Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He says; we will get married but I can’t trust him as he’s been making excuses for 10 years

Allah is the controller of the Hearts

Asalaam aleikum

I m a 26 year old girl from a very normal family Muslim living in Europe.

I met this guy for around 13-14 years ago. I was young and had a crush on him, because he was different from other boys, well mannered first of all. We started to talk back in 2002, 10 years ago and told each other how we felt. He felt the same as me, slowly we began to have a very strong relationship. It was love, nothing seemed to be strong enough to separate us. He and I were sure of getting married when the right time came. We had physical contact too.

His family knew about me, mine did not know about all this. Only my mother knew that we loved each other and he would come to ask for my hand. He told me he would come after his education was over but he didn't. His family had told other people in our society that they wanted me for their son, so many people did not come to ask for my hand for that reason. with time my mother had her doubts about him coming and people talking about me and giving me a "bad" name started. My mom was very hurt and got sick and went sleepless but I waited for him and rejected other guys in my own family for his sake.

Then, he said; his older brother should first get married but the talk of other people affected me so much that I got very weak, both mentally and physically. At last I decided to leave the relationship, but still waited for him. I left him about 1 year went by and he contacted me a lot in the beginning but I refused and told him that if he didn't come to get married he should not think that I m ready to stay with him in a relationship full of fights because the only conversation tool we had was cellphone.

After 1 year, we met and he contacted me and asked me for another chance. His brother's wedding was close so I gave it another chance. He was honest and told me that while I was away, he had been talking to his cousin's daughter who fell in love with him. He had not promised her anything but she wanted him and her mother wanted this to happen too. He spent a lot of time with her, even though he promised me he wouldn't, but he said its his family it cannot be prevented. I showed him how much it hurt me, and she tried to make me jealous by talking to him and getting close to him in front of me, and I told him that it killed me inside, but it didn't bother him.

I feel like I am burning inside, not because of that girl, but because he doesn't care and it gives me thoughts like what if I marry this guy and he can't support me in the future either?
The biggest issue is that in the time, I didn't talk to him I met a guy on the internet whom I started to love. He got me closer to Allah, he taught me how to be thankful, how to be happy, how to believe that everything that happens is for our own good. He fell in love with me, but we both knew that even if the heaven and earth changed places there was no chance for us to be together. So, it was a doomed relationship on the internet, but worst of all is he has seen my naked body. We talked like loved ones do.

All this which is happening now is killing me inside. I am burning day and night and I feel I am getting my punishment for what I have done. I am with the first guy now and no contact to the internet guy. I don't know if I should tell about the internet guy to the one I am with now. because I feel like I am sitting on fire. He says we will get married soon, but I have so many doubts. Are we right for each other can we trust each other? I waited for him for almost 10 years, but he never appreciated it. His family never thought of disrespect their bad mouthing caused me and my family. What can I do? 🙁

Burned.


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6 Responses »

  1. Oh Allah I was shivering while reading your last paragraph. That guy made you to close to Allah and what was the result he saw you naked! Omg I donot get why some people pretended to be a nice Muslim person from inside the saytaan is living?

    Anyways sister you did been commenting sins in 10years. First of all get yourself a glass of water drink then repent to Allah ask for forgiveness cry to Allah to forgive you sister. We humen normally live 60/70 years you are 26 and in 26 years 10yr you were in haram relation and committed zina. Forget that guy tell your mother to look a spouse for you. To me after reading your post I think you can't judge people you are too soft and guys are having space to use you like a doll they are playing and using your emotion and your thoughts. Tell your mother or other relative to look a spouse for you. Do not marry this man mean your bf am do not sit on Internet and chat with non mahram. The time you putting in chatting you can use that time to make dua to Allah or pray or react quaran.

    Do not ruin your life anymore sister. Anyways I am I hurry I wil post some quote to make you more clear .

    May Allah bless you

  2. Wa'alykumsalam sister !!

    I wont be rude but I'll just sum up what you did till now. Basically you just sinned, sinned and sinned. So my first Islamic advice is for you to stop all communication with non mahrams, be it on internet or real life. and then start regreting and repenting for the sins you have committed. Make good use of this ramadan. Ask Allah sincerely to forgive you and guide you. Insha'Allah from there, you can make proper decisions.

    About that guy you waited for almost 10 years. Its your mistake that you waited. You could have arrange a family meeting to get married to him, unless ofcourse if you were a kid. But now you have to leave him and go on with your life. You are 26 years old and time will fly by, so if you want to get married, do it in a proper Islamic way and get married to a good pious muslim man. Do salat istikhara before making a final decision.

    You asked-

    Are we right for each other can we trust each other?

    you also mentioned that-

    He had not promised her anything but she wanted him and her mother wanted this to happen too. He spent a lot of time with her, even though he promised me he wouldn't, but he said its his family it cannot be prevented. I showed him how much it hurt me, and she tried to make me jealous by talking to him and getting close to him in front of me, and I told him that it killed me inside, but it didn't bother him. I feel like I am burning inside, not because of that girl, but because he doesn't care and it gives me thoughts like what if I marry this guy and he can't support me in the future either?

    So I believe you have your answer now. I mean just look at what is he doing. Would you want such kind of man ? For a fact, If his mother wants him to marry his cousin's daughter, then most probably he would do that due to family pressure. I really dont think, he would be a great husband. He promised to marry you, 10 years past and now he is going out with other girl. hmmmm not a good move. Dont fall for him.

