Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Black magic took me from my family and into an abusive relationship

Unhappy young woman

I am scared of what I do, what happens to me and what if anything else happens to me...

When I was younger I always felt like an outcast in the family. I used to cry every night and wish to leave home and then one day I did at the age of 16. I hated my family then. I didn't feel any emotions: no sadness, no happiness from what I remember. I didn't miss them.

Then a few years on I found out I had black magic done to me to make me leave home and hate my family since I was a little girl and this explains why I used to cry and feel like an outcast and wish to leave home. To know I had this done to me hurts me. Every time I think about it, it kills me and I feel like they ruined my life!!

They did black magic for me to do bad things like drink etc. Two people did it to me. At the age of 16 I lost my virginity, I drank, tried weed, etc. It's like I didn't have a brain when I did it and that is a shame - all of it - I feel so ashamed.

When I turned 19 it was undone. In that time I had a boyfriend who was violent to me and beat me up. I drank when I was with him and smoked weed but when it was undone I started feeling again, thinking about my family, crying every night and most days about what's happened to me and why? ... why did it have to happen to me? I can't ever get over it.

I really feel like it's changed me. Even though I had black magic done to me, my family always were so angry with me cause they knew I had a boyfriend and lived with him, and I understand it's so bad and shameful but I was alone  and no one hardly spoke to me till it was undone and I suppose they had it done to them too. Every time I went to visit they wanted me to move home but I couldn't. I wanted to but they'd mention something I did and I was scared and ashamed and too hurt. I stopped drinking and everything.

I went to move home a few times and I really wanted to. Every time I thought I was going to and it's going to be fine I was so happy - the happiest you ever felt but arguments always happened and I just couldn't cope with the pain of growing up out of home and missing them, then seeing them grown up and missed out on it. Not being there for them.

One time I decided to deal with it, put up with the hurt and anger and move, but so I did, but I had to go back to my place and get rid of my stuff as no one ever believe me. They thought I just made excuses up and didn't want to move and study but I did! I wanted to more than anything but arguments happened again and so I left and went back.

Then I went through a bad stage again where I hardly had money or ate - I had to  borrow money. Then I went to a friend's birthday and met a guy. We got along so well, we spoke  about everything, he was the first person in years I told everything to. He told me everything - he had seen my place and seen I hardly had anything nor food and I was doing bad. We fell in love and he looked after me. He knew I hardly ate and made sure I ate, he made sure I didn't go without, he made sure I wasn't talking to idiots, he made me feel good and happy and safe and like I had someone and I wasn't alone. When I got money I gave it to him and he let me keep a bit to get what I want.

We were together day and night all day everyday, then I spoke to my family want decided and moving home. I just thought everything will be fine. Then arguments happened again. I got horrible things said to me and I couldn't cope again so I went home and we dicided to get a place together because my family didn't want to know me etc.

He paid for everything while I was looking for work but he became controlling a bit. I helped him with getting a better job and education and become a better person. I cleaned and cooked but he'd go through my phone all the time, and he wouldn't let me stay at my friend's house that I've been friends with for years because he didn't know her and he was paranoid. He'd accuse me of going on websites and cheating when I never did anything. I became weak and I listened to everything he said.

Then I started speaking to my dam again and things are going ok so I want to move home, but am scared of it all going wrong. I told him I want to move and he wasn't happy because I promised him I won't and we'll be together for ever. He really loves me and because he seen me go through the same thing again and again. But he threatened he will tell my mum everything if I finish with him or  mess him about unless I get all the money he's spent back. So I've applied for jobs.

I've become mean, moody, snappy, depressed. Sometimes I feel forced into things and now I feel weak and scared and bad. I just don't know what to do. I do wanna move home cause it's important and I love my family. But I don't want to have  to leave this guy. I feel like I have to be with him now even though I don't want to and I'd rather be single for the reast of my life. He always perves at other women and touches me in places I don't want him to. I just don't know what to do... what have I come to?  Avicenna me. I just don't know what to do and I am scared of what might happen next. I hope it's all good.


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10 Responses »

  1. have u ever consulted a psyhiatrist? i mean its not black magic it must be some other thing. and aslo mention about ur family members. u have brothers sisters mom dad..all of them? or do u have step mother? tell about ur family.

  2. Why you want to move back home?

    Are you ready to stop arguing with your family? Do you expect your family to allow you to go out, drink, do weed and have sex with boys?

    Why you want to keep relationship with a pervert guy after you move back home?

    Move back only if you want to change, get some education, get a job, get married.

    Ask for forgiveness for your sins and move on.

    Bad things happen to many young girls and boys, many times in their homes. Sexual molestation by relatives happens a lot. So you are not alone who has done bad things.or to whom bad things happened.

