Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Will this suffering ever end?


Aslaamualikum to all..
First of all plz forgive me if I make a mistake as english is not my native language also forgive me for such a long post. I would like to express all I have in my heart and its been hurting me for years. Somhow searching on net I came across this site and decided to get some help from here.

Im 23 years old female. Im not happy the way I look. Im very very depressed about my looks. There's everything wrong in me. My height is very short its only 4 feet 9 inches and 145cm 🙁 Which is the biggest problem I have. Secondly I dont have facial beauty either. I have these black spots on my face which will never ever go. My hair is falling out a lot. Also Im a bit overweight. Im so depressed about my looks. I hate looking in the mirror. Everytime I look I dont like what I see there. No one loves me cos of this. Evryone talk about my looks especially my height. I would ignore other people whatever they say. But when my own mother in anger calls me ugly and short it tears me apart. :'( why my mom doesnt understand she could be hurting me so much.? She gave me birth then how can she be so careless? One of my habit which I dont know if its a good habit or bad but when people talk about me negative and hurt me with their harsh words I dont say anything back I just keep it in my heart and cry when Im alone. Its been happing like this since my childhood which is why at this age I feel tired of my life and my ugly looks.

Somehow I got married to a person whom I dont know for what reason accepted to marry me. Its been 2 years of our marriage. But he also doesnt love me. He is saying ur not beautiful. Ur short. This and that. He never gave me any good feeling about myself which makes me to hate him so much. We hardly ever get physically intimated. The first time we got intimated he didnt make me feel good and I felt very bad afterward. Which is why I hate the thoughts of having sex with him again. I feel scared, disgusting, insecure and hurt when I think of having sex with him. He also doesnt even try to touch me etc..

I hate myself, my life. I feel so so lonely. I cry almost evreyday. I know Im very ugly however Im friendly, careing, loveable, hard working, religous and respectful person but people only see my looks not my charactor. :'( I just need real love and respect for myself. I need someone to love me respect me for who I am not for my looks or my body. I need someone to talk to to share my feelings with.. Someone who can feel happy for being with me. Someone who will never say ur ugly but say ur beautiful. :'( sometimes I blame allah for making me so ugly. Astagfirullah may allah forgive me. I know Im doing sin but sometimes I get so hurt that I cant help it so i blame allah and get angry with him. Astafiruallah. :'(

I have read some posts in this site about beauty and looks and how you lot advise most people to be greatful and thankful of allah for giving u hands feet heart etc.. I am thankful of allah and trying to just ignore my looks and concentrate on my deen and practice more but when Im mentally not well then its too hard for me to concentrate on my deen. Even when Im praying I mostly cry in my prayers.

Other thing which is bothering me is my husband and his rights upon me. I know husband rights upon wife in Islam but I think Im not fulfilling my duties towards him. Firstly I dont like him. I dont respact him a lot. I dont care about him. I dont like being around him or talking to him. Which is another major sin Im doing. If I had some beauty my husband would have loved me and woudnt have hurt me the way he does. Then I wouldnt be committing a major sin of not fulfilling his rights. Isnt this very unfair with me?? I will go to hell for all this. Then what. Pain and suffering in this world and hereafter. Why?? :'( sometimes I get so hurt that I feel like to kill my self and end this suffering. But I wont do that cos I know if I kill myself this suffering wont end in hereafter. Which is the only reason Im still alive.

All these have affected my confidence and self esteem so much. I dont go out very often. Im scared of walking in crowds. I feel scared of meeting new people. I dont have the confidence of talking to people. I dont talk a lot anymore. I dont have many friends. When Im hurt or sad I dont show it to anyone I just cry when Im alone and smile in front of people. 🙁 I dont love myself I dont look after myself properly. For example, whenever I feel like to eat something I would eat anything and as much as I want. I dont think about I will get more fat or it will harm me. Because I dont care about myself anymore. I just want to somehow spend these days in this world and die when its time for me to die. I never feel happy from my heart. Im not enjoying any moment of my life. I dont want be ungrateful to allah but believe me my heart has broken I cant change myself no matter how hard I try. Even if I do when someone talks about me negative I go back to my normal dead and broken hearted person. Even now typing this post my eyes are full of tears :'(

Mentally and emotionally Im not healthy. Sometimes I cry to point where my eyes hurt and itching but no one can feel me cos they only see my looks. I dont know what to do or what kind of help I need. Im very lonely and sad :'( may allah forgive me for being so ungrateful. At least I want be happy in hereafter. I want to go to jannah. I dont wanna suffer even after dying. I dont want anything for myself in this world anymore. I dont wish for anything in this world. But sometimes I get these feelings that allah will not forgive me for my sins and being ungrateful to him and I will end up in hell fire. :'( please everyone pray for me so allah can forgive me. :'(

For me beauty is a very special gift and blessing from allah but not everyone is being blessed for such a beautiful gift from allah and I am one of those unlucky people. I know how valuable and important beauty is.

