    if he will let go outside alone for shopping, buying things,
    if he will permit you to meet your friends or if he will let you meet your other family members cousins etc
    about veil etc or he will allow you to wear make up such type of guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. you must clear this before marriage .

  11. Honestly talk to your future husband before marriage if you can because this will give you an idea if this man is right or not. I personally will say from experience is don't think about your parents or family. Think about whats important to you discuss openly things/issues that arise within marriage beforehand at least then you tried and figured what you wanted. It is wrong for you to do things secretly without him NOT knowing this unfair to lead him on and in my eyes this is haraam. Honesty is best policy there's no point being married if it is based on lies. Be honest and open your voice. There is no need to feel scared even if you speak up at least this way you done nothing wrong. I am sure he will understand if you give him a chance.

    I really wish you all the very best and may Allah give you all the happiness and blessing inshAllah.

  12. Salam alaikum sister Ghina,

    I think most of the commenters here are seeing that there is a real problem with the picture you presented, and it does not start with sex. The big issue is that the two of you do not feel comfortable TALKING.

    If you two were speaking different languages, you would still want to form a connection through signs...but it is unadvisable to rush into marrying someone for the rest of your life that you do not know at all. There are ways of speaking to a non-mehrem without being haram, such as in the presence of a maherem or wali or even Cc your maherem on any emails or texts. But SPEAK TO YOUR FIANCE before you get married.

    You didn't tell us how you met him, or if you ever met him, or who suggested him to you, or if it's amarriage to satisfy your family pressures. Whatever the story is, you need to take control of the situation and find out who this guy really is before it's too late. InshAllah he will end up to be a nice guy, but you never know, so please TALK TO HIM.

    Salam,
    Shereen

  13. I was about to write something similar, thanks Saba for giving an excellent advice.

    In my mind, I understand the pressure of you IF you doubt or even want to pull off the wedding because NOW you are already doubting and try to juggle to fit in your future husband's standard. The question for you is why should you put yourself into a uncomfortable situation knowing that he may not be the one fit for your view.

    However, do try to openly discuss with him about your wish to continue education and deferred pregnancy. You should have a feel of his response. DO NOT hide from him as it is your right and DO NOT compromise by accepting only using male contraceptive method – condom or withdrawal ONLY. I heard many times that the male can cheat and make the female pregnant. (A friend of mine aged 20 got married while in college. The husband promised to use precaution on his side ONLY and forbade her to use any female contraceptive. She got pregnant in her third year of college. Her words: nothing can I do. She insisted on finishing but have to change her major to a easy one instead of pursuing of what she wanted. After that, she was told to stay home to take care of the baby. After that is one baby after another one as her husband wants baby. Fortunately, my friend does not mind and she seems to me that she is OK with the arrangement.) Is it OK with you if it happens to you? Ask yourself.

    Try to sense him if he likes you to continue education or even work afterwards. This should not come in as surprise after marriage, you should get the hang of how he approaches those subjects. This is your call and it will be a BOLD call to cancel the wedding if it is necessary. Anyone can predict the drama will have aroused from your family and your community. Again, this is your future, take hold of it when you can; otherwise, you may end up like one of those posts telling us the stress and conflict in your marriage. The moral here is better to deal with the problems/issues now than waiting to be an issue!

    • Some times both open minded couple agrees and take all precautions to avoid pregnancy by mutual agreement but still ends up getting pregnant in first few months of marriage. .. I think above sister should delay martiage if she is not ready .

      • Medically speaking, the chances are very very slim if both take precaution. Imagine if it is a condom failure but the female takes pills or wear devices, it serves as a double guard. In fact, wearing device has a very high percentage of preventing pregnancy. I want to say 99 % but I need to check for each device reliability. "Accident" highly likely to happen if one part fails to take precaution intentionally or unintentionally, then the chance of pregnancy will increase. However, if God wishes, anything can happen! As per se, I agree with you that the poster is not ready for marriage.

  14. As'salam O Alaikum Warahmatullahe Wabarakatohu

    Dear Sister,

    I am sorry if this is no quick fix, but I believe the only thing to do is to talk to him. I know it's not easy, we are insecure when talking about intimate matters, but I think there's really no other way. I will make dua for you and your husband. May Allah bless your marriage. Aameen

  15. If this guy doesn't want to speak to you before marriage, something which is completely permissible and advisable you shouldn't marry him, its not fair on you that because of his wants that are not in conjunction with Islam you have to be completely terrified about the prospect of marrying him, and know nothing about him, why are you even engaged to him sister? and why is he ok with chatting to you sister about his desire to have children, but not ok in talking to you in regards to marriage?

    I'm so shocked that some peoples advice is to get a sneaky coil fitted as oppose to address the behavior of your fiance and the status of this bizzare arrangement, it sounds like this guy is going to be a nightmare to be honest, he doesn't have the authority to be telling you what to do at this stage and he definitely has no place.

    I would reconsider even marrying this guy sister, you can't second guess who the man is or simply hope for the best, how about you send him a message saying you require some discussion regarding the impending wedding date, if he says no get rid sister this is madness ......

  16. Assalamualikum My Dear Sister

    Having sex on the first night isn't necessary and you can refuse as long as you are not intentionally doing it. You want to get comfortable, you can no worries at all! Many males bully women they can't refuse which is completely Stupid! You have a full right to refuse until unless you are comfortable with him.

    I believe first night should be of talking friendly, hugging, kissing and sharing each other views and having a bit of chit chat and with passage of time sex happens automatically rather than jumping into sex right on first night.

    My view is, what is the difference between us and animals? Animals also don't know each other and they mate with anyone. But in human we mate with the one we marry but without knowing her.

    REMEMBER: Forcing is haram in Islam and getting angry on refusal is desperation and stupidity. Both partners have equal rights which should be respected. Males aren't dominant.

    Better is to know each other first so you can comfortable!

    ALLAH Knows Best!

    Visit this so your problem can be solved: http://islamfeminism.blogspot.com/2015/08/sex-on-first-night-obligatory-shadi-ke.html

  17. COME TO THE OUR RELIGION
    ISLAM
    WITHOUT TELLING YOUR HUSBAND AND USING SOME DEVICES AS SUGGESTED TO U SOMEBODY. ITS GUNAH IN ISLAM.
    THE MAIN AND ACTUAL THING IS TO SPENT LIFE AS ORDERED BY ALLAH. STUDY IS NOT AS NECESSARY AS TO GET MARRIED AND GIVE BIRTHS.
    SO ITS UP TO YOU.
    I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH

  18. Good luck SIS ...I will pray to Allah for you that he gives you 10 babies inshallah.

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