Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I give her more time or grant her divorce as per her wish?

My in-laws are causing trouble in my marriage.

Toxic in-laws.

As-salaam alaikum dear brothers and sisters in Islam

I would like to seek an advise regarding my married life. I have been married since 2 years now and developed a wonderful family abroad very close to Allah's home, until the interference and negative influence of my wife's mother in our normal and peaceful life.

A couple of months ago I happened to see a chat conversation in between my wife and her mother (My wife left her chat messenger opened on my notebook, I didn't spy though). I have learned that my wife has been abusing my mother and complaining about every little mistake of mine with full and negative support from her mother for past one year. I didn't believe what I was reading, few things which i have done for my wife was actually instructed by her mother (ex: buying a diamond ring on our wedding anniversary, limit sending money to my widow mother).

However; we had an argument and I warned her and forgave her and finally we moved on. Thereafter, we started having more arguments in regards to my parent in-law's involvement in our life.

Alhamdulillah my wife was due to the delivery of our blessed baby and she had to relocate to her mother's place back home. Meanwhile I was blessed with an opportunity to perform Hajj, and during those 6 days my wife visited my old mother (who stays all alone) and picked up fights due to petty and pointless issues which had no logic and obviously we were regularly in touch thru text messages, and I tried my best to manage her and calm her, assuming that she must be in the state of irritation and frustration due to last months of pregnancy. The day I returned to my destination after performing Hajj pilgrimage, my wife left me a message that she doesn't want to continue the relation and she doesn't want to stay anymore with my mother (as my mother and my mother in-law had an argument over the hospital) and she eventually left my home without asking my mother and without my knowledge.

Later, I tried to convince her to apologize to my mother and resolve this issue right then, but she refused to talk to my mother and started to exude anger, then I spoke to her father to involve in this issue, to my surprise even he has refused to resolve and accused my mother as well on phone,  and finally I lost my temper, resigned from my job, left to another country started working in much better environment with much better career, and then did not talk to my wife for 2 months. I called her on her delivery date and inquired about her health and my mother was already there beside her during delivery.

I returned to my home country after 3 days to see my baby, we didn't happen to talk about our issues rather we were busy decorating gifts for our kid. Before my second visit to my baby, my wife stopped me from visiting her home and exude more anger and anxiety. Its been more than a month now and my wife doesn't realize the source and bad influence of our fights and doesn't look forward to resolving it with just one phone call of an apology to my mother, rather her parents accused me of being an irresponsible husband and being a spy thus demanding an apology from my mother and myself. The situation has become worst now with lots of threatening and warnings and unfortunately we reached to the point where the relationship gets murdered with ego and attitude. I am really confused and remorseful; whether, I have to give her more time to realize her mistakes or to let her go with her own choice of divorce?? Alhamdulillah I have always loved her for the sake of Allah and would accept any decision by Allah SWT.

JazakAllah Khair,

Sam Remorseful.

Tagged as: , , ,

12 Responses »

  1. I would advise to keep trying ti get her back.. Rent a small apartment for u guys away from ur mother... Try ignoring her when she is mad and arguing with u...don't talk back just let her say everything she got and u just let go out of the other ear as if u didn't hear anything and just keep smiling and show her that things r still or could be ok. U guys have a baby now and u should be there living together to raise this child. I would suggest u talk to her father first. Apologize and do as they tell u then tell him u want to rent an apartment for her away from ur mother. Talk politely don't show ur anger and always show them the situation will be fixed. People always jump to inclusions with divorce which is wrong because really it's not wroth it. I my self have a worse situation where I can't stand my husband a bit...but depending on the situation divorce could or could not be a solution.. So keep trying and don't give up until u r left with no other choice.
    Good luck brother I wish u all the best and may Allah SWT ease this situation for u and for the sake
    Of ur new born child.

    PS. congrats on ur new born 🙂

  2. Assalamualaikum

    Here is my advice.

    1. Your wife is supposed to respect her mother in law but its very hard, keep them separate, but be very respectful to your mother and tend to her needs, just don't expect your wife to do your job for you.