I dont know what kind of advise or help do I expect from you my brothers and sisters. Cos I dont think there is any solution for my problem. But still if you have any advise or solution to my problem I would be very very grateful to hear from you.

May allah bless you all and reward you all for helping everyone.



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17 Responses »

  1. I think you need a purpose in life, a reason to get up in the morning -- something to distract you from constantly thinking about your looks and your marriage. Are you able to take some courses? Learn something new, anything -- flower arranging, baking, computers, web design, sewing, anything that will give you inspiration.

    Do you have a job? Have you thought of getting one?

    If a job is not possible, there are numerous opportunities for volunteer work, especially in the muslim community! You are caring and loving -- why not put those values to good use?

    Perhaps, Someday, you might have a baby. You can then delve into motherhood.

    It doesn't sound like your husband beats you or withholds financial support from you. I'm not suggesting at all that that makes his attitude towards you okay, not at all. I'm just wondering what your options are regarding this marriage. If you got divorced then you would have to support yourself, and you would never have a baby. So think hard about this issue. Maybe if you lost weight and wore make up your husband would be more attracted to you? And you would feel a lot better about yourself too! Exercise is like a mild anti-depressant. If you exercised every day, your tears may stop, and you may feel more motivated to make changes in your life.

  2. OP: Somehow I got married to a person whom I dont know for what reason accepted to marry me. Its been 2 years of our marriage. But he also doesnt love me. He is saying ur not beautiful. Ur short. This and that. He never gave me any good feeling about myself which makes me to hate him so much. We hardly ever get physically intimated. The first time we got intimated he didnt make me feel good and I felt very bad afterward. Which is why I hate the thoughts of having sex with him again. I feel scared, disgusting, insecure and hurt when I think of having sex with him. He also doesnt even try to touch me etc..

    Go sit in a mall/shopping center and watch women. I am sure you will find most women will be just average like you. In my opinion a woman's sense of style (what she wears and how she wears, colors of her clothes, her hair style) can make a big difference in her looks.

    Do men look at you when you go out in public?

    How did you met your husband? How old are you both? Younger people enjoy more being physically intimated.

    What do you mean first time you got intimated, your husband did not make you feel good? What can your husband do to make you feel good when you do it?

    Most women feel insecure about their bodies, so do't be scared and feel insecure and disgusting about exposing your body to your husband. Focus on enjoying sex.

    Would like to be friends with people who have a good heart or ones with good height and bad hearts?

  3. Peace to you beautiful creation of Allah. The problems you think your going through is a test, when Allah test a servant that means he loves them because he probably what's to open a beautiful rose which is probably close. When Allah takes something away Allah always replace it with something better. Build your self by getting closer to Allah and love with Allah give. Ask Allah for anything tell Allah anything talk to Allah about anything because Allah is always there and always listening. Allah never breaks the friendship with us but we do. May Allah bless you with good. Ameen

  4. Salaam alaykum,

    I pray this finds you quickly and before any more tears can be shed. I do not normly reply and havent read what the other replies are but, its sounds like u have a beautiful heart. I fear u are in a vicous spiral though. For example hair loss can be down to stress or diet and you wont be doing yourself any favours by stressing over it.

    Allah has made you this way for a reason. Do not threat and obsess over it the more you think about it the more imperfectiins you will find. Do not look at others around u or in the papers. Just go out and enjoy life. Go for a run a walk be inspired to see the world allah has created and realise how much more to life there is than looks. Try and establish good companions if allah wills, but we all need make the effort seek classes and groups.

    Im not sure in regards to ur husband but yes you have a duty as a wife so try yout best. That includes being happy ir the pair of you will find eachother moody and unpleasant to be around. Dnt expect things to change straight away.

    It sounds as though you may benefit from discussing this with your gp. Even talkin face to face with them may help inshallah.

  5. Assalam Alaikum Dear Sister.
    I am not here to ask any question from you or advice you anything. I just need 15 minutes from your daily routine. Ready to give? Trust me it will bring you peace.
    What you have to do is to talk to Allah.How? You are a Muslim Alhumdulilah and I am sure you'll be having Quran with translation in your native language. Just open the Holy book and start reading only One Ruku of it everyday WITH TRANSLATION. I repeat, WITH TRANSLATION.
    Trust me. Allah will talk to you. He will guide you, He will advise you, He will console you. You don't need anyone in life but Allah.
    Once you get a connection with Allah Almighty, Start doing everything He wants you to do. Obey His orders. You will find everything in QURAN. EVERYTHING. From prayers to Husband wife relation. Start making changes in your life according to Quran. You will be at so much peace and ease.
    Please sister, Try this. Try this on daily basis. Cry your heart out while reading Quran. You will find all your answers in it. you won't be needing anyone to give you advice but Him.
    once you start reading it, you will start finding verses for your problems and thats FOR SURE. GURANTTEED.
    May Allah bring peace to your life. AMEEN.

  6. Salaam sister,

    Did you ever go to a doctor to get an endocrine profile done? You may have a hormone deficiency of some sort. Please make an appointment. inshaaAllah you are in my prayers. May Allah have mercy upon you.

  7. Assalamualaikum sister,
    What you need are three things
    1. A good psychiatrist as you are going through severe depression with suicidal thoughts, unable to go out in public areas etc. All these are symtoms of depression. Keep hope.
    2. Go to a skin specialist who could help you improve your skin tone and looks.
    3. Workout and lose extra pounds and get fit.
    Im sure you will be very much prettier than ever.
    Remember half the battles are lost in the mind. So keep up , u saw michael jackson- he changed his skin pigment from brown to white , so why cant u. Buckle up sister u have a long way to go.
    pray to ALLAH.
    U can change. Good luck.

  8. dont judge yourself with what others are telling you, if you feel yourself beautiful then you are beautiful, a person is fully aware of his beauty i always say.
    even beautiful girls have to build their personalities. Appearance attracts.
    thats why the actresses have to groom and groom and groom their personalities to look perfect!
    i say PERFECT!
    dont try to look beautiful, everyone is beautiful
    be PERFECT
    1- my height is short as well 4' 11 " onlyyyyyyyyyyy. and you know what listen carefully to critics and correct yourself, wear long shirts i m not saying very long a bit longer , i m not sure if you are Pakistani?
    short shirts with jeans, flat jeans, dont wear loose trouser which have wider length if you want to wear those, wear it with longer shirts as loose trousers make you height look shorter and weird. yes weird. flat narrow trousers are in fashion. pick the best quality clothing, it will boost your confidence.
    wear high heels when you go out , high heels are the sexiest., if you dont want to wear it always, keep it in mind your legs should not look weird thats why i m tellinf ytou about medium to long shirts.
    2- your spots are because your skin is thin and fair or may be sensitive, use sun block why going out, dark spots are the result of sunlight. if thats not the reason visit the dermatologist. he will prescribe you something very good, use make up such as cc or bb creams that are made to cover the darkspots. use them when going out, it will nt take yourr time. instead of using gypsy amazing cream, fair & lovely and other cheap products. use garnier, rimmel or artdeco, use bb cream instead of whitening cream. use make up when going out, make up was made for women to wear.
    3- get a new hair cut, dye your hair in to a beautiful color such as light auburn, dark golden, light brown, light ash brown it suits the asian skin, use semi permanent color it will never damage the hair and yes use loreal, revlon, garnier or schwarzkopf they are the best, use amonia free color, not cheaper hair colors, dye fuller.
    height is not the problem, many actresses and singers have short height and they are beautfiul, see isla fisher, reese witherspoon, amisha patel , cheryl cole they are beautiful. height has to do nothing with the beauty, long height women look like men most of them and men dont like tall women, 5' 6 " is the ideal not more than that.
    and last but not the least, weight hides the beauty, loose your wieght first.. it will take only 6 - 8 months not that much? or are they?
    do as i say not jst to please your husband that is your right to look the best and perfect, all the ppl who are making fun will run after you and you will see their real face.

  9. Thanks alot evryone. Feel so happy to see these comments n lovly advises at least im not as alone as i think i am.
    A lot of things has happned since posting this post. Im stil not happy espicialy with my marrige n husband. Since from the begining our relitionship wasnt good thats why i feel no love for my husband. He hurt me with his words n behivour about my looks soo much that my heart is complitly nump for him. I dont feel attracted towards him. Im so not happy the way we'r living. I've started to feel uncomfortable around him since a year or so. I dont talk to him alot. We share same bed but sleep like strangers. I really wanna leave this marrige. Its not even like marrige. I feel traped n helpless 🙁 i want divorce but no one is supporting me, espacily my perents. Thyr saying try to love him. U dont have any other choice. We will lose face in socity n relitives. What will they say or think about us. We want ur happiness. We'r not ur enemies. U shold be happy that he married u. Hes not disabled or ugly man u should be thankfull he married u. this n that balckmailing me emotinaly.  I so wanna dai :'( i dont wanna sin anymore. I cant fulfil my duties towards my husband. I just dont have that feelings or diser to do it. 🙁  Even my husband has the fear of losing face in socity n famly. He doesnt even wanna divorce me just saying evrything will be fine i dont want people lough at me or talk about me.. 

    Its already been 2 years so when is evrything gonna be fine. I dont think my feelings will ever change towards him. I tried my best but it didnt work. I dont think
    i will ever be able to love him 🙁 nither he loves me. Its just a loveless marrige. All i wanted in my marrige was love, respect n care for eachother. But this marrige is the opposite of what i wished for. 🙁 I feel more like a sarvent for him. Just cook, wash n clean the house.

  10. Somtimes i feel soo good about myself n proud of however i look n however i am. Caz i knw alot of beautiful women whom are beautiful from face but not so beautiful from thir heart. im not saying all beautiful girls are the same. im just talking about some women whom i knw in my life. Which is why i feel proud of how i am as a human being. But i feel very lonly. I have no one to talk to. I dont feel comfortable talking about my feelings with anyone. I just want one person n that is my husband which unfortunatly im not happy with. My life is just a mess. I knw its a test from allah. But im scared i might fail this test. May allah forgive me 🙁
    Jazakallahkhair evryone.

  11. Sister. im here again 🙂
    Did u start reading Quran with translation? Please do this.Please. Do it for some days only, as an experiment. I bet you will find peace. I guarantee that you will find solutions to ur problems in it.
    You know i also feel terrible these days. i have some very severe problems with my life nowadays, the ONLY thing that bring me peace is QURAN. because Allah talks to me through it. I want you to read it too 🙁

    And about your husband, i would suggest u to give it some more time. Get urself out of this "Sympathy Bubble". try to pretend. try to show care to ur husband, if this care doesn't come from ur heart then do it for the sake of Allah.try to make him happy by making changes in ur life. i liked "Lorelei lee" suggestions. Do this for ur husband. I am sure he will notice ur efforts and will recognize them. If he doesn't, then u will be in position to make decision about divorce. BUT TRY FIRST.

    and again, Please start reading Quran. and talk to Allah in Tahajud prayer.Ask ur peace from HIM.He will give u. Ask Him to ease ur pains. Ask him to end ur test. He listens to everyone. He loves u. TRY IT.

    Good luck. May Allah bless u. 🙂

  12. Thanks dear sanahelp.
    Yeh inshaallah im gonna diffnatly do that. Its a realy great advise. I do read quran whenever i can but not with translation. From now on inshaallah i will read it with translation. Im also sure i will find alot of peace by doing that.
    May allah help u n ease ur problams too. Ameen. Like u said i,ll try n make this relitionship better for one last time only for the sake of allah. Its so difficult to do somting when ur heart dosnt want to do it but i gess i dont have anyother choice. 🙁 Plz remember me in ur prayers. Im so depressed

    • Great MashaAllah 🙂 U r going to make the best addition into ur life by reading Quran with translation. Do it daily. just one ruku. In shaa Allah i will definitely pray for u. U r going to be a part of my prayers in shaa Allah.

      You know what? Allah brought u here on this site. WHY? because He wants to talk to u. and He made me advise u to read Quran, just because He wants to talk to u. R u getting the point? U should be feeling so special that Allah loves u this much.

      All the best for everything:)

      And please pray for me too. I need prayers ...

      Allah bless u.

  13. Zakallahkhair dear sanahelp.
    I hope ur right that allah loves me alot. Caz belive me deep down i feel like im a sinfull person whom allah is punishing for all this hard times. I knw its a test but why such a long test. I feel like im failing this test. May allah help me, u n evryone alse. Ameen l. Inshallah i will pray for u also.

    • Jazakillahkhair.

    • Dear sister,
      just remember all of us are here to be with you in your hard time. Just relax give yourself some air. Go to your parents house and spend some time with them. As above i see all the people are with you and giving you beautiful advises. Please do not throw yourself in delusion. Allah is guiding you with the words of all the above heavenly souls. Do not lose hope.
      I also suffered from severe depression and all the things u mentioned are symptoms of depression. Go to a psychiatrits or opt for a homeopathic treatment.
      Maybe you are losing confidence in you. Get a good face cream to gloss your complexion and if you can do some workout or get a treadmill and jogg a bit you can look great. You are overburdening your problem. Your husband is totally ok. You just need to glam yourself up.
      Come on sister you are perfectly ok. Dont ruin your life. Be positive always.
      Close your eyes and think again the boy married you thought you are good for him and he wants to be with you.
      Improve yourself a bit. Dont lose the sword before the battle. Life is a tough exam at the end we all have to die. And losing hope is also death. Do not make things come over you. Relax.
      Do not exhaust yourself.
      Hope things go good with time. Do pray for us all. And please let us know what you ate going through from time to time.
      All the best

  14. Jazakallahu khair shaan.

    I feel so good to see thses nice advises n lovly words from everyone. It makes me feel im not a very lonly person. inshaAllah i will let u know how im doing in my life n how im coping with these problames. I also think i have depression n i need help form gp. InshaAllah i will try to make time n see my doctor.
    Once again jazakallahu khair.
    InshaAllah i,ll remember u in my prayers. May allah bless u all. Ameen.

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