Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My cousin sexually abused me as a kid

I was sexually assaulted as a kid I'd say (4 to 7 years old, not knowing what that was at that time ) I grew up to understand and hate myself for that, feeling that am already used ( still a Virgin though ) but my self worth dropped so bad , what made my case worse is that till now (am a 19 y.o ) couldn't talk about it with anyone not even my own mother (since my molester was none other than my cousin ) ,I grew up in fear of men and always thinking how can I have a partner and should I tell him about my past since he needs to know and how will he react , sometimes I think maybe he will se me as dirt or what if I tell that supposed to be future partner then he goes around and tell others.And I really wanna tell my mom but I can't , I sometimes just hate the fact that I was born I even think aboutkilling my cousin since we still meet in family reunions and I act like nothing has ever happened .


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6 Responses »

  1. Cherifa sweetheart,

    I'm so glad you wrote in to allow us to share in your burden, as no one deserves the sexual abuse you went through or is expected to handle its wide-ranging effects all on their own.

    You are a beautiful creation of Allah, the One who knows you best and knows the hearts of all those around you. As such, you have a freedom of "just being," being just as you were created with all your thoughts and feelings and hopes and dreams, regardless of the situation you are in or what others try against you. Please remember that always sister, as it's something that no one can take away from you.

    In regards to your purity, you are as pure as the day you were born, and deserving of pure love from both yourself and a deserving husband who will treat you with love and care. There is nothing here for a future spouse to have to "accept" didn't do anything wrong and it is completely your choice whether you choose to share your story with him or not. A man who deserves someone like you will be a kind and compassionate person who wouldn't judge you anyways, and would furthermore realize that there is nothing to judge, as it was not your fault.

    I know you feel uncomfortable sharing this with your mother, and I trust that there are reasons for that. Perhaps she hasn't been supportive of you in the past? May Allah forgive me if I am wrong. If she has been supportive of you throughout your life, please know that this will most likely be no different and you could trust her with your story. Inshallah I hope the latter is the case. Please know that you need share only on your own timing and comfort level.

    While I am sad for you for what you have been through, I am happy that you have taken that first step of opening up about what has happened here on this forum. You deserve to be able to be both strong and weak about this. I suspect those are both ways that you have felt, and neither is better than the other. Please stand tall and cry, and stand tall and cry again, until you have released your pain and felt Allah's presence on you.

    For Allah loves you very much.

    Eid Mubarak and Big Hugs,


  2. First , tell everything to allah , even if you did , do it again and talking to allah is the best thing ever , i talk to allah for hours and you never get bored , it's fun. Secondly, dont tell your mom , I promise you if you do your family will be hell, your family will be ruined , please dont tell anyone. Because if you do it'd be the worst regret of your life. Your parents may kill him and his parents may kill him and your parents wont talk to your cousin's parents and they will fight and they will literally kill him, and it will ruin your image, they will treat you differently , it's better but after a while you dont want that. Your friends and everyone will talk about it because every secret is revealed once in a while everyone would know and it would ruin your reputation. There's one last thing you can do. Forgive him , you need to forgive people because if you dont you give them power over your life , they go and sleep at night but you dont , you just sit there thinking and crying , they control your life , they control how you think and feel , someone else who really loves you and you wont accept him because of that , they control your life , you need to forgive people not for them but for you. Someone betrayed me and i didn't forgive that person , for one whole year I suffered they controlled my life , i nearly killed myself and i was diagnosed with chronic depression , I started cutting off everyone in my life , and new people want to enter my life but i wont let them because of that but allah guided and helped me with the help of his eminence sayid ali al sistani . Take it from my experience and forgive him. With love -Abdulaziz❤️.

    • What a terrible advice. Forgive a child molester? He should be put in jail.

      • I have been through the same and the molester was none other than my step brother and I haven't told about this in family because it would only create more problems rather than solving anything and whats done can't be undone .I agree forgiving is the best thing to do to free one's self from the torture because as long as I didn't forgive him I would get the flashbacks of those horrible scenes and i was only 4-5 year old at that time and I'm expecting it's ajar from Allah(swt) since He loves those who forgive and to the OP it has nothing to do with your future husband since that was not your fault and it will only make him sad and may be this thing sting his mind for the rest of his life and he would unnecessarily overthink. I believe I'm still pure and so are you .cheers

    • Forgive a child molester? What kind of a disgusting advice is this !!

  3. It is not your fault. You are as pure as the day you were born.
    When you get married InshaAllah, DO NOT tell your husband at first. When you understand him, and are sure that he is a wise sensible person who will support you and love you more for going through such a horrible event, then tell him.
    Otherwise keep hidden what Allah has hidden.

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