In love but problems with society; how to convince his mother?
Assalamualikum
today im here to discuss about my life actually im in love with one boy actually at first i wasnt interested him since hes quite young as of my age but my only wish his mom agrees as its very difficult for a mother to accept this pls guide all viewers for my questions. i m 24 years old who has gone thru two divorces and this boy is unmarried. i wanted him to go away from me thatsy i told about my two divorce so he leaves me and go but to my surprise he accepted me and asked my proposal to my mom. my mom m or my family was not very keen on unmarried proposals but after seeing this guy as compared to my both ex this is far better.
his y wish was not. disclose about my divorces at his mom but we never agreed i dont wanna start my life with a lie but some how as we know we live in a society where things cant be a secret for a long tym. someone told abt my divorce to his cousin.... so eventually he had to go and say to his mom... his mom declined they are saying no and also even his cousins but boy says for.him his family shud aay yes then.he can proceed.. i mean this boys nature is he doesn't get angry nor he speaks loud nor very harsh... now we have stopped to b in.touch coz of this situation... hes a very responsible business man in his home he takes care of his family ... now pls suggest Friends how can his mom agree for a divorced girl.. this guy ret so
ayshafatima999
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Assalamu'alaikum Aysha,
It is good to find a nice man for Nikah. May Allah Destine Him for you if he is good for your deen and dunya.
You can do nothing to make his parents agree. They must be having a problem because you are divorced TWICE. It is usually presumed in the society that a woman who is divorced has failed to save a relationship and can't have a good relationship with another man. I have heard people say this. But I do not agree, this is not always true. His parents must be having this mindset. Nothing can be done about it, my sister. If this man agrees to marry you against his family's consent, he is allowed in Islam to do so, but it is up to him to decide.
The best think you can do is perform Salatul Istikhaarah. This prayer does wonders and Allah makes things that are better you easier and He Gives you Barakah in them. Do it and in sha Allah you will find a solution. If he is not good for you then Allah Will Save you from him. It will be hurting but will be best for you. I pray that Allah opens the hearts of this man's parents, for them to accept you as their daughter in law.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
But I do not agree, this is not always true.
I disagree with you brother.His mother is only acting this way in order to protect his son.24 years and two divorces !! No mother wants his child to get into something which might result in difficulties and problems later on.
By the way,the percentage of getting a divorce increases in subsequent marriages.We must also keep that in mind.
This is why I said: "this is not always true".
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
" 24 years and twice divorce!! You make it sound like an abominal sin!!
See, this is the same problem i commented about yesterday. You people need to stop being judgemental about divorcees..." 24 and twice divorce " so what?? She doesn't deserve happiness and companionship? She should forget about seeking a halal relationship?
Do you know the circumtances surrounding each of her previous marraiges and what lead to each divorce? Do you know whether she was forced into each marriage? Before you jump into conclusion and judge somebody, work in their shoes first, know thier pains and reasons? Don't we believe as muslim that God tests us in different ways? So maybe this is God's way of testing her?
Plus, so long as one is alive, we never know what the future holds for us. Are you married? Astagfirlah but do you think you are immune to divorce despite your best efforts and intentions? If you are not married, do you know whether you wont be made to face the same tests as her??
It burns me, when people are quick to tag divorcees ( girls most especially) with all kinds inappropraite names and assumptions without knowing their life stories and experiences.
I am yet to see a girl who got married with the intention of divorcing somewhere down the line.
So if do not have anything nice to say, keep your harsh judgements to yourself please.
So what? 2 divorces is a huge deal, my friend. If it was a small matter, Allah would love divorces, right?
Anyway, no one has said she doesn't deserve companionship - we're just being realistic and telling her that it'll be hard for her to find that companionship in man who's never been married before - because, again, 2 divorces is a huge deal for most people, and it should be. Marriage is not a fun game, you know.
Most likely, this sister will probably have to find her companionship with someone who's divorced like her. Because they will both have bagage and come from families that are more open towards the idea of their child marrying a divorcee.
See, am sure the OP has gotten lots of judgements from the soceity she is living already. She came here for advices and a little more compassion.
