Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My violent father has trapped me in an arranged marriage

abuse violent physical beat

My father has been suffering from mental illness for years. He looks fine to people outside, but at home he beats up my mother, me and my sisters without any reason.

After we complained to our relatives, they took him to the hospital, but he refuses to take the medicines. This has been continuing for the last 9 years. He provides for our education and food, but he never shows us any love. He keeps on criticizing my mother and all that matters to him is money.

Now I am 23 and my father is looking for suitable boys for me. Someone from my college has proposed marriage for me to my father, but since he is not from a wealthy family my father declined it. The boy is a practicing Muslim and his family also loves me. My father has rejected the proposal, and now he has chosen someone wealthy for me.

Even though I don't like the guy I cant do anything, because he will beat my mother and me up. so I am afraid anything I will do will affect my mother. But I myself am in pain about my marriage, and I can't sleep due to the tension and stress.

I really want the guy from my college to marry me, but because of my father I have to obey whatever he says he wont ask for my opinion, and he forces everything upon me. Tell me what should I do?


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6 Responses »

  1. Its quite obvious what the solution is, its time you and your mother left this loser.

    If you can't do that for your own sake you can look forward to a possibly very unhappy life and for what?

    Your obligations as daughter and wife do not apply if he is violent towards you or tries to force you to marry someone whom you do not approve.

    You and your mother need to pack your bags, or better still, if possible, get him thrown out and arrested - that may be exactly what he needs.

    Do it before its too late.

    • I agree with above.

      You and your mother needs to separate. He will not change. He will get older and become worse. He doesn’t value you guys at all.

  2. Salaamu Alaikum, dear sister
    A'uthoo Bilahi minish shaytanir rajeem
    Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim
    Surah An-Nisaa, Ayat 75
    And what is[the matter] with you that you fight not in the cause of Allah and for the oppressed among men, women and children who say, '' Our Lord, take us out of this city of oppressive people and appoint for us from Yourself a protector and appoint for us from Yourself a helper.
    Dear sister, your mom, you and your sisters must leave, for your safety. This is a time to increase in prayers, du'as, dhikring and fasting. In shaa Allah, this will build a barrier, a shield of protection and give you the strength and courage to do what you must do. This is not breaking family ties, this is protecting you and your family. Allah says save yourself and your family. Allah sent help for your father year ago, He gave him chance after chance. Your father is under Allah's anger and displeasure. The brother is right you abd your family(mom sisters) must leave. This will be a protection for you all and hopefully help your father. Keep praying for your father. You and your family are in our prayers and du'as. In shaa Allah your grandfathers or uncles will have to be yours and your sisters wali, have them come to help if you don't have male relatives than your Imam and muslim brothers. May Allah guide, protect and strengthen your family. May He give you and your family the courage and strength you need and safely remove you all or remove your dad. Prophet Ibrahim(Alayhi Sallam) had to leave his father and his people after they tried to killi him. In order to protect himself, his family and followers. A companion during the time of the Prophet(Sallau Alayhi wa Sallam) had to leave his father to stay safe here is his story:

    [Salman Al-Farsi, may Allah be pleased with him, narrates]:

    I grew up in the town of Isfahan in Persia in the village of Jayyan. My father was the Dihqan or chief of the village. He was the richest person there and had the biggest house.

    Since I was a child my father loved me, more than he loved any other. As time went by his love for me became so strong and overpowering that he feared to lose me or have anything happen to me. So he kept me at home, a veritable prisoner, in the same way that young girls were kept.

    I became devoted to the Magian religion so much so that I attained the position of custodian of the fire which we worshipped. My duty was to see that the flames of the fire remained burning and that it did not go out for a single hour, day or night.

    Persia in the village of Jayyan. My father was the Dihqan or chief of the village. He was the richest person there and had the biggest house.

    Since I was a child my father loved me, more than he loved any other. As time went by his love for me became so strong and overpowering that he feared to lose me or have anything happen to me. So he kept me at home, a veritable prisoner, in the same way that young girls were kept.

    I became devoted to the Magian religion so much so that I attained the position of custodian of the fire which we worshipped. My duty was to see that the flames of the fire remained burning and that it did not go out for a single hour, day or night.

    My father had a vast estate which yielded an abundant supply of crops. He himself looked after the estate and the harvest. One day he was very busy with his duties as dihqan in the village and he said to me:

    “My son, as you see, I am too busy to go out to the estate now. Go and look after matters there for me today.”

    On my way to the estate, I passed a Christian church and the voices at prayer attracted my attention. I did not know anything about Christianity or about the followers of any other religion throughout the time my father kept me in the house away from people. When I heard the voices of the Christians I entered the church to see what they were doing.

    I was impressed by their manner of praying and felt drawn to their religion. “By God,” I said, “this is better than ours. I shall not leave them until the sun sets.”

    I asked and was told that the Christian religion originated in AshSham (Greater Syria). I did not go to my father’s estate that day and at night, I returned home. My father met me and asked what I had done. I told him about my meeting with the Christians and how I was impressed by their religion. He was dismayed and said:

    “My son, there is nothing good in that religion. Your religion and the religion of your forefathers is better.”

    “No, their religion is better than ours,” I insisted.

    My father became upset and afraid that I would leave our religion. So he kept me locked up in the house and put a chain on my feet. I managed however to send a message to the Christians asking them to inform me of any caravan going to Syria. Before long they got in touch with me and told me that a caravan was headed for Syria. I managed to unfetter myself and in disguise accompanied the caravan to Syria. There, I asked who was the leading person in the Christian religion and was directed to the bishop of the church. I went up to him and said:

    “I want to become a Christian and would like to attach myself to your service, learn from you and pray with you.”

