How do I bring my sister back on track?
Alsalamu Aliekum,
I live in Minnesota with my family, and over the past years my parents and I have been struggling to get my sister back on a straighter path.
She is 22, I'm a little older. She is doing very bad in college and she claims to always have suicidal tendencies when she is denied the right to the car, or to go out (not school) to wherever she wants or to any material objects.
Over the last few years of college, my father assumed she was only going to college. But lately they have tried restricting her privileges because her GPA is <2.5.
My parents are very good people, Masha'Allah. They work very hard and are very stressed out by this situation. If my father is at all strict, for example raising his voice, my sister argues louder and starts to physically attack anyone.
This has caused my dad to strike back (pushing), but only in defense of people like my mother. But most of the time, he tries to keep calm. My mother is weaker and always gives in to my sister's demands.
As for me, I don't like conflict and try to approach her by asking her why she is so angry. She claims that she has the right the everything my dad works hard for and that nothing she does is her parent's business.
Earlier today, I tried to explain how material concerns in this life are irrelevant, and we should try to just worship Allah (swt), and make this life better for our family. But she said she didn't want to listen to me and said some bad things about our religion, and revealed other things, like the fact she has a boyfriend.
I had to leave immediately, as I was very upset. This last month has been very hard on my family, and my father is getting older and more tired, and my mother was just diagnosed with a terrible disease.
I just pray everyday that things will get better. I don't know what else to do.
Alsalamu Aliekum,
- tmoreknew
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sallam
wow thats terrible! the thing is is she reacting badly becuase your family are treating her badly or differently or is the ones shoe doing wrong and your reacting to her. i woudl seriously think about it. the thing is you cant change or control someone you can only change yourself! im not in any way stating any of this is your fault but sometimes when adults are living tpogether they get irritated by eachother! all you can do is set a good example and be a good muslim and even pray for her! preaching is a bad idea as it winds the otehr person uo, just try and she her how positive and peachful islam is and she will want to come to islam. furthermore not everyone is an intellectual, so maby your sister genuinly has study issues! you must not blame her or lecture her, just try and help! my brotehr had study issues and we found something he enjoys studying and hes thriving! being positive and not patronising is the key!
Allah hafiz
Salamualaikum,
Sister, people tend to become what the environment makes them. They adopt the environment and the environment adopts them. Plus, a person adopts the characteristics of his or her friends. As the Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that 'a person is upon the Religion of his friend'
These people do not like to be controlled. Infact, if they think anyone is controlling them, it hurts their ego. Hence, they react violently.
The solution to this is in Deen. You should indirectly give the knowledge of Deen to her. How?
You, your parents, and anyone who stays in the house should be kind to her and not shout at her. If she demands something she should not be given, instead of direct denial, look for an indirect way to say no.
In this way, win her confidence. She currently thinks no one cares for her and everyone hates her. You should prove that it is wrong, and you people care for her.
You should show that you love her.
After she starts trusting you, you can take her to Religious gatherings, occasionally, make sure she starts being concious about her prayers and starts to know Allah, thus starting to love Him and seek His Pleasure.
This way, you could take care of her other issues such as the boyfriend issue as well.
I hope this helps. I pray that Allah brings your sister back on track.
Aameen
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salamualaikum,
compleatly agree with you brother, beautifully said!
Allah hafiz
Salaam.
I am sorry to hear about your predicament. I've been there, and had a similar problem with a close relative myself who I will call 'R.' It is not nice. And of course your sister is not behaving in a nice appropriate manner.
"These people do not like to be controlled. Infact, if they think anyone is controlling them, it hurts their ego. Hence, they react violently."
I completely 100% agree with this. In the case I saw first hand, the parents of R of course were very upset when he was achieving bad grades - they compared him to one of his older siblings who was getting good grades and he had some restrictions and was punished. He also refused to pray despite his mother constantly harrassing him. In the end he became violent.
After some time the parents took a step back and left him alone a bit. Let him make some of his own choices. They never approved, but as he was an adult they felt it was up to him to decide because hassling him was obviously not working. He is no longer violent Alhumdulilah and he no longer hates Islam. In fact, he likes it.The relationship is much better and he knows his family loves him but doesnt approve of him not praying etc. Rs mother continues to pray for him.
Brother I would advise you not to imprison your sister - give her some space and show her you love her. Deal with her kindly and be patient. Allah will reward you. At the same time, never condone her behaviour in anyway - it is fine to show disappointment if she behaves out of character. Sometimes all a person needs is a bit of freedom/leeway. If someone is told they cant do A, cant do B or cant do C it isnt surprising they retaliate.
Of course continue praying for her as well.
I hope this is of help to you InshaAllah.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
just keep faith in allaha and pray to allaha
and get ur sister marry soon to a good muslim man