Feeling guilty and depressed
So i have been visiting this site for past some months to find solution to my problem but now i have come to such an extent that i will die bcz of my guilt if i will not get any advice.....as i cannot share my problem with anyone so this forum is my last chance......
So when i was 6 years old my servant tried to sexually molest me but ALLAH protected my virginity....he threatened me to not tell someone and i was so young that i got scared and remained quiet....and then he left our job during these years my cousin came to live with us....he also started to sexually abuse me.....i was 7 at that time.....he stayed with us for almost 6 years and during these 6 years he would hug me kiss me and i could not tell anyone......after that he left for abroad because of his job....but Allah the Merciful had always protected my virginity....as i was exposed to these things at very early age i became very lusty....when i got mature i could not control my sexual lust....so when i was 13 years i asked my servant as i never had a boyfriend to kiss my chest( i am sorry i am telling in so detail but i need some advice).....
I felt so guilty that i wanted to kill myself....one day i sat with my mother and told her everything how i was sexually abused in early years but i never had the courage to tell her about what i have done with the servant.....my mother consoled me by saying that it was not my fault they tried to use me and i should not feel guilty.....and then i forgot everything for a year but some months i started feeling guilty....
Whatever i have done with my servant it keeps on haunting me...whenever i think of it i want to kill myself....i feel like a rubbish..,how could i do such a filthy thing....i have started praying regularly and i always ask Allah for forgivness....my parents have alot of respect in the society i have betrayed them.....everyone thinks i am pure and very good....but i know that i am the most sinful girl on earth....it keeps on coming to my mind that what will happen if my parents come to know about this....but there are so many questions and fear in my mind....
My questions are:
Q in my early ages when i was sexually abused am i also guilty in that (because i never told anything to my parents if i have told it woud have never happened)?
Q will i be forgiven by Allah because i fear the punishment of hell?i cry everyday thinking about this
Q if my servant ever tells my parents about what i have done with them (as no one else knows about this and the only way my parents can know is if my servant tells or i confess it)can i deny him as i have repented....and trying to be a practicing muslim
Q if my parents ask me to swear than can i swear on a vague answer as i have read many article which say that we can say " Allah has protected me from this sin" which means after my repentance i have not fallen back can we swear on this vague answer?
Q how will i know that Allah has forgiven me?
Please take out time for me and help me as i am in serious trouble.....reply me as soon as possible as my exams are near and i can not concentrate...i would be very thankful to you all and may Allah reward you all for helping me
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for any sexual abuse done to you, you will not be held accountable, you were afraid for your safety and that is all.
Allah will forgive for those bits insha Allah.
now that you have realised what you asked of the servant was wrong, make taubah and never go back to this sin.
No need to expose anyone especially since they are not in your life, plus thats a can of worms you dont want opened, who knows what other lies your oppressors may concoct against you, so let it be, Insha Allah, they and we, all will get what is deserved. I would suggest that you tell your parents, before your servant black mails you with your mistake and takes more advantage of you, tell your parents.
Just ask forgiveness and believe that HE has forgiven you, but NEVER return to the sin.
You have not mentioned how old you are at this point, but if you can, get married because lust is something that can be controlled...never eliminated, hence during your more weaker days, you may give in and that would be fully haram and fully on you. so if you can, do get married, insha Allah you will find peace.
Thank u for replying i am 16 now...so i can not get married and neither i can tell anything to my parents they would kill me.... ALHUMDULLILAH i have improved alot but my sin keeps on haunting me when ever i am sitting alone it comes to my mind and at that point i feel i should commit sucide .....it keeps on coming to my mind what if my parents come to know about this...what if i die today and then sent to hell...these feelings are so horrible they make me cry....i am trying to move closer to islam but when these thoughts come to my mind i think maybe Allah has not forgiven me that is why i am getting these thoughts and as a punishment of my sin Allah will expose me infront of my parents
My dear I am a mother ot 3 girls âgé of 14,15 and 18 when i was Reading tour story i has years at my eyes listen You was very Young at That âgé You didnt know what was going on So dont feel sorry for tour self, Alhamdulillah tour still a Virgin girl and what You have told tour servent was Just a kids Hope gé didnt touch You So dont Be afraid as long You know your ok So Just Be strong and stop thinking of killing your self That Is a big sin its haram the only think You Can do know pray and ask Allah to forgive You and ge Will because He Is the only one Can forgive and He Will because You didnt knew what was going on So try to wear hijab pray in time Read quean respect your self keep the shatan away in your mind and think about your éducation That Is the Most important in your life and inshallah i Will pray for You That You should come out to your self and to Be strong again and remember Allah have told us ask for forgiveness and i should forgive You ok So keep asking for forgive i wish You all the best in your exams.
I have been through what you are going through. I posted on this site about sex abuse as a child and what complications it lead to in later married life. For some reason it was NOT PUBLISHED.
Don't blame yourself. I am very pleased to learn you are Allah fearing person who is always seeking ways to repent(something all Muslims should do as we all sin and make mistakes intentially or un intentionally)
What you are feeling is precocious sexuality which often results from sex abuse.
Stay faithful and increase your prayers and imaan the way you are doing so. Allah swt will make things easier for you InShaAllah.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your situation so try not to be too hard on yourself.
thank you for replying it encouraged me alot...but the thing which disturbs me alot is that yes i was sexually abused then why did i ask my servant out....am i that characterless.....these feelings kill me
Make peace with your mistakes.
you cant go back in time and fix them.
stop rejecting what you have done, Accept it, talk yourself through on how wrong it was, and how it has made you that much more averse and stronger against this and other sins.
you are only 16, you cannot let this rule your life, go study, play, pray, eat, learn Islam, follow the sunnah, be respectful.
stop wasting time on regret, make your taubah and go on with life.
I know u can't tell ur parents, but i can only see if it contiues coming back to haunt u, u shud. Its a hard thing to do for sure, but u can overcome it. Your problems are very magnified right now, because u think of it so much. You wudnt dare tell ur parents, but let me tell u they'll get over it. You need to get the help u need, talk to ur mom. They care about way too much to want u to commit suicide. It not ur fault, it is medical science that those who've been sexually assaulted have stronger sexual desires at younger ages. I have two friends that have been molested by men both of them are very lustful today. MashAllah u have done very well already controlling ur urges! Keep it up sister !