I know we have to be realistis but the way we go about it also counts a lot. aaa sounded a bit too condescending for my liking and it should not be like that. When we are at our weakest point, we last need we need is condescension. It can make her go into depression or self-hate and make her feel worse than she was before coming to this site for advice.
Its not what we say but the way we say it.
Perhaps this is why her parents wanted her to look for a divorced man. It is not necessary that she marries a divorced man. She can marry this man she intends to marry.
At 24, she will only find a divorced man who is much older, instead of one who is similar to her age, though it is not a condition.
I think this is a problem with the society that looks at divorcees thus. I know in many cases this does mean the woman is not stable, but it need not be true always. Instead of saying "two divorces at 24 is too much" I think if we can offer a constrictive advise to maintain a good relationship with her new husband, that will be better.
She must already have faced a lot of negativity from the society. Even if she was wrong in her past, can we not give her some advise on how she can be better in the future?
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister, with all due respect, you have been divorced a lot in your VERY young life. I'm older than you and haven't even been married once. I'm really not coming from a place of judgement at all, I'm just trying to paint you a picture from which you might be able to understand this man's mother's decision.
Obviously I don't know what's happened in your marriages, but it can be very difficult for many people to understand how on earth a 24 year old person manages to go through 2 divorces - if it had been only one divorce, then it'd be easier to say, "well, maybe it was the man's fault" - but you have been divorced twice within a short period of time...that does kind of sends out bad vibes to most people. Quite frankly, I'd also not accept it if my son wanted to marry a woman who's 24 and has been divorced twice already. Because, sister, your too many divorces signal that you don't have the best judgement, or that maybe divorce comes easy to you.
From your post I gather that you're very rash in making marriage decisions; when one marriage ends, you jump straight to the next - and this kind of pattern just sets you up for more failed marriages, sister. You say yourself that you knew it's bad to start off a marriage on a lie (to his mother), yet, you didn't actually come clean with her until some cousin told on you, then you were forced to tell her. This, again, does not exactly put you in a good light with his mother, no one likes to be decieved. You need to accept that you have two divorces behind you and it therefore may be really hard to find someone who'll accept your bagage. But you need to be honest about your previous marriages, don't wait for men's random cousins to find out about them and treat you like you've hidden some dirty secret. You haven't as such done anything wrong, really- But as I mentioned, it is worrying for most mothers to be faced with such a young woman with so many divorces behind her...
asalamu alaikum,
when a woman has been divorced its hard for them to remarry in this time and society. sadly a divorce becomes a stigma. in your case it might be hard for you. the most common reason why his mom wont accept you is because you are gonna be gossip of the town, shame etc. the only thing you can do is tell the boy to explain to his mother that shame, pride etc plays no role in Islam.
if she still refuses its best you go your separate ways.
but i want to say, if his character and deen are not in check i suggest its best not to marry him. those are the criteria you look for when you seeking a man for marriage.
ma salama
Salaam sister,
I'm sorry about the problems you're having. We all want that perfect life with husband and kids, but just because someone else has it don't mean there life is perfect, everyone has problems but different kinds. I'm married now to my 2nd husband and to be honest it took me 5 years after my divorce. And it was totally arranged. And I only remarried because my parents being sick all the time. And all they did cry and get upset seeing me and my daughter. And I request that to make sure that the guy is divorced or widow with kids but I married a man who's been divorced twice thinking he will understand me better and to be honest its the biggest mistake of my life. I can't tell you to fall in love or not. But marriage is all about luck, Allah always has a better plan for us but as human we have to think too. My husband now has the same problem he don't think he rushes from one relationship to another. You're a woman we have to think with our brain not heart, all this love and things should be last on your mind. I'm not saying stay single for the rest of your life. But take some time for yourself and see where you were wrong it takes 2 people to make and only one to break it. If this guy's family already don't like you why would you want to be part of it. Plus look for someone who is older and wiser. And if you didn't do any wrong in your past marriages why be afraid for what?! Please sister bring Allah 1st in your life and have faith and he won't let you down 🙂
Good luck to you. If I was you I would stay far away from this boy, never start something when you can't finish
Salaam
Assalamoalaikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatahu
Sister I understand your situation. I was in your fiance's position too as I had to work hard to get my parents's consent to marry my wife who had two children from her previous marriage. My father was especially against it and my mum was more supportive of my decision.
