Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Watching porn, masturbating, having a Muslim FWB

Couple hugging, love, intimacy

Hi,

I'm a Muslim woman, recently turned 19, and am almost finishing high school and looking forward to starting college. Since I have been busy studying, and will stay busy, I have not gotten the chance to get married or anything like that. I personally do not want to get married so early on in life because I barely know what I want to do so I cannot imagine marrying someone now since I change so much and probably will grow out of relationships, which turns into divorce, and I would rather not be a divorced woman.

So, I have never had a boyfriend and lately it has been quite hard. The more I get older the more I yearn for intimacy. The problem is, I do not have anyone. Therefore I would like to know what my options are.

I have read multiple times that masturbating and watching porn is makrooh, and some consider it even completely haraam, except if it is to drive you from committing Zina. Especially porn was very much looked down upon. Also, I have not read many things about females watching porn or even being allowed to do so. Knowing that it is a drug, is it still okay to watch it if you keep it in moderation?

SinceIslamic marriage allows you to basically 'date' ,as in have a relationship, does that mean that the concept of friends with benefits could work? For example, I meet a Muslim man and we both come to the conclusion that we do not want a serious marriage/relationship but just want our sexual desires met, could we then islamically get married and keep the relationship how we want it, based on sex only?

If neither of the options are allowed, then what am I supposed to do? Please, do not tell me that the answer is marriage or praying for God or anything along those lines. For me marriage is not an option because I am very busy with school and working and I would not want to jump into marriage this early on and probably not even loving that person as much as they deserve to. The other thing is, praying to God, fasting etc. Will not keep my sexual desires away. With the amount of hormones and simple biology and human thinkin It is just impossible to not want to have sex or a release in a way. Therefore that might help for a bit but the problem will always be there.

Best regards,

 

 


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10 Responses »

  1. Thank you for your comment sister, I'm very glad to hear we men are not the only ones suffering of these issues. My halal recommendation would be as you said marriage but the is no small marriage and serious marriage. If you marry it means you need to do a proper marriage with your guardian and 2 male witnesses.however, You could make an agreement in your marriage that you don't make it serious but what if Allah wills that you get pregnant even with using protection? Then you will have to take responsibility for that obviously. So you should go ask a scholar about making such a marriage contract.

  2. Marriage is much more than sex. You seem to be valuing this dunya (work, everyday life) more than marriage which should be the base for your life.

    I will be frank, most guys would think very little of a woman that only wants to get married for sex, they too would not get involved with a person like that on an emotional level. They would treat that person like a piece of meat, and dump them when they get bored or find someone better. Guys laugh and joke about women like that. There are some dirty sex obsessed people out there (believe me I know), they view women as sex objects, these are the only people I'd say that would realistically consider a proposal like that, you are pretty much trying to scrape the bottom of the barrel. Choose someone like that and prepared to be hurt, you'd have to deal with a lot of emotional abuse during and after the relationship - it won't last.

    • The sister who posted her inquiry appears to be young and inexperienced and as a result lacking in understanding of sexuality and also Islamic principles regarding sexuality. That is normal and age appropriate. Most young women ask someone they trust about such matters, often without the honesty that the young woman projected. It is also a indication of her being a responsible person by asking for advice about a sexual dilemma.

      However, your response is in fact questionable. And your conclusions are equally wrong. Most of us know that the young woman will get older and reflect at some point that she may have been a bit boy crazy, lonely or sexually frustrated at this time. I am not sure how to explain your response that the woman is "trying to scrape the bottom of the barrel". This makes absolutely no sense is quite judgmental, along with being an indicator you know very little about adult women and their sexuality. There are countless of references at Islamic sites, in Islamic literature about marriage, etc. about men's sexual needs and how a wife absolutely is expected to respond to them under any and all conditions. But you make such ignorant and unkind references to the young woman who shared only one aspect of her personal life. You don't know her on a personal level and there is absolutely no way you can know what her character or personality is from one post online.

      I would advise the sister to review each response with a grain of salt and more importantly offer her my congratulations for trying to solve a problem that she has.. She is trying to avoid sin and obviously needs guidance and good advice from responsible knowledgeable adults, not someone who is being judgmental, subtly name calling and being narrow minded.

  3. Aselam u alaikum.

    Sister, I think you are confused about the concept of marriage.
    Marriage is a Sunnah, and it is about supporting one another emotionally, mentally, socially, financially as well as sexually. Not just sex partners.
    There are so many considerations, knowledge and preparations one must do before entering marriage- because you will be responsible for someone else.

    Please learn about all these things first before you make a rash decision. And please be patient and do not rush.
    Haste is from shaitaan.

    All the best x

  4. Asalaamu Alaikum,

    Please post your question to this site http://seekershub.org/ans-blog/ask-a-question/ for an answer from qualified scholars, as we lay-people will give many opinions from our own inclinations rather than a legal answer backed up with evidence and sound understanding.

    Also browse the archive of answers from the above site, you may find the answers you're looking for already mentioned.

    As for some points you mentioned, from my understanding, masturbation is haraam (forbidden) generally but may be allowed under certain difficult circumstances, for example, preventing a married person from falling into extra-marital affair if he/she are not having their sexual desires met within their marriage though other aspects of their marriage is fine. In your scenario, I'm sure when you ask a scholar, they may discourage it, but if you are in a dire need of a release, may allow the concession but encourage you to persist in repentance often in privacy (until you can have your conjugal needs met in a marriage).

