Unsuccessful marriage
Dear sir
I am age 44yrs. My husband is age 46 yrs. We got married in 2013. My husband had got his first marriage last 18 yrs. He has 4 children and having his first wife living separately with my husband's family.
Now I am his second wife(my parents are not alive,my all siblings are married, so my husband pressurised to my elder sister to get marry with me and told her I was his lover so he want to get marry to me).
When he married with me he was not working when he and he hide this from my family. But I spent my savings for running my home which was rented house. Because of these kind of problems I moved three times and have been living my sister's home. Because now i had been finished my savings. But during this time husband gave me mental torture and fought with me several times. He blamed me and again I have come to my elder brother's home.
He was jobless. His habits are unbearable for me. He lies, he just say he loves me but he does all the things for his children. Now he is working but he doesn't fulfil his responsibilities, he doesn't give me single penny.
Now he is living with his first wife and children and wants to convince me come back. But I don't like his habits. He doesn't act upon his words. In this situation I am thinking that I don't want to live with him. I want divorce. Please guide me, I am doing wrong or what should I do? Please help me.
Seema
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Salaam,
This response is for Seema. There is a proverb saying that "love is blind" is this blindness at times cost us our live. I do believe that when we are in "situation" we do not think clearly and only others can see clearly for us.
Take a moment and think... or switch the situation around.
1. I am not sure if you have kids or no or ae you working?t, If you do not have kids then, thank ALlah and LEAVE. Think about it for a second. Would you like to have someone who has left his wife the way you describe it and marry you, you support him and then he left??
a. he is lazy and he is an opportunist, when it is green, he is there and when it is yellow, he runs away
b. He does not love you and shows you love because he knows he could count on you
c. He used you because he knows your parents are not alive and you would jump into any opportunity
d. He will soon live his wife again, it is a matter of time
2. If you have shoes, remove them and RUN... if you dont' he will use you, abuse you psychologically and physically perhaps and by the time you smell the coffee, you will be too insane to fall in love again.
3. Pray to Allah and RUN. You will find someone who is better even if you think you will never find any.
4, Dont let yourself expired when it is not your due date.
5. Allah will guide you...he is not the right one for you.. 4 kids and he left those and come to you then when money is gone, master is gone... think about it..
if you can solve 1 + 1 = 2 then you got it girl...
You will be tempted, he will come cry and beg and ask and told you "satan" did this and that... think Straight and RUN sister!
May Allah be with you and guide you through out this journey.
Assalaamu Alaykum,
It's really difficult for me to give an unbiased response to your dilemma because when you said you were his lover before you married him, that essentially is saying that you knew he was married and didn't value or respect that enough to leave him alone. So in a large way, you have a lot to do with what has come about, because you engaged in a haraam relationship that most likely hurt his first wife immensely, and you didn't care.
Now you are married to him, and according to you he is not being a good husband and not giving you your due rights as a second wife. The situation is such that you don't want to be married to him any longer.
I think that sure, divorce may help solve a lot of the immediate problems here. It frees you up, you won't be dealing with the stress from him you identify. It allows him to return full attention and focus back to his first wife and kids (although it's questionable that the damage done by his choices can be fully repaired, because after all he is also responsible for his infidelity against them with you just as much as you are).
But to me, the root issues are the level of both your character and his that allowed this all to come about to begin with. Will a divorce prevent him from cheating on his wife again, if he finds another woman he is attracted to? And more relevantly for you: will this divorce prevent you from having a haraam relationship with a married man again, if you were presented with the opportunity and tempted to?
Solving the immediate issues of what's going on in your marriage is important. But more important is reflecting on some of the obvious ways this situation came about and taking responsibility for your part in that. Only by changing your own bad habits can you truly avoid unfavorable outcomes.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor