Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My convert wife is a chronic liar

liar heart

Is lying grounds for divorce?

I am married to a chronic liar who employs lying to extort money from me and sometimes when I give her money for a specific purpose she diverts it. We have two male children of one and three years old. She was a Christian before I converted her to Islam.

Her offence deserves a divorce no doubt.

She prays her salat when I am around but I cannot guarantee that she prays when I am out.

I did istikhara on three nights before I made up my mind to marry her and I married her purely bc of her conversion to Islam. I had no doubt about her intention to convert bc it was after she read some books about Islam and not by persuasion though I gave her the books.

My fear is that if I divorce her she may go back to Christianity with my two kids. Pls advise?


Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , ,

11 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikom brother

    First of all congratulations that Allah has guided somebody to his deen by you. if that is indeed better for you than the best wealth you could ever had.

    About the divorce thing, ii would say fear Allah brother, do not just jump to divorce so easily. This woman has given you her youth and her heart. Do some effort to get over this situation and solve any problems that may arise. Try to make it work, she might be the blessing that because whom Allah have more mercy on you. Also you have two kids with her, do you want your kids to start their life between two divorced parents. Have patience bother and it will pay off.

    I was wondering why she had to lie to you to get some money, as her husband she has a right on you to spend on her from what Allah has given you. maybe you need to revise that

    Try to have more communication with your wife, nobody is perfect. Tell her what you like and what you don't like in a civil way without anger / shouting or accusing manner. Pay attention to her emotional needs and never get tired of letting her know you love her. Make more time for you and her alone without the kids and revive the love again, even if you think you do not love her anymore, any effort you do in this marriage is rewarded greatly brother, remember that.

    Also please stop these doubts about her sincerity in Islam ... she will be very hurt if she knew these ungrounded thoughts.. even if she skips prayer, she needs some teaching and support not doubts and blames....unless you have a clear proof of it like she telling you i am not a Muslim or something... do not let Shytaan doubt your beloved sister in Islam and wife, and mother of your beautiful kids... I hope you make istighfar about that sin and refrain from doing it again ever.

    Maybe alsoo this a good time to ask yourself What have you added to her islam as a born muslim good husband? Have you thought of that?

    why not enroll her in an islamic center if you are not able to teach her yourself, after she is the one who help you raise your kids in an islamic way so she need that.

    Teach her, support her brother, and be very patient with her... she needs that from you,...
    not breaking up with her and breaking her heart and breaking the family the family.

    May Allah keep Shytaan away from you and our family and grant you happiness and contentment

    • Excellent advice. I wanted to write a comment just like this, but it's late and I'm tired. So thank you for your good thoughts.

      Wael Editor

    • in the Quraan Allah SWT tells us that wives could be a great source of blessing even if we do not realize that or are not very happy with them

      "and you should not treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the Mahr you have given them, unless they commit open illegal sexual intercourse. And live with them honorably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good." (Ayah 19 Sura 4)

    • Alaikum Salam, BarakaLahu feeka. I thank you so much for this brilliant advice and promise to abide by it. The truth is that I still love this woman greatly but when a wife derives so much confort in lying it is a serious matter. Lying about her background, family status, educational qualifications, money etc. it can really be difficult to cope with. I am not talking of small money but quite substantial amount sometimes about $10,000,$ 5000, and you eventually discover it is all lying. But as you rightly advised me I will be patient and wait on Allah in the hope that she will change. But it is really traumatic!

    • Baraka Lahu Feekum, the truth is that I still love this woman greatly. But when a woman cleverly indulged in obtaining under false pretense and lies about everything, including family background, educational qualifications, money and even small things it can really be traumatic. But as advised I will be patient and wait on Allah in the hope that she will change.

    • Baraka Lahu Feekum, I still love her and I just hope I am not deceiving myself because this woman lies about everything including obtaining money under false pretenses, educational qualification, family status e tc. I am not talking of small money but sometimes running up to $ 10,000 at a go. I, know it is not as simple as some of the commentators look at it in this forum bc I have lost a lot of money to her scam.

