Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How more patient should I be?!

domestic violence husband father

Domestic Abuse... There's NEVER an excuse! Violence against women has NO PLACE in Islam!

i am married to an English man, not sure if he converted for me or if he is into the religion, however i doubt the later one now. Anyway, we had issues since the honeymoon period, he started the name calling which was a great shock to me. 5 months down the line, i got pregnant, i remember that phase of my life so clearly, i remember being upset alot of the times, was blaming on the fact he never had a woman in his life so he doesnt know how to deal with one. Things got worse after our son was born, our arguments got worse, i retaliate back because he always gets my family involved, he wants to control money even though we both used to work. He used to blame his stress by studying part time plus full time work plus being a new dad. I told him to go full time on his studies to get it all done with quickly and i would work full time which i did. So many things happened after the birth of our son who is now 18 months. He punched in the back of my head and today he strangled me for 5-10 seconds and not to mention the name calling. I am still in shock, i no longer get upset and i try to put a strong face, even to myself i try not to break down in tears, when infact i really want to cry.

i tried counselling, but because of his uni commitment and my work comittment we can no longer attend those sessions as your meant to come once a week. He applogises after hitting and strangling me which both happened once, and he keeps mentioning not to fone the police because he is stressed and i pushed him over the edge and how this would mean not seeing son as this would be reported as abuse. He always tells me i am his world, i know he will never cheat because its not his personality but how he treats me when he cant handle stress is unbearable.

he is seeing someone for being underweight and advised him not to fast, he is fasting though so he is blaming his behaviour on fasting on top the stress he has.

i dont wanna tell my family, i dont want to appear weak or to be blamed for marrying outside culture because the issue is not culture, its HIM., certainly i dont want to cry, i know i would cry if i open up to someone. My dear friend betrayed me so i stopped being friends with her so i am all alone. I thought about divorce but then i keep thinking i should be more patient for the sake of my son until we are through this phase, but i am so hurt i just dont want him no more. I can live without a man in my life, i dont need one to feel happy. All i am thinking about is my son. I feel lost.

Would things get better?! They always say the first few years of marriage is very rough, is this what people mean by rough?!


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3 Responses »

  1. First 5 years were worse for me,then all become good, hold on,
    You pray? He pray?
    Bring quran in your life.

  2. Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

    Though I am a male I can understand your situation to a greater extent..the thing that struck me most from your mail is the condition of loneliness u mentioned...I am going through a lot in my life in terms of loneliness though I have family and few friends...I always long for a close friend to share my problems unconditionally. but I didn't get any till today at my 29 th year of life...

    sister , I can understand your husband started behaving strangely which is making you weak internally..first thing I want to suggest is try to find out if possible the reason behind his anger whether it is that he is not getting satisfaction sexually from after your delivery or financial issues if any or whatso ever....

    if it is resolvable try to to fix it at the earliest....if u are losing in physical beauty in terms of putting up weight or something try to control ur weight and get back to shape which will eventually make him attractive back to you..if the reason behind his anger is not possible for you to resolve in any way..give him some more time for correcting his behavior..if he is not ready to get corrected....then Leave everything to Allah and look for a separation..u might be thinking how easily I have said will be tough for u I can understand...but Allah will have an ultimate plan for you...give full conviction to that...

    one more if possible try to listen good Islamic speeches by famous speakers...why dnt u try listening to Yasmin mogahed's speech her book reclaim your heart is one of the best books I ever read...May Allah make your matters easy...I will dua for you sister..

    Jazakhallahu Khairan

  3. I would never appreciate violence for the same of marriage. What if one day he kills you and then apologise what will you do. Ask him to stop this kind of behaviour once and for all, give him a last chance and if he does that again leave him for the sake of yourself, your life and your child. You don't want your child to grow up and follow the footprints of his father and grow up by hitting his wife to take out his frustration and stress. You are educated and support your son and your self financially because you want a son who's brought up in a good surrounding and not by watching you being strangled by his father. Think of how it'll effect him. I in the end will suggest you to start performing salah and recite surah kahf everyday if you've a busy schedule just recite last ten verses of surah kahf. I'll pray for you. Be strong because you are not alone you have Allah swt the most merciful. Love you sister

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