    Further, from my understanding, Islam allow you to 'court' before marriage, but the Islamic courting method still maintains barriers between the two genders. I.e. you and you potential spouse cannot engage in physical intimacy. That would rule out your suggestion and idea of a friends-with-benefits type of marriage. Marriage in Islam is beyond just the conjugal relationship of sex. in your given example, you 'friend-with-benefits' husband would have to provide for you and give you a home, and you wouldn't be able to annul your marriage without a valid reason - in fact, you wouldn't even be able to to get into a marriage if the Imaam knew of both your intentions to divorce down the line.

    Some practical tips:-

    1) Fast - proper fasting, restricting yourself NOT ONLY from food and drink but from porn and your phone and tv and unrelated males. Fast from the thought of sex by DISTRACTING yourself and busying yourself with other matters, more so studying, especially about Islam, as learning about who your Lord is will increase you of being conscious of His Presence at every moment.

    2) Don't watch porn. If you did not find anything about women watching porn form an islamic perspective, this is due to the fact the same ruling applied for men as it does with women. it's basic psychology, the more you expose yourself to pornography, the more you'll feel an increase in sexual desire. this is blatantly counterproductive as in you truly do want to function properly and not be overpowered by sexual urges in every circumstance, you would not be doing something to feed your sexual desire.

    3) Strive to refrain from looking (and looking back at) males you find attractive. The heart can't want what the eyes can't see. Again basic psychology, you won't be pondering about sex and intimacy if you're not looking at guys or erotic material.

    If you are willing to marry for the sake of sexual gratification, why not marry properly out of love. The main reason for marriage is not fulfill your sexual desires. It's to draw close to Your Lord and team up with a partner to help each other attain God's pleasure and in turn paradise. If you feel you're not ready or there yet, fast, refrain from things that will incite any thought that will lead you to feeling aroused.

    Please make use of the site and the link above.

    And Allah knows best.

    Peace

  5. Watching porn and masturbation is haram. So, repent from these actions if you have done them. Some people make up the excuses that watching porn and masturbation is allowed if it stops your from committing zina though that is completely wrong and it is haram. Though Allah will forgive you if you repent.

    "Say, "My Lord has only forbidden immoralities - what is apparent of them and what is concealed - and sin, and oppression without right, and that you associate with Allah that for which He has not sent down authority, and that you say about Allah that which you do not know." [Quran 7:33]
    The aya above proofs that porn and even masturbation is haram, as they are immoral and indecent actions. Look at this website for more info: https://www.soundvision.com/article/islam-on-pornography-a-definite-no-no

    Anyway, back to your problem I used to watch porn, but then one day I overcame the problem and asked for forgiveness from allah.
    “O My slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of God: verily, God forgives all sins. Truly He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Quran 39:53]
    So, ask for Allah's forgiveness and repent.

    Also, here are some steps to overcome your sexual desires:
    -Fast, as you would during ramadan, but do it more often during other months
    -When you get the desire, read the quran or recite the stuff that you have memorised from the quran
    -Ayat al-kursi would be a good start
    -Avoid looking at indecent pictures
    -Avoid being around anything that can increase your desires
    -Be around your family or friends when you feel like you can't stop yourself from watching porn or masturbating
    -Go to your local mosque and volunteer. If you live far from your mosque, then just volunteer at a local charity
    -Always keep your self busy

  6. I'm constantly surprised at people who lump porn and masturbation together as if they are one thing.

    Porn is not 'frowned upon", sister, it is absolutely and utterly haram. There is no disagreement about this. It's a serious sin. Furthermore, it's spiritually and emotionally destructive. Rather than release or reduce your desires it will only feed them and twist them, giving you a wrong understanding of intimacy and corrupting you from the inside out.

    Masturbation is another story. There is no clear evidence in Islam that it is haram. Some scholars consider it makruh only, and others have no objection to it at all. So if you need to resort to that to reduce your desires, go ahead. Just make sure it does not interfere with your prayer and other ibadah.

    You've said a lot of contradictory things. You don't have time for marriage, but you do have time for a boyfriend? Then you ask if you can get married just to have sex, but then a moment later you say you don't want to get married. I think you're very confused about what you do and do not want, which is fine, it's okay to be confused as long as you avoid the haram. So no porn, and no premarital sex.

    I also suggest that you reconsider marriage. Yes you are young but clearly your desires are getting the better of you. You would not have to have children right away. You and your husband could satisfy your desires, offer each other some mutual support, and gradually mature together. That's what marriage is anyway.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Lovely response, Wael!

    • Please accept my thanks for your well worded response. I sincerely hope the young woman reads it carefully and takes this excellent advice very seriously. So often when a woman of any age or status has questions about sex, her own sexual pleasure, etc. many Muslims resort to the most unintelligent responses often including judgmental comments about a woman's character. Thank you. It is responses like your that encourages, rather discourages people to ask important questions about married life in Islam.

  7. First of, no sex before marriage not allowed, and you can't control your self then fast avoid places and things that activate your drive, or look for a good family and get married. I will pray for You, but don't sell your self cheap, wait for the right person. Try To control your drive, if you let it control you then you are doomed but it is not hard to control yourself. Trust me men have it worst but Al Ham Du Lillah we can learn to control it and so can women, we just have to try. Pray more and avoid bad websites and ask your mum to look for a good family. In Sha ALLAH everything will be fine.

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