Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I engage in oral sex as a last resort

dark room and bed

My husband doesn't come home for more than 6 months, and sometimes more than 1 year. All my efforts to change him have proved fruitless. I married him after my first marriage crashed. At that time I have suffered ill health that almost resulted in surgery because of abstinence from sex for years. I was told I had to make love to someone immediately after the surgery, but fortunately I got a medication that solved the problem.

In order not to find myself in similar situation and to satisfy my sexual urges after prolonged abstinence, I engage in oral sex with another man who understands my predicament and we agreed that he will not penetrate. Sometimes I masturbate. I have made up my mind not to remarry, but yet I live as a single person because of the predicament I have found myself in. My so-called husband will only beg me on the phone, but never changed.

-Bayo

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18 Responses »

  1. ASSALAMALAIKUM OR GOOD EVENING
    WHICH IS FOR YOU 1ST APPLIES TO MUSLIM 2ND TO NON MUSLIMS
    WE MUST KNOW YR RELIGION SO THAT THE ANSWER CAN BE GIVEN
    AS THE MATTER SHOWS IT IS A SERIOUS AFFAIR AND THAT IS TO BE CONDEMNED ON ALL FRONTS A CASE WHICH ATTRACTS 100 LASHES CANNOT BE SO EASILY TAKEN AS THIS- I engage in oral sex with another man who understands my predicament and we agreed that he will not penetrate.
    CONTRAST IN QURAN-
    [24].Surah An-Nur [The Light]
    Ayat 2. The woman and the man guilty of adultery illegal intercourse, flog each of them with a hundred stripes. Let not pity withhold you in their case, in a punishment prescribed by Allah, if you believe in Allah and the Last Day. And let a party of the believers witness their punishment. (This punishment is for unmarried persons guilty of the above crime but if married persons commit it, the punishment is to stone them to death, according to Allah's Law).
    REGARDS

  2. Salaams,

    I don't like to disbelieve people, but there are some inconsistencies in your story. I personally have never heard of any kind of condition where prolonged abstinence would necessitate any type of surgery. There are Catholic nuns who live lives of abstinence, many never even losing their virginity. I've never heard of this being a medical problem. Even if there were such a rare condition, I highly doubt that any doctor would advise you to have intercourse right after any type of operation. What type of surgery would not remedy the problem itself, and need something more (like intercourse), to cure you?

    But what is really inconsistent for me is the fact that you said the first time this happened, you were able to treat it with medication so as not to have intercourse. I don't see any reason why you wouldn't be able to do that any other time, as well. Also, if the doctor originally told you to have intercourse and that was what was needed, then what benefit would oral sex be?

    The bottom line is that there is no justification for sin. If your husband will not or cannot give you your marital rights (medical condition or not), and you cannot work it out, it's better to divorce and marry someone else who will. One of the main reasons for marriage is to protect us from sexual sin and zina, which clearly is not happening in your case. Why stay married at all, when it appears you don't even have a viable relationship with your husband in any way? I can't imagine there's much connection if you only see someone once or twice a year, and spend the remainder of the time cheating on him with someone else.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I agree with Amy....but no matter was the reason for you to do what you did.....it is still time for you to ask Allah for forgiveness ....show me a Muslim did not comment a sin in way or another.....I will ask him or she to fly away because he or she is an angle. ......my advice to you is get divorce then get married from a person who can satisfy you.....please do not share what happened with you with your new husband. ....past is the past .....and keep your relationship with Allah stronger. ....

    • I also agree with Sister Amy. If both oral sex and masturbation were useful without penetration, then why can't the masturbation alone be useful, without oral sex?

    • Assalam alaikum,

      I agree with Sr. Amy. One of the major inconsistencies that I find is that at one point the sister says she is supposed to be regularly intimate with her husband due to a "health" issue which I understand is the actually act of penetration--but then says that she compromises on oral sex which isn't even a compromise at all. Furthermore, could she not even just move to where he is?

      To be honest, the first thing that came to mind is that I seriously doubted the validity of this post especially when the medical condition, the husband's and OP's country of residence are not mentioned. Then in the final paragraph, she states she will not remarry implying in a way that she is single--but then mentions the husband again. The OP has given no valid reason for why she can't leave the marriage and any important information regarding children and other such important issues.

      If I am wrong, I apologize, but it seemed that way when the attitude towards zina is taken so lightly and there doesn't seem to be a major concern to rectify the matter. It seems this post is more to get a rise out of responses.

  3. Sister Aalim, judgement is far beyond what we are allowed to display on others.

    Sister Bayo,
    I understand your yerning for companionship and intimacy and I know you posted this story here because you feel guilt and you could not tell anyone else.
    From your post I am confused as to your marital status...but if you are married please be aware that there are other options for you, such as counseling with your spouse or solice in distractions such as hobbies or reading/memorizing Quran. It seems that if you are taking medications to avoid medical pain then you do not need to engage in haram acts with strangers and non-maharam men. You do not need to have oral sex with this haram man. It is only leading to dependence and abuse in the long run. I urge you to stop these haram acts and get yourself back on the straight path before its too late. Remember to pray 5 times and if you feel the urge to do haram with your body then say "Authu bilahi mina shaitan ir rajeem" this means " Allah protect me from the accursed Shaitan." Personally, if I get the urge to masterbate I get up and walk or try to distract myself. There are other options for you. This is your test, and Allah knows it is not too much for you.
    I pray for your success and wish you happiness.
    Salam, Shereen

    • Shereen: if you feel the urge to do haram with your body then say "Authu bilahi mina shaitan ir rajeem" this means " Allah protect me from the accursed Shaitan." Personally, if I get the urge to masterbate I get up and walk or try to distract myself.

      That is very good advice. I would like to add Sister Bayo seems to connect her lack of sexual activity as cause of some medical conditions / psychological dsitress. She may need some kind of alternative so that she does not have to go back to get surgery again.

  4. If you guys agreed not to penetrate that does not mean oral sex is OK. Oral sex may not have the severe punishment according to Islamic laws but it is still not acceptable activity between 2 unmarried people.

    Why your husband does not come home? Does he have other wives or works far away?

  5. I don't get this post at all! So confusing and like Amy said so many things doesn't make sense.
    I believe this post is a joke.

  6. no doubt it's a joke,,
    may Allah protect all of us,,Ameen..

  7. This is obviously fake.

  8. salaam to all, please don't assume until you verify, either you you verify or believe people. People live in very difficult situations and only Allah knows their reality.

    A.H

  9. Assalaamualaikam

    As far as I am aware, there are no medical conditions that require someone to have sex. If you have a physical health problem, I'd advise that you speak with a qualified medical professional rather than trying to rectify it with haram activities.

    Sexual or intimate interactions with any man to whom you are not married is zina, regardless of how people try to justify it. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, looking at each other's bodies - these are all things you should only consider doing within marriage. I would advise you to stop having a haram relationship with this other man, and focus on your relationships with your husband and your faith.

    Why not speak with your husband about how his absence is affecting your relationship (without telling him about the extramarital affair, as we are told not to reveal our sins), and see if the two of you can come to an agreement. For example, if he has to work abroad, could he come back more frequently - even if for shorter periods of time? If the relationship cannot be saved, then divorce is permissible, but try to save your marriage first - divorce should be a last resort, not something to be considered before other possibilities.

    It's important to repent for your transgressions, and take steps so you do not repeat them. Learn more about Islam, spend time with pious sisters who will encourage you to stay on your deen, and fill your time with halal activities so you are not tempted by haram.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  10. Honestly speaking, your story doesn't seem correct. As far as I know (having studied psychology and having some limited knowledge in the medical field) there are no illnesses caused by lack of sexual satisfaction. The only thing that lack of sex may cause is depression and that is not such a big deal since most people go through depression at least a few times in life.
    All I will say is stop what you are doing, this is zina and is a major sin. There are no excuses when committing sins. Just stop it and repent to allah ta'allah and insha allah he will forgive you.

  11. Use your fingers.

  12. This is a fake story.

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