    The biggest issue is that in the time, I didn't talk to him I met a guy on the internet whom I started to love. He got me closer to Allah, he taught me how to be thankful, how to be happy, how to believe that everything that happens is for our own good. He fell in love with me, but we both knew that even if the heaven and earth changed places there was no chance for us to be together. So, it was a doomed relationship on the internet, but worst of all is he has seen my naked body. We talked like loved ones do.

    Astagfirullah sister. How can you just chat with some freak on the internet and show your naked body ? are you not ashame ? Where is protecting your chastity and dignity ? Leave your shaytan alone and come to the straight path. I hope for one, he didn't record it and start publishing it on the internet like most dirty men do and will blackmail you after your married life. START REPENTING for this montorous evil deed you did.

    and next time don't get fooled when someone tries to talk about Islam, its a trap to get to you. He succeded. For a fact, in another thread, I read that, A sister met a religious man, who memorized the whole qur'an, pray 5 times, fasts etc etc and yet they both committed zina and that man started blackmailing her. That sister got fooled by that guy, coz she didn't hear him recite the whole qur'an to say that he " memorized" it. lol.

    People started to say they are religious to get to weak woman and then go on to next level of physical intimacy before marriage and then leave that woman in distraught.

    You said he taught you how to get closer to Allah and how to believe that everythin happened is for your own good. Are you serious ? So did you get closer to Allah and did showing your naked body to him happened for good ? Where is the haya, hijab nd everything ??? Sister this world is fillled with deception. Dont fall for it and dont deceive people.

    Have patience. Talk to your parents regarding marriage. Stop talking to non mahrams if you want Allah to bless your marriage life with peace, mercy and happiness. A sheikh once told me, If you want your marriage life to be fruitfull, then the process preceding it has to be halal. If not then dont complain in the future. Dont marry either of them. Atleast you did good by coming on this site and seeking for Islamic advice. So take heed. There is a stern punishment for sinners.

    And Allah knows best.

  3. Allah is directly talking to you sister-

    "O ye who believe! follow not Satan's footsteps: if any will follow the footsteps of Satan, he will (but) command what is shameful and wrong: and were it not for the grace and mercy of Allah on you, not one of you would ever have been pure: but Allah doth purify whom He pleases: and Allah is One Who hears and knows (all things)." [24:21]

    "And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands........... and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye Believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain Bliss." [24:30]

    "The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication,- flog each of them with a hundred stripes: Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: and let a party of the Believers witness their punishment." [24:2]

    "Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry and but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden." [24:3]

    In a tradition transmitted by Bukhari, on the authority of Samurah ibn Jundab (raa), concerning a dream of the Prophet in which the Prophet accompanied by Jibreel and Mikaail, the Prophet (saws) said: "We went on and arrived near a pit which was like an oven, out of which we could hear cries. We glanced into it and saw naked men and women, who cried out when the flames reached them from below. I asked, "Who are these, o Jibreel?" He replied: "Males and females who have committed fornication."

    "Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honourable." [24:26]

    Takecare

  4. As Salamu Alaikum,

    it seems some people highjack Islam to do all sorts of bad things. Subhana ALLAH!
    Just a thought!
    Reader

  5. Wa'aleikum Salaam, Wa Na'imah, Wa Maghfirah, Wa Rahmatullahi, Wa Barakatuh. Az-Zumar(39) 53: Say: "O My Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."
    54. "Turn to your Lord in repentance and submit to Him, before Chastisement comes on you: after that you shall not be helped."
    In addition to what has been commented by others, do not despair of Allah's mercy. Turn to him in sincere repentance. Ask Allah to forgive you. Get involved with activities being carried out by other sisters in your local masjid, if there is a joint ramadhan iftar programme, go and help and make new friends (sisters). Recite The Qur'an, help around, make yourself too busy to even think about those two men who have wasted your life. Cut off any contact you have with them. Ask your mum or other elders you trust, to search for a good pious, strict practicing Muslim man, get married as soon as possible. You'll need the guidance, trust me. Be strict on yourself, 4give yourself n don't let shaytan trick you by telling you, "You've already done it, so there is nothing else to hide." Allah forgives and gives us other chances, so do the same for yourself. Forget those two excuses of Muslim men. You deserve better. All the best dear sister. And do not despair.
    Jazakillahu khayr wa Barakallah.

  6. Stop waiting for Mr Empty Promises. Have some respect for yourself, instead. You're worth more than being someone's back-up plan. Cut off contact with the guy that's been stringing you along for ten years because he had ample time to do right be you and make an honest woman of you and he didn't -- instead, he's chatting up someone new (and his mom is encouraging this disrespectful treatment of you!), while keeping you on the back burner, uncaring of all the opportunities he is costing you; that shows you how little you're worth to him! Break up with him once and for all. And, then, break up with Internet Guy because he is probably full of lies and exploiting Islam just to get into your virtual panties. Spend a good six months de-toxing from all these loser guys, build up your self, your sense of self-worth, your hobbies, and your interests. And, then, go out and look for someone who has the same values, who is honest about what he wants, and who won't string you along. And when you meet that next guy, don't wait around forever for him; if you're talking for six months and being romantic and you guys haven't talked to each other's families about marriage yet, then move on. People take advantage of you if you let them. Respect yourself and the life that God gave you. Ditch both of these losers that have been taking advantage of you and move forward with your life, your dignity, and better hopes!

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