Can I Marry My Sister’s Husband if I Become Muslim?
A Bolivian woman with her baby.
My name is Ramya. I am not Muslim. I am 30 years old. My sister is 5 years older than me. She had married before 15 years ago. She has no child. Doctor confirmed that she can’t be carry a child. They suffered a lot without having a child.
I am not interested in marriage although my family compelled for my marriage. But I refused it.
Two years ago, one day my sister came to me and cried a lot for not having child. She asked me to give birth a child for her husband. First I refused her. After that she came daily and cried lot. My family also suggests me to do that for my sister since you are not going to marry, then why you can’t carry a child for your beloved sister.
Then I agreed to carry a child only through artificial insemination. We consulted a doctor. She checked my body and I am good condition for artificial insemination. But the cost of charge she told in lakhs. We are middle class family we can’t pay that amount. We have also consulted two three doctors but the result is same.
My sister started weeping. This time she becomes very serious since she has a faith having a child by me and it suddenly broken. She was affected mentally and physically. I feel pity of my sister. I can’t able see the condition of my sister. So I accepted to my sister to carry a child for her husband by having sex with her husband.
I thought for one day only we have to sex with him. But the condition is different. The doctor told that you can’t be pregnant by one day. At least you have to sex for one month. I have sex with my brother in law for one month. After that I have become pregnant.
After few months I gave birth to a female child. I have been in my sister’s house for this 1 year to feed the child. But 5 months before my sister husband came one night and asked me for sex. I also allowed him because I also started loving him since we have lived husband and wife. Now only I understand about marriage.
My sister husband told my condition to my sister and she told to my family members. All consulted and told me let you marry my sister husband. My sister also accepted since she had done a sin to me. I also in a mind to accept this.
I know I can’t be a legal wife. But since we are sisters there will be no problem with us. What I have to do? Some of my family suggesting to convert to Muslim, so that i can be married legally...
I don't know about Muslim religion and rules. Please explain me and please solve my problem.
- Ramya
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Ramya, it is not allowed in Islam for two sisters to be married to the same man at the same time. So converting to Islam would not make any difference in your situation from that perspective.
What converting to Islam would offer you is forgiveness for your sins and mistakes. Although your intentions were good (?), you committed a serious sin by sleeping with your sister's husband. Not only is it a sin, it is a disaster for your entire family, and a corruption of normal human nature. However, when a person becomes Muslim then all previous sins are erased, and the person starts new and fresh, like a newborn baby.
The essence of Islam is the worship of God alone. We do not believe in any other gods, nor do we worship any other human being.
You cannot marry your sister's husband. You must move out of their house, and you must never be intimate with him again. It has to stop, completely and utterly.
Furthermore, the child is your child, not your sister's! This is very important. You are the biological and natural mother of that child. The child carries your genes, you bore the child, you gave birth to the child, you nursed the child. I don't believe you will ever be happy in your heart if you leave the child to someone else to raise and pretend it is theirs.
You are not responsible for your sister's happiness. There are some things that are destined for people, and it's not possible for you to change them or fix them. This is one of those situations. If your sister and her husband like, they can adopt an orphan. There are millions of poor children who need loving parents. It's a charitable act and a commendable deed in the sight of God.
Take your child and move out of your sister's house. Do NOT let any pressure from your family members change your mind. This is really vital. You cannot continue as you are. It is corrupt and wrong.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
hmm.. I agree with brother Wael
Salaams,
Wael is correct in his advice, and here is a summary of the ayat(s) that shows that a Muslim man cannot marry two sisters (as it applies to you):
...Forbidden unto you that you should have two sisters together... Allah is ever-Forgiving, Merciful. (from Quran 4:22 - 24)
I would just like to add that artificial insemination is only permitted in Islam if it is being done toward the wife in the marriage. Things like egg donation or having a surrogate that will carry the baby but contributes half of the genetic material (as you did) is haraam. If your sister had been following Islam as she should've been, she would never have approached you to have a child with her husband for her to raise to begin with. In a sense, the sins of both her husband and you are on her head to a degree because she was the one pushing things in this direction. In the end, she is paying a heavier debt in heartbreak because she will not get a chance to raise the child she so desperately wanted and thought would be hers, because as Wael said it is YOUR baby.
