Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel like I’m wasting my time waiting for him to change

You deserve to be treated like one. Nobody deserves to be abused.

Assalamu Alaikum. I would like to ask for your advice. I am soon 29, he is only 25.

We started dating 4 years ago and slowly ended up living together, but it was never easy, we always had lots of arguments and break-ups, i always felt like he isn't the one i could live my life with. I came to Islam a year ago, that's when we decided we do Nikah, despite my gut feeling. Im far from perfect, i can say hurtful things when im angry and i have ego problems which i try to overcome. He is generally a calm person, never  spiteful, that's the thing i adore so much in him. I know he loves me to bits from the first time he saw me; i fell in love without even noticing it, he became an important part of my life over the years and especially since i changed my lifestyle, he is my only friend.

However, over this past year there is an ever growing distance between us. I spend 99% of my time at home, once a week or so i go to my in-laws. I focus on the deen, memorizing the Qur'an, taught myself how to read arabic, bettering my cooking skills, learning his language - i am european, he is from mauritius - cleaning and washing for him etc.  He is all the time outside, have dozens of "friends", all drug-addict or drug dealers. He is an everyday weed smoker, wakes up usually at midday or in the afternoon. Most of the time his dad gives us money because he is unable to earn anything, he is a self-employed electrician, a very irresponsible one, doesn't like to work at all. Only time he rushes to do a job when some of his mates come with him to help, then he doesn't even come home he stays sometimes overnight telling me they are working but in the end it always turns out that they barely got anything done.

A couple of weeks into our marriage he started to take crack cocaine, introduced a double life, since then he stopped giving me money, he goes to the shop himself if i need something, spending very very less, actually only the bare minimum so i can survive, and every trip to the corner shop takes him 1 to 3 hours. He goes to his dad to borrow money every other day and to his mom for food if we have nothing to eat at home. His parents are also fed up with him, they know that he takes drugs and they try to talk to him but there is not much they can do, apparently, and same here. He keeps promising that he will fix up, he won't go out at night, he will start praying, start working properly, but none of these happening. Finishing literally any amount of money in a blink of an eye on nothing, he just disappears with his payment for 3 hours and comes back without a penny, and lies so much! Thankfully we don't pay rent because someone arranged me a room for free in the house but it won't be like this forever.

I would like to have a baby but im just terrified what life we will have if he continues with his actions. I just can't trust him at all, i feel like i am at the very bottom on his priorities-list, im all the time alone at home without my husband, he only comes home to get his right fulfilled and to sleep. He never prayed 5 times a day, he rushes through 2 rakats occasionally, like 2-3 times a month, usually when im angry with him, and he has no idea what he saying. He is almost completely illiterate, can read short simple words but definitely not the Qur'an. On Ramadan he fasted 3 days, Alhamdulillah, that's better than nothing, i was very happy about it. He has no idea how to lower his gaze, has very poor personal hygiene, just refusing to go to take a shower for 5-6 days, i never see him brushing his teeth, his nails growing so long and he doesn't take care of himself until i start seriously bully him (i know i shouldn't be mean, but kindly telling him just doesn't work).

I make countless du'as for him but i can't help thinking maybe Allah swt would give me someone better, someone mature and religiously committed if i would just leave him. I know everyone has shortcomings, but i feel like he is taking advantage of me staying next to him and instead of making an effort to change his ways, he thinks he can do anything without consequences. JazakAllah Khayr for reading it.


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3 Responses »

  1. 1. Please DON'T have a baby. It'd very irresponsible and cruel of you (toward your baby) to fall pregnant with a drug addict. When the child grows older, it will 100% resent you for the kind of father you have chosen to give him or her.

    2. Instead of praising yourself for having become the perfect housemaid to your loser husband (congratulations?), teach yourself how to get a job and become financially independent from him. Sorry, I mean from your father-in-law.

    3. Stop waiting for your husband to change. You might have to waste 40 years of your life before that happens. Drug addicts need to feel a strong motivation to change. Your husband doesn't show that motivation or willingness to change, so...either choose to accept this kind of life, or leave him and let him dwell in his own misery.

  2. Assalamoalikum wa rahmatul lahi wa barkatuhu.
    Sister first of all salute to your patience and sabr which allah has provided you.
    You are the first lady to tolerate this much mess.
    Try to talk to your husband's parents and arrange a addiction psychiatrist to help your husband.
    As your parents themselves are giving money for the drugs. I hope k they can also help him to get out of this problem.

    And I completely agree to sister lindita's anwser.
    Please dont think of that particular thing in this type of situation. It could drag your whole life in depression and loads of problems.

    And please if u dont find any changes yet after trying all the tips and tricks, I suggest u to please dont wait too long. Pray to allah regarding your matters, take your parents or someone's help and move on. That could be your last chance.
    That's it and if allah wills all would be awesome.
    We humans can only try in putting affords but results are in Almighty's hands. Allah only sees your affords and provides you based on that affords.
    I hope this may help you a little.

    And you can also watch and make your husband watch the islamic speeches and lectures given by mufti ismail menk based on drud addiction, pornography, relationships and much more.
    In sha allah I will pray for the condition your in.
    May allah protect you and guide you.
    Aameen ya rabb. ☺

  3. DONT ... DONT have a baby. Take EXTREME precautions. No need to tell your moron aka husband.

    Instead of learning housework, please learn some skills which will help you get a job so you can survive alone if needed.

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