Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Heading for divorce

Muslim woman praying, saying dua' in Masjid


i am writing to see if I can get some clarity from others about my situation as I have been feeling very lost lately.

i married 2 years ago- we come from 2 different cultures. For the last few years even prior to marriage my husband has been supporting his family financially as his fathers business had broken down to nothing over the last 6 or so years. I understand the importance of supporting ones parents financially and have told him how I feel about it- more than happy to do it but keeping in mind that we should establish a way that perhaps his father can once again be independent again. Every fortnight for the last 6 years my husband his been sending $600-800 to his parents so pretty much financially supporting the entire family not just the parents.

Seeing that we are married we tried multiple things for his siblings to get into their feet but they all failed. During those last 6 years my husband has been sending about $20000-25000 every year plus eid and other expenses.

My frustration lies with his father but also with my husband- on multiple occasions I had asked him how much longer are we doing this as I would like for us to move on with our life also- I'm not cruel- we supported them every fortnight to pretty much pay for everything and his other siblings in the meantime did nothing they wouldn't look for work and my husband said it's because there no proper paying jobs there but my argument was and always will be if you are that desperate you will do whatever it takes. I'm happy for him to support them but with the chinks he is sending it's having an effect on our life- he's very stressed and has started to form into someone I don't even know anymore- I can't remember the last time we were actually truly happy where he didn't have something in the back of his mind.

He didn't see an issue with his siblings not even trying or working but now it's having a toll on him and us he can see the selfishness. The thing that really irritates me is that he is the only source of income for them- everything happens through him- his mother has multiple health issues and most of her treatments cost hundreds to thousands on top of what he's sending and as much as I understand that one should help parents we end up with nothing and then have to think how will we pay bills so we always have to delay them. Their expectations are that he should do everything.

Thats not the worst though- recently after trying a lot of different ways we thought maybe the lump sum of what we had for his siblings to help out would better be used to get his father going again instead his father wants to marry off his daughter and expects my husband to pay for it- but although we send $10000 he still complained it wasn't enough- this is when it truly hit me- I just can't keep doing this. I spoke to my husband and told him my concerns about everything he used a bit of emotional blackmail saying if he iesnt get his sister married his dad might have a heart attack but I asked where do we stand then we don't have another lump sum to get him to start his business again which would be more logical so he can again be independent and then support his other kids.

Ive had this issue before marriage I honestly had a chat to my husband even before then and have stated my concerns and he said we will fix it- I supported him throughout this whole thing but I feel like my patience and also my emotions are running thin. It may be that he was brought up this way but I believe that culture you can pick and choose to do things to make life easier on us. I feel very lost as I don't know what I'm doing in my life anymore-I love this guy but I feel very hurt by his actions. I support him by looking after his parents but also think as a married couple we need to focus on us and think about our future- children. I don't want to divorce as I feel I don't think I could do this again and don't want to think I've wasted years of my life and have to restart again- this will be hard if not impossible after all the emotional stress that I have gone through.

I would like to add I also work- I do pay for food as he is unable to after supporting his family. I have a chronic health issue and when deciding to become pregnant I could end up having worse health problems or it may be that I can't work- my concern is if I'm paying for food now and can't work how would we then go about having a baby- I feel worried that we will unable to have kids due to financial instability because of supporting his family. I am at my last straw and have spoken to his father about all this very respectfully and all I got back from his is please give us more time and your issues are not big. I feel like unless my husband changes his mindset and sees that we should be prioritizing things a bit more on us to form a family this marriage won't work out- in the meantime to use that $10000 to set up his dad's business again and less financial worry.

I ask Allah to help me as I feel very lost and confused but mostly upset- I just can't stop crying because the guy I married was meant to be my support system but I'm feeling more alone than ever in this marriage and I feel my overall health is slowly deteriorating due to the emotional impact it's had on me. As much as I love him I also am feeling a lot of resentment towards him for putting me through so much pain.


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7 Responses »

  1. Aselamu Aleykum Sis,

    sister, if you wanna be happy support your husband, Please don't nag him every now and then about "supporting his family". Why do you think is you guys aren't happy? because you are not helping your husband rather you are giving him more tension. Please, if you have Tawakul in Allah just support him, You don't know what will happen to your family (parents and siblings) or your children in the future so please be considerate. Think of his family like your own. Don't be irritated because he helps his family. You should be happy and grateful to Allah to have such a nice husband because you might have a child who takes after his dady (your husband). TRY TO THINK POSITIVE
    May Allah bless him more and May Allah give you sebr Ameeeeeeeeen

  2. Assalamu'alaikum sister,

    It seems to me that your in laws have become reliant upon your husband, and have become lazy in earning their own income. Yes its your husbands obligation to support his parents, but not his siblings.
    When i was married to my ex husband, his family lived in pakistan, his father was a lawyer, his brother was a lawyer, and his youngest brother was a bank manager, alhamdullilah they had everything, but still his parents demanded that my husband send them money every month, around £600-£750. We were bith working full time, and at the end of the month we could barely pay the rent and bills, even to the point where we had to eat toast for 3 days.
    When i fell pregnant, i thought things would change, but my father in law rang me and said "dont give up on your job, you can go back to work after you've had the baby". I was mortified, his own daughter who was married was living a life of luxury, and here i was slaving day and night just to send them my earnings. And the worst thing was that my ex husband didnt care.
    We should only rely on Allah for sustenance and provisions, but at the same time Allah has given us common sense, everyone should strive to earn their rizq, and it seems that your in laws are just relying upon you.
    You must take a stand for yourself sister, even though you love your husband, sometimes you have to use tough love.
    Maybe just send enough money for his parents, and the siblings should earn their own. I dont know how your husband is, maybe he might change after he becomes a father and realises the responsibility on him.

    Ma salaam

  3. Just do whatever you like.

  4. Salam Del88,

    You and your husband need to have a talk about finances and where you see this relationship going. The issue isn't necessarily that he's sending this money but that that's not where you are religiously and it seems neither is he. He needs to divide up money between your maintenance, his maintenance, the future of your family, and then how much he wants to give to his extended family. The other issue is that his parents don't have a concept of how much money he is making and what his costs are. They compare his life to theirs and theirs is near poverty so in their mind, relatively speaking, he is rich.

    On the plus side, once his sister is married that's one less person he is probably going to support and as time goes on I would expect his parents to pass away and his burden to decrease. But in the meantime, you two need to write down exactly what the financial plan is and it can't include your income. Salam.

    • Selam M,

      """""I would expect his parents to pass away and his burden to decrease.""""" What is this? Do you have any info about when will you leave this world? Nobody knows who will die first.

      May Allah forgive us all, Ameen

      • Salam Hy,

        If she passes away first then this situation will get resolved. If she does not pass away first then her situation will also get resolved. My point is that this trial is limited and will not last forever, even thought that's what it feels like right now. I hope she sees that before giving up on this marriage completely. Salam.

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