Bit do not marry this man unless he has got the all clear from his mum. If you do that will only create mistrust between his mother and the both of you.
Have you tried sitting down and talking to her and explaining the reason for both of your divorces?
Its sad that people are judging the OP for her divorces. I know of a woman who got divorced twice in a short period of time. And she was a good woman who did not deserve what she got in life. Allah SWT tests those people whom he loves more.
I don't understand why people are so harsh with divorcees. Divorcees who have come out of terrible marriages deserve more love than anyone else.
My sentiments exactly..Some divorcees do not for one second deserve the divorces and stigma associated with it.
Why am i so passionate about this topic? Because its the story of my life. I am in my mid 20s and unfortunately twice divorced.
My first marriage was totally arranged. From the get go, i told my parents, my mom especially, that i was not interested in getting married to him as he was a complete mama's boy with no sense of maturity and responsibility, but we know moms, she kept telling me how he was from a good family and will change once he had a wife
I was too young to stand up for myself and i was also more scared of having a fallout with her, so i did what any obedient girl would do, i obeyed her hoping that since i did it just to please my mom, Allah will make it work for me . Lo and behold, 3months later, and despite the fact that we were living together in parents house, he started to become both verbally and physically abusive and she decided to end it right then and there!
My mom also forced me into my second marriage and that one too ended.
Now, am a lot stronger and wiser and now take full responsibility of my life. I no longer stay with my parents cus i cannot allow them to continue to be messing up my life. Inspite of everything, i hold no grudges against them cus they are my parents no matter what and i believe to have barakah in this world, one needs to lower the wings of humility to them. I love and respect them but i no longer allow them to make life choices for me. Cus at the end of the day, its my life and i alone feel the excrutiating pain of each divorce.
Then, i used to allow the stigma and condescension of the society as well as my exes get to me. I used to tell myself that i deserved all that has happened to me and was unworthy of being granted a spouse and offsprings who would be the coolness of my eyes. I hated myself, my self-esteem was rock bottom and i was depressed, despised and loathed myself. I lost incredible weight and went through each day like a zombie. At a point, i was even suicidal cus i felt my life was worthless and ddidnt have anything to live for
But Alhamdulliah, i grew closer to Alah SWT than ever before. I complained to Him and whilst everyone slept, i held conversations with Him and begged Him to relieve my pain and show me the way.
Now, i still get haunted by my past. But i think well of Allah and believe that no matter what everybody thinks of me, what HE thinks of me is what counts. He knows what is in my heart. He knows that although am not perfect, i feel can i say am a good person and shall one day make a good wife and mother. I know He's got my back and when the time is right, He will bless with a spouse and offspring who will be the coolness of my
eyes and heart.
The point being, bad things can happen to the best of us. So lets stop the stigmatising of female divorcees. Some might have a better than sounder heart than some who have never been married.
Allah knows best.
Sister ayshafatima999,
Married life is a fragile thing once it's broken we can't put them in same position but we can put it together as far as possible.
When relation come to divorce it's so painful to bear if you are innocent. It's not like I been to this situation my cousin did she got 3divorce in between 23-28 years life vary sad was her love marriage which didn't turn out good her luck was not good. She lost hope, trust, but didn't stop worship Allah for guidance. There were some proposal came were man were not married they knew she was 3times divorce but she never took interest because she fear that in future she needs to listen to people backbiting after all that after 2yrs finally by the help from Allah she got married again with divorce man and now she has a daughter and living happily finally. Her husband is 15yrs older then her and from previous relation he got son aged 11 who lives with them and consider my cousin as his mother and respect her like that.
Sister I told my cousin story not to let you down that unmarried man approached to you for married, I said because you are not only in this world who is divorced and passing hard time. You have right to marry this man but it's not only him you will have in life his family will be with him. And as in your post you said about his mother I am afraid that even if you both get married his mother won't be happy and will make problem between you too. I can tell that if you have fight or anything his mother will bring your past again and again and make you feel low.
Anyway,In my opinion I think it's better for you to do ishtikara and get Allah's guidance.