    2. My general observation is that the wife's mother is usually a bad influence, but there is not much that can be done about it, if you can find a way to reduce their interaction then that is good otherwise pray for both of them.

    3. Be a good husband but don't go out of your way to please your wife, she needs some growing up to do. Keep quite or just leave when she is being mean and wrong, talking back will not help.

    4. Evaluate your own attitude and improve yourself as much as possible. Be extra kind and caring towards your children so that your wife can observe that you are joy to be around as long as she doesn't make your wife miserable.

    I have never seen Mom's give good advice to their daughters, I have observed so many people around me. Even my mom in law, her love for her daughter (my wife) blinds her and she is unable to see past the fact that sometimes her daughter is at fault. Same goes for my mom and my grandma. As long as you try to do the right thing, Allah will make it easy for you.

    Jazak Allah u Khairan

    • # 2 is completely stepping out of line. you cannot tell someone to limit his wife's interaction with her mother. you can't force someone to reduce interaction with their mother. if my husband ever tells me to stop talking to my husband, i will never accept it. how would you feel if someone asks you to stop talking to your parents?

      • if my husband ever tells me to stop talking to my husband, i will never accept it.

        May be he is requesting you to let him speak too lol; poor husband.


        • i meant if my husband ever tells me to stop talking to PARENTS i would never accept it. did not check my work before submitting it, sorry. and why poor husband? a husband cannot tell someone to stop talking to their parents. if the wife is to stop talking to her mother, then this brother should stop talking to his sick mother too. do u think that is right? no! husband and wife should learn to deal with things the right way, not ignore other muslims especially family.

  3. Brother,

    Try calling and speaking to your wife...ask her if there is some place the two of you might go to sit and talk. No mother in-law or father in-law in tow. Just the two of you. Something more is going on here and you need to get to the bottom of it. The longer she stays with her mother, the slimmer the chance becomes for the two of you to work things out. The both of you communicate by text messaging...that has to stop. You are not communicating at all at that point, not the way you need to anyway.

    Be kind and respectful always however, under no circumstances allow yourself to become anyone's doormat. If you step up and do the right thing by trying to work things out, Allah knows your intentions. If your wife however is not willing or simply cannot bring herself to talk with you so that the two of you can make things work, be it.

    If your wife does not want you to visit her home that is her prerogative however, the child she bore is yours as well and you have every right to visit with your child. I do hope somehow the two of you can work things through. You appear to be a level headed guy who genuinely wants to make amends with your wife. Marriage is a constant battle of ups and downs...I know. I have been married 30 years. I have been to hell and back and even at times when I was ready to throw in the towel, we made it work. Don't give up just yet.


  4. brother

    wot evr it is please dont give her divorce please forget evrythin for Allah n Rasul SAW and give her a chance please brother

  5. salam bro
    it hurts so bad to know your mum stays on her own and yet your wife is influenced to fight and abuse her.your wife must respect u and your mum just take heart bro and give her time dont rush to divorce try to solve d problem also involve d imam and see how far it works.
    About her mum dis is d big problem coz d mum influence your wife do as she wants which is so bad.i believe everything dat was meant to happen will happen keep on praying and Allah will make things work d best way inshaAllah
    i too had a big problem with my mother in was so hard to please her coz she always said iam d fault when it reached divorce my husband decided to move with me to another country far from his mum and alhamdulillah Allah saved our marriage.

    I wish u all d best bro

  6. Aslama aleykum brother. First of all congratulations on your newborn. Second surely you are going through difficult time and may Allah ease your pain and sorrow. My brother in islam the best advice I can give you is talk to your wife and tell her you both made mistakes only Allah Almighty is perfect the rest of u make mistakes. The only way a marriage to survive is tell your problems no one. Believe me when someone gets involved things only escalate to the worst place. Keep your problems and misunderstandings between you two and may Allah guide your mother in law. Finally please keep your mom close as she is old and living a lone, mothers mean the world to us so please take advantage of her while she is still a live. Get as much blessings and du'aa from her as you can. may Allah be with you and keep your family together Ameen.