Follow his advice, and perhaps take some time to study and understand Islam in a deeper way. It may very well be that you find something in it to give you peace and guidance in a situation that is clearly spinning out of control.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother Wael,
When I posted my very first reply to a question that I saw on this website, I checked the small box that asked for following posts on the site to be given as a notification directly to my email. Everyday I log in and see many new questions, and this one is by far one of the most surprising for a few reasons. When I read your response that is just as bold as the question itself below the original posters question, I actually walked and hooked up my computer and loged in just to respond to your response, and also give some light advice to poor Ramya.
I know you are an editor and I've always admired your words of wisdom but I think this one came off a bit harsh for someone with no knowledge of Islam and it's rules? I am a woman, and if I were to put myself into Ramya's place, I think I would feel a bit like a fallen angel so to speak after reading your post, having given the most absolute saccrifice of my body, my figure which completely changes after birth and will most certainly make it harder for her to find a husband of her own, and already over a year of her life suffering through child birth and delivery, as well as feeding the child. I imagine here a poor girl, sitting in a room in her sisters house, feeding a child born of a sinful act from a completely unsuspecting woman who was asked by a family who apparently knew something about Islam!? to do such a thing with complete disregard for the sin that it actually is. To be honest, I would have that a girl with a name like Ramya would certainly have originated from a place with some serious knowledge of Islam, but when she mentioned 'Lakhs', I saw she was from South Asia, and so it's hard to see just WHAT she grew up believing, or if her sister in fact was born muslim if both the sisters were raised in a house hold with no knowledge of Islam, maybe the childless sister married into Islam. I'm not sure... the countries possible are all the way from Afghanistan, to Bangladesh, Bhutan, India, Iran, Maldives, Pakistan, Nepal and Shri Lanka. Who knows what this girl grew up believing. But if I do believe all the words she says and take her seriously, then my heart just bleeds for her.
Ramya after being compelled by her family and even her sister to do such a thing came to the situation she is in now. I think pointing fingers and telling her that one of the only good things that Islam has to offer her now is the absolution of her grave sins against god for having her sisters child with her brother-in-law especially rubbed me the wrong way. As a revert muslim myself, I know how hard, or soft Islam can be cast to those who ask about it, and even though in the most frank sense your words are true, they're not really compassionate, and frankly no amount of scolding or finger waving or pounding at the clear texts in the Qur'an will get Ramya out of the situation she is now in. Ramya trusted her family when they asked her to do these things, she has known them since birth and trusted them with her body, her time and her soul to not put her in a compromising situation, and now she finds herself here under the anvil of Islam for not only sleeping with her sisters husband, but having his child and then falling in love with him which I'll comment on in just a moment. Asking Ramya to take that child that has no connection to her sister and get out of her sisters house is very hard advice for a girl that never wanted marriage or a child in the first place. Imagine the burden that will be placed on that child when Ramya becomes a single, unmarried mother.
I hate to say it, but I'm just not sure if I see tons of hope for Ramya's situation if she lives in a community where they watch her do these things and are ok with it. Uncles, Aunts, Parents... in these countries, family is all you have, and often times you're so poor that even going to a grocery store in the United States would bring you to tears to see so many commodities in one place at a cheap price. I am saying this because I'm American and I'm trying to give fair advice to someone potentially living in a very hard situation in a third world country, many of which I've visited and in fact own an apartment in Iran so am well familiar with the living possibilities this poor girl is suffering through. If she has no money for a plane ticket, no money to survive on her own, and her whole family puts her in such a position, what is such a girl to do? I know this is an advice giving site, but sometimes there's just no advice to give. What shall I say... get in your car, go into the city and get a job and raise that child in Islam? I highly doubt that's the kind of girl we're talking to considering her family.