  3. Assalam U Alaikum,
    Sister, i assume that this relation you are having with the person is illegitimate because you didnt mention having nikah with him. If you cant afford proper marriage, you should at least do nikah sister. Good things never come out of bad things. If the person was a good muslim, he would himself have offered you to get married. You cannot live like this. He is very possessive of you. A man does every thing himself and woman forgives, but when woman tells him about his past, he is always suspicious and past of the girl haunts him. It is a natural phenomena and every husband experiences it if he knows about the past of his wife. The wife must not share every detail of her affairs with her husband. If she is repentant to Allah and good in character afterwards, then its enough in my view.
    I suggest you search for a job and leave this person as soon as possible. Also i think you should move back to your family but stop arguing with them. The only issue keeping you from living with your family is your EGO. Why do you have to answer every accusation they put on you? Just keep quite for Allah's will, your family will definitely change their behavior with you. You have caused them so much pain and humiliation with your actions sister. Still they support you and doesnt stop you from living with them. They still love you.
    If they taunt you about some past issues, be patient about it. Dont reply. Its natural behavior developed over years due to what you did, it will go away slowly. Show improvement and respect towards them. Help your mom and others in household tasks. Show your contribution.
    May Allah do better for you. My prayers are with you.

  4. can u people see my post? please check as i am in need of advice

    may Allah bless u all

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Your post is in the queue, pending for publication. We receive a lot of posts, so there is a waiting time between submission and publication.

      If you need advice more urgently, you could try searching the archives, as it may be that similar questions have been answered before.

      Midnightmoon editor

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    You have been through so much in your life already - inshaAllah you will find some reward for your struggles in the next life. Remember that we are all tested, so that we can grow and become closer to Allah, but we will not be tested with more than we can bear. Trust in Allah.

    Sometimes when we look around us and all we see is chaos, the way forward is to strip all the mess away and return to the basic principles of Islam. So much of the confusion surrounding us is due to our nafs, other people's actions, un-Islamic influences... Think about what the Quran and ahadith tell us to do, and let that be your guide.

    This man is not your husband, he does not seem to be of good character, and you don't want to be with him - so don't be with him. You don't owe him anything.

    Islam teaches that family is very important. Things have been difficult between you, but inshaAllah with some hard work and time, you should be able to reconcile. It may be that you and your immediate family might benefit from some family counselling to get the tensions between you all out in the open and begin to address them in a constructive way.

    You might also find it helpful to get some individual counselling to work through the issues that have affected your life up until now. That way, you can identify the things you need to change in order to get back to living in accordance with Islamic teachings, and start working on these.

    Don't expect this to be a quick or easy process. It has taken a lot of time and stress and tears for things to get to this point (regardless of what has caused the rifts between you all), so it will take time and hard work for things to get better. But if you stay focused on the goals - reconciling with your family and living an Islamic lifestyle - then inshaAllah you can do this.

    Midnightmoon editor

  6. This has nothing to do with black magic.

    You got into the wrong path of disobeying your parents. You made your own choices and mostly were the wrong choices. You SHOULD leave this man, b/f & g/f relationships do not exist in Islam. What you doing is forbidden and haraam.

    I strongly advise you for your own saftey leave this guy and go home. Your family are not your enemy they love you, leave this man he is not worth it. May Allah make it easy for you inshAllah.

  7. Salaams,

    Personally I'm not so convinced that you should go back home to your family. I tend to believe that when children are feeling like you- outcast, hurt etc to the point of running away or making bad choices, that the family is partly if not mostly to blame. I think part of the reason the conflict keeps coming back at home is because you are actually not being treated with value and care by your family.

    If that's the case, going back home is not going to change anything in your situation. You're still going to feel empty inside, and you'll likely still cope with the pain of it by making poor choices or getting ensnared in abusive relationships.

    I suggest that not only you leave this man, but look for a job if you don't have one and try to room with a friend or even stay in a battered woman's shelter. Take some time to start focusing on building yourself up, instead of relying on someone else (family, boyfriends) to validate you. I also strongly suggest that you get a professional counselor so you can start exploring the pain that's fueling the patterns you keep recreating, so you can start making different choices in your life.

    Absent that, the cycle can continue indefinitely. You have to take a long hard look at yourself and decide if this is really want you want to keep reliving. Don't wait until another decade has gone by with no improvements before you decide it's finally time to get help.

    -Amy Editor

  8. I don't know your family situation but right now you should be focusing on yourself and you're not really stable enough to have a relation with someone else especially a haram one which will just harm you in every possible way. Leave this weird guy who is threatening you what are you even doing with a guy like that seriously? You are worth much more. You need to get your life together, go get an education and sort yourself out. Get some therapy because trust me you need it and it will help. Repent to Allah even if you aren't practicing because He is the ONLY one that can help you. Stay away from guys they will only use and manipulate you because you are weak and insecure at the moment. When you fix up inshallah you will attract the right kind of man

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