    The bishop agreed and I entered the church in his service. I soon found out, however, that the man was corrupt. He would order his followers to give money in charity while holding out the promise of blessings to them. When they gave anything to spend in the way of God however, he would hoard it for himself and not give anything to the poor or needy. In this way he amassed a vast quantity of gold. When the bishop died and the Christians gathered to bury him, I told them of his corrupt practices and, at their request, showed them where he kept their donations. When they saw the large jars filled with gold and silver they said.

    “By God, we shall not bury him.” They nailed him on a cross and threw stones at him.

    I continued in the service of the person who replaced him. The new bishop was an ascetic who longed for the Hereafter and engaged in worship day and night. I was greatly devoted to him and spent a long time in his company.

    [After his death, Salman attached himself to various Christian religious figures, in Mosul, Nisibis and elsewhere. The last one had told him about the appearance of a Prophet in the land of the Arabs who would have a reputation for strict honesty, one who would accept a gift but would never consume charity (sadaqah) for himself. Salman continues his story]:

    …At that time the Prophet was inviting his people in Makkah to Islam but I did not hear anything about him then because of the harsh duties which slavery imposed upon me.

    When the Prophet reached Yathrib after his hijrah from Makkah, I was in fact at the top of a palm tree belonging to my master doing some work. My master was sitting under the tree. A nephew of his came up and said:

    “May God declare war on the Aws and the Khazraj (the two main Arab tribes of Yathrib). By God, they are now gathering at Quba to meet a man who has today come from Makkah and who claims he is a Prophet.” I felt hot flushes as soon as I heard these words and I began to shiver so violently that I was afraid that I might fall on my master. I quickly got down from the tree and spoke to my master’s nephew. “What did you say? Repeat the news for me.”

    My master was very angry and gave me a terrible blow. “What does this matter to you? Go back to what you were doing,” he shouted.

    That evening, I took some dates that I had gathered and went to the place where the Prophet had alighted. I went up to him and said:

    “I have heard that you are a righteous man and that you have companions with you who are strangers and are in need. Here is something from me as sadaqah. I see that you are more deserving of it than others.”

    The Prophet ordered his companions to eat but he himself did not eat of it.

    I gathered some more dates and when the Prophet left Quba for Madinah I went to him and said: “I noticed that you did not eat of the sadaqah I gave. This however is a gift for you.” Of this gift of dates, both he and his companions ate.

    The strict honesty of the Prophet was one of the characteristics that led Salman to believe in him and accept Islam.

    Salman was released from slavery by the Prophet who paid his Jewish slave-owner a stipulated price and who himself planted an agreed number of date palms to secure his manumission. After accepting Islam, Salman would say when asked whose son he was:

    “I am Salman, the son of Islam from the children of Adam.”

    In shaa Allah we are here, much prayers and duas for you and your family. Trust in Allah, He is best to guide and best to protect continue to call on Him. You're not alone nor is your family alone. May Allah have mercy.
    Sincerely your sister in Islam
    Salaamu Alaikum warahmatullah wabarakatuh

  3. I don't mean to be insensitive, but why is your mother so passive in all of this? As your mother, it's her responsibility to keep you safe and protect you from harm, but she's actually completely enabling the abuse you are encountering by staying with your dad - her abusive husband. I understand that you don't want your mother to be harmed, but in all honesty...if she doesn't leave your father on own initiative, you can't be responsible for her, and you can't make important life choices based on her. You can't marry a man you don't want to be with just so that your mother won't be beaten by the man she willingly chooses to stick by. I think the best you can do is to find another mahram that is more sensible and stable than your father is, and to report your father to the police for domestic violence and oppression while you are at it, so that the police will get to your mother before your father will. It sounds like this man needs to be in a psychiatric unit. And it sounds like your mother isn't going to leave this man until he's being taken away from her.

  4. What exactly is your father's mental illness? Which country do you live in?

    If you could take him to the police on this matter, then do that. He has no right to beat your mother and you and your sisters. Such abusive men will be in hell if they do not repent and reform their ways. Plain and simple.

    Regarding the proposal from your college, and I am taking the liberty of presumption here, but I think, your father will deliberately hurt you on this matter you. He is an abusive person who will not stop at anything to rob you of peace. You should turn down the man he has chosen for you by letting your father know it directly or if he forces you, then tell the man and his family that your father is forcing you into this marriage and you are not interested. I am sure they will not join him and force you to become part of their family. Do not be afraid. Get those people involved through whom he could easily budge. Be they your relatives, imam, or even the police.

    If you will not take the courage to do what you think is for your own good, your father will not care for you in any case. So, better for you is to confront him. I won't ask you to disrespect him and do anything unislamic. Remain proper, within the limits of Allah, but enforce your right.

    Ask Allah, keep patient and seek Allah's guidance and assistance through constant prayers.

    I hope this advice encourages you to do that which is right for you. May Allah help you and your mother and your sisters and also guide your father. Aameen!

  5. Do istakhara, if the guy from your college is good for you ask Allah to make things easy and make a way for you if not ask Allah to make you accept the person your father has selected for you. In Islam women have the right to say no, so if you really strongly feel that the wealthy guy is not a good match - do istakhara and seek advice. We do not know what Allah knows and we do not see what Allah sees. Ask Allah to give you that which is BEST for you.

    May Allah help you.

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