On falling in love with her husband, this is natural. She is a girl, he is a man, they have been intimate for a long time and now they have feelings for eachother. Yes, it is a sin. Yes, it is expressly forbidden in Islam. But never the less, I have to look at this girl remembering that she is not only human, but not yet Muslim. To this, I feel I CAN give some advice;
Ramya, whether you're muslim or not, sharing a man with your sister is wrong for many reasons. It will inevidably fracture your family into pieces. Asking a man to share his heart evenly between two women in countries which still practice polygamy is hard enough as it is, and has in fact proven beyond the prophet himself to be a futile effort as men are only human and will in the end prefer one woman over the other. Even if YOU think you could endure this test of fairness towards your sister in sharing your brother-in-law with her, you would in the end be wrong not only because you would be disobeying Allah's (SWT) laws to us all in the holy Qur'an and causing your sisters husband to spend all his time with you in sin because HE is in fact apparently Muslim, but because polygamy itself wasn't created so sisters could marry the same man, mother and daughter could marry the same man, mother and aunt (mother's sister) could marry the same man, causing an interweiving, confused mess inside the family that would ultimately make one person's problem a problem conserning eveyone through the tree of the family because you're all related and sleeping together. Polygamy was created to give the poor women, especially women who have lost husbands in battle and have been left with children to care for, an option for survival by the mercy of a many already married to taker her into his house. The main reason for not allowing such an act by Allah (SWT) as you are asking for, is a 'damage control' of sorts.
It seems to me that you're only interested in converting to Islam to be with your husband. Therefore, if you never marry her husband, you might never become muslim, and maybe will end up leaving your child with your sister and moving on with your life. Since you don't want the child, and I don't want to see the child raised by a mother who doesn't want it, would it be possible for Ramya to give up the child and the sister to adopt it in that way? Yes there are many poor kids around the world that need parent's but culturally, these people will do anything to keep it in the family, hense the situation. If adoption this way isn't an option, then for the sake of the poor childs life and to keep it from suffering maybe even after I'm dead I can't give heartless advice. But you SHOULD leave your sisters house, with or without the child it's up to you and your family. Think of the child, not yourselves and never talk to your sisters husband again. If you stay and cause a mess and break your brother-in-laws heart or your sisters heart for asking to share her husband beyond what she ever had planned, one or both of them might hold a grudge against the child which actually will grow to look and act like you, a daily reminder of the woman that left them with a child, and their marriage in shambles. It could be a disaster for years to come for everything you meant to do right.
You said you're not interested in marriage... maybe then education is your plan for your life? Do whatever you had in mind in the first place before this whole mess began and move on with your life, and let your sisters husband love your sister and hopefully find the proper way of Islam in his heart. And hopefully you too will find Islam for your own reasons. I really love all that you did for your family and wish you peace in your life.
Salam
Awesome response!!! You laid it out nicely.
Stacy, when I told Ramya that she had committed a serious sin, I was not speaking purely from an Islamic perspective (since she is not Muslim), but from a simple human perspective. It is, as I said, a corruption of human nature. I was not "pounding" the holy texts. It doesn't take a Muslim to know that this is wrong.
And in fact you said precisely the same thing when you wrote, "Ramya, whether you're muslim or not, sharing a man with your sister is wrong for many reasons. It will inevidably fracture your family into pieces."
I also told the sister that the sexual relationship with her sister's husband must end immediately, and that she must move out of the house. And again you repeated my advice:
"But you SHOULD leave your sisters house, with or without the child it's up to you and your family."
So it seems we are in agreement so far. Now here is where we differ: You tell Ramya to give up her daughter, "Since you don't want the child." Where are you getting this from? She never said she doesn't want the child. And I suspect just the opposite is true. After bearing a child, nursing it and caring for it, any woman's normal human motherly instinct would kick in. I imagine it would be quite hard for her to just give away her own daughter.
I am also quite sure that she is facing a lot of pressure from her family to give up the child, and I want her to know that if her heart is telling her to keep the child then she should listen to it, because the child is hers, and she is its rightful mother, no matter what anyone says.
