Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t want to hate my mother, but I do

Controlling Mother

Background: Me and my 4 siblings have been very close to our mother always, but there are days I don't like how she's always badmouthing my father and wishing that he would die. I admit he has his faults, and he's not a good husband or a father, but still- how can you say something like that about your husband?

They don't talk to each other, but seeing my mother always dragging my father into every situation and thing that goes wrong makes me irritated. I even joke about how she can't spend a day without saying his name.

Present: My mother and I have not been on good terms for 3 weeks. We had an argument over a petty issue, but she's so hyper, always. Now the thing is she curses me alot.

Yesterday I cut my finger pretty badly from a broken mirror, so deep that my flesh is showing. So she asked me to do the dishes but I said I can't do it because I have a cut on my finger. She started shouting and cursing me, she said something very bad would happen to me and that I'll see when I go out from the house (I think she was implying that I would die or something when I go out).

I think I hate my mother, but I don't want to. She's my mother, after all. I also think I'm depressed. I have to give a thesis this semester but I can't concentrate on my work. I can't sleep at night, I keep blaming and feeling crap about myself. I need motivation. I pray to Allah to forgive me and give me patience. I'm generally a very patient person. Alhamdulillah. Help me out. Please (Muslim, 22, female)

-Tabsi

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3 Responses »

  1. Your mother is evidently hurt and hasn't dealt with it properly hence why she has a lot of hate and bitterness in her heart. Don't tell her how to feel as it wasn't you on the receiving end of the pain. Imagine you said he's not a good father or husband and that's coming from you, now imagine that 10x and that's how your mum feels it. Take it easy on her. Treat her with respect and pray for her no matter what she says. Say one thing and then do something is completely different. It sounds to me your mum talks a lot about things she don't actually mean.

    Try doing stuff without her having to ask you, try making her tea. Do something to surprise and watch her tone change. You need to bring kindness to her heart and you do that hy showing her kindness

  2. When you grow up and live in a toxic, hostile and pessimistic environment, you eventually pick up those traits as well. It's difficult to be happy and positive when you're surrounded by misery and miserable people. It's not fair on your mother to choose to remain in a bad marriage, and to lash out on her kids due to her bad marriage. Do you have any family members you can stay with? Like grandparents? You're also old enough to live by yourself, but that would require some financial resources - do you have a job? Could you afford to live on your own? Maybe you could also just let your mother know that you'll move out if the environment at home doesn't improve. Tell her how all of this negativity is affecting you...

  3. Assalaamu alaikum,

    You wrote the following;-
    -Me and my 4 siblings have been very close to our mother always
    - he's not a good husband or a father
    - how can you say something like that about your husband?

    How about how can you say something like what you say about your mother? Mother, mother, mother then father. Except by your own statement, your father is not a good father.

    Your mother is becoming angry at you as you are not empathising with the pain she feels due to your father. It's not right for her to speak badly but she is hurt. Support your mother and speak to her kindly, even if she speaks unkindly. This will do more to soften her than you shouting back at her. She sounds mentally unwell which wouldn't be a surprise as she has not been honoured as a wife, nor supported in parenthood. Do not add to her trauma, as it is much more painful to be spoken harshly to by her own child than the poor excuse of a man she unfortunately married. She is probably trapped mentally and financially. Many women in this situation fear being alone and the stigma that still exists for single mothers. Or else holding out in vain for him to change.

    The best of men are those who are best to their wives. You don't seem to hold your father to account for much. Have you ever addressed him on why he doesn't even talk to his own wife?

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