      • Salam brother,

        I think when you marry a new Muslim there is more of a risk in regards to Deen, although your wife may be a christian and legally remain married to you, its far from an ideal situation,

        do you mean to say she generally lies about most things when you say family status etc? Divorce should be the absolute final resort brother and not something that is brought up to address any marital problem although i do appreciate that what you have explained,

        i think you need to get to the bottom of whats really going on,what is she spending all this money on? are you allowing her an allowance so she does not feel it necessary to lie to obtain money, does your wife perhaps have an issue with how to handle finances?

        You say you love her and you have two further blessings in your children, it is worth fighting for this marriage, find out the reasoning behind your wifes behaviour so you can begin to address it and avoid suspicion in regards to the salat if there is no valid reason for you to believe she only practices in front of you.

        I you are able to work things out brother, all the best

        • Thank you Muslimah. I am trying to work on her hoping that Allah will guide her to drop her lying habit. The amount involved on each occasion is far higher than what a wife should deceiive her husband to collect after all I pay her reasonable monthly allowance and other emoluments. The issue here is a natural inclination to cheat on others through deception. I have discovered It is a kind of mental disease. I urge the Muslim community on this blog to pray Allah to remove the illness.

  2. Brother ,

    You need to have a cool talk with your wife and ignore some of her behavior .
    It is possible that you are highly suspicious for small reasons and just find out the reason why it is ?

  3. OP: I am married to a chronic liar who employs lying to extort money from me and sometimes when I give her money for a specific purpose she diverts it........She was a Christian before I converted her to Islam.........I had no doubt about her intention to convert bc it was after she read some books about Islam and not by persuasion though I gave her the books.

    She is not your slave. You need to give her money so that she can also buy things she like. If you give her enough money so she can buy what she wants she may not have to lie. She left her religion and family for you now you don't like her.

  4. Assalamu Alaikum,

    Firstly, I am no 'expert' on Islam, Atanda. But, I will give you my advice, nonetheless. You did not mention 'where' you lived. I, myself, live in Australia and it is my home as I was born here.

    Although I am not married - I converted to Islam around 7 months ago so my views will be from 'your wife's.'

    I took my Shahadah via Skype in front of a very dear friend in Jordan - I have never regretted that decision, even though my family don't know I have converted, and I prefer to keep it that way, for now, anyway.

    One thing I noticed with your 'post' is that you don't seem to 'trust' your wife when you are not at home, with regard to her praying. Why? She doesn't need to pray in front of you to 'prove' anything! How do you 'know' she doesn't pray when you're not at home? Please don't judge your wife by what you 'think' you know!! She is praying her Salat so what more do you want?

    As for having to 'lie' to you, to ask for money - it's not up to you what she spends it on!! Maybe buy her a small 'gift' now and then, to show her how much she is appreciated as a wife and the Mother of your two young sons? Take her out to dinner sometimes - get your family to baby sit the two boys.

    Does she know any other Muslim women in the area? She needs to get out I think a bit more and maybe take up a Hobby, or join women's Club.

    I'm assuming she doesn't work during the day? Which means some Mothers get 'housebound.' She is left alone every day to care for your 2 young sons - that can be very 'tiring' for a young Mother with no other 'outlet' of relief.

    You state "her offence deserves divorce, no doubt." What offence has she committed to start with?
    None, from what I see - or are you 'looking' for an excuse to divorce her?!

    You also state that 'you' converted her to Islam - was that for the marriage, or because she 'wanted' to?
    You forget, a Muslim can marry a Christian, without converting to Islam.

    One thing I have learned from Islam is that if you divorce, and she does go back to Christianity - the father always gets the children, as she would be no longer a Muslim, and waivers her 'rights,' as such.

    You also said that she would take 'YOUR' two kids!! Sorry, but you don't 'OWN' children!! Children are not a piece of 'property,' and besides, they have 2 parents, not one, despite divorce!!

    So, please 'think again' before making any harsh decisions about your wife. Show her she is very much 'loved' as a mother and as your wife................Maybe you don't 'talk' enough any more - communication is essential in a marriage.

    I have been alone for the past 12 years - divorced for 8 years. It is no easier for young children or older children if the parents divorce.

    My son was 19 and my daughter was 16 when I divorced. It was the first time I had ever seen my son cry when I divorced.............that broke my heart to see that!!

    I wish you both the very best for the future. Inshallah

Leave a Response

Cancel Reply