I offered the sister the absolution of Islam not because it will solve all her problems, but because it is the truth. I don't have the solution to all her problems, and neither do you.
We have presented Ramya with some alternatives. Perhaps instead of trying to impose our own inclinations on her, we should leave it to her to decide.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Stacy I find ur reply beautiful n best of all but it has no solution for Ramya in the end
Ramya,
All has been said above, but after reading your post, I have had an impression that you, your sister and her husband are all not Muslim. And you are being advised to convert to Islam, just because Islam permits polygamy.
I don't know if I am right. If I am not, I am sorry. But if I am, then I'd like to tell you that it is not the solution. Islam is a complete way of life. You need not accept only polygamy from Islam. If anyone accepts Islam, he or she should do so wholeheartedly.
What you have done is a huge sin in Islamic Law. But Allah, The Only God Worthy of Worship, Is The Most Merciful, Who Forgives. And as brother Wael said, if you accept Islam, all your part sins, including this, would be forgiven by Allah, if He Wills. After that, you would be just like any other Muslim, infact, you'll have a position higher than us, the born Muslims.
If you have even the slightest intention to convert because of belief in One God, then you could take help from us. We believe and know for sure that there is none Worthy of Worship but Allah, and Muhammad Peace and Blessings be upon him is His Final Messenger.
May Allah Open your heart to His Guidance.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother Waseem,
It's really interesting the observation you made. I guess I just assumed if her converting to islam would allow her to enter into polygamy, then of course he in turn would also have to be muslim, as well as the wife sister for it to "work"... so the idea is that they ALL convert to Islam? Very curious how this all turns out. Take care everyone
Sister Stacy
And of course we're assuming that they're not Christian or jewish, but instead possibly hindu or some other religion that does not permit the woman to remain her religion, which is why She was asked to convert... just saying.
salam
S Stacy
Bother Waseem on reading this post my first thought too was these people cant be Muslim,having the baby and then moving in with them to feed the the baby still sharing the husband this is all to strange i dont understand why you want to become Muslim? to marry him? so if you have more kids with him where does that leave your sister the aunt who lives with them and shares their father, like Brother Wael said take the child and leave, or alternately you leave and the child stays with them, atfer breastfeeding a child for a year i dont know how you feel about the child but i know that the child has a bound with you,
Muhammad Waseem Spoke The Truth!!!
In islam no.man can marry at a time with 2sisters..
So.u cant marry with your broher in law.
And sex what u do with him many times also the badest sin.
As u did with your own brother
now i wonder what is the status of the marriage of ramya's sister. i think after having illicit relation with wife's sister, marriage does not stand. correct me if im wrong
Committing zinaa does not automatically invalidate a marriage. Only khulah or talaq can end the marriage.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I understand that it is an old post. What I find it is hard to believe, sad to believe, and angry to believe that there are some people think that "Islam" is a solution for this obviously wrong decision/mistakes!!!!
1. This woman, who "agreed" to bear a child for her sister because of her sister's selfish demand, her family emotional blackmail and her weakness to agree with this ridiculous deal, needs to realize that she has been sexually abused and emotional blackmail. Now it leaves her with confusion, guilt and regret. She should have left this unhealthy environment and started a new life. I don't know what is her situation now and hope she does not dwell herself into this "family malfunction mess."
2. She needs to realize that now her sister has her baby; her brother-in-law is sort of " legitimize" in their family to have sex with two women; and the family has a grandchild. What does she has? A total hot mess!
3. We do not know where is this woman resides, but even she is not the sister of the wife; it is illegal to "marry" a married man in a lawful society. Even they were a muslim married couple. They can only do it under the table, but I despise this act. You are living in the society that you need to abide their law. Don't tell me you are muslim and you can marry two to four. Divorce the first one, then marry the other. Don't confuse the public about Islam and polygamy. Wonder why people can think of Islam as a solution.
No u cant marry your sister's husband as it is prohibited in islam