  7. Sorry forgot to say please don't rush into divorce since now there is a child involved Insha Allah things will get better.

  8. Assalamualaikum

    Its sad how some tactless mothers hijack their daughters' married lives. Its the hunger for control or blind love..Allah knows best.

    However u have givn no details regarding their involvement in ur life. Is it just about ur income or other things as well? If it is just about ur income and how much u spend on ur mother then im sorry but ur in-laws r extremely materialistic (unless their daughter is genuinely deprived) and it is solely their materialism that should b blamed for sowing the seed of hatered nd jealousy in ur wife.,but since u r the 1 who is seeking advice onthis forum i can only try my best to guide u brother.

    Firstly gain ur composure. This issue is not so great that u should give up so quickly. It is too much too soon. Ur wife has just had ur baby. You must haveheard or read about post natal depression, anxiety etc. If not then read about it. Itcould b that or just coz this is the only way she is trying to gain some attention from u. After the argument with her you just disconnected from ur pregnant wife completely. You have clearly not shown ur maturity. NOT GOOD. She apparently has resentments. Thisis ur first child and her first pregnancy which has never been easy for any woman and if one was to hear her side of the story he should naturally feel sorry for her.

    you have indeed over reacted. What is her problem with ur mum? Try to listen to both the parties. Keep urself neutral. Your mother is old and has probably raised u alone. She perhaps has many expectations of u. On the other hand ur wife perhaps finds ur mother overposessive or bitter towards her. Listen to her issues without snapping back. How will u play the role of bridging the gap between them if u play the disappearing act as u did? Your wife is also ur responsibility just like ur mom and unless these 2 understand that perfectly there wont b any peace in ur life even if u divorced this wife for another. So try to reach the root of the problem.

    ignore ur in-laws for a while at least. It is easy for her to trust them over u b'coz they were there to support her throughout her pregnancy while u sulked away. Give them some credit for that and bring her home. Divorce will also affect ur child now. Can u afford to lose him? Send ur mum away for a while, while tHe 2of u resolve ur issues without anybody's mother- in-law's interference. If u think it is important for her to say sorry then dont forget that even u owe her the same. Be smart and b the first to say it. If still they r not able to compromise keep them away from each other but not so far from eachother that u would find urself unable to reach ur mum when she needs u. Do not stop supporting her financially regardless of what any1says and AVOID THE 'D' WORD.

    May Allah give both the lady's sabr, Ur in-laws some sense and u the right guidance. Ameen.

  9. Asalaamualaikam

    When you say that your wife was abusing your mother, do you mean that she was causing harm to your mother (physical or psychological, or was it that she was saying unpleasant things about your mother to her own mother?

    If it is a case of personalities clashing, your wife and mother may not be able to be friends, but should still have respect for each other and observe their responsibilities to each other.

    During and after pregnancy is an emotional time for many women, as hormonal levels oscillate and can cause distress. Your wife may also be greatly struggling with having been left without her husband for two months in the later stages of pregnancy - this may have been very upsetting for her. I would advise giving her time to adjust, and making efforts to reunite your family, before thinking about divorce.

    Equally, you have the right to have your mother treated with courtesy and respect, and a duty to stand up for her rights. If you feel she is being abused and suffering, you need to take steps to protect her from this, such as arranging separate but close accommodation, employing a carer or cleaner for her... There are many resources available to help elderly people so if this is a concern, help can be found.

    Ultimately, you and your wife need to examine your relationship without the input of relatives on either side. Once all the extra drama and confusion is taken away, do the two of you want to remain together and can the hurt on both sides be set aside? If so, then try counselling and moving forward together. If not, then part amicably and establish an agreement regarding your child, so that both parties have their rights and responsibilities respected, and your child can grow up knowing love and care from both parents.

    Before making any decision, ask Allah for guidance and aid.

    Midnightmoon editor

Leave a Response