I am confused as he says; he loves me yet doesn’t want to dissolve his marriage.
Salaams all,
With confusion and bottling my feelings inside; this is really eating me up inside! Last year I was introduced to a boy as we were both in a stage of looking for marriage. Whilst I got to know him we both developed feelings for each other and wanting to marry one another. However, things started to become complicated as he assumed I had many male friends. He wanted me to get off facebook, delete all my male contacts and be committed to him. Having said that I agreed, but I had another male friend who also liked me more than a friend. So, after ramzaan last year I met him and told him I can no longer be his friend as I have met someone I wish to marry. And my friend was happy for me and we both decided to end the friendship in good terms. I didn't tell my other half I went to see him as he would not allow this and as my friend was a dear and respectable person I thought I owe him and tell him face to face.
After a month he was going to come and propose but found pit from another person I was having an affair and cannot be trusted because I was seen with my male friend having a bite to eat when truly my main purpose was to tell him the end of our friendship and my future ahead. So, when my other half found out he was fuming and said I could not be trusted. He then looked at another proposal his parents arranged for him and told me he was still in love with me. Thereafter, our relationship was going downhill and after a month of our mending of relationship I heard he is marrying another girl! He did his nikah in may 2011 because he assumed she is a good girl, listens to him and a presentable wife. However, now he is regretting his decision and his big day of marriage is next year! He calls me and tells me he loves me and made a hasty decision out of confusion!
I have seen proposals and I have refused them all as I am still in love with him. I don't want to marry another person as I don't want to ruin their life. Now we have both decided to give his marriage a try and if he feels he cannot go forward then I told him you need to agree on ending the marriage together. He tells me he doesn't love her and he can't break the marriage because she hasn't done anything to him, which I understand is fair and he tells me he wants me everyday yet they are just words to me now! I have stopped all contact with him and my feelings for him just don't go at all! I pray to Allah everyday and started praying salah, reading kitabs and being a well behaved Muslimah. I always make duaa to Allah if he is for me then let him be, if he is not then let me find my happiness. It's been 8 months and I can't forget him; I am under constant pressure from my family to marry and I am not in the right mind too. I feel so trapped and so confused I don't know what to do, please help!
anonymous786.
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Salaams,
First off let me say that if he had a nikah this past May, he is already married....even if he is having a more formal ceremony later. The nikah is what makes the marriage, not the party. With that being said, what you are essentially doing is asking him to divorce his wife (which he apparently cares about on some level to have married her at all) just to marry you. That is an unreasonable request. If you (and he and his current wife) are agreeable to being his second wife, this would be the best option to look toward as far as being with him in marriage would be concerned.
Honestly though, I can't blame him for not dealing with you after your public lunch with your "friend". Even if you weren't doing anything sexual or provacative with him, to be in public with him in person without a need for it was wrong of you. You shouldn't have been having "male friends" on facebook/online or in any other capacity, and this is the precise reason why: it gives the appearance of immodesty or immorality- even for those who are not doing anything intimate. His reaction was to be expected after that you made the decision to tell your friend you were getting married in person (which, by the way, was not something you "owed" to him. You owe it to yourself more to conduct yourself properly to avoid having to answer for your actions.)
Because of what happened, he may have a hard time trusting you to even take you as a second wife. It sounds like the two of your are still mixed up emotionally because of your past dealings with each other. I suggest you let him focus completely on his current wife, and tell him to avoid contacting you unless he is ready to take you as the second wife. Otherwise, there is no point in the two of you talking or having any sort of dealings with each other, and you should start focusing on finding another man to love and marry.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I have to rush off but I have one quick yet serious advice for you to practice:
Put yourself in his wife's shoes. What if you were her...then what would you think of this whole thing?
Lets give more and take less.
Was salaam
AA;
Who cares if he is feeling good or bad about the other wife!!!!! He is going ahead with his life and so should you!!!!!
But MAINLY; stop talking to him. You are a woman and he is a man and you two have no reasons to talk to each other. It only makes it worse. He has to decide if he wants to marry her or you, not marry her, sleep with, then if he does not like it, he gets back to you!!!! Specially with women, once she done it once you know her entiore life will be different. Please do nto lead him to anything, do nto promise him anything, don't deal wiht him. Just cut all relationship wiht him and focus on your life. Do more for the mosque, community, get yourself busy wiht somehting!!!!
AA
Asalamu alikum wr wb
Sister, i can greately relate to you here as i have been through pretty much the exact same experience except for my guy wasnt married, it was cultural differences that caused hinderance in our relationship. At the heat of the moment you think you cannot forget him because of the love you feel in your heart but trust me when you ask Allah for something he will GIVE it to you surely! I thought i will never be able to get over him but when i took the hardest decision of completely submitting and putting my trust in Allah, i recieved his help!
If you want to get over him the first and Uttermost important thing to do is to COMPLETELY cut contact with him. i am telling you this from experience, the reason you are still hung onto him despite all these months is because you have still not completely cut off him which is why his little daily texts or messages keeps ur memory fresh and doesnt let u move on...delete his number, block him on facebook/msn other networks and tell him never to call/contact you and if he still doesn't stop then change your number! Once you've accomplished this only THEN will u be able to move on..time is the best healer in itself and with seeking Allah's guidance he will show u miraculous ways you could not even imagine yourself. Pray for him to give you something better. Here is a story that may give you the strength to put your faith in Allah God Willing:
'Abu Salamah fought along with the Prophet (pbuh) in the Battles of Badr and Uhud. In the latter battle he was badly wounded, which proved fatal to him. While Abu Salamah was being treated for his wound he told his wife: "I have heard the Prophet say: "If anything bad happens to anyone, and he prays: 0 Allah I accept this misfortune for your rewards. 0 Allah give me something better than I have lost, he will be given a better substitute for his loss."
Upon the death of her husband, Umm Salamah remembered the above words of the Prophet (pbuh), conveyed to her by Abu Salamah. She said: "0 Allah I accept this loss for your rewards." She hesitated in completing the second half of the prayer, thinking "Who could be better for me than Abu Salamah?" However, she finished the prayer anyway. Allah Taala then rewarded Umm Salamah by giving her a better husband than Abu Salamah. She became a wife of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), hence, a mother to all the believers in Islam...' : )
Say this dua..."0 Allah I accept this misfortune for your rewards. 0 Allah give me something better than I have lost, he will be given a better substitute for his loss."
This dua worked miracles on me and inshaAllah it will help u move on as well 🙂 just keep your faith in Allah, make tauba and strive to become a better muslimah..
I pray Allah helps you
Wasalam
AA;
Sorry if I was harsh in my previous post. But I think it bothers me (and I do it myself sometimes too, I am no better than any one here) when we keep hanging to the past.
We live our lives for Allah and Allah only. He created us for one reason: to worship him. And everything else we do we do for him. We do good because he ordered us to and we stop or do not do bad because he ordered us too.
With that said sister, just let it go. Open your heart and mind to life and inshallah you will see others. What if they get pregnant while he is trying? R you ok with him divorcing her then? As he said, she did not do anything wrong! Would you like that to happen to you? Again life is not all about our pleasures, but we live it for the sake of Allah.
I hope that helps. I pray to Allah to brighten your life, take away your pain, grant you patience, and direct you in the right path.
And again, I apologize if I was harsh before
AA