Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My daughter’s husband has an immoral character – what to do??


We all want the best for our children...

Please could anyone give me a perspective on my situation. My daughter who is 24 did a nikakh in secret to a Muslim man who was 10 years older than herself. He was also divorced and had a child of 4 from an affair with a white woman while he was still married to his first wife. He did not tell my daughter this until she was totally in love with him so by the time he did she was at a stage where she didn't care. My daughter is in the medical profession and he is on Job Seekers Allowance..

When she got around to telling us we were shocked and heartbroken. As we did not know much about him I did some research on him and found he was not a very Islamic person.We read Namaz and fast in our family but he did none of these, he shortchanged people when they did some work for him, and many other petty things too numerous to mention including fraud, but also he is a womaniser who cannot help himself.

I told my daughter all these facts and for a while she agreed he was bad news and would get an annulment. She was still living with us and had never been to live with him. Then when the date of annulment came she changed her mind, went to work one day and phone to say she wasn't coming back after I gave her a choice of choose us or him. She said she knows he's bad to the bone but she can't help herself. We did our level best to disuade her from him to no avail. He had her in his grip during her last year of university and she was secretly seeing him all through her pre-reg year even though when she first told us that she would like to get to know this guy we said no way he was not suitable. She lied all the time about where she was and who she saw.

Well she has gone now - I told her she made her choice, I have no more contact with her but if she needed me I would be there like a shot. We had no objection whatsoever of her choosing her own life partner but we meant it to be a like minded individual who practised Islam to some degree at least. He could have been poor as a doormouse and it would have been ok, he just had to be a good honest person. He is nothing of the sort and has encouraged my daughter to lie and deceive. She was not brought up in this way. She has broken all the family's hearts.

Your questions on here of this sort are usually about how the parents don't approve because of caste of colour even though that person may be of very good character. My problem is what if the character is immoral,what to do now??


Tagged as: , , , , , ,

5 Responses »

  1. I think you did all you can. You told her you disapprove, but that if she needs anything you are always there.

    Try to keep in touch, make sure she is okay and let her know you still love her. Visit her if you can and talk about general topics that don't bash/put down husband.

    And most of all, make lots of dua and pray that she is living a good life that is according to Islam.

    She is 24, she has made her choice. All you can do is repair your relationship with her and hope she is doing well.

  2. you say "She lied all the time about where she was and who she saw."

    Your daughter is 24, old enough to know what she is doing. It is not clear if you told her you will be there if she needed you? There is not much you can do at this stage.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    Sometimes, children have to make their own mistakes in order to learn, despite the best efforts of their parents, and all that their parents can do is make dua and be there to support them when mistakes happen. You have given her a solid grounding in Islamic principles and a loving family home, so inshaAllah she is likely to have developed the skills she needs to recognise if a situation is not good for her and to disengage from it if need be.

    While this man may have a questionable past, are you sure he has not repented or felt remorse for his transgressions? If he has recognised that he has acted wrongly in the past, and is trying to turn back to Islam, then it might be worth trying to get to know him as a person and building some sort of relationship between him and the male members of your family. It may be that meeting your daughter has sparked a change in his behaviour.

    If you have concerns about your daughter's safety, that has to be paramount - in this situation, please alert the local police or health service who can investigate the issues, and encourage her to ask for help.

    One of the most important things you can do is to keep the lines of communication open between you and your daughter. That way, if she needs help, she can turn to you, and if she decides to stay with this man then you can all get to know each other a bit better and try to at least be civil to each other.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Salaam,

    When I read your story It felt as if my own father was writing about the situation that happened in our home, because of me, years ago. I too married a man and then went home and tried to convince my parents to get to know him. They investigated and found out that he didn't have good character. I also left home and never turned back and then that's when things got worse. I too was very well educated, and raised in a stable and religious home, and he was out of work and didn't even have legal residence in his country or practice Islam very much. As a result of everything that I had done, and the guilt that I had because of the things I did- I felt like I had no choice but to stay married to a man that was not treating me well and was continuing to behave inappropriately with other women.

    Please, I encourage you to contact your daughter and try to rebuild your relationship with her- as uncomfortable or as painful as it may be she is your blood. I can understand the hurt and pain she has put you through but believe me that was probably unintentional and she was just blinded by love for this man. I pray that she is happy and well but if her situation turned out like mine- she may be miserable but she may feel like she's lost the right to turn to her family for help. Please reach out to her, i'm positive that if you take one step towards her, she will take 10 towards you inshAllah.

    She may not listen to you if you say anything about her husband but if she needs help and is in a bad situation she needs to know that her parents are here for her so that she doesn't continue to suffer for years accepting the suffering as punishment for her actions. I pray that this isn't her situation i'm just speaking from my experiences because the story you wrote is eerily the exact same as mine.

  5. May Allah forgive us!! My daughter also did some terrible thing now I am preparing myself what to answer in front of Allah when he will ask me about how we raised our children on the day of judgment.

Leave a Response