Help – Incest father refuses my marriage to Quran Teacher
Assalaam Alaykum
My name is Ayesha I have been Muslim now for a year and a half... Alhamdulillah... to fully understand my situation.. I need to tell you all my story.
I was born on November 4 1996 to my 15 year old mother and 17 year old father. Both were pagan. My.mother being so young she didnt know how to be a good wife.. So her and my dad would often fight. This lasted almost 2 years.. And they divorced not realizing my mom was prregnate with my sister.
After that I hardly seen my mother and dad went from girlfriend to girlfeiennd.. Most of them abused me. My ffather was hardly involved in my life.. I lived most of it alone and my grandparents helped raise me. When mu sister was almost a year old.. Dad got custady of her too. Time goes by and at 7 years old I am going to be a big sister of a baby brother.. With a woman thatt abuses me mentally.. Soon after my brother is born my great grandma May dies.. I became athiest. I was bullied in school.. I was hurt at home.. I never had a friend.
After a few years I got tired of my life.. At 10 years old I didnt care if I lived or died.. I didnt care about anyone or anything. I kept this up until I wanted.to get rid of my.brothers mother.. At this point I am homeschooled. I couldnt stand her anymore.. Just looking at her made me angry. Finally I got what I wanted.. She left.. Bit the drama continues. Ever since I was 10 my dad tries to get me to bed with him (yes.. Brs bed.. If you know what I mean) he became Muslim just a year before my.litttle brother was.born. I would refuse my fathers suggestuons of beinng intimate with him. I told him its not right. Hee would then leavee me alone for a while..
Then try again in a few months. When I was almost 15 I accepted Islam. A friend onlune taught it to me.. His name is Omar and I haven't talked to him since 3 days before I became Muslim. Aafter I became a Muslim.. Dad would almost constantly try to get me to bed with him.. I would make Duah to ask Allah to protect me from him. Alhamdulillah my father was never successful. 6 months aago I met a brother online that ttaught Arabic... I was nervous about it.. But I tried it. Soon I fell in love with yhe teacher.. And he asked me.to marry him. When my father found out.. He got very mad at me.
He started to spread lies... Saying things about this man tthat was not true. Even causing some.of his students to stop learning from him. My father then took away all internet access ( I sneak online with my phone) and refuses to let me try to talk with him about it. My father keeps insisting I "marry" my dad. I dont wish to because I know its Haraam. I want to marry my Quran teacher... Ever since my father took away my internet... I sneak online.. I sbeak ouy with my mother.. I even sneak.food because I am afraid my dad will hurt me if he catches me.
I still plan to marry my teacher (i call him Pakman) and Pakman knows my situation.
PrincessPalestinah.
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ASA ayesha,
sister before you marry and before you enter into marriage i would suggest counseling. All of the traumatic things you have been through you can carry that into your new marriage if you dont seek some help..Incest i would say does happen between families even muslim ones in muslim countries and in the west. I have heard from personal friends that they have undergone such things.
Also your father cannot refuse to marry you to a practicing muslim for frivolous reason..if he does outside of the context of religion then i would suggest to get a wali outside of your family and in your local masjid you can trust. Also, just because a man is muslim doesnt make him innocent to not deceive, lie, or use you.Be cautious! People leave the fold of islaam to do harm and dont have a second thought of it.Guard yourself, your heart and before moving into a marriage fix your emotional issues FIRST! ALOT of times women tend to try to find a "surrogate father" in the arms of a love interest to make up for the lack of father they had in their child years. i wish you the best.
ayat
Wa Alaikum as Salam sister Ayesha,
May Allah Help you against the evil intentions of your father.
This is really dangerous. Your father, who is supposed to be your protector happens to attempt the unimaginable. Astaghfirullah!
Sister, you are young and when making decisions such as marriage, you must be careful. This Arabic teacher you mentioned, do you know him? Have you seen him? It could be a fake person, too. People on the Internet can rarely be trusted. I do not say he is wrong or you should not marry him, but I suggest you to do a background check of this man first. Get to know his family, talk to his sisters, mother, etc. and find out how good he is and whether he practices Islam or he does not.
You do not want to spend life with a man who is incompatible with you or who is not good to you. You want a man who will protect you and will try and keep you away from evil and will love you.
Sister, do not make a hasty decision. You must protect yourself against the evil of your father and ask him to fear Allah. Marrying one's own daughter? Do not just say no, but tell him that he must fear the standing before his Lord on the Final Day, before even thinking about such incest.
If you are sure about the man you want to marry, you can ask a local Imam to act as your Wali and perform a Nikah with the man in presence of two witnesses and with exchange of Mahr. May Allah Give you Barakah and keep you happy, whatever decision you make.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
Personally I would advise you to remove yourself from your father's home immediately. It would be even better to report him to the police for attempting to molest you or asking you to be sexual with him. Staying with another relative or friend whom you trust or even a shelter is safer for you at this point.
You never mentioned anything about your father being Muslim; only that he and your mother were pagan when they married. You never said he converted to Islam after that, so I am assuming he is still not a Muslim man. He cannot represent your interests in marriage if that's the case, and you are under no obligation to follow his directives if he is not a Muslim on the issues of marriage.
Besides that, per the birthdate you gave you haven't yet turned 17. Sister, I feel you are too young to be considering marriage until you have worked out some of your personal history of abuse and trauma. Without working it out before marriage, it will affect your marriage even if you marry the best guy in the world. You need to come into marriage as healthy and whole as you possibly can, and right now you are still very vulnerable.
I think the most important issue here is the fact that your father is threatening to sexually abuse you and you are still a minor. You need to involve the authorities and let them help you find a safer place to be, then you can start working on your past and future in shaa Allah. Please take this seriously and reach out for help as soon as possible.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
thank u all for ur responses...
Ayat i have known this man for about 4 months... i looked heavily into him... i have talked to his frinds, students,, and family. All think we r perfect for eachother. alhamdulillah
Abu
Alhamdulillah without the help and support of Pakman i would have maybe killed myself. he has helped me get back on track as far as faith goes. alhamdulillah
Amy
My father converted 9-10 years ago and i cant tell authoritties... it will hurt my sister aand brother to seee my dad go to jail
Salaams,
Safety and what's right is more important than hurt feelings at this point. To me the fact that your siblings might be hurt is not enough reason to continue to jeopardize your own (and perhaps theirs, if they are in the home too) safety and wellbeing any further.
Sometimes people need harsh things like jail or punishment in this life to become the people they need to be, and to save their lives for the hereafter. Would you rather have your father get away with this now in this life, but spend the next life in flames?
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister, I think you are wayy to young to even think about marriage you need to rethink about this because marriage is a big step is not easy as you think. And I think if you have any friends/ relatives you need to go live with because your dad is crazy how do you live with since a devil he is so mean I feel so bad for you. I wish you all the best insallah.
Little Sister,
With respect to your father--you need to get away from him as it has already been mentioned--this is very serious.
As for the man wanting to marry you, I don't understand why this teacher teaching you online (knowing that you are 15) wants to now marry you. Sister, I have seen cases like this as it has been a growing trend where some men teach Quran online and unfortunately use this method to start to talk to women/girls. Let me share something that happened with my own children--normally when learning online, there is a way to share screens so that we can see the teachers screen and follow along reading the Arabic. After the class is over, the screen sharing is turned off by the teacher. One time, after my children's class was over, they left to play and I was delayed in doing some work and came back to switch off my screen to find that the teacher's screen was still being shared as the teacher forgot to switch it off. I could see everything that they were doing and sadly, they were viewing inappropriate sexual material--I am so grateful that my little kids didn't see this. Needless to say, my children no longer learn from this teacher anymore.
You are 15, you are naive whether you know it or not. There is no need to rush into marriage. Complete your studies, learn Quran from a female teacher which is very very possible. Stop this interaction with this male teacher because it is Haram. Even from a professional perspective, a teacher shouldn't even be approaching their current student in a romantic way--in most places, this is illegal. Please listen to the advice here as you have asked for it--do not argue around it or try to justify it because, as I already said, you are young and naive.
May Allah protect you and your siblings, Ameen!
Astagfirullah!!!! Really sister saba ?!!! Im shocked!!!
Your advice is very sensible and is worth consideration.
Thank u all again for your responses... may ALLAH reward u all i have taken all of your comments to consideration... i have prayed on them... i will try my best insha Allah to take the best (and most common) advice.
Amy
I dont think my father will learn anything from being put in jail... also he has plans to become married now... and this Muslimah he is marrying needs help. big time.
MuslimGirl
with all do respects... i have raised myself and my siblings starting at 8 years oold.. i i need a man for support... and there is a lack of Ummah where i live. I have no friendss except those i meet online. i need to become married.
Saba
thank u for ur concerns... but when it comes to my age i am 16 almost 17. i am well aware of the risks and dangers... also i have access to all of his facebookss... gmails... everything. i know/talk to his friends and family... all love him and say hes a wonderful man.
If I knew the Muslimah he is marrying, I would have warned her against going forward with a relationship with him.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister
I am not sure why you asked for advice if you knew what to do. Sister, you are 16--you do not know a lot at that age and again a teacher shouldn't take advantage of a student when they are in a position of authority.
The funny thing about being fooled is that it first requires that you have trusted. In Islam, a girl needs a wali--you are not above this matter how much you know. So, maybe your father can't act in your favour due to his actions--but another person could act on your behalf--you shouldn't be talking one on one with this man (who teaches Quran and should know better) and should have advised you and should never started a relationship with you.
Anyways, I only gave advice because you asked for it--and I sincerely believe that you should listen to the people here. May Allah solve your difficult matters. Ameen.
Assalaamualaikam
Sister, I am so sorry to hear what you are enduring. Please try to remember that Allah loves you - ask Him for help and protection.
With regards your father, it is extremely important that you alert the authorities to his behaviour and the abuse you have suffered. This goes beyond hurt feelings and lessons being learned - you need to also protect others from harm. Who can say whether he has harmed or will harm other young people, astaghfirullah?
Depending on where you live, you may be able to alert the authorities without having to personally confront your father - you can speak to police by going to a local station or calling them from a private phone, can contact social services either directly over the phone or by going to the local council offices, or you could go to your doctor/GP and tell them (they can then alert the appropriate people). There are lots of options on how to approach the situation.
As you say, you are 16 almost 17. In some countries that is considered young, but in some you would be considered adult. Adulthood comes with a whole new set of responsibilities, and one of those is to act when we see the potential for harm. As one sister to another, I strongly advise you to act to protect vulnerable children from a potential predator.
Midnight moon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Salam alaykom sister
I was raised in an abusive home. My father and mother both abused us children, but my mother didn't really start doing it until after our father died (he died from cancer when I was 9). We used to hide in the wardrobe when our mother would get angry, because she would beat us so badly. She was damaged from her own childhood, and her encounter with abusive men (among them my eldest sister's father (who was a pedophile), and my own father). She didn't know better, mentally unstable and all.
Myself, I grew up to develope a personality disorder and OCD because of this, among other problems. I wanted nothing more than a man who loved me and took care of me. I think this stems from the fact that I really didn't have much love as a child, no loveable father or mother. I think the same applikes to you.
I married at 16. Mentally unstable, but thinking I kew it all. I am still married but we have daily fights and arguments. Both physical and verbal. I shouldn't have gotten married that young, because I didn't see things clearly, although I thought I did, at the time. I was too damaged and too naive, that I thought love would solve it all. It doesn't. Please take these brother's and sister's advice, don't marry this young. You may think you're mature but you really aren't. Not quite, not based on what you've gone through. You need to sort all of these things out, with a counsellor. The mental damage you've endured during your childhood and adolescence won't just go away when you marry a man. It will affect you and perhaps ruin your marriage.
Abu
i will warn this woman as soon as i can... she has two kids and JUSTT left a bad marriage... i will tell her soon insha Allah.
Saba
i do not know the answers except by what u all have told me. i am worried that i will have no one i can Islamically talk to. i live in the state of Indiana in the USA.. the ummah here is literally JUST my family. the closest mosque is 15 miles away. i only have Kufar friends... none of them i can talk to about this issue. Ppak-man is all i have.... i love his family.. friends... and job. i will ask him to wait until i am bit older... maybe 17 or 18... insha Allah. i am trying right now to emencipate my family... meaning i get all privalegess of an 18 year oold at 16.. i just got a job... alhamdulillah. so Insha Allah i can get that done
thesecret
i am so saddened by your story... innsha Allah i will wait until i am mentally capable of of getting married.
thank u all so much for your advise and help... jazak Allah Khair... if any sisters would like to chat contact my gmail...
Salaams,
If you are able to get emancipated from your family it may be possible for you to move to a different location once you save a little money. You are going to have to struggle a bit to get established, but it's worth it. It's vital that you get connected to a Muslim community outside of your family to get the support you need, as well as to gain experience about life and the deen. Since you live in the US, you are not limited to living in a certain place or putting up with the current circumstances. There are lots of opportunities for you to grow and heal if you are willing to take the worthwhile risks to progress.
For one, contacting your local department of family/children services or DHS once you are on your own can help you apply for food stamps, medicaid, and they can refer you to other helpful resources. However I still believe your father needs to be reported. Men who want to be with their own biological children are NOT normal men and are truly a risk to society. This is not something that just happens as a fluke incident and goes away on it's own; it's a sickness that requires strict monitoring and extensive therapy if there is any hope at all for recovery.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Ayesha,
I hope you are well and hope that find guidance in your tough journey, inshaAllah.
Firstly, please stop saying that Pakman is the only person that you have. Islam is a way of life and no one knows your circumstances better than Allah swt--in fact, it is ONLY Allah that we have and He alone is sufficient for us--but we are mistaken to think that some hero will come and save us when He has given us the means to protect ourselves.
I don't know that man, but as I said before a teacher wouldn't get romantically involved with a student OR if it was the case, he should have involved someone and kept distance from you. It only concerns me more to know that you have access to his fb, email and all that. If that is who you are going to marry - still you should have a Wali who will keep your interests above anything because what is ordained by Allah, truly has Hikmah in it. It is possible and you are only putting yourself at risk by having such a relationship with him--you mentioned that you are in USA--where is this teacher of yours? If he is overseas, I would only be MORE concerned because it could be that he has an agenda to get a green card eventually. Please take heed and do not make any decisions out of haste. You yourself said that you need to get married because you need a man to take care of you--so by your words--you are vulnerable and do not let any man take advantage of you by saying some sweet words. Just because he shows you friends and family that are kind to you doesn't mean there isnt some other agenda--when you want to trap someone, you are kind to them, not mean.
I am not saying that you should reject him, but take the Islamic steps, not haram ones.
As Sister Amy already mentioned--your father needs help (should be reported) and you need to do the right thing.
May Allah protect you, Ameen.
Asalaam Alaykum,
This is Ayesha's / "PrincessPalestina" 's accused father...
While a number of you are quick to comment on a situation to which you have little or no knowledge, with a number of comment swift to convict me on a testimony of lies.
Surat Al-Ĥujurāt [49:6]
"O you who have believed, if there comes to you a disobedient one with information, investigate, lest you harm a people out of ignorance and become, over what you have done, regretful." - Sahih Int.
Allahi, this young lady is not telling you the full truth.
Yes, things like her birth date is truth, her sneaking online is obviously truth, as well as the fact I had denied her permission to marry this so called Pakistani brother. But her accusations, her claims.... Brothers and sisters, remember we have something called Sharia for just such matters. Yet a number of you wish to give her more confidence and suggest to her to conspire with the kuffareen against me? Authubillah.
Don't be so quick to apply false accusations against me. Fear Allah (swt)
What you don't know is she has been conspiring with the kuffar, which I believe that she is not lying about herself, her mother. Allahi, What she did not tell you was that her mother has been gone for years, never once taken me to court to arrange visitation (until recently). Always wanting to play the "good mommy" card but never willing to make an attempt to show it. Someone gave her Android phone so she could sneak on the Internet. When her brother told on her for having it, she straight faced lied to me over and over, and even had the gull to try and place the blame on her baby brother. Authubillah.
Speaking of her "habibty Mustafa"...
Instead of telling people I am simply "lying" Ayesha, how about telling them the truth why I denied you permission to marry. Tell them how I caught you sneaking around with him. Tell them how you locked the Android phone I originally let you use so I would not find out. Tell them of how you lied about sending him a not-so-important file, yet after logging into your Skype, I discovered it all was something totally else. Forget the warnings from other brothers and sisters that I had heard, because I do not base my decisions upon here-say and gossip. Alhamduillah. It was for THAT REASON I denied you the right to marry, because you initiated this attempt to marry in secret and in sin.
You and I was just fine and so close up until this fellow entered the picture. Before your little "love note" I confiscated, confessing your love, saying (and I quote), "I won't give up on us getting married. Only Allah and you can stop my ambitions, my dreams are to become your bride." Are you going to straight face lie to these poor deceived brothers and sisters and say I am lying about offering to introduce you to some good brothers from the masjid? Authubillah.
May Allah (swt) protect me from your deviance and your evil. ameeen
I am appalled by how easy it is for you to lie so easily to protect your own interests. I knew you as a liar, but I am so shocked you would go this far. You fail to realize that lying is amongst the greatest sins of Islam, and you have absolutely no reason to lie to these brothers and sisters. Authubillah. You know this. I have taught you better. Why don't you put this proclaimed brother "Pakman" aside and start learning your deen. You seriously need to FEAR ALLAH (swt). subhan'Allah
I wonder.... Do you even have the gull to swear by Allah (swt) that everything here you have said here is truth? Please don't. Despite the evil you have brought forward, the excess of sin you have committed here and abroad, I would HATE for you to fail in this life, and the hereafter. Authubillah
Brothers and sisters, I wish to remind you again of Surat Al-Ĥujurāt [49:6], and you have no clue just how much damage you have done. Your "advise" seems to led her to believe that if she can lie to you and get you to believe her, that she can lie to the local authorities. Currently her little brother is with his mother. (You know the one she claimed to once had abused her so badly?) And also kuffar. The woman to whom I was supposed to marry? She is a REAL rape victim. One who was really attacked by her father. Our marriage has been postponed due to this incident. Thanks partially to you all for giving her the confidence to continue her "ambitions" (as stated in her love letter to her online haraam boyfriend).
So what is her motive?
She wants so badly to be with this "Pakman", that she is willing to do anything and everything to make it happen. You see, I have FULL CUSTODY of my children. The mother has no legal rights to them. She is currently 16, therefore in the state of Indiana she would need my signature to be married and emancipated. That wasn't going to happen, and I speculate, that she devised a plan in attempt to remove my legal authority, thus returning custody to the kuffar mother, to whom is probably willing to sign her emancipation. Allahu alim
[Admins - please to do not delete this post, and lock it. in'sha Allah. As your brother in Islam, I need this as evidence to support my case. in'sha Allah.]
Please brothers and sisters, be more careful what you say, as it could play part in the destruction of lives. Authubillah
Asalaam Alaykum
Salaams,
Accused Father, we don't find it practical or prudent to check everyone's story to make sure they are telling the truth. This is a forum to give general family/marriage advice, so we take everyone at their word without suspicion when they write in their problems, and try to advise them with our best wisdom and Islamic understanding. If someone is not being fully honest, they are only cheating themselves and jeopardizing their favor with Allah, and there is nothing we can do about that.
If you feel you are being unjustly accused and lied about, it's understandable that you would feel dismayed and want to set the record straight. However, I'm sure you understand that in real life, childhood sexual abuse and molestation is a real concern and the victims do need to be helped to safety. Since you live in the US, I'm sure you understand that teachers and doctors and counselors are required by law to report any indications of abuse, whether it ends up being a false allegation or not. These individuals are not required themselves to determine if a truth is being told, only to manage the situation in the safest way possible. This website is not under any legal obligation to report what is received in posts, but we will advise anyone who is claiming to be abused to get into a safe situation and report any crimes to the authorities. Surely you don't fault us for giving general advice in such a manner when we have no information to go on other than what's told to us. As it happens, at times other readers who are being abused find courage to escape their situation by reading advice we give, Alhamdulillah.
If it's possible to put your emotions aside for the moment, please consider the facts as they stand: even though your daughter was advised to report a sexually abusive father or potential pedophile, she was reluctant to do so. She said plainly that this was not something she wanted to do.
Secondly, everyone who responded to this girl's post agreed that she should not consider marrying Pakman, or anyone else for that matter. No one supported her in this wish, so you can rest assured that we advised her with the same concern for her wellbeing that any caring person would.
One thing that you and all others who have read this post will agree on is that Ayesha needs to resolve whatever issues she has going on before forging out into the adult world. There seems to be a lot of hurt and damage there -which you also seemed to allude to as well- and many have urged her to get help and support before making any big decisions.
So in that I hope you can see that no one was trying to falsely accuse or lambast anyone wrongly, but just try to help someone who came to us asking for help. We editors, and many of our other posters, feel that treating others with compassion wherever they are emotionally or circumstantially is often the first step in the path of healing and positive change.
I am not going to judge which of you are telling the truth. I don't need to know the truth, and Allah is the best disposer of affairs. However I do pray that Allah heal the broken hearts involved, and put everyone on a path that leads to wholeness and obedience to Him above all.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Accused_Father,
Assalam alaikum,
I do not understand how any advice here has :
No one has told her to lie, but only given advice based on her statement. If her statements are false, she will have to answer for that. If yours are false, you will have to answer for that. If ours are false, then we will have to answer for them.
But sir, one thing, you had a choice in who was the mother of your children and you yourself have called her: "kuffar mother" and "to whom is probably willing to sign her emancipation"--if she is not Muslim, I assume, she may not have been the best influence on your children. It is best to sit and talk about a solution with your daughter because maybe, just maybe, your past decisions/choices have caught up to you.
All the best to you both, May Allah resolve your family problems. Ameen.
Wa Alaikum as Salam brother Accused Father,
Alhamdulillah our Iman on the Quran is firm and Alhamdulillah, we firmly believe that verifying the news before spreading it is a requirement in deen.
But it is practically impossible for us to verify what is posted on our website. Posters from among the general public from all over the world submit posts here and we just provide an advise based on what is mentioned. There is no possibility of listening to the other side of the story here. If anything mentioned in a post by the poster is false, we are in no way responsible for it and the advise we provide is based on that information.
Even the comment you have left, we can not verify if it is true or not - that is practically impossible. If you had posted your comment as a post, with no connection with your daughter's post, we would have assumed it to be truth because we can not verify it in any way. But for the fact that we know the story from both sides, we may say either of you is lying.
Remember one thing which I would like to tell you as your brother: we all have to return to Allah and answer Him for our deeds. If anything your daughter accused you of was true, then repent to Allah and have no grudge agaist Aishah for it. You are her father and her tarbiyyah is upon you, as she is in your custody. Be wise and do not vest your anger for what she has done, but be calm and advise her gently. Tell her what makes you do what you have done, assuming what you said was true. Be honest and fear Allah, and read this Aayah of the Qur'an:
(يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنْفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةٌ غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ لَا يَعْصُونَ اللَّهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا يُؤْمَرُونَ)
O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded. (Surah at Tahrim, Aayh 6)
and this hadith:
ﻛُﻠُّﻜُﻢْ ﺭَﺍﻉٍ ﻭَﻛُﻠُّﻜُﻢْ ﻣَﺴْﺌُﻮﻝٌ ﻋَﻦْ ﺭَﻋِﻴَّﺘِﻪِ ﻓَﺎﻟْﺈِﻣَﺎﻡُ ﺍﻟَّﺬِﻱ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺍﻟﻨَّﺎﺱِ ﺭَﺍﻉٍ ﻭَﻫُﻮَ ﻣَﺴْﺌُﻮﻝٌ ﻋَﻦْ ﺭَﻋِﻴَّﺘِﻪِ ﻭَﺍﻟﺮَّﺟُﻞُ ﺭَﺍﻉٍ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺃَﻫْﻞِ ﺑَﻴْﺘِﻪِ ﻭَﻫُﻮَ ﻣَﺴْﺌُﻮﻝٌ ﻋَﻦْ ﺭَﻋِﻴَّﺘِﻪِ ﻭَﺍﻟْﻤَﺮْﺃَﺓُ ﺭَﺍﻋِﻴَﺔٌ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺃَﻫْﻞِ ﺑَﻴْﺖِ ﺯَﻭْﺟِﻬَﺎ ﻭَﻭَﻟَﺪِﻩِ ﻭَﻫِﻲَ ﻣَﺴْﺌُﻮﻟَﺔٌ ﻋَﻨْﻬُﻢْ ﻭَﻋَﺒْﺪُ ﺍﻟﺮَّﺟُﻞِ ﺭَﺍﻉٍ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﻣَﺎﻝِ ﺳَﻴِّﺪِﻩِ ﻭَﻫُﻮَ ﻣَﺴْﺌُﻮﻝٌ ﻋَﻨْﻪُ ﺃَﻟَﺎ ﻓَﻜُﻠُّﻜُﻢْ ﺭَﺍﻉٍ ﻭَﻛُﻠُّﻜُﻢْ ﻣَﺴْﺌُﻮﻝٌ ﻋَﻦْ ﺭَﻋِﻴَّﺘِﻪ
Abdullah bin Umar reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of the people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects: a man is the guardian of his family and is responsible for his subjects, a woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and of his children and is responsible for them, and the slave of a man is a guardian of his master’s property and is responsible for it. Surely, everyone of you is a shepherd and responsible for his flock.” (Sahih al Bukhari)
You are Aishah's wali and have the right to protect her, but brother, what is Islmaically wrong and against Sharee'ah, please abstain from it.
Whatever the case, we just provide advise and do not make judgements. Allah Is The Best disposer of all affairs. May Allah eliminate the reason that has made either of you lie, and May He Forgive you both.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As'Salaaam Alaykum,
I am not a lair... if you want to think of me as such then fine. Dad... Allah knows best what happened between us. You know the truth just as much as I do. I love you... and I am sorry it has to be this way... but really... it had to. I needed help... I told the truth, I followed advice. I am not one to start trouble. I cant say how upset it makes me to get you in trouble. I needed to protect my sister and brother. They was both scared to death of you.... and still are. I love you dad... you are in my thoughts and my prayers. May Allah forgive you for your faults Ameen.
As far as the rest of you go thank you so much for your help. Ever since I called the police on my father, things have been pretty good. The only problems I have been having is finding homes for my animals. Al'hamdulillah. My sister and brother are both very happy. I haven't felt so peaceful in a long time. Everyone is happy to see me with my mom.. the only problem I have with her is that she's pegan. But Al'hamdu'Illah she is VERY supportive. Her husband makes a few jokes about it... but I play along and it became a bonding thing between us. We are all much happier...... most of the time. I still am upset about calling the cops on my dad. I really did NOT want to do it. I am glad I did though. Al'hamdu'Illah. Thank you all for your help... and may Allah reward you all .... Ameen. 🙂
Salaams sister,
I hope this postgets shown. I just want to say that as we have no evidence against your father we can't just believe what you said is the truth. However, saying that, we can't be suspicious either. Therefore. Islam encourages us to be good natured and honest. If you have suffered in any way may Allah all mighty make it easy for you. However, if there is no truth to your claims then may Allah help you and your father. Either way may Allah give us all hidaya.
In relation to the gentleman you wish to marry, my best advice would be, do your istikhara. There's nothing more better than seeking Allahs advice and counsel.
JazakAllah
RKat, what you say is true, but we are not a court of law. We tend to assume that the questioner is telling the truth, and advise accordingly. If someone is not honest with us, that's between him and Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam Brother
I perfectly understand that, hence why I said we [as in the readers] can't just believe what she says and can't deny it either.
🙂
I agree it's important we advise them based on what they say, hence why I suggested Salatul Istikhara.
JazakAllah
Asalaam alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa baracktu,
Please accept my dearest apologies my brothers and sisters. Up until my daughter meeting this Mustafa fellow, my daughter and I had a good relationship, and it pains me greatly to no end how far she has gone to satisfy her desires for a man she has never even met. I have been stricken with much grief and sadness, and had come off quite harshly. I am very sorry for that. I hope you accept my apology. in'sha Allah
As far as my daughter, I agree she needs help. For years I knew she had problems, but because of my distrust in doctors (especially non-Muslims), I never gave her the help she needed. I don't want to go too far into the details of her illness, but understand I have been aware of the problem for some time, just never thought she'd go this far.
I would appreciate it however, if you would assist me here. This entire problem is based around her desire to marry a man that I was never given the opportunity to speak to. A man who proposed to her in secret, a marriage proposal made and accepted without a wali. Me. In addition. When I asked what she was doing, she would tell me, "studying". She made it a point to lie to me. She lied to me up until I had her log into her Skype account and I discovered what it was she was really doing.
This "good brother" never tried to contact me once. If he was serious about a valid, proper marriage to my daughter, then he should have asked to speak to me. immediately. Never once was anything said to me, except after I discovered it on my own. I was wrong to let this man try and teach my daughter Qur'an. He was supposed to teach both my daughters, however in secret, much more was going on. Authubillah
Allahi, for that reason I have denied her marriage to this man. Yes, I was very hurt that she lied to me so diligently, however my own personal feelings aside. Any (so called) "good brother" will be refused marriage to any of my daughters when they are willing to engage in sinful and improper acts during the marriage process. Period. For someone my daughter claimed as being so knowledgeable, he should have known this. When I spoke to the brother on this matter, he told me, "He has a weakness for women".
I advised my daughters the dangers. I explained to her how many men have claimed something, and often turned out not to be. For a spell, she seemed to accept my answer, and my warnings. Little did I know that everything she was saying was more lies. And instead of trying to convince me that he was a good brother, instead she in turn was plotting against me. Going behind my back again, talking to this brother. Even going as far as swearing to Allah (swt) that she was not getting on the internet, and she did not have a phone. Authubillah
Now the plot thickens, and I wish to say something to her that probably won't stop her. I denied her marriage as her wali. As her wali, she can find another, but my right and answer still stands.
Allahu Alim
http://islamqa.info/en/ref/20213
She got married without her father’s approval
Question:
My sister married a man who is muslim but she married him against my Father's will. My Father is religios. He rejected that man because he has bad manners so my sister ran away and married without a Wali.
My question is : Is this Marraige Valid?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
You father did well by not agreeing to (your sister’s) marriage to that man who has bad manners. Allaah has put him in a position of trust with regard to his daughters and anyone who is under his care, so he has to make a good choice and find a husband who is suitable from the point of view of sharee’ah.
Your sister has done a number of wrong things, such as making a bad choice in choosing this man who has bad manners; running away from her father’s house; and – worst of all – getting married without a wali (guardian).
One of these bad deeds would be enough to understand the extent of the wrongs that she has done towards her Lord, herself and her family, so how about if they are combined?
With regard to the marriage, it is invalid, because the wali’s consent is one of the essential pillars of a valid marriage. This is what is indicated by the texts of the Qur’aan and Sunnah:
1 – Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“do not prevent them from marrying their (former) husbands”
[al-Baqarah 2:232]
2 – Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And give not (your daughters) in marriage to al-Mushrikoon (idolaters) till they believe (in Allaah Alone)”
[al-Baqarah 2:221]
3 – Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband)”
[al-Noor 24:32]
From these verses we may understand that the consent of the wali is an essential condition for marriage, because these verses are addressed to the wali concerning the marriage of the women under his care. If the matter was up to the woman, there would be no need to address the wali, especially in the case of the first verse quoted, as we shall explain below.
Part of the fiqh of Imam al-Bukhaari is that he quoted these verses in a chapter which he called Baab man qaala Laa nikaah illa bi wali (Chapter: the view of those who say that there is no (valid) marriage without a wali)’.
With regard to the Sunnah:
1 – It was narrated that Abu Moosa said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no (valid) marriage without a wali.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1101; Abu Dawood, 2085; Ibn Maajah, 1881. Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1/318).
2 – It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her wali, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid. If the marriage has been consummated then she is entitled to the mahr because she allowed the man to be intimate with her. If she does not have a wali then the ruler is the wali of one who does not have a wali.”
(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1102; Abu Dawood, 2083; Ibn Maajah, 1879. This hadeeth was classed as hasan by al-Tirmidhi and as saheeh by Ibn Hibbaan (9/384) and al-Haakim (2/183)).
So your sister has to repent and pray for forgiveness, and she has to go back to her father and ask him to forgive her. She should realize that her marriage is null and void, and so it is not permissible for her to stay with this man because he is not a legitimate husband for her. A new contract should be done in the presence of her wali, if he agrees to her staying with this man, after weighing up the evil of his bad manners versus the evil of her leaving him; or if he does not approve of her staying with him, then the marriage contract is automatically annulled, and this man should be obliged to divorce her so as to avoid any doubts and so that the matter will be final.
She should agree to the person whom her father chooses for her, and he has to look for someone person of religious commitment and good manners who fears Allaah who will take good care of his daughter.
And Allaah knows best.
islam-qa
http://islamqa